One poster said it hurt worse than when his first wife died of cancer. That's because the cheating partner chose to do what she did.
My first wife died of cancer and while the pain of losing her was unbearable at times, it paled with the devastation I felt when I discovered my ex-wife's betrayal.
My ex-wife, out of her own free will, chose to hurt me while my first wife did not choose to die from cancer and thus hurt me. My whole belief system was shaken to its foundation because of my ex-wife's betrayal.
On the chance that she gets to you and you contemplate reconciling with her - if you do - make her walk through hell to do it. Do not roll over. If you take her back and you make it easy you're giving tacit approval.
This relationship has to be over. If she convinces you to take her back make her earn a new one.
Me personally - I'd be damn hard to convince for second try.
Parachute--I've been in your shoes and didn't have the courage/wisdom to call off the wedding. See what happened after that here: Am I just stupid?
My advice is to call it off now and let the situation sit at least for awhile. Her actions after calling off the wedding will tell you if it's worth rebuilding your relationship or not. From my own experience if you forgive too quickly and go ahead with the wedding it will gnaw at your soul for a long, long time.
Trust me when I say this: I know it seems hard, but it's exponentially harder to walk away from a marriage and family than a fiancee. I just wish I had been able to get this advice when I was in a similar situation to yours. It would have caused me some pain then, to be sure, but it might have helped me avoid a quarter-century of heartache that followed.
So, it is done. We are over. I have the ring back.
She came over, we had a very long talk. She finally opened up to me and said that she had been feeling bored over the last while, that she tended to feel that we have the same routine each day and all that stuff.
This feeling of boredom she said led her to having the affair, she says it was only physical.
I spent a long time making the point that this feeling of boredom must be something fundamental in our relationship, not something that could be solved by going to the cinema more often, or going out - she was surprised to find that I have always been totally happy to hang out around the house with her doing nothing.
I continued to make the point that feeling this way even before marriage, no matter what we do now, this will be a short term fix. The boredom would come back.
I have basically written off the PA for a reason for the ending of this relationship, aside from the trust issue, the fundamental here for me is this boredom feeling. I said that we must not be meant for each other, as hard as it seems now. I could not think of any way that this feeling could not come back in the long term.
Another reason we think is the problem - we NEVER fought. We generally kept our feelings in. If we ever did fight, that would be the time that the true feelings would be told. Neither of us was capable of putting across our feelings properly. I think we are just too alike.
We had a long long talk, a very calm and logical conversation about what we are going to do now. She is moving back to her parent's house, I will probably move in with a friend.
We are both TOTALLY devastated about this, but I think that we both agree that it has to be for the best. All we have to do is try to remember this logical approach in the coming weeks and months.