She says she "lost herself"
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-02-2012, 07:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default She says she "lost herself"

So let me try to summarize it all as quickly as I can..
We met in college, have been together for 9 years - married for 4, no children.
We are the same age and work at the same place.
I must have been blind by love and thinking that nothing bad would ever happen to us, for our relationship was "perfect".
We would never keep any secrets from each other and we would ride off into the sunset.... Up until 7 months ago.

The W claims that this has been going on for at least 2 years, but I didn't see it. Looking back now, I can see glimpses, but not until recently did I fully understand.
It started off with her saying "you lost passion for me" and "we do everything together, I need you to be your own person" followed by "I need a partner to walk beside me" and "We need to goto counseling." Most recently, it has been "you are a wonderful man, I don't deserve you" and "I can't be with you because I don't love myself"....

3 Weeks ago, she admitted to an EA with "1 make out" session when she was drunk. I asked her very direct questions where she came clean on the whole thing, and I truly believe she has. At the time, I didn't know about the NC letter but she did meet him one last time for about 45 mins where she told him that she can't contact him / he can't contact her. As far as I know she has not contacted him /he hasn't contacted her.
The weekend of the big reveal, she decided to move to her parents house for a week so that she can figure some things out. She only stayed there one night (confirmed with her parents) and then moved back home.

She has been going to IC on her own (3 or 4 sessions so far) and she has determined that she doesn't love herself. She is never settled with anything in life. Her mind is constantly active - always thinking about the future, always planning her next moves, always distracting herself with what is next. She doesn't stop to smell the roses. She says that she never really had time to "find herself" because she was always in a relationship. She started dating at 14 and had 3 relationships one after the other until she met me (and when I met her, she just got out of her relationship!!) One of the fears she has is that she doesn't know who she is because she has never been alone! (Even when I travel for work, she has friends stay over so that she is not alone!!)
She has always looked to me to try to fill whatever "happiness" she was looking for. Over the years, (and I agree with her) I haven't been my own person. I have molded into an extension of her - always trying to do things for her to keep her happy, to fill that "void", and to try to calm her overactive brain.

Anyways, since she moved out for a day (which was supposed to be a week) and came back, we decided that I move out for 2 weeks so that she can try to "find herself." Now I am currently staying at her parents. We decided to try to limit our conversations/contact so that she can focus on herself. She doesn't know if 2 weeks is enough to find herself (I agree, fundamentally, because finding yourself takes your whole lifetime!) But she is not sure if 2 weeks will work - or 1 month - or 6 months - or a year!!! I told her that while I am supportive of her finding herself, I am not going to wait in Limbo. I need her to decide what she wants (obviously, I want to work it out and move forward!)

She has been looking for ideas on ways to find herself so I got her a self help book with a long questionnaire that basically makes you fill in the blanks. (she thought it was a great gift). She has also been going to Yoga and may join a meditation group.

She has been at our house (supposedly by herself) for almost 2 weeks now. (She had to cook dinner, clean, take care of the animals, etc all by herself) The end of 2 weeks is coming up on Sunday and I think I am going to try to move back in. Here is my thought (which I came up with from reading a LOT of posts on this site)
1) we are having dinner together tomorrow
2) I am going to ask if she has been in contact with OM
3) if she says no, then I am going to ask to see her phone (if yes, conversation ends - it was one of our rules that if it happened, Im out!)
4) if it looks clear I am going to tell her that I am going to move back in for my happiness
5) I am going to tell her that I have been too giving in our relationship whereas I haven't stood up for myself. I have always done what she wanted to try to make her happy. it is time that I make myself happy - start standing up for myself - and do what is right for me. She can continue figuring herself out, but I am going to be there too. (I plan on doing a "180" on most of the things I used to do for her to keep her happy and "not rock the boat")
6) hope for the best!

Any thoughts/ suggestions/ clarifications needed??? I plan on talking to her tomorrow, so any suggestions will be greatly appreciated!!!
THANKS!
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Old 02-02-2012, 07:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

You had me shaking my head like most men who come in here trying to help their cheating wives "find themselves" until I got to your numbered list of actions you intend to take near the end.

Then I realized you at least have an idea of what`s really going on.

However your plan doesn`t account for the cheaters first fallback.
The Lie.

What makes you think she`ll tell you she`s seen the OM if you ask?
What makes you think she doesn`t delete each and every contact she has with him before you can even ask for her phone?

My recommendation to you is to stop trusting the woman who just proved beyond a shadow of a doubt she can`t be trusted.

Don`t ask for her phone, check her phone records.
Don`t ask for her e-mail password, install a keylogger.

Before I left that house it would have had hidden voice activated recorder all over the place.

Stop trusting until you verify.

Edit:

Clarification please.
How long was she involved in this EA?
Who is the OM?
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Old 02-02-2012, 07:36 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

Quote:
3 Weeks ago, she admitted to an EA with "1 make out" session when she was drunk.
That makes it a Physical Affair, not an Emotional one.
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Old 02-02-2012, 07:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

You should probably read a book on codependency. You're fortunate that you don't have kids. Leaving will be far easier, if that's the direction you go.

Checking her phone will only show you what was said, if she didn't delete the messages. Phone records will tell you if there's actually been any phone contact.

I, too, didn't "rock the boat" and am paying for it now. You have to be prepared to end it.
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Old 02-02-2012, 07:47 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

I agree with tacoma. During dinner try to keep things neutral between the two of you, Ask how she has been (and similar questions like that). When you move back in, Install key loggers onto your computer(s) and check out the phone bills as well (to make sure she isnt contacting the OM).

Its good that you are gonna leave if she did contact the OM. It shows that you respect yourself and that you wont tolerate her cheating any more.
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Old 02-02-2012, 08:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

so... taking all of your advice, i just checked the phone records....


has called him 9 times in the last 2 weeks... for a total of 139 minutes... and 3 texts

now my mind just jumped to work..
he works at the same company - and we have instant messanger - I can't control that. I now have no doubt in my mind that she has been contacting him!!!!!

When we talked about me moving out, i said "you cannot have any contact with him at all... if I am leaving so that you can work on you, you have to work on you and you cannot talk to/see him"..... looks like she broke that rule.
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Old 02-02-2012, 08:45 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

Married 4 years and no kids, and it looks like she is Hell bent on having an EA and continues to lie to you. A PA will follow quickly as she continues to "find herself" (this is code for she wonders what sex with the OM would be like).

With only 4 years in, you can both walk away with a 50/50 split of assets and debts. Divorce now and count yourself lucky that you found out what type of person she really is before you had too much time and efforts involved.

Edit: BTW she cheated and lied - she moves out - not you.
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Old 02-02-2012, 08:50 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

You need to have a 'nice' chat with the OM! Maybe even your company's HR dept. Nicely tell him to back off, speak softly - big stick sort of thing.
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Old 02-02-2012, 08:52 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

is there a like to a sticky or another thread that I can goto to drop the bomb? i would search, but im on mobile and 3g is just way to slow!!!!
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Old 02-02-2012, 08:56 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

She actively pursued him while your back was turned. She took full advantage of your absence. Her saying that she wants to find herself means she wants to pursue him-and wants you out of the way of her happiness.

Face it bud-you're her back up plan.
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Old 02-02-2012, 09:02 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

I wouldn't be surprised if she had him at your home. Your wife looks like the selfish cheater type. Be prepared for more broken promises and more new age enlightenment crap
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Old 02-02-2012, 09:02 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

Quote:
Originally Posted by F-102 View Post
She actively pursued him while your back was turned. She took full advantage of your absence. Her saying that she wants to find herself means she wants to pursue him-and wants you out of the way of her happiness.

Face it bud-you're her back up plan.
got it- thats why i need to know the next step- i see her tomorrow so i need to prepare quickly
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Old 02-02-2012, 09:15 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

I need to find myself means I'm interested in another man. I need to be by myself means I don't want you around spying on me when I am going out with the other man.

You should drive by your house and see who is there. If she is not there you should drive by his house and see who is there.

GPS her phone/car, keylog computer, VAR in her car and house where she might use phones. Get texts if at all possible.

Really sorry you are here.
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Old 02-02-2012, 09:17 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

By the way, why was she out drunk without her husband? Have you ever heard of girls night out working out any other way?
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Old 02-02-2012, 09:19 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she "lost herself"

I think she set the OP up to leave the house by leaving the house for "one" day. When she was back, OP felt that it was his responsibility to move out this time. Classical set up. I'm guessing that the OM is married and now their house is a safe haven to meet up
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