Great post. Thank you. So you two r?
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Yes, but it hasn't been easy. It's been over a year since d-day and I'm still in this marriage today because my H appears to be truly remorseful and wants to R. He left his job (ow was co-worker), sent a NC letter, exposed the A to close family and friends I selected . . . he did everything I asked. He reported to me the ow's fishing attempts and even called to tell me right away when he responded to an IM she sent at work and fwd the exchange (this was all before he found a new job).
Your situation appears to be more difficult since your wife went to the OM after you confronted her about the affair. This would've been a deal breaker for me. I was ready to file for divorce the moment my H confessed the A was a PA not just an EA. He talked me into waiting to see if we could work it out for the kids. Now I'm glad we're doing better and I chose to R, but I still get days full of doubt. People aren't kidding when they say it takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity.
I know if my H had gone to the OW at any point after d-day to continue the affair or take it underground, I wouldn't be with him today. I also know if he ever does this again or if he went underground with the affair, I'd be done. It's somewhat freeing when you no longer fear divorce and realize you could let your spouse go if need be. I don't want either of those things, but I'm mentally prepared to walk if I discover he's not being honest in our R. It would be devastating, but I'm not going through the pain of R a second time. Once is enough.
Everyone has different breaking points, but I think the faster a BS realizes they're better off alone than with a unremorseful WS the better. R is not possible with only one person doing all the work, it's hard enough even when you have a WS willing to do the heavy lifting. It's a two person endeavor to say the least.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, so try to do what's best for you and your own healing.