-Who is the OM/How`d she meet him?
-Is the OM married, have a girlfriend?
-Do you rent or own,Whose name is the lease/mortgage in?
-Do you all work together?
friend from grad school - who now works for our company too
not married
own - both names
yes, we all work at a fortune 500 company - she sits ~300 yards away from me, he sits ~1mile (it is a big campus)
It's not the point,the point is you will no longer tolorate her currant behavior and you are confident enough to move on with her or with out her...it is her choice.
You can't control her but you can make this kind of statement that lets her know you are strong enough to make it. There by making her think twice about what she *had* and what she has *now*
A man that will not tolorate this behavior.
Its good she chooses to stay....again making the affiar inconvienent as long as she stay and dealing with the fact that you will continue to make the affair uncomfortable.
Bottom line, if she stays, then she stay under the contitions that you will not be her doormat and you will expose her affair as she continues to disrespect you.
Or she can move out and hid and try to keep this adultous behavior a secret. Again, she stays..then the affair is fought and exposed.
She doesn'tknow it but if she stays, the new you will make it harder for her to continue this behavior.
It's not the point,the point is you will no longer tolorate her currant behavior and you are confident enough to move on with her or with out her...it is her choice.
You can't control her but you can make this kind of statement that lets her know you are strong enough to make it. There by making her think twice about what she *had* and what she has *now*
A man that will not tolorate this behavior.
Its good she chooses to stay....again making the affiar inconvienent as long as she stay and dealing with the fact that you will continue to make the affair uncomfortable.
Bottom line, if she stays, then she stay under the contitions that you will not be her doormat and you will expose her affair as she continues to disrespect you.
Or she can move out and hid and try to keep this adultous behavior a secret. Again, she stays..then the affair is fought and exposed.
She doesn'tknow it but if she stays, the new you will make it harder for her to continue this behavior.
sorry - but im a little confu?ed (hence the i.d. name)....
so are you saying after I confront her... i don't ask her to leave, rather, i stay strong and not cry and all that good stuff - but i let her choose me or him - if me, ok stay - we will stay together - if him, then make her leave (and if she doesn't, then i goto backup plan?)
is that what you are saying?
Is he involved with a girlfriend?
Reason being if he is you have a 50/50 shot at getting him to ditch your wife if you expose their affair to her.
She will either dump him or try to reconcile.
Women are statistically more likely to reconcile.
Obviously one of her boundaries for reconciliation would be NC with your wife.
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own - both names
That`s tricky.
You have a few options I can think of, none of them great.
You can somehow get her to leave, do you have any leverage over her that would cause her to do this?Can you afford this house by yourself?
You can leave and get your own place if that`s financially feasible while being responsible for the house too.
You can remain in the home with her in an in-house separation.(This option sucks most)
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yes, we all work at a fortune 500 company - she sits ~300 yards away from me, he sits ~1mile (it is a big campus)
Does your company have any policy in place that prohibits inter -employee relationships/infidelity?
Can you use any company policy to get him reprimanded/fired?
This could also be leverage over her to get her the hell out of the house if there is policy against her affair you can use the threat of her job to get her to leave.
Yes.
Your back up plan is willing to just let her go. Making her instantly face the consequences for her dicisions.
Be careful though, once she sees this new confidence, see will tell you what you want hear and continue the affair so continue to validate her commitment.
Sure you are backing her into a corner by asking her to leave and she may leave, but she may stay. whch is is good IMHO.
The 1st rule is no contact with the OM, if she stays you can keep an eye on her. If she leaves then she is already gone and it truely is time to move on.
So often there is a limbo that I have avoided by making my fWW choose right then and there. A confidence that I need to beable to just let her go. She made the healthy choice to stay and under my terms.
In your case it can go either way, so if your prepared to let her go then do so, and be prepared for her to call your bluff, but then again she will have to face the consequences.
Is he involved with a girlfriend?
Reason being if he is you have a 50/50 shot at getting him to ditch your wife if you expose their affair to her.
She will either dump him or try to reconcile.
Women are statistically more likely to reconcile.
Obviously one of her boundaries for reconciliation would be NC with your wife.
That`s tricky.
You have a few options I can think of, none of them great.
You can somehow get her to leave, do you have any leverage over her that would cause her to do this?Can you afford this house by yourself?
You can leave and get your own place if that`s financially feasible while being responsible for the house too.
You can remain in the home with her in an in-house separation.(This option sucks most)
Does your company have any policy in place that prohibits inter -employee relationships/infidelity?
Can you use any company policy to get him reprimanded/fired?
This could also be leverage over her to get her the hell out of the house if there is policy against her affair you can use the threat of her job to get her to leave.
1- OM is single... i think that is part of the attraction from WW... he is free to do what he wants when he wants, and she is stuck in a marriage.
2-can't afford house by myself... can probably afford an apt by myself, but it would be VERY difficult.. i would go live with my dad or sister for a while until we sold the house, then id get my own place
could do in-house- we have enough bedrooms/bathrooms
3) interesting idea about the company policy - i never thought to look into that (why would i?!?) but i will do that first thing in the morning
1- OM is single... i think that is part of the attraction from WW... he is free to do what he wants when he wants, and she is stuck in a marriage.
That really sucks.
When the OM is in a relationship you as the BS have his balls in a vice.
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2-can't afford house by myself... can probably afford an apt by myself, but it would be VERY difficult.. i would go live with my dad or sister for a while until we sold the house, then id get my own place could do in-house- we have enough bedrooms/bathrooms
In-house is a heart wrenching horrible option but sometimes necessary.
If you want to divorce your best bet is to get the hell away from her ASAP.
If you absolutely can`t get her to leave I`d say your best bet is to go stay with family even though it sucks to be paying the mortgage on a house you aren`t going to benefit from.
You could default into foreclosure.
If I couldn`t get her out I`d probably stay with family or get my own place and refuse to pay the mortgage.
Foreclosure takes forever and she`d be a stressed freak trying to pay the mortgage.
It might get her out.
Or she could move her boyfriend in and he`d have to pay your mortgage.
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3) interesting idea about the company policy - i never thought to look into that (why would i?!?) but i will do that first thing in the morning
I would think a Fortune 500 would have "Something" in place that could give you leverage but I'm not very knowledgable about such things.
Looking into the co. policy is again...making the affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible. The point is to get rid of the OM. Making it not worth the effort in continueing the affair.
In-house is a heart wrenching horrible option but sometimes necessary.
If you want to divorce your best bet is to get the hell away from her ASAP.
If you absolutely can`t get her to leave I`d say your best bet is to go stay with family even though it sucks to be paying the mortgage on a house you aren`t going to benefit from.
You could default into foreclosure.
If I couldn`t get her out I`d probably stay with family or get my own place and refuse to pay the mortgage.
Foreclosure takes forever and she`d be a stressed freak trying to pay the mortgage.
It might get her out.
Or she could move her boyfriend in and he`d have to pay your mortgage.
I would think a Fortune 500 would have "Something" in place that could give you leverage but I'm not very knowledgable about such things.
I don't want to forclose... too much cost on the credit score - which i will need if i get my own place! (not to mention Credit Cards and Car loans and etc etc..)
either in-home or living with family would probably be the best bet....
but lets see what happens first.
I am prepared to make the jump, but who knows, maybe she will want to R.... otherwise, ill be getting a D.
It won't be R or D. There is an another place in the middle called Limbo aka hell. That is hell. why would she tell you the truth(the extent of their affair) when she stands to gain much more by lying to you? R or D, you can only do that when you have the complete truth.
You said you were "out of there" if she lied about no contact.
If you want to R the advice is way different man.
The entire thing relies upon "trust but verify".
You need to commit to nothing until you know the depths of her lies and have a system in place to verify her future actions.
You're unlikely to get the real truth from her so you`ll need to get it yourself.
If tomorrow she wants to R and you`re agreeable don`t let her know you`re agreeable right away.
You need to buy some time to discover how bad the lies are.
Tell her you need some time to "find yourself" to stall.
valid points... i will have to think about this one tonight.. thank you for pointing that out to me.
currently, in general, i guess i feel like if i do the choose speech, and she chooses me, then i will give her the opportunity to R. If she is wishy washy, doesn't choose, or chooses OM, then i will get D.
if she chooses me, then i will stay in the house. If she chooses OM / wishy washy, then i will either move to family or in-house separate...
i will ask her to move out that night - if she doesn't - i will goto backup plan and goto my sisters
how does that sound?
(btw, thank you for being a sounding board tonight, i am finding this very helpful to lay out a plan prior to me trying to goto sleep!)
It won't be R or D. There is an another place in the middle called Limbo aka hell. That is hell. why would she tell you the truth(the extent of their affair) when she stands to gain much more by lying to you? R or D, you can only do that when you have the complete truth.
I disagree warlock.
He can D now if he likes, in fact more "truth" is even perhaps just going to make his heartbreak worse if he decides to D.
She`s broken his boundaries and cheated, that`s enough justification to D as it stands.
If he wants R though he`s going to have to have that truth as a gauge to her sincerity and in order to quench the morbid curiosity that usually arises.
To silence the questions that will eat at him for ..a long time.
The questions will be replaced with heartache at the truth he discovers ...ironically.
Edit:
I totally agree with your limbo comment.
That`s why I advise him not to commit to R right away.
This way he`ll have time to find some of that truth on his own and maybe avoid much of that limbo.
valid points... i will have to think about this one tonight.. thank you for pointing that out to me.
currently, in general, i guess i feel like if i do the choose speech, and she chooses me, then i will give her the opportunity to R. If she is wishy washy, doesn't choose, or chooses OM, then i will get D.
if she chooses me, then i will stay in the house. If she chooses OM / wishy washy, then i will either move to family or in-house separate...
i will ask her to move out that night - if she doesn't - i will goto backup plan and goto my sisters
how does that sound?
Sounds like you have a good plan for what you have to work with.
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(btw, thank you for being a sounding board tonight, i am finding this very helpful to lay out a plan prior to me trying to goto sleep!)
You`re welcome.
If the result is R make sure to post back here because believe it or not this is the easy part.
R is a serious ***** my friend and takes a strong constitution to get through it.
Sorry to disagree with T- but you do not need to find your self but you are confident in no longer tolorating her curant behavior and will be taking the nessasary steps in moving on if she continues.
Granted this crap is tough but to side step your belief in what you diserve with regard to you happiness only b/c of your credit score, well then let her continue to behave the way she is behaving and go under ground and secure your self and when you got the dough, then confront her.
But, confronting and telling her your pissed that she's cheating , but can't do anything thing b/c your finacially straped well then you played your hand.
Confidence....no matter emotionally or finacially speaking you need to have this in order to show her you can move on with out her if she continues. A perception that will lead her to believe that it will be her that will have the only consequences.
I'm assuming that she sees you finacialy secure. If that is not the case then it would be wise to get your finacise in order.......again confronting with the up most confidencein willing to let her go if she wants to continue her behavior.
The last thing you want is her calling your bluff, thinking you aint going any where. Again just more disrespect you will face from her.
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Re: She says she "lost herself" 
