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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-08-2012, 10:20 PM   #166 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

Confused, I don't understand a word of babble you wrote. Do you understand any of it?

Man does she ever have the ability to fill you with fog.

Bottom line: she cheated. She gaslighted you to where you let her go do it. Now when it's time to treat her like an adult and have her really face consequences for her deliberate actions, you turn to a bunch of touchy freely babble on why you aren't simply divorcing her.

She isn't posed by an daemon that made her cheat. She is an adult who chose to have sex with another man and to twist the truth so much that you stepped out of the way so she could do it.

She and he no doubt have had some good laughs at what an accommodating beta you are.
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Old 02-08-2012, 10:35 PM   #167 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

Have you agreed to take her back on conditions, or are you still pursuing divorce?

I know she's the woman you love, and I'm glad she showed you some emotion and talked about what she did. Just remember that she did do that sh!t. You could choose to be with someone who hasn't disrespected you like that.

But your marriage 'could' be repaired so of course you would want to give that a shot, if nothing else to at least have tried everything to save it. I get that.

Do what makes you happy, by all means. Just really think about what that means first. She can be confused all she wants, but she really did crap on you and your marriage.

Hope this can end happy...best of luck man.
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Old 02-08-2012, 10:40 PM   #168 (permalink)
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Man does she ever have the ability to fill you with fog.
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Old 02-08-2012, 10:44 PM   #169 (permalink)
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Confu?ed - Dude. I feel you. I was married 6 years (w no kids) and when my XW had an affair last summer I walked out hard. I gave her several chances (a few too many) to come clean and explain herself, and she NEVER gave me one thing that I didn't know on my own already. She denied and lied when I'd confront her (even told me "maybe I shouldn't trust her anymore", but then followed it up with a lie - "I would never cheat on you! I'd tell if you if I was going to"). And only when I found details out on my own (through texts/emails, etc) did she give in and admit them. And then it was ONLY those details. I finally had enough that I was sick to my stomach enough to let her have it.

It wasn't easy then, it's not easy now. But the anger goes away, trust me. The pain I feel now is mainly feeling sorry for her, because even though she never really showed remorse for her actions, she has shown me through actions lately that she knows she deserves what came down on her. Financial mess, and shame from family/friends, to be exact.

I've moved on and found so many things to be happy about as a result of giving her the big D. If your W is playing these kinds of games with you, she has no respect for you. And now it's up to you to do what you have to in order to create that respect for yourself - it will come from her later, and perhaps in time to save the marriage, but I feel my situation was very akin to your current one. So I don't want to sugar coat anything. She is in love with the other guy. She is most likely WRONG, but that's how she feels, and the fact of the matter is that she believes it.

If she wants to stay with you, either she or OM must quit their job. If not, I'd recommend YOU find other work, because you will not want to work with your stbxw and her new d-bag lover.

Give her the boot. I know you love her, but if she has the audacity to protect the OM, claim one thing and do another, to YOUR detriment, she is no longer your wife in action - only in name.

Please try to resign yourself to D, and make it official by serving her as soon as possible. It will suck the whole way through, and you will second guess yourself (and her). But the things that have to change are on her end, not yours. You told her what she had to do, she agreed, and then did the EXACT OPPOSITE. Let her have it. And the OM. They'll be broken up in a month anyway and then you'll start to feel bad for her as she flounders to "find herself" again.

But it won't be your problem and she'll know why, and will have to accept it at some point.

Good luck, my D has been official for a little over a month, I'm seeing a great girl who has dealt with this mess like a champ, and while I miss my old life (as I thought it was), I don't miss my XW. She treated me like dirt. Just as your W is to you. Hike up your britches, hit the gym, take care of yourself, and a little ways down the road life will look up in so many ways.

So sorry she did this to you...it hurts and it's embarrassing, but then you start to realize that she is one who should be (and likely is) embarrassed, NOT you. Period. And never stay with her parents again. They are your future ex-inlaws. Not your enemies, but certainly not your friends in this situation. They likely lied for her when they said she was staying there.
Just reread this post. Still ringing true in my head - so, thanks again for this one
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Old 02-08-2012, 10:53 PM   #170 (permalink)
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Im still moving forward with D. We are meeting with the mediator tomorrow.
The "fog" that I am in is the understanding of people. Maybe it is too many psychology classes over the years, or my ability to see the good in people, but I still contest that the good is within her.

Sorry for another movie analogy, but alls I can think of right now is darth vader... he was fundamentally good, but he did things for a while that made him bad. Once he "found himself" he was able to show the world that he was a good person at the core.

And I am babbling... just writing what comes to mind unedited, so im sorry for that
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Old 02-08-2012, 11:50 PM   #171 (permalink)
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I think it was George Bernard Shaw who said, "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

Both my H and I like this quote, because we can still become who we want to be in this life. My H never believed he was capable of infidelity, turns out he didn't really know himself because he was capable. He didn't lose himself. He lacked foresight and purpose in who he wanted to be and how to make it happen. He never anticipated he'd have to make hard choices someday. Choices he was ill equipped to deal with and execute. He thought he'd automatically be the man he wanted to be, but it turns out he needed an awareness of hs weaknesses and the capabilities to deal with them. Instead he allowed himself to become someone he never thought he'd become, a cheater. Now with eyes wide open he has a chance to create himself again and he plans on making the right choices this time to make it happen.

Good luck moving forward and try to focus on creating the person you want to be, with or without your wife.
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Old 02-09-2012, 06:21 AM   #172 (permalink)
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I think it was George Bernard Shaw who said, "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

Both my H and I like this quote, because we can still become who we want to be in this life. My H never believed he was capable of infidelity, turns out he didn't really know himself because he was capable. He didn't lose himself. He lacked foresight and purpose in who he wanted to be and how to make it happen. He never anticipated he'd have to make hard choices someday. Choices he was ill equipped to deal with and execute. He thought he'd automatically be the man he wanted to be, but it turns out he needed an awareness of hs weaknesses and the capabilities to deal with them. Instead he allowed himself to become someone he never thought he'd become, a cheater. Now with eyes wide open he has a chance to create himself again and he plans on making the right choices this time to make it happen.

Good luck moving forward and try to focus on creating the person you want to be, with or without your wife.
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Great post. Thank you. So you two r?
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:20 AM   #173 (permalink)
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Great post. Thank you. So you two r?
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Yes, but it hasn't been easy. It's been over a year since d-day and I'm still in this marriage today because my H appears to be truly remorseful and wants to R. He left his job (ow was co-worker), sent a NC letter, exposed the A to close family and friends I selected . . . he did everything I asked. He reported to me the ow's fishing attempts and even called to tell me right away when he responded to an IM she sent at work and fwd the exchange (this was all before he found a new job).

Your situation appears to be more difficult since your wife went to the OM after you confronted her about the affair. This would've been a deal breaker for me. I was ready to file for divorce the moment my H confessed the A was a PA not just an EA. He talked me into waiting to see if we could work it out for the kids. Now I'm glad we're doing better and I chose to R, but I still get days full of doubt. People aren't kidding when they say it takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity.

I know if my H had gone to the OW at any point after d-day to continue the affair or take it underground, I wouldn't be with him today. I also know if he ever does this again or if he went underground with the affair, I'd be done. It's somewhat freeing when you no longer fear divorce and realize you could let your spouse go if need be. I don't want either of those things, but I'm mentally prepared to walk if I discover he's not being honest in our R. It would be devastating, but I'm not going through the pain of R a second time. Once is enough.

Everyone has different breaking points, but I think the faster a BS realizes they're better off alone than with a unremorseful WS the better. R is not possible with only one person doing all the work, it's hard enough even when you have a WS willing to do the heavy lifting. It's a two person endeavor to say the least.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, so try to do what's best for you and your own healing.
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:56 AM   #174 (permalink)
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The "fog" that I am in is the understanding of people. Maybe it is too many psychology classes over the years, or my ability to see the good in people, but I still contest that the good is within her.
There is still good with in her. No one will contest that. She did not become an puppy killing evil wench over night. But there is also a level of self-centeredness in her behavior right now that will harm you in the long term if you give her too much credit. Too much kindness and empathy at this point will only enable her to continue her selfish behavior and hurt more people.
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Old 02-10-2012, 08:25 AM   #175 (permalink)
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But there is also a level of self-centeredness in her behavior right now that will harm you in the long term if you give her too much credit. Too much kindness and empathy at this point will only enable her to continue her selfish behavior and hurt more people.
i agree completely.

We met with the mediator yesterday. It went ok for what it was. I was actually feeling like I could try to R with her. As the day continued, I am starting to think that she will have to drastically change and I am not convinced she is ready to do that.

Proceeding with D.
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Old 02-10-2012, 08:29 AM   #176 (permalink)
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Your situation appears to be more difficult since your wife went to the OM after you confronted her about the affair. This would've been a deal breaker for me.
I think this is one of the most important things for me. Did she have a PA, yes.... does she feel bad about it?.. sure... does she continue to tell me that she needs him in her life?..yes... that last part will be the biggest reason I am continuing with D. It just shows she can't R

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Everyone has different breaking points, but I think the faster a BS realizes they're better off alone than with a unremorseful WS the better. R is not possible with only one person doing all the work, it's hard enough even when you have a WS willing to do the heavy lifting. It's a two person endeavor to say the least.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, so try to do what's best for you and your own healing.

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Old 02-10-2012, 08:31 AM   #177 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

Confused - she didn't just have a PA.

She engineered the a setup situation to get you to get out of way out of compassion for her so she could have an affair.
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