Str8 raw honest answers from the betrayer
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-02-2012, 10:53 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Str8 raw honest answers from the betrayer

What would cause a man to cheat on their loyal wife.
If you have been married a long time & had a great marriage==why cheat then want to stay married..

When you were with the other person did you ever think of your wife..

What was the real raw thoughts that was going thru your mind as you were having sex with the new woman.

After the sex did you ever have guilt or was it too great with the feeling of that thrill to have remorse.

When you first talked to your wife after the sex did you feel anything inside for your wife..

If you got caught by the wife = did you lie & swear that you didnt cheat..why?? Was the real reason to keep it a secret,,because if you already cheated then the most vital reason is broken now anyway..so why?? Keep lying about it..

Why do men when caught cheating run down the other women they were cheating with= with aweful hurtful words.i'm confused on this becuz if you cheated with her over your beautiful wife why then say those words..she was special enough for you too cheat with but when you get caught the other woman is now the trash one..

Once you have affairs is it true that you can change & if so what would be the signs of changing to improve your marriage & show your wife you are sorry..
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Old 02-02-2012, 11:06 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Str8 raw honest answers from the betrayer

When you were cheating did you give the other woman gifts or any of your personal items your wife gave you.

Did you ever keep any gifts from the other woman she gave you..if so why??..is it a reminder or something that truly means something to you to keep it of your affair..

Did you ever take photos or videos of you & the other woman in bed..why??? Is it for you to go back & watch or becuz you had feelings for this other woman..
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Old 02-02-2012, 11:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Str8 raw honest answers from the betrayer

I had an emotional affair - no actual sex - but everything but actual sex. My wife is a wonderful person, and an incredible wife - I was (still am) happily married when my affair began and ended.

Here's my experience. Cheaters compartmentalize. My marriage and wife over here on one side, and my affair and AP (affair partner) over here on the other. When you're with one the other basically doesn't exist - good or bad. It's like walking from room to room and closing the door in between so you can't see from one into the other.

I did get caught, but I let myself because I wanted out of the affair. The compartmentalization and secret were killing me. I had no intention of leaving my wife and the affair was literally eating my soul. The lies normally start when the two compartments meet and the cheater isn't prepared for it - it's damage control. It's also the cheater trying to wrap their head around what they have really done and been a part of as light reveals it. Cheaters lie to themselves about it just as much as they lie to everyone else.

The signs of will a cheater do this again, IMO, are true remorse and a willingness to own what they've done, be held accountable and pay the prices for their actions. If a cheater does those things I think odds are much better than not that it won't happen again. For me - I did and am doing those things (we're 17 months post D day now) and I would rather chew my own appendages off than cheat again - never ever again in a million years for me.
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Old 02-02-2012, 12:07 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Str8 raw honest answers from the betrayer

Im trying so hard to accept what my hubby did to us.the brutal pain i have inside words or thoughts wont describe.he was the 1st person in my life i completely trusted & i told everything too..he never showed signs nor went out to clubs or anywhere when home.he cheated when the military would send him off.i am still finding out now how he got away with it.he used fake names,fake accounts,fake pix to lure women in.the only women who knew about him was the ones he was taking to hotels.then he would give them gifts or he was given gifts from them.i just found out that in 2007 after he got back from iraq he was having an affair online which turned into a trip to a hotel for 4dys..she gave him a necklace which he kept on his dresser all these years & told me a child gave it to him from iraq.after that affair he continued to call this woman until last year when i caught him,even going on skype for cyber sex with her.she never knew he was married.but i'm more worried about the 2nd woman i know about thou..he met her while in korea last year.she is a juicey girl from the phillipines in korea working at the club by camp casey..he went crazy for her & stopped calling me & bought her gifts but never bought me nothing from there..he did things with her he never did with me.but then again she is only 23 yrs old..but i will say that i was amazed how bad she looked for her age..she has a huge gut,no front teeth she wears a retainer that she barely wears..all the pix i saw of her are aweful.she has 2 kids in the phillipines living with her parents.the video i found of them having sex my hubby was not wearing a condem..so i will be honest im afraid to be tested..i truely dont know what to do anymore.my husband is such a nerd looking man with a high iq..very neat kept..we had such a great life & marriage..never argued we've been 2gether 14yrs..i still had butterflies in my stomach when i looked at him until last year when i caught him..now al i have is darkness inside..if he would of came clean & told me the truth i believe i could accept this much better.but he still lies,wont talk about it.but he wants to stay married.so im lost inside..i ask in prayer everyday to guide me on the path to some how get some joy back in my heart.this feeling is a feeling i would never want another human to bare.
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Old 02-02-2012, 12:10 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Str8 raw honest answers from the betrayer

I don't mean to threadjack but I have a question -

Sigma1299 - how did you show remorse? I ask this because my H says he doesn't have time to be remorseful. His EA didn't go into the I Love You stages but there were dates and the whole "friendship" was kept a secret from me until a third party told me what my H was up to. Dday was 4 months ago and I still have questions I would like to ask them but we have had just one too many fights about all of this. This last fight he asked me if I believed him (about what did/didn't go on between him and OW) I told him that I find it hard to believe anything he says when he had been lying to me for so long, H got mad and gave me the cold shoulder the rest of the night.
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Old 02-02-2012, 12:14 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Str8 raw honest answers from the betrayer

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Sigma1299 - how did you show remorse? I ask this because my H says he doesn't have time to be remorseful.

I told him that I find it hard to believe anything he says when he had been lying to me for so long, H got mad and gave me the cold shoulder the rest of the night.
He sounds like he doesn't care about the pain he has caused you at all.
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Old 02-02-2012, 12:22 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Str8 raw honest answers from the betrayer

Long story short - when caught I confessed everything. I knew my only chance to regain my wife's trust was to make sure she did not catch me in a lie or omission after D Day, and I knew that without trust the marriage was over. I answered all of her questions honestly, willingly and gladly - as many times as she asked them - still today. I confessed to her mother in her presence. I confessed to my family in her presence (we're very close to both her family and mine). I willingly gave her access to everything in my life. I have never once gotten even frustrated with her for wanting to talk about it or triggering - I earned it. Her suspicion and fear is my fault and I cannot get mad or frustrated with her for feelings and emotions that I gave her. I told her every time I received any contact from my AP - I did break no contact a couple of times but that's a much longer story (I'm happy to talk about it if anyone is interested but it's a lot of typing I'll save unless there's a reason).

I did everything she asked me to, and lots of things she didn't. It doesn't take a genius to stand up, take ownership of a screw up, fix it as best you can, and pay the prices - but it does take someone who is remorseful and willing to do so.
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Old 02-02-2012, 12:41 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Str8 raw honest answers from the betrayer

To the OP: if your husband is still lying to you then he is not remorseful. If he says he still wants to be married, then he has another reason for that - maybe he doesn't want his family to know what he's done, maybe he likes the idea of being married, I don't know. But the fact is, he is not doing what he needs to do, and you need to provide consequences to him or he'll just keep lying.

Regarding showing remorse - my hubby has pretty much been the model of remorse. For the most part - there are things he would rather not talk about and that upset him and he may get short with me once in a while - but I am very happy with the way he's stepped up. He didn't confess everything at once when I caught him, that took a while, and then there was one major setback, but things are good now. Some of the ways he shows remorse are:
- answers my questions over and over and over a hundred times
- gives me access to everything - bank and credit card info, email addresses, his phone and phone bills, etc unconditionally
- apologizes to me over and over, sometimes when he can tell I need him to, sometimes just out of the blue
- goes to MC with me and wants to do so
- read The Five Love Languages, learned mine, and uses it now
- makes it a point to do things that fill up my love bank regularly
- attends SA meetings every week because he wants to
- is learning to talk about his feelings - this is a huge one for him
- has done a ton of reading and thinking to try to understand how much he really hurt me
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Old 02-02-2012, 01:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Str8 raw honest answers from the betrayer

For most men it would be

No sex
No affections
No sex
Nagging wife
No sex
Jealousy
No sex
Treat us like dirt
No sex


And for some men out there, we just can't keep our pants on if we know it's a sure thing. Raises hand (when I was younger).

But then again, this can go both ways with either men or women.
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Old 02-02-2012, 03:19 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Str8 raw honest answers from the betrayer

Ok i'm going to go out on a cliff here with my brutal honest ways..
I never nagged nor questioned my hubby until his affairs were exposed.
I've never even now went thru his wallet.
For our sex life well that is what seems to make me bitter=becuz i would dress up for him,play different roles.i would do crazy sex acts in public.
A few years ago we were driving back from fla on the interstate in broad daylite i got completely naked while he was driving & climbed on top of him & did my business.it was awesome..i always loved to surprise him with crazy sex acts to make him feel as i feel about him.sometimes i feel to blame for his cheating becuz i wonder if i created this beast in him.when we got 2gether he was green in bed..i taught him alot..i'm alot older then him.i told him i feel so violated on that issue becuz everything i taught him & invested in this long marriage he turned around & used it on strangers..i told him i feel like a slaughtered hog hanging with my throat & guts being ripped from me..i will never feel the same nor will i trust anyone again.i only can truely trust my dog & my bible.
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Old 02-02-2012, 04:12 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Ok i'm going to go out on a cliff here with my brutal honest ways..
I never nagged nor questioned my hubby until his affairs were exposed.
I've never even now went thru his wallet.
For our sex life well that is what seems to make me bitter=becuz i would dress up for him,play different roles.i would do crazy sex acts in public.
A few years ago we were driving back from fla on the interstate in broad daylite i got completely naked while he was driving & climbed on top of him & did my business.it was awesome..i always loved to surprise him with crazy sex acts to make him feel as i feel about him.sometimes i feel to blame for his cheating becuz i wonder if i created this beast in him.when we got 2gether he was green in bed..i taught him alot..i'm alot older then him.i told him i feel so violated on that issue becuz everything i taught him & invested in this long marriage he turned around & used it on strangers..i told him i feel like a slaughtered hog hanging with my throat & guts being ripped from me..i will never feel the same nor will i trust anyone again.i only can truely trust my dog & my bible.
Your stories like mine. I married the older woman who taught me and I tried out things she taught me on other women. She didn't corrupt me I had issues with me from the start that weren't her fault. I didn't believe I deserved her and always feared her leaving me. I cheated as a way to justify the inevitable. I really messed up.
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Old 02-02-2012, 10:04 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Your stories like mine. I married the older woman who taught me and I tried out things she taught me on other women. She didn't corrupt me I had issues with me from the start that weren't her fault. I didn't believe I deserved her and always feared her leaving me. I cheated as a way to justify the inevitable. I really messed up.
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ASHAMED74===YOU HIT THE NAIL RITE ON THE HEAD.
WOW NOW I UNDERSTAND IN SOME WEIRD WAY WHY HE WOULD TELL ME-I WAS TO GOOD FOR HIM,HOW DID HE EVER GET ME,HE WOULD CALL ME HIS TROPHY WIFE..NOW I GET HIS MENTAL MAN THINKING..MY HUBBY IS A NERD SERIOUSLY..BUT A CLOSET DIRTY NERD WITH BAD THOUGHTS HE TURNS INTO ACTIONS...'
ASHAMED74 COULD YOU TELL ME HONESTLY WHY IF SHE WAS GREAT ..WHY CHEAT...I'M WANTING TO KNOW OR UNDERSTAND WHY WHEN A MAN HAS A GREAT LIFE,WOMAN...THEY STRAY CHANCING IT ALL...
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Old 02-02-2012, 10:45 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Str8 raw honest answers from the betrayer

Quote:
Originally Posted by cheatinghubby View Post
For most men it would be

No sex
No affections
No sex
Nagging wife
No sex
Jealousy
No sex
Treat us like dirt
No sex


And for some men out there, we just can't keep our pants on if we know it's a sure thing. Raises hand (when I was younger).

But then again, this can go both ways with either men or women.
I guess my husbands fall into the "Can't keep their pants on" catagory. I would never do any of the things in your list above. But apparently that does not matter.
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Old 02-02-2012, 11:57 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Str8 raw honest answers from the betrayer

st8insane, you are putting a lot of energy into trying to figure out why he did this. For the record you sound like a great wife and he sounds like he didn't recognize it.

Are you trying to reconcile with him?
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:08 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by sigma1299 View Post
Long story short - when caught I confessed everything. I knew my only chance to regain my wife's trust was to make sure she did not catch me in a lie or omission after D Day, and I knew that without trust the marriage was over. I answered all of her questions honestly, willingly and gladly - as many times as she asked them - still today. I confessed to her mother in her presence. I confessed to my family in her presence (we're very close to both her family and mine). I willingly gave her access to everything in my life. I have never once gotten even frustrated with her for wanting to talk about it or triggering - I earned it. Her suspicion and fear is my fault and I cannot get mad or frustrated with her for feelings and emotions that I gave her. I told her every time I received any contact from my AP - I did break no contact a couple of times but that's a much longer story (I'm happy to talk about it if anyone is interested but it's a lot of typing I'll save unless there's a reason).

I did everything she asked me to, and lots of things she didn't. It doesn't take a genius to stand up, take ownership of a screw up, fix it as best you can, and pay the prices - but it does take someone who is remorseful and willing to do so.
I sure wish everyone who got caught in your shoes would be this transparent and realize it is THEIR duty to make you trust them again and not think just because a small period of time has passed means they MUST trust the cheater. He/She who cheats and wants to stay in their marriage needs to realize there is no golden amount of time the other spouse should trust them. It could take years for the spouse to trust. And if you want to stay in the marriage, you will do whatever it takes, as long as it takes for your spouse to trust you again.
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