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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-06-2012, 01:35 PM   #121 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

She chose you on Saturday then spent Sunday with her lover?

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Old 02-06-2012, 02:13 PM   #122 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

Quote:
it says choo choo and there is a picture of a train on it!!!! (classic simpsons episode, btw! thank you for that haha)
...haw, haw....

You are a male... right?.......
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:10 PM   #123 (permalink)
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It seems to me that she considers you her enabler. The lack of caring and respect she has for you is interesting.

What do you think is holding you back?
it is an interesting question... I am not really sure. I am going through the emotional roller coaster right now. looking at pictures around my house makes me nausious. I know she will never tell me the full truth about the whole thing... (we can see that through all of the TT she is doing).

The worst part about the ups and downs of my thoughts on the whole thing is that when you spend 9 years (1/3 of my life!) caring for, supporting, loving, creating memories, planning futures, etc, etc etc... its just hard to move on.
I need to hear what she has to say. I will be talking to her on Wed after work. That should give me a few days to clear my head.

For all of you telling me im an idiot - and that i should just serve her, here is what i did today -

1) contacted a lawyer
2) opened my own checking account
3) got my own credit card
4) inventoried all of our belongings in our house
5) starting to put all of our financials together
so give me some slack!! im absolutely going for this path. I just need to hear some of her excuses. (maybe i enjoy the pain, or need more pain to push me the extra quarter of an inch!)
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:14 PM   #124 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

Good job.
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:25 PM   #125 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

So she has been gone since attending OM's Super Bowl party?

Remember when you talk to her that she will not tell you the truth.

I seriously doubt that the one time she admitted to sex with OM was the first time they did it. It sounds like they have been physical for some time now and the OM would not commit to her (other than an occasional roll in the hay). I still can not get over the fact that she tells you they had sex over the weekend, then said she chooses you, then goes to him. WOW. That should tell you all you need to know about her. And it sounds like she had sex with him in your house while you were at her parents? WOW again.

Stay strong. You are doing good. You are in for a tough ride but you will be infinitely better off in the end.
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:25 PM   #126 (permalink)
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...haw, haw....

You are a male... right?.......

yea... im a dude
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:27 PM   #127 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

Please var the conversation. For your own protection.
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:32 PM   #128 (permalink)
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Please var the conversation. For your own protection.
not sure what that means
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:37 PM   #129 (permalink)
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not sure what that means
Voice Activate Recorder. Pick one up at Radio Shack, Best Buy or what ever. Have it with you when you talk to her.

Just in case she goes nuts on you and tries to accuse you of something latter. (It has happened to other before).
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:41 PM   #130 (permalink)
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not sure what that means
Voice
Activated
Recorder


VAR
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:41 PM   #131 (permalink)
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Voice Activate Recorder. Pick one up at Radio Shack, Best Buy or what ever. Have it with you when you talk to her.

Just in case she goes nuts on you and tries to accuse you of something latter. (It has happened to other before).
oh, got ya! great idea....

ill do that. thanks
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Old 02-06-2012, 08:25 PM   #132 (permalink)
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When she told you she chose you and you told her you were going to a superbowl party she didn't want to go to then she said she was going to OM's party, needs a little clarification. How did this come about exactly. What did you say to this? I wonder if this was some kind of fitness test watching for your response. Were you watching her closely? How was she acting? Was it said like a threat? The reason I'm asking is that is probably one of the most bizarre moments I have heard described here.
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Old 02-06-2012, 08:29 PM   #133 (permalink)
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When she told you she chose you and you told her you were going to a superbowl party she didn't want to go to then she said she was going to OM's party, needs a little clarification. How did this come about exactly. What did you say to this? I wonder if this was some kind of fitness test watching for your response. Were you watching her closely? How was she acting? Was it said like a threat? The reason I'm asking is that is probably one of the most bizarre moments I have heard described here.
I'm wondering why he didn't tell her to go and not come back....ever.
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Old 02-06-2012, 09:07 PM   #134 (permalink)
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Confu?ed - Dude. I feel you. I was married 6 years (w no kids) and when my XW had an affair last summer I walked out hard. I gave her several chances (a few too many) to come clean and explain herself, and she NEVER gave me one thing that I didn't know on my own already. She denied and lied when I'd confront her (even told me "maybe I shouldn't trust her anymore", but then followed it up with a lie - "I would never cheat on you! I'd tell if you if I was going to"). And only when I found details out on my own (through texts/emails, etc) did she give in and admit them. And then it was ONLY those details. I finally had enough that I was sick to my stomach enough to let her have it.

It wasn't easy then, it's not easy now. But the anger goes away, trust me. The pain I feel now is mainly feeling sorry for her, because even though she never really showed remorse for her actions, she has shown me through actions lately that she knows she deserves what came down on her. Financial mess, and shame from family/friends, to be exact.

I've moved on and found so many things to be happy about as a result of giving her the big D. If your W is playing these kinds of games with you, she has no respect for you. And now it's up to you to do what you have to in order to create that respect for yourself - it will come from her later, and perhaps in time to save the marriage, but I feel my situation was very akin to your current one. So I don't want to sugar coat anything. She is in love with the other guy. She is most likely WRONG, but that's how she feels, and the fact of the matter is that she believes it.

If she wants to stay with you, either she or OM must quit their job. If not, I'd recommend YOU find other work, because you will not want to work with your stbxw and her new d-bag lover.

Give her the boot. I know you love her, but if she has the audacity to protect the OM, claim one thing and do another, to YOUR detriment, she is no longer your wife in action - only in name.

Please try to resign yourself to D, and make it official by serving her as soon as possible. It will suck the whole way through, and you will second guess yourself (and her). But the things that have to change are on her end, not yours. You told her what she had to do, she agreed, and then did the EXACT OPPOSITE. Let her have it. And the OM. They'll be broken up in a month anyway and then you'll start to feel bad for her as she flounders to "find herself" again.

But it won't be your problem and she'll know why, and will have to accept it at some point.

Good luck, my D has been official for a little over a month, I'm seeing a great girl who has dealt with this mess like a champ, and while I miss my old life (as I thought it was), I don't miss my XW. She treated me like dirt. Just as your W is to you. Hike up your britches, hit the gym, take care of yourself, and a little ways down the road life will look up in so many ways.

So sorry she did this to you...it hurts and it's embarrassing, but then you start to realize that she is one who should be (and likely is) embarrassed, NOT you. Period. And never stay with her parents again. They are your future ex-inlaws. Not your enemies, but certainly not your friends in this situation. They likely lied for her when they said she was staying there.
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Old 02-06-2012, 09:08 PM   #135 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

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Originally Posted by chapparal View Post
When she told you she chose you and you told her you were going to a superbowl party she didn't want to go to then she said she was going to OM's party, needs a little clarification. How did this come about exactly. What did you say to this? I wonder if this was some kind of fitness test watching for your response. Were you watching her closely? How was she acting? Was it said like a threat? The reason I'm asking is that is probably one of the most bizarre moments I have heard described here.
It was a fitness test but a remorseful wife knows she`s in no position to be testing a betrayed seeking R.

Only a woman still weighing her options would be testing.

If she`s still weighing options it should be done regardless.
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