Just wanting to vent. I have come to the conclusion that all cheating spouses and boy/girlfriends and fiances are LOSERS to the 100th degree. Nothing but slime and scum. Why do we the BS stick and stay with these losers. Are we the real losers, I wonder.
So I guess I must ask those who choose to stay, why do you stay? And if you are in R how is it going? Mine isn't so good right now. My H is a maniac to say the least. Defensive as all get out when I trigger, I am the loser in this marriage for sure.
But why stay? Why do we not just walk away with our pride? Instead we stay and go through the agony that is ours and ours alone caused by these losers that we continue to love. Is there something wrong with us? I wonder to myself, has my self esteem been crushed to the point that I will put up with this sh^t? I am beginning to question everything, even my own sanity....
I think it all has to do with the DS. My H cheated, but when Dday came around, he did everything he could and should have done to keep me. Took responsibility, got counseling for himself and his PTSD, invited me to his counseling a few times, set me up my own savings account that he can not check for "escape money" so to speak hahaha. In case I decided I wanted out it has enough money in it to file and we did a post nup. Whether or not it is legal I don't know, but just the fact he would sign it and agree to the terms that I wanted made me think it was worth a shot.
Two years and some change later, and things are great. Still have a moment every now and again, but nothing like it was. But I still have that account just in case :-)
My hubby also has done an absolute TON of changing and helping me, otherwise there's no way I COULD stay. We are far happier now than we were for at least 2 if not 5 years prior to D day. I have bad days sometimes, triggers, maybe drink a couple too many and get maudlin, but we deal with all that crap together. Marriage counseling has helped tremendously, as has IC and hubby's SA group. He is in a head space now that he has never been before - he is calmer, happier, more fun and easier to get along with. I am really glad we are together
I couldn't. My ex was a serial cheater. He was very verbally abusive and put the blame on me for everything. I would sit back and cry, he took pictures and laughed at me. He was and is very cruel. I left after a year, I was smarter then that and I wondered why I put up with it for so long. He panicked and threatened to kill himself if I left, he's still alive today. One of his mistresses moved in 3 days after I left. They are now married and he's cheated on her. He also abuses her, but for some reason has put up with it for the last 17 years. He hates women. My ex tore my daughter apart emotionally and is proud. I guess he does the same with their daughter who is only 2. He refuses to have anything to do with her. Man, he is sick. Marrying him was the biggest mistake in my life, but I learned a valuable lesson. I know what to look for and I can warn my daughters.
I think serial cheaters are much different then a one time affair. A one time affair can be healed. Cheating time after time is a big problem and is not physically healthy to anyone. STD's are easily contracted by serial cheaters. They usually don't take the time to put a condom on.
I'm soooooooo much happier now. I found true love. Someone who always puts my needs before his own. He works very hard for our family. I'm such a lucky woman to have such an awesome husband. I fully trust him. He doesn't even look at porn. He has great desire for me and the passion is still there 12 years later. He is a fabulous father to all 3 girls. My husband now does so much for me. I thank him often and let him know that I appreciate everything. Posted via Mobile Device
I think running away would make me a loser. It may be tough ahead of me but a true looser does not even try. As long as my H is trying I will stay. It is what it is and we can deal with it face to face or run away like a real loser would.
Knowing the trying times a head and squaring my shoulders to face it. I am brave for risking it all on someone who once let me down. I am proud of me and the amount of love I have for my WS because he does not deserve an ounce of it but it is my choice to give it.
No we are not losers. Just really brave people even when it seems stupid to the rest of the world we do it.
I think running away would make me a loser. It may be tough ahead of me but a true looser does not even try. As long as my H is trying I will stay. It is what it is and we can deal with it face to face or run away like a real loser would.
Knowing the trying times a head and squaring my shoulders to face it. I am brave for risking it all on someone who once let me down. I am proud of me and the amount of love I have for my WS because he does not deserve an ounce of it but it is my choice to give it.
No we are not losers. Just really brave people even when it seems stupid to the rest of the world we do it.
I agree in some cases. I also agree in certain cases that it would be dumb for the LS to stay. There are certain DS that aren't worth staying married to, especially ones that show no remorse or don't put any effort into saving the relationship. Then it isn't worth saving to me.
Just wanting to vent. I have come to the conclusion that all cheating spouses and boy/girlfriends and fiances are LOSERS to the 100th degree. Nothing but slime and scum. Why do we the BS stick and stay with these losers. Are we the real losers, I wonder.
So I guess I must ask those who choose to stay, why do you stay? And if you are in R how is it going? Mine isn't so good right now. My H is a maniac to say the least. Defensive as all get out when I trigger, I am the loser in this marriage for sure.
But why stay? Why do we not just walk away with our pride? Instead we stay and go through the agony that is ours and ours alone caused by these losers that we continue to love. Is there something wrong with us? I wonder to myself, has my self esteem been crushed to the point that I will put up with this sh^t? I am beginning to question everything, even my own sanity....
It was a boring Saturday and I had nothing better to do.
Just wanting to vent. I have come to the conclusion that all cheating spouses and boy/girlfriends and fiances are LOSERS to the 100th degree. Nothing but slime and scum. Why do we the BS stick and stay with these losers. Are we the real losers, I wonder.
So I guess I must ask those who choose to stay, why do you stay? And if you are in R how is it going? Mine isn't so good right now. My H is a maniac to say the least. Defensive as all get out when I trigger, I am the loser in this marriage for sure.
But why stay? Why do we not just walk away with our pride? Instead we stay and go through the agony that is ours and ours alone caused by these losers that we continue to love. Is there something wrong with us? I wonder to myself, has my self esteem been crushed to the point that I will put up with this sh^t? I am beginning to question everything, even my own sanity....
Seriously though. My wife ended the affair before I even knew she was having one and then did everything to prove to me that she was truly remorseful. If I had found out while she was still in the affair or if she had lied to me at all during R we would not have stayed married.
I think it all has to do with the DS. My H cheated, but when Dday came around, he did everything he could and should have done to keep me. Took responsibility, got counseling for himself and his PTSD, invited me to his counseling a few times, set me up my own savings account that he can not check for "escape money" so to speak hahaha. In case I decided I wanted out it has enough money in it to file and we did a post nup. Whether or not it is legal I don't know, but just the fact he would sign it and agree to the terms that I wanted made me think it was worth a shot.
Two years and some change later, and things are great. Still have a moment every now and again, but nothing like it was. But I still have that account just in case :-)
Stories like yours put a smile on my face. Thanks!
Hey onthefence---it sounds very much like you are living in misery, and every day, is another day, of dread for you---Why are you still in your mge.
You do realize that once you leave---all that misery, and dread drop off, and there is actually a life out there, where the sun comes up, and there is happiness in the world, and you don't have to look misery and dread in the face everyday----life as a divorcee is not that terrible, especially if staying married is as you describe it.
I am starting to think that I don't want to stay married anymore. Whenever I trigger and I mean whenever he flips out. I had a long talk with him the other day telling him he shows no remorse. He didn't say anything that day. I also told him he needed to respect me and treat me right that the next time he flips that would be the last. He would have to leave. As a matter of fact I told him to leave this last time... I am going to bring the whole thing up in MC which isn't helping. She's only been handing us papers and reading from them. This time we are going to talk. He claims to have felt really bad the whole day (WELL GOOD) he should feel bad. I have been through an awful time yes this is true. But I seem to be mustering up the strength to let it go finally. I am still married and if he doesn't start showing real change I will not be and I will be fine with it. I have done all I can.
I am starting to think that I don't want to stay married anymore. Whenever I trigger and I mean whenever he flips out. I had a long talk with him the other day telling him he shows no remorse. He didn't say anything that day. I also told him he needed to respect me and treat me right that the next time he flips that would be the last. He would have to leave. As a matter of fact I told him to leave this last time... I am going to bring the whole thing up in MC which isn't helping. She's only been handing us papers and reading from them. This time we are going to talk. He claims to have felt really bad the whole day (WELL GOOD) he should feel bad. I have been through an awful time yes this is true. But I seem to be mustering up the strength to let it go finally. I am still married and if he doesn't start showing real change I will not be and I will be fine with it. I have done all I can.
You need to move on. I have read your story. I am only about a month removed from D-day and my wife has done most things right so I am giving R a good try.
To tell you the truth I look for a reason not to stay and my WS senses that and keeps focused on doing things right.
Your WS is not trying or not capable of trying. Either way you are free to move forward and out of this marriage.
If I was in your shoes I would use the next MC session to say you are done. Say it at the beginning of the session, get up and walk out. IMO you have done enough.
If I was your MC at this stage and time I would ask you, "why are you staying in this marriage?" I would like your WS to hear your responce. I believe you would lay it all on the line and it would be a safe place to say it all. Perhaps if you wrote your responce out as a prepared speech you might be able to present it the next time you have MC. Tell the MC that you have something to say. Start with, if I was a MC I would ask the following question, "Why are you still in this marriage?" and read your responce. Just a thought.
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Why do we stay? 
