New here and ready to separate.

Kay07 · 02-03-2012, 02:56 PM

Hi everyone,

I've lurked here on and off for the last two months and thought I'd finally get my feet wet..so to speak.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years (married for almost 2) and we're on the brink of separation/divorce. In 2003 he confessed to me that he had cheated on me after a friend convinced him that it would be better for him to come clean. I was really young at the time (early 20's) and thought I loved him, so I forgave him. Looking back I don't know why I stayed. He apologized for his actions - but he never wanted to talk about it ever again. And any hint of me being upset he'd get equally upset and blame me for what happened. And for a long time I believed I was at fault too (although his reasoning was that I didn't "look" the same anymore because I gained between 5-10lbs).

Fast forward to now - in the last few years I've known that he's had flirtations with other women and emotional affairs. I can't believe I have had my head stuck in a sand for so long. I knew it was all happening and would just..let it go. There have been times where we've broken up or almost broken up about these EA's...but..somehow I always forgave him and he always told me he was sorry and he would change.

He never changed.

I feel like such a complete idiot for putting up with his behavior for so long. There have been so many times that I should have kicked him to the curb but didn't because I thought I loved him and he loved me.

Last night things really became heated I really finally realized that he will never see his actions as cheating (aside from his first confession) and he will never take ownership of his actions. I can either accept this and stay in a relationship with him and his deceitful ways - or move on with my life.

The funny thing is, tomorrow is our first meeting with a relationship therapist/psychologist. I don't want to go with him and I just want to talk to the psychologist alone.

OH and another fabulous thing is we never had a honeymoon, and last week I just paid for our airfare and accommodation to Hawaii. But...I'm ok going by myself.

I just don't really know what to do now. I've seen my brother go through a separation and divorce..but..I really don't know what to do. We own a home together, we have joint finances, we have a dog together....

And part of me still wants to stay...is that crazy?

ing · 02-03-2012, 04:01 PM

i know that feeling. Seeing a psychologist on your own is probably a very good thing. I know that for me that has been very useful. Going to MC is also a good idea. He/She will probably recommend IC for both of you.
You know that you allowed rug sweeping and the pain just continued to eat at you because he showed no remorse and no change. There were no consequences.
Aside from this perhaps your love has just been abused for so long that you want to move on for your chance at happiness. I know that I am at this point. If there were not kids involved in my marriage I would just go. Take the dog.

Kay07 · 02-03-2012, 06:19 PM

Thanks for your response ing. It made me both cry and smile (smiled about taking the dog - the dog is OBVIOUSLY going to live with me if we separate).

I just don't know what to do anymore. For a long time I just thought it was me and allowed him to sweep it under the rug. I think I also wanted to believe that it wasn't as serious as it was either.

From the outside looking in we have a great life together..but it just feels like I've been drowning in quick sand and I'm only now starting to see the light.

I feel angry, defeated, hurt, strong, powerful, powerless all at the same time.

Initfortheduration · 02-03-2012, 06:23 PM

Take your divorced brother to Hawaii. I couldn't think of a more understanding person then someone who has gone through it. Go together and have a great time. Let your STBXH stay home and take care of the dog.

ing · 02-04-2012, 01:25 AM

Apple has a very good use for Husbands toothbrush that involves your lovely pooch having very clean teeth..

EleGirl · 02-04-2012, 02:26 AM

Seems that nothing in particular has happened recently to make you finally give up... just a long history of his mistreatment of your love for him.. is that right?

I think that it will be good to go to joint MC with him. You will get a chance to tell him what is bothering you. I would think that the counselor will validate to your husband that his flirtations/EA's are hurtful and wrong. For some reason he seems to not know this.