I don't know how to manage these triggers...I'm going crazy...

BrknHearted · 02-04-2012, 12:02 PM

my stepsons set it off...talking about WS's "previous" girlfriends..they don't know that dad never stopped seeing her while dating and marrying me...they just talked about her and the fact that she gave them their cats and that they visited her mom...

i didn't know they knew dad "dated" the OW...she was freaking married at the time and still is...the fact that they considered her their dad's girlfriend has me shaking...literally...i'm so upset and I don't know why. i know they did things with the kids - even though it was inappropriate - but to hear MY kids casually mentioning her name when they have no idea that i just found out a month ago dad's been seeing her all through our relationship....

i feel like i'm about to shatter...and i don't know what to do...

morituri · 02-04-2012, 12:19 PM

How old are your step-sons? Do you have a good relationship with them? If they are teenagers or older and you have a good relationship with them, you should seriously consider having both you and your husband break the news to them about their father's affair so they can be aware why it is important not to bring up the name of the OW in your presence.

BrknHearted · 02-04-2012, 12:55 PM

they are 9 and 11...they have no idea what is going on. WS said to just tell them not to talk about it...and I said "sure...and while I'm at it I will tell them why mentioning her name sends me into a tailspin."

my son is 11 and he knows the basics - that stepdad cheated on me - but he doesn't know who with or how long, etc. he's just smart enough to know that the "tension" came from that source and asked me flat out...but I still can't even imagine telling any of them the details enough to avoid them setting off triggers.

Thor · 02-04-2012, 05:27 PM

I don't see any reason to make it a specific thing about this woman when you talk to the boys. Just tell them that when adults are in a serious relationship or are married, they don't like to hear about previous girlfriends or boyfriends. You can make it a general life lesson for them rather than about your specific situation.

Affaircare · 02-05-2012, 02:19 AM

Speaking as someone who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress (for reasons other than infidelity) I can say that the triggers a loyal spouse experiences are VERY similar to the PTSD triggers...it sends you RIGHT BACK THERE as if you are experiencing it all again. In a way, I think your body remembers the shock so vividly that your body just re-feels it. But anyway I have two suggestions.

#1--The way that I deal with or "return to the current world rather than being back there in the past" when dealing with a trigger is to find several things in the here and now that have to do with the senses: sight, smell, sound, taste, touch. LOOK at the colors of a painting in the room your in. SMELL the perfume you're wearing right now. HEAR the song that's on the stereo...or turn one on...or sing...or listen to your spouse talk...or hear a bird sing...or hear a child laugh. TASTE a sip of coffee, a juicy fruit, or something with a texture you enjoy. TOUCH your spouse...hug or kiss. Be extremely involved in NOW...right NOW...and that will help stop the trigger and bring you back to here. For me, I will even tell my Dear Hubby I'm triggering and need to sort of bring myself back here. Involving your senses in the here and now will help shorten and minimize the impact of the trigger's effect, so that it's more like a memory and less like re-experiencing it.

#2--your stepsons are not of an age to fully understand why the fact that they mentioned past "girlfriends" would have such an effect on you, and probably/possibly not of an age to have it explained to them fully. However, it is very reasonable to make a request of children like "Hey could you do me a favor? I'm a little touchy about daddy's past girlfriends because it hurts my feelings. Could we not talk about that for a while?" It's also completely reasonable to explain to children very simple concepts like "You know, moms and dads don't usually have girlfriends and boyfriends--usually they make a promise to just love each other. But you know what else? Even us grownups aren't perfect sometimes! LOL No duh, huh? Well we're doing a better job now."

BrknHearted · 02-05-2012, 05:49 AM

thank you. I will definitely have the talk about past girlfriends and not mentioning those things.

as far as triggers go, I'll try that. it's so freaking hard and sends me right back to the point where i think "why do i want to try to fix this?"...do I want to fix this? i know there will be good and bad days, but triggers just make the bad day worse.

Affaircare · 02-06-2012, 03:13 AM

Okay there was one other thing I did to myself that frankly was brutal, but it did work. I'm not sure this is for everyone though...

One of my triggers was actually a song: "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers. Every time I would hear that song, what little bit I had managed to rebuild would come crumbling down, and I fell apart. Soooo... for a little while (and I mean a few months maybe) I did purposely avoid that particular song. If it came on, I would get up and turn it off...go do some other "busy work"...then go turn the music back on after about 15 minutes. After a couple months, when I could breathe again, I could eat again, I could sleep a few hours each night... I decided it was time to face that song.

So I bought the song on a CD. I set aside a night where I knew I would be by myself all night (kids at gramma's, etc.). I took phones off the hook, and I played the song. OVER AND OVER AND OVER. I must have played it about 50 times. The first 10 times, I wailed the cry from the soul wail. The next 10 times, I cried--the next ten I was exceedingly sad and my chest hurt. The next 10, I got through it a few times, cried a little, got through it a few times. The final ten times I began to hear music again.

It was brutal because it hurt like h3ll, but I personally believe that the best way to heal is to face the things that really scare you and hurt you HEAD ON, and the reclaim it. There may be some of your triggers that you can say: "Well it's been a year and I'm just not willing to be a crazy woman every time we <insert trigger here> because he did it with *her*!! I'm gonna take it back, and I'm gonna make that MINE." Then turn, and look at your trigger FACE TO FACE and experience the hurt and don't flinch until you start to hear the music again.

ing · 02-06-2012, 05:56 AM

Triggers can be stopped by exposing yourself to the thing that brings them on in a safe environment. Don't try to avoid it. Be brutal.

i have PTSD from infidelity and some deeper rooted trauma. Go see a Psychologist. They will be able to help you. Really, it is a real and serious and you should probably get some help.

Gabriel · 02-06-2012, 06:22 AM

I found it a helpful exercise to create a document and type out all the triggers I could conceivably think of. I was brutally honest, very specific about the trigger itself and the emotions it created. I filled 3-4 single-spaced pages. My intention as I was writing it, was to give the document to my wife as a guide to help her avoid them. In the end I didn't need to - the exercise was good enough.

It felt really good to let them out on paper, slam the keyboard, spit venom on paper. I've even gone back and read through them a couple of times. It was therapeutic for me. Good luck!