The thing is, women DO know when their husbands are fooling around. Call it female intuition for the most part, but there are soo many other ways a woman finds out. Some choose to confront their husbands although most of the time it does no good as they just get lied to anyway. Most of us just live in denial and put up with it because we love our husbands enough to have some of them, rather than none of them at all.
WOW. What you just said blew my mind. I admire women who think like you. But not in a million years will I ever become the kind of woman who pretends she does not see what her husband does. I would rather not have my husband at all, than to have only the "leftovers" when he gets home from being with someone else. My father always said to my sisters and me, that he did not want us to grow up to be women who use sex and looks to get what they want, or to be controlling, but he also made pretty clear that he was not raising any of his girls to be doormats to any men out there. I know women can be horrible to men too. But I would never accept my husband being with other women and have him see it as normal. If that ever happens, I will just get my kids and my things and just leave his life. I'd rather be alone than to be with a man who lives his life like that.
Well I've done it. Telling someone about something this bad isn't something a person just springs but the time came. She asked me and I could no longer hold out who I have been. Right now she's not talking to me. I can't say I've ever felt worse. I'm working out of town right now and think I may just forget about everything and head home. I don't know what I can do. All I know is that I will do the work, whatever it takes to fix this even if it takes a very long time. I'm completely through being a selfish man even if that means I pay the ultimate price. I wish I could be talking to her right now but she won't talk to me. I really hate me for who I've been. I feel some sense of relief on my side but can't imagine the utter pain she is in. Like you all said. She's realizing why at times she didn't have a husband. I don't know whats going to happen to me. I have to be able to function because my family is depending on me. I'm not much for living at the moment.
KUDOS on telling your wife! Seriously, a major pat on the back for doing that. Now you know that you can both move forward (whether it's together or apart) with all the cards on the table.
ashamed74, as much as this hurts right now you know you've absolutely made the right decision. This is a monumental step you have taken. Find some strength within yourself in appreciation of the step you have taken here.
Whether or not things work out between you only time will tell, but the important thing is that you now have a clean slate to honesty if you are to start working through your issues together. You never could have worked through anything without the honesty, so you've now opened the door to opportunity.
You are both going to need time and hard work to make things heal. If you feel you need to get home to her and you can afford to do so then make it happen. Find as much opportunity to be with her and communicate your commitment to her going forward and the rest of your lives. She needs to know, but more importantly she needs to feel that you genuinely want to make things right.
Be strong, and do not think dark thoughts of "not living at the moment"... because you've accomplished something positive that you need to recognize for what it is. And your family and your life are worth fighting for.
In her eyes, the whole marriage is nothing but a big lie. You have shaken her belief system to the core and possibly permanently damaged her. It will take professional counseling for her to emotionally heal from the ordeal she is going through. I'm not telling you this to intentionally hurt you but for you to have some understanding of the magnitude of your betrayals.
If she chooses to stay married to you, she does it with the understanding that, just like you, she relinquishes having another affair - EA or PA or EA/PA. If she can't abide by this then the two of you should proceed with a divorce. Just because a person was a betrayed spouse doesn't give him/her the right to have an affair of his/her own in kind IF he/she has made the decision to stay married.
I'm trying my best to talk to her. Who I've been and why isn't easy to explain. I will stay in the marriage even if that means her being pissed at me for years. I won't stay if this is only an excuse for her to go out and have another affair. I want a move forward with infidelity over on both sides. We've both done some deeds and as mentioned above we have nothing when the cards aren't on the table. She's disgusted with me and should be. I know this isn't something to heal quick. I'm still hurt myself by what she did so I can totally understand her feelings. I don't have the right to be pissed off by anything she says to me. I feel I deserve it.
When your a cheater like me you are able to go to another place in your mind when you are feeling very bad feelings. I had some really sick things happen to me growing up. Things I just can't share with anyone. This was the place I went when these things were happening. I don't know how you get help for that. I'm prepared for the worst and in no way will I be fighting back. I know I'm a hypocrite. Part of me really hopes that she can somehow understand that I share so many of her feelings and lack of trust. I learned so much about her these past few months. Knowing we were very similar as people and needed to be open about what we both had done. I kept a part of me all my life secret from the people I loved because I believed if I did that I wouldn't be hurt. I need to just be calm and do the best I can to bear with it till I get through her anger and to the person she is. I know this is so hard for her. I was the one person she thought she could trust and she was so wrong about me. I felt the exact same way when I found out. I finally really vested myself into someone buying into them 100 percent and then I found out.
Earlier today I considered just mentally checking myself out. Instead I have spent my time talking to my horribly pissed off BW. Whatever happens here life will have to go on. Sure I have issues but so does everybody. I'm not sure if I should just expect the worst and visualize the single life or just hang in there and deal with it. I don't think the single life would be good for me. I have a high tendency to abuse drugs. I've always loved the bad stuff. The married life always kept me from self destruction. I just don't want to live through this uncertain mess I've created. I do feel better that she knows I'm guilty. I just don't know what to do. Right now I feel like just getting so high I feel nothing. I'm such a jerk I can't stand it. Posted via Mobile Device
Instead of escaping from your problems through drugs, seek the services of a professional therapist to help you address and resolve the issues that have caused you to choose acts of destruction - affairs.
Things sound real bad. I think I'm just going to mentally start preparing for a divorce. I just don't see how we get through this. Truthfully I don't think my wife is much better than me. Just my thoughts at the moment. Posted via Mobile Device
At this point it's not about who is "worse" than who, it's only about whether you guys want to move past it all, together.
Regardless, I think you should seek counseling for yourself to work on some of your self-destructive tendencies. Your wife may even see this as a sign you really are committed to changing yourself and take some comfort in that. But you should do it for yourself regardless, even if you divorce. If you don't address your own problems you're going to repeat history down the road with another woman too.
You need to fix yourself... and take that concept very seriously.
At this point it's not about who is "worse" than who, it's only about whether you guys want to move past it all, together.
Regardless, I think you should seek counseling for yourself to work on some of your self-destructive tendencies. Your wife may even see this as a sign you really are committed to changing yourself and take some comfort in that. But you should do it for yourself regardless, even if you divorce. If you don't address your own problems you're going to repeat history down the road with another woman too.
You need to fix yourself... and take that concept very seriously.
Two days post d day and we are still here. I'm stopping myself from any blameshifting. I know I'm wrong her. She is still with me. We are going to watch our daughter play basketball. Mama loves watching and so do I. I think my chances of forgiveness are pretty good. I will continue to keep my cool no matter what. I have a feeling of true relief. Not to whether she's leaving but that I am acting in a genuine way. I'm grateful for her atleast giving me the chance to earn true trust. She deleted every female friend I have off facebook. I've agreed to 100 percent transparency. There will never be any secrets to hide. I want my wife and my family. No woman ever made me feel the way she does. Posted via Mobile Device
At this point it's not about who is "worse" than who, it's only about whether you guys want to move past it all, together.
Regardless, I think you should seek counseling for yourself to work on some of your self-destructive tendencies. Your wife may even see this as a sign you really are committed to changing yourself and take some comfort in that. But you should do it for yourself regardless, even if you divorce. If you don't address your own problems you're going to repeat history down the road with another woman too.
You need to fix yourself... and take that concept very seriously.
You should read this over and over again until your eyes are burning red.
Both of you chose stupid and destructive ways to cope but only you can only change yourself for the better, for your benefit nobody elses. Only then can your wife see that your changes are for real and not window dressing for her benefit.
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Re: Karma Calls 
True. 
