Originally Posted by denenen

5 months after I got together with my boyfriend I ended up with an STI. I did some research on it and talked to some nurses about it and I wanted to know what the incubation period was between contracting the infection and developing symptoms. I know we hadn't been together long, so I wondered if he or I could have had this prior to getting together and symptoms only showed up 5 months later? The unanimous answer from the DR's and nurses is that no that wasn't possible...the incubation period between contraction and symptoms is 4-28 days.

Well I know I haven't been with anyone else so now my thoughts turned to him...I asked him if he'd been with anyone else, but he swares up and down that he's only been with me....I'm really very confused, I want to believe him...I really do....he seems so genuine when he tells me he has never strayed.

Any thoughts on this? What would you do/think in this situation. At this point I'd be more upset with the lies if I found out it's true....I would never be able to trust him ever again. Am I being paranoid to think he has been fooling around? This is really eating away at me....any thoughts??

Originally Posted by denenen

thank you for all your input it is much appreciated. There is one other small detail I'd like to disect before making a final decision. As I mentioned earlier one of the "red flags" for me was this other woman he lied about cutting ties with....the woman that caused conflicts in our relationship.

This woman is his cousins wife. We all use to hang around together and were all fairly close, that is, until I discovered what type of people they were. She was bi-sexual and they frequently enduldged in threesomes and swingers parties, alot of those activities were centred around drugs and alcohol. This was just not my scene. Alot of her female friends were drug addicted prostitute looking like women....not pretty girls...trashy warn out looking girls. So my Husband and I had a chat about that and decided to distance ourselves from that circle. We deleted them from facebook and msn.

A year later I found out that my husband was secretly chatting with the wife on both his personal facebook and msn, which caused our first argument. He deleted her again and claimed innocence that he did not add her but rather she requested his friendship.

This is approx. when the unknown phone caller started and would hang up in my face.

A year after that I found out that twice a week while driving our oldest daughter to Army Cadets he would stop over there for 3 at a time hours behind my back....doing??? How I found out about this situation was on that fateful evening...I called his cell repetedly with no answer....when on the 6th phone call he answered and seemed a bit "off" he was telling me that he had bumped in to a fellow co-worker on the street and he stopped to chat....that he had left his cell in the car and didn't hear the phone ringing.....when suddenly I hear a child cry in the background and he quickly hung up! I had a pit in my stomache knowing he must be at her house. I called there with a blocked number...she answered and sure enough I heard him in the background. I confronted her and she admitted he had been there all along not answering his phone saying things like oh it's my wife I don't want to talk to her. She also admitted that he goes there twice a week behind my back on cadet nights. When he came home I was hurt and angry. I asked for his version and he said he goes to visit his cousin....but strangely most nights his cousin isn't there CUZ he's at work!!

We argued and he stormed out. Turned his cell off for the night. I noticed that a charge came through on my on-line banking for a case of beer...really?? My husband doesn't drink beer...but his cousin's wife and girlfriends sure do. The next morning My husband comes home sucking up and appologetic. I asked him where he spent the night....he said in the truck....I asked why did you buy beer....he said I was depressed and in the mood....I asked where is the case? He said I drank it all.....and through the case in the ditch....he said I was parked across the street watching the house to see if any strange men came over. I walked across the street in anger and saw no empty beer or caps or anything. I knew he was lying! I came home went upstairs and called that woman's house again....and surprise...one of her prostitute friends answered all groggy from sleep seeing as it was only 7 in the morning. I accused her straight out of sleeping with my husband....her reply....nothing happened I was on my period and hung up! So I got my answer again...and it wasn't from him! More lies.

He cried begged pleaded and appologized.....vowing on our marriage that he will forever cut ties with that woman forever. Stupidly I gave him one last chance. When a year later, almost to the day he walks in the door from work and his cell phone started vibrating.....I heard it in his pocket and he gave me a deer caught in headlights look. I asked who it was...he looked and said....just my dad and rejected the call. He never ignores his father...I knew something was up. I told him I didn't believe him and I wanted to see the phone...he said ok it wasn't my dad...it was....THE OTHER WOMAN AGAIN!!!! HOW?? how does she have the number to the new cell phones we just got not even 4 months ago!!! He admitted that he had bumped in to her a few months ago, and that his cousin had work for him. So My husband gave them the number for his cousin to call as soon as they were hiring. I couldn't understand this...my husband has a good secure job for the past 4 years that he loved....never telling me that he was looking for something else. The job his cousin offered was to go diamond drilling out of town for 3 weeks and home for one. I then asked my husband why did "she" call you then...his reply....because her husband is out of town for 3 weeks working!!! REALLY! Why wouldn't your cousin have called while he was at home for a week. I wanted to end my marriage right then and there. I can't take this. He tells me the only reason he hid it is because he knew it would upset me....that nothing was going on and that he only wanted info for a new job...that btw....he never ended up applying for.

That was 6 months ago and since then he has re-added her...not his cousin, just her...to facebook. I'm thinking I'm going to force him to take the lower paying insecure diamond drilling job....and while he's away for 3 weeks....make a clean brake for it!!

Originally Posted by denenen

@ tall average guy. Well it's hard to say about other red flags in his behaviour....what is a red flag?? Are red flags defined as a change in their normal behaviour and habits? Couldn't that just be him settling into the relationship and becoming more comfortable. For example at the beginning of a relationship he was always on his best behaviour, trying to impress me.....after time his "true colours" so to speak emerged??
Anyway, he does do things that cause me suspicion....such as, for example...leaving his cell and wallet and other belongings locked in his car when we live together, for which I don't have a spare key to his car, but he expects one for mine....and he regularly snoop in my car....I asked what he looks for and he says anything.
Or the piece de resistance for me is catching him red handed doing something ( not cheating) but just as bad as he told me he would never do this act.....and lied to my face repeatedly. I told him that I needed him to be honest to me or it would destroy my trust, but he could never own it. I told him if he can bold faced lie to me about this....what else is he capable of lying about, he never answered just gave me that stupid puppy eyes look!
I would receive unknown callers hanging up in my face for a period of time...about a month or two...then it would stop for 6 months and start all over again.

And he would hide a relationship with a female that he knew caused conflict in our relationship even after he promised to end it......she keeps coming back up! And the list goes on and on So are those red flags?? Who knows I'm sure they can be explained away too.
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Originally Posted by shaylady

Originally Posted by almostrecovered

boyfriend when she got the std, married when he started up again with swinger cousin wife

Originally Posted by Tall Average Guy

Look, if you are only interested in playing gotcha games, that is fine. Please let me know and I can stop wasting my time. You never posted this information before, and I was asking because there were possible reasons why the STI showed up when it did that did not involve cheating (though I can't help but notice you refuse to answer the question about when you first were unprotected with him).

None the less, assuming you are legitimate, yes, those are huge issues and the STI is the merely icing on the cake. These are enourmous red flags, plus he lied to you.

So why are you with him (and noting your post below) why did you have his kid? He is not trust worthy, does not trust you, and has signs that he is having an affair, even before the STI. So why are you with him.

Originally Posted by denenen

whoa ok...first of all This is my first time ever posting on here, I'm probably doing it wrong, but definately not playing games. I don't even know what gotcha games are? I didn't originally post this huge long winded life story of my turbulant marriage, because I could have had a very lengthy Original post. I did however, mention on the first page of the thread the details about me being married and other potential red flags asked by another poster.

@Tall Average Guy...we used protection from day one until a month and a half down the road. I was not on the pill (due to migraines) and had no protection and I knew it was my fertile week so I asked him to abstein until he made a trip to get some more condoms. The very next morning I woke up with him already inside of me....un-protected....I stopped him, but obviously too late as 2 weeks later I discovered I was pregnant. I Continued having un-protected sex with him after the discovery of my pregnancy. To answer your other question, I had a child before him from when I was young. I got pregnant by him before knowing anything about him.....I only starting discovering potential "red flags" 5 months down the road....already pregnant....and being diagnosed with an sti. It wasn't until almost a year after marriage that these other red flags as I've previously posted started appearing. So I don't continue to have children with him.
The good question is, why am I still with him. Because i love him, I love our family, and I'm terrified to leave. Or perhaps it's best to say i did love him, I had what seemed like an endless supply of hope in our love and our union....but that's being replaced with anger, resentment, and hostility. I'm very sad, very lonely, and most of all terrified. I have nobody to vent to or even ask an opinion....this seemed like a safe place, resting in annonymity. So Tall Average guy, if posting here seems to you a waste of time, by all means don't.

Hind sight is 20-20, and I was just curious if I missed the first red-flag being the sti...I was curious to see if others...if faced in that situation would go running for the hills....or disregard it and marry him as I did. I don't know I just wanted some input, not to be called a liar. I don't need judgement at this point trust me I hold myself in contempt already from the many mistakes staying in this marriage so long has already cost me.