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Old 02-01-2012, 08:52 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Frustrated

I'm new here, but have been doing a lot of reading in the past few days.

About my situation. My wife and I married when we were 21. We were in love and wanted to settle down and have a family. We have 2 young children. We had a pretty good relationship for the first 6 years. We had our share of problems. One thing we had problems with was communication. My wife is the kind of person who keeps anger and frustration inside and doesn't deal with it. The last 2 years have been a struggle. The first year we really didn't do anything to try to fix our problems. We lived our lives and were afraid to tell each other how we felt. Then almost exactly one year ago today she told me she needed a "break". She told me she needed time and space to "figure out who she was" before she could work on our relationship.She told me it was no big deal and a lot of couples "take a break" and move on from there. She told me "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I was, and still am against a separation. I practically begged her to stay and work thing out. She agreed. I tried to talk to her about things but she still wasn't able to open up to me. I wrote countless letters to her thinking maybe it would be easier for her to start be writing back and fourth. Still she was only telling me she needed to fix herself first.

Two days before this last Christmas I got a phone call for a friend telling me that my wife had been talking to an old friend of his and they were planning on meeting up sometime. I was so angry I went home and confronted her about it. She swore that they had just talked and nothing had happened. She said she was sorry for hurting me and promised not to talk to him again. She said she was "lost". I was very angry and upset, but in the end I told her I was willing to move on from this if she would stop talking to him and start working on us. She agreed. The day after I installed a KL on our PC. She had been very secretive about going on facebook. Three days later I found an explicit facebook chat they had while I was at work. I was furious. I confronted her and told her I would not tolerate that type of behavior. I didn't throw her out, but a part of me wanted to. She said she still wanted to leave but didn't because she knew how much it would hurt me. I asked her at that point to go see a MC. She agreed and we've been doing that once a week for a month now. Things seem to be getting better on the surface. Our MC has us doing "15 minute communication" everyday to work on communication and to help understand what each other wants and needs. She is starting to open up, which makes me think there is hope for us. Last night during our chat she was finally able to tell me the "root" of her problems. She said that a part of her wants to leave and date again and she wont commit to me while she has these feelings. Since we were married young she thinks she has missed out on a big part of her life. It really upsets me she is willing to break apart our family and leave me and the kids so she can go mess around with other guys. The part that bothers me the most is she has been unwilling to try to fix our relationship first.

I'm trying my hardest to keep it together. Her leaving would be DEVASTATING to the kids (and me for that fact). I don't know where to go from here. I do know that I am unwilling to keep going if she wont commit to trying her hardest to fix our marriage. Sorry for the long post. Just needed to vent.
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Old 02-01-2012, 09:05 AM   #2 (permalink)
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You can't make her commit to you, the marriage or your family and in reality the harder you try the more you'll push her in the wrong direction. Weird I know, but this is how the mind of a cheater works.

The only chance you have is to force her to realize that you will not accept her behavior, that you will not be a part of a three person marriage, that she cannot have her cake and eat it to. The hard part is that to get her to realize it you have to mean it, and there is no guarantee that in forcing her to this realization she will pick you and the marriage. If she doesn't you have to be prepared to move on.

Just off the cuff it sounds like you're battling two issues. One is her affair fogged mind, treat this like you would if you were trying to break her of a drug addiction and the OM is the drug - literally. The second, and this one is just a hunch, is possibly a little bit of nice guy syndrome; doing too much to try to please her, to meet her needs, to get her to stay - all at the expense of you. Hop over to the Men's Clubhouse and do a little reading on it and see if it hit close to home - or download the book, No More Mr. Nice Guy. Just a hunch and I maybe off base on this one.

Good Luck - remember you can't make her do or choose anything. All you can do is decide what you will and won't accept and how you will react accordingly and make sure she knows this.
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Old 02-01-2012, 09:11 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Frustrated

consider two things at the very least-

1) she was likely engaged in her EA/possible PA back in the summer when she gave you the ILYBINILWY speech
2) you need to take a harder line, begging is not getting you anywhere.


read the newbie link in my signature if you havent already
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Old 02-01-2012, 09:15 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Sounds like your wife is in a fog or limbo land; she needs to be forced to wake up. I would tell her that you don't want an open marriage, and that you can no longer live in the marital limbo and be with a partner that won't commit. That you have concluded that the separation that she wants is a 'time out' from you marital vows, and since you could not take back after she has been with other men.......that you might as well proceed to a separation on a track towards divorce so she can live the life she wants.

Then implement the 180, separate your finances, and initiate division of assets, debt, propose custody/visitation, child support and disposition of your home. See an attorney.

The idea is to get your wife to see what life would be, wake her up.
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Old 02-01-2012, 09:19 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Frustrated

Quote:
Originally Posted by casemx View Post
I'm new here, but have been doing a lot of reading in the past few days.

About my situation. My wife and I married when we were 21. We were in love and wanted to settle down and have a family. We have 2 young children. We had a pretty good relationship for the first 6 years. We had our share of problems. One thing we had problems with was communication. My wife is the kind of person who keeps anger and frustration inside and doesn't deal with it. The last 2 years have been a struggle. The first year we really didn't do anything to try to fix our problems. We lived our lives and were afraid to tell each other how we felt. Then almost exactly one year ago today she told me she needed a "break". She told me she needed time and space to "figure out who she was" before she could work on our relationship.She told me it was no big deal and a lot of couples "take a break" and move on from there. She told me "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I was, and still am against a separation. I practically begged her to stay and work thing out. She agreed. I tried to talk to her about things but she still wasn't able to open up to me. I wrote countless letters to her thinking maybe it would be easier for her to start be writing back and fourth. Still she was only telling me she needed to fix herself first.

Two days before this last Christmas I got a phone call for a friend telling me that my wife had been talking to an old friend of his and they were planning on meeting up sometime. I was so angry I went home and confronted her about it. She swore that they had just talked and nothing had happened. She said she was sorry for hurting me and promised not to talk to him again. She said she was "lost". I was very angry and upset, but in the end I told her I was willing to move on from this if she would stop talking to him and start working on us. She agreed. The day after I installed a KL on our PC. She had been very secretive about going on facebook. Three days later I found an explicit facebook chat they had while I was at work. I was furious. I confronted her and told her I would not tolerate that type of behavior. I didn't throw her out, but a part of me wanted to. She said she still wanted to leave but didn't because she knew how much it would hurt me. I asked her at that point to go see a MC. She agreed and we've been doing that once a week for a month now. Things seem to be getting better on the surface. Our MC has us doing "15 minute communication" everyday to work on communication and to help understand what each other wants and needs. She is starting to open up, which makes me think there is hope for us. Last night during our chat she was finally able to tell me the "root" of her problems. She said that a part of her wants to leave and date again and she wont commit to me while she has these feelings. Since we were married young she thinks she has missed out on a big part of her life. It really upsets me she is willing to break apart our family and leave me and the kids so she can go mess around with other guys. The part that bothers me the most is she has been unwilling to try to fix our relationship first.

I'm trying my hardest to keep it together. Her leaving would be DEVASTATING to the kids (and me for that fact). I don't know where to go from here. I do know that I am unwilling to keep going if she wont commit to trying her hardest to fix our marriage. Sorry for the long post. Just needed to vent.

Everything you said in the first paragraph pointed to the bold part. I hate to say this, but this seems to always be the case. If it wasn't for your friend telling you, you'd still be racking your brain trying to figure out what you can do to make things better when sometimes people end up married to a spouse that wants to just stop- take a break from marriage- and play house somewhere else- It is almost like they are trying to make you feel bad so they can go out and DO DIRT. I'm sorry about that. - ok, let me finish reading your post............
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Old 02-01-2012, 09:33 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Frustrated

Quote:
Originally Posted by casemx View Post
I'm new here, but have been doing a lot of reading in the past few days.

About my situation. My wife and I married when we were 21. We were in love and wanted to settle down and have a family. We have 2 young children. We had a pretty good relationship for the first 6 years. We had our share of problems. One thing we had problems with was communication. My wife is the kind of person who keeps anger and frustration inside and doesn't deal with it. The last 2 years have been a struggle. The first year we really didn't do anything to try to fix our problems. We lived our lives and were afraid to tell each other how we felt. Then almost exactly one year ago today she told me she needed a "break". She told me she needed time and space to "figure out who she was" before she could work on our relationship.She told me it was no big deal and a lot of couples "take a break" and move on from there. She told me "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I was, and still am against a separation. I practically begged her to stay and work thing out. She agreed. I tried to talk to her about things but she still wasn't able to open up to me. I wrote countless letters to her thinking maybe it would be easier for her to start be writing back and fourth. Still she was only telling me she needed to fix herself first.

Two days before this last Christmas I got a phone call for a friend telling me that my wife had been talking to an old friend of his and they were planning on meeting up sometime. I was so angry I went home and confronted her about it. She swore that they had just talked and nothing had happened. She said she was sorry for hurting me and promised not to talk to him again. She said she was "lost". I was very angry and upset, but in the end I told her I was willing to move on from this if she would stop talking to him and start working on us. She agreed. The day after I installed a KL on our PC. She had been very secretive about going on facebook. Three days later I found an explicit facebook chat they had while I was at work. I was furious. I confronted her and told her I would not tolerate that type of behavior. I didn't throw her out, but a part of me wanted to. She said she still wanted to leave but didn't because she knew how much it would hurt me. I asked her at that point to go see a MC. She agreed and we've been doing that once a week for a month now. Things seem to be getting better on the surface. Our MC has us doing "15 minute communication" everyday to work on communication and to help understand what each other wants and needs. She is starting to open up, which makes me think there is hope for us. Last night during our chat she was finally able to tell me the "root" of her problems. She said that a part of her wants to leave and date again and she wont commit to me while she has these feelings. Since we were married young she thinks she has missed out on a big part of her life. It really upsets me she is willing to break apart our family and leave me and the kids so she can go mess around with other guys. The part that bothers me the most is she has been unwilling to try to fix our relationship first.

I'm trying my hardest to keep it together. Her leaving would be DEVASTATING to the kids (and me for that fact). I don't know where to go from here. I do know that I am unwilling to keep going if she wont commit to trying her hardest to fix our marriage. Sorry for the long post. Just needed to vent.

Ok, I read all of it. I'm so sorry but it seemed as if she was hding things and going to do her dirt, keep you because she saw it as her leaving you would hurt you. But when she started going to counseling, she opened up and was honest with what was obvious all along. It hurts because it sounds so selfish but it is better to let her go and deal with these things that won't go away. You're devastated now but you'd be way more things than that if you tried to hold on and beg her to stay . Staying won't keep her from doing what she feels she is missing out on. I'm so so sorry
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Old 02-01-2012, 09:35 AM   #7 (permalink)
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My ex-wife also wanted to date others as if she were single.I agreed and divorced her because "dating" wasn't part of our marriage vows.I wasn't prepared to spend untold years of uncertainty and pain while she tried to find herself.I wouldn't be married to someone who wanted to change the boundaries of our marriage whenever it may suit their own purpose.Being self-centered and a good marriage don't go hand in glove.One or the other has to go.
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Old 02-01-2012, 10:19 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Sigma1299 - I guess I do have nice guy syndrome. I don't know how to act differently. She has been my best friend for so many years.

I understand I cant control my wife. I honestly feel like we can be happy again if we work on things. That's whats been bothering the most, she's ready to leave before we have had the opportunity to give us a chance. In my mind our family is at least worth a chance. We go to see the MC tonight and I'm sure the main topic will be her not being able to move forward with wanting to see what else is out there first. She mentioned she wanted to talk about it with her.
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Old 02-01-2012, 10:21 AM   #9 (permalink)
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You cant force her to be with you and in the end only she can choose if she wants to save your marriage and your family. Give her a straight up choice - Either work on saving your marriage or get divorced because I have no doubt that she will keep on contacting that guy behind your back. She sounds like she wants out of the marriage, Sorry but its true.

Also dont allow her to stay because she is afraid of hurting you. Only allow her to stay if she loves you, Dont accept anything else because you will always be second guessing her. Give her a week to think about it and tell her to think hard because once she has choosen (Marriage or Divorce), she cant take it back.
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Old 02-01-2012, 11:53 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by calif_hope View Post
Sounds like your wife is in a fog or limbo land; she needs to be forced to wake up. I would tell her that you don't want an open marriage, and that you can no longer live in the marital limbo and be with a partner that won't commit. That you have concluded that the separation that she wants is a 'time out' from you marital vows, and since you could not take back after she has been with other men.......that you might as well proceed to a separation on a track towards divorce so she can live the life she wants.

Then implement the 180, separate your finances, and initiate division of assets, debt, propose custody/visitation, child support and disposition of your home. See an attorney.

The idea is to get your wife to see what life would be, wake her up.
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I started to do the 180 a few days ago. I stopped telling her I loved her. I am also making an extra effort to be happy and confident around her and the kids. I am trying my hardest to convince myself things will be OK with out her. That's been the hardest part.

I've been contemplating getting my own checking and savings account for a while now. I don't agree with how she has been handling our finances. Its my fault for letting her continue to do them. I was concerned that doing that would make her think I was starting to give up.

The whole situation is really strange to me. We don't fight a lot. We talk about daily stuff as normal. We laugh and joke a lot. Everything on the surface seems so normal. That makes it even harder for me.
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Old 02-01-2012, 12:31 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by casemx View Post
I'm new here, but have been doing a lot of reading in the past few days.

About my situation. My wife and I married when we were 21. We were in love and wanted to settle down and have a family. We have 2 young children. We had a pretty good relationship for the first 6 years. We had our share of problems. One thing we had problems with was communication. My wife is the kind of person who keeps anger and frustration inside and doesn't deal with it. The last 2 years have been a struggle. The first year we really didn't do anything to try to fix our problems. We lived our lives and were afraid to tell each other how we felt. Then almost exactly one year ago today she told me she needed a "break". She told me she needed time and space to "figure out who she was" before she could work on our relationship.She told me it was no big deal and a lot of couples "take a break" and move on from there. She told me "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I was, and still am against a separation. I practically begged her to stay and work thing out. She agreed. I tried to talk to her about things but she still wasn't able to open up to me. I wrote countless letters to her thinking maybe it would be easier for her to start be writing back and fourth. Still she was only telling me she needed to fix herself first.

Two days before this last Christmas I got a phone call for a friend telling me that my wife had been talking to an old friend of his and they were planning on meeting up sometime. I was so angry I went home and confronted her about it. She swore that they had just talked and nothing had happened. She said she was sorry for hurting me and promised not to talk to him again. She said she was "lost". I was very angry and upset, but in the end I told her I was willing to move on from this if she would stop talking to him and start working on us. She agreed. The day after I installed a KL on our PC. She had been very secretive about going on facebook. Three days later I found an explicit facebook chat they had while I was at work. I was furious. I confronted her and told her I would not tolerate that type of behavior. I didn't throw her out, but a part of me wanted to. She said she still wanted to leave but didn't because she knew how much it would hurt me. I asked her at that point to go see a MC. She agreed and we've been doing that once a week for a month now. Things seem to be getting better on the surface. Our MC has us doing "15 minute communication" everyday to work on communication and to help understand what each other wants and needs. She is starting to open up, which makes me think there is hope for us. Last night during our chat she was finally able to tell me the "root" of her problems. She said that a part of her wants to leave and date again and she wont commit to me while she has these feelings. Since we were married young she thinks she has missed out on a big part of her life. It really upsets me she is willing to break apart our family and leave me and the kids so she can go mess around with other guys. The part that bothers me the most is she has been unwilling to try to fix our relationship first.

I'm trying my hardest to keep it together. Her leaving would be DEVASTATING to the kids (and me for that fact). I don't know where to go from here. I do know that I am unwilling to keep going if she wont commit to trying her hardest to fix our marriage. Sorry for the long post. Just needed to vent.
When I read stories like this I relive past relationships in my younger days before I was a cheater. The coldness of the women I had strong feelings for went a long way to making me a cheater. I came to the conclusion in those days that women can decide in a small instant that they no longer have feelings for a man after telling him otherwise right up to that point. The everythings great but I have found someone else so see you later. I really questioned just how deep a womans love for a man could be. I perceived women as being very shallow. Seemed like the first sign of a little boredom or a better looking guy came along and they were done and moving on for something new or the greener pastures. I didn't witness much loyalty in my relationships when I was a younger guy. I came to the conclusion of trust no one and never go "all in" with anybody because in the end she will change her mind at moments notice and things will be over. It's taken so much for me to feel my wife's love for me is truly genuine. Even though both of us have been unfaithful I doubt I will ever trust another woman's love for me the way I do hers. We've been through so much and so many rough times and still making it.
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Old 02-01-2012, 02:26 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Remind her what life will be like if she decides to leave because she wants to screw around....exposure especially letting the kids know that she wanted to do this instead of keeping th family together. Find out all you can about this other guy and if exposing can hurt him as well.
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Old 02-01-2012, 02:42 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Remind her what life will be like if she decides to leave because she wants to screw around....exposure especially letting the kids know that she wanted to do this instead of keeping th family together. Find out all you can about this other guy and if exposing can hurt him as well.
Telling the kids is really not an option, the one is too young to understand and the older one has a bunch of emotional problems to begin with.

The OM is a different story. I had an opportunity to end his career, I did not do it.

Last edited by casemx; 02-01-2012 at 02:49 PM. Reason: TMI
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Old 02-01-2012, 02:54 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by casemx View Post
Telling the kids is really not an option, the one is too young to understand and the older one has a bunch of emotional problems to begin with.

The OM is a different story. Being an old friend of a friend I know pretty much everything about him. He is a military guy with a documented history of screwing around with married women. I had the opportunity to pretty much end his career a few weeks ago. I did not do it. He is a half a continent away and I wanted him to stay there. I figured if he got kicked out he would move back local.
He is a half a continent away and I wanted him to stay there. I figured if he got kicked out he would move back local.

You should have done that..Doit if you still can.
That statement is seriusly the most comen mistake
Husband´s do..The think OM is out to romance wife
away from her husband.So he can then married her..

So far from the truth. In fact it is very rear that is the reason.
So try not to e afraid of that.Simply aint gonna happen.
Even if you´r right now crazy wife seem to belive it.
The reason??Aint so. Hard for you to figure out..
Dont wanna point it out my self.Would feel like i
kinda would rubit in..

You wrote
guy with a documented history of screwing around with married women

Do you still think he has serious "nobel" intrest in
you´r wife??
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Old 02-02-2012, 07:54 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Well, just a quick update. Had our MC meeting last night and there was good and bad. She told me again that she is hesitant to move forward because a part of her wants to know whats its like to be on her own. I'm not completely sure she has thought about what that's meant. She doesn't make enough money to have her own place so she says she would move back with her parents. She said a part of her doesn't want to do that because it will hurt the kids.

We did a lot of talking about what got us to this point. She was unhappy that I was unwilling (at the time) to do certain things like go to some family functions and the like. I thought I was too busy and had more important things to do at the time. That really upset her and made her shut down. The thing that absolutely floored me was they way she has viewed the past three years of our life. She is only focusing on the few bad parts. In her mind there was no good, which I believe to be absolutely false. She actually told the MC that our second child was "unplanned". She was on fertility meds and we had sex that particular night because she was ovulating! How the F is that unplanned? Maybe unexpected because we did have problems getting pregnant, but unplanned? WTF. I called her on that and she didn't have anything to say. She swears there was no other man at that point. Instead of talking to me about the issues at hand she shut down and distanced herself. I am so angry. She is lying to herself about what really took place in our relationship. I'm in no way trying to say I wasn't an ******* at times, because I was. It really upsets me she doesn't see any good in the last three years. I saw her have fun and be happy with my own eyes.

On the EA front, she told me it was going on for one month before I found out. She swears it's over with and she's sorry for hurting me. I don't know if I believe her, but that's what she said. I guess all I can do is prepare myself for a possible divorce. I still don't want that at this point but I don't know if she's ever going to be willing to put effort into "us" again. We are going to continue to do our "15 minute talks" and try to get every thing off our respective chest's. Our MC thinks we should wait 2 weeks and then come back. She thinks for right now we should just take things one week at a time. I'll stop there for now, this post is long enough LOL.
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