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post #16 of 85 (permalink) Old 02-04-2012, 08:09 PM
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Re: open marriage failure

You had to drag it out of her over 4 days.That really sounds like she thought you agreed.Wow,she's really got some jam!

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post #17 of 85 (permalink) Old 02-04-2012, 08:09 PM
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Re: open marriage failure

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Originally Posted by legodog View Post
My wife has talked for ages about having an open marriage. This went on for years in fantasy, but one day, I returned from a trip and knew something was up.

It took me four days to finally drag it out of her, but she'd slept with my "best friend" while I was away. In fact, that night she finally told me, they were headed to a hotel for the evening (we normally go out that night with a group that includes him, but that night I couldn't go).

After a couple weeks, I told her I couldn't take it. He'd gone out of his way to rub my nose in their relationship, and it was proving to be a lot more hurtful than I expected.

Over the next couple months, I found that she was seeing him without telling me about it. They'd go out to lunch or coffee, and only other triggers would make me realize what had happened. When I confronted him about it, he said that nothing was up, and I told him to stop sneaking around behind my back trying to have a secret relationship with my wife.

She said nothing was going on as well, "it's just lunch".

We went through another cycle of this, with me meeting him for lunch one day a week, and them having a secret meeting another day. In fact, on one of those days I said I was open for lunch, but he said he "had other plans", which turned out, of course, to be lunch with my wife.

I suddenly realized that not only was it a secret, but I wasn't wanted there. I immediately cut off all contact with him, and told her I wanted her to do so as well. She basically said "no".

Now we're some 14 months later, with me discovering over and over things like:

- secret lunch and coffee meetings
- him calling the house when I wasn't there (he's never called when I was), including only situations when the only way he could know I wasn't there was from her
- gifts being given back and forth

Last week we had another fight about it, and in anger, she removed him as a friend on fb (which is where they normally chat), and telling him to stop calling. Meanwhile, she still hasn't told me about the times they've been meeting while I'm away at work that I know have happened.

Now there are a million little details I could add here, and our relationship has other issues that have led to trust issues from her side as well. I'm not deluded in any way that I'm anywhere close to perfect.

I so much want her to really end this, but feel like she doesn't want to, doesn't understand why this hurts me (she insists it's simply that I don't trust her to not have sex with him, and that I think she's a ****). I don't think they're having sex, but it's the fact that she knows this hurts me, and how he's treated me that makes me want him simply out of our lives entirely.

Meanwhile, we have three kids at home, and neither of us can afford to move out. I love her dearly, and want to fix this.

Advice appreciated, and details added if needed.
Luke
Oh boy...Another BETA male

Why are you even debating this?? best buddy rubbing it in??
Your wife keeps banging him..Let him have her..Seriously..
The lack of respect from your wife is mind boggling..

Sorry man..

Bringing you bad Swenglish to TAM since 2011
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post #18 of 85 (permalink) Old 02-04-2012, 08:11 PM
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Re: open marriage failure

Normally when a spouse pushes for an open marriage, it is because he/she is already having an affair and an open marriage would 'legitimize' it. And since she's been pushing for an open marriage for years, it is quite possible that she's been having affairs for that amount of time.

You may love her dearly but it is quite clear the she doesn't love you.

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #19 of 85 (permalink) Old 02-04-2012, 08:14 PM
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Re: open marriage failure

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I guess I'm afraid that going scorched earth on her will only further damage our relationship. She has depression issues, and I think this will also cause her to have more serious problems.
She already has more serious problems. She is breaking up two families with cheating and dishonesty. Have you checked phone/text records yet?
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post #20 of 85 (permalink) Old 02-04-2012, 08:15 PM
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Re: open marriage failure

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Originally Posted by TBT View Post
You had to drag it out of her over 4 days.That really sounds like she thought you agreed.Wow,she's really got some jam!
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post #21 of 85 (permalink) Old 02-04-2012, 08:15 PM
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Re: open marriage failure

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Originally Posted by legodog View Post
I guess I'm afraid that going scorched earth on her will only further damage our relationship. She has depression issues, and I think this will also cause her to have more serious problems.
Doing anything but scorched earth is going to lead to more problems. She will continue this game and playing you. There is not a lot of choice here really.

What you have been doing is not working very well is it?
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post #22 of 85 (permalink) Old 02-04-2012, 08:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: open marriage failure

I guess I'm hesitant to talk about tracking, keyloggers, cell phone records, as that borders on illegal. And what is a VAR?

How do you even bring up these subjects with a spouse you don't even know, or randomly call up her mom and tell her about it?

We're in marriage counseling, but all we've talked about are her issues with me. I tried bringing it up once, but it was brushed aside when my wife stated to the therapist that she'd "basically broken off all contact with him". In reality, all she's done is stop initiating contact, but if he calls, chats, asks her out, she's happy to go along.
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post #23 of 85 (permalink) Old 02-04-2012, 08:24 PM
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Re: open marriage failure

She has no respect for you. All this detective nonsense with vars, keylogs, cell phone records, it's all ridiculous. And you say she still goes out with him if he invites her? come on man.
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post #24 of 85 (permalink) Old 02-04-2012, 08:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: open marriage failure

And as to why I'm going all beta here, is I've been no prince to her. There's another whole side to this where I've been alpha dog on her for a long time regarding finances, and that's finally come to a head. I'm fully working on rectifying those issues, but keep getting stuck back with this issue in my head 90% of the time.

It's like she wants me to fix my issues, but she's unwilling to address the issues I have with her.

Oh, the novel I could write about all this...
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post #25 of 85 (permalink) Old 02-04-2012, 08:27 PM
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Re: open marriage failure

Quote:
Originally Posted by legodog
my wife stated to the therapist that she'd "basically broken off all contact with him"
The next marriage counseling session, be the first one to speak by asking her what does she mean "basically broken off all contact with him" if she accepts his calls and requests to go out with him?


'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #26 of 85 (permalink) Old 02-04-2012, 08:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: open marriage failure

And I guess the reason I want to learn more about the spying is that I have no other way to know if she's telling me the truth. When I confronted her about the phone calls when I'm not home, she' talked about that, but didn't mention the times they'd been out together in the past two weeks. That, I guess, is a secret.
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post #27 of 85 (permalink) Old 02-04-2012, 08:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: open marriage failure

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The next marriage counseling session, be the first one to speak by asking her what does she mean "basically broken off all contact with him" if she accepts his calls and requests to go out with him?
Yeah, the wiggle word "basically" really set off all my mental warnings. It meant to me that "the next thing you hear isn't entirely true".

It's like she's trying to be honest, but within limits.
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post #28 of 85 (permalink) Old 02-04-2012, 08:30 PM
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Re: open marriage failure

Basically is a scam. She's not really trying, does she think the therapist is buying her crap?
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post #29 of 85 (permalink) Old 02-04-2012, 08:31 PM
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Re: open marriage failure

Let's say you get confirmation from the keylogger, and VARs that she is still continuing her affair with the OM, what are you going to do? Out him? You should have done this the first time you learned the two of them had sex. What I'm saying is that all the proof in the world won't amount to anything if you don't use it to break the affair or file for divorce.

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #30 of 85 (permalink) Old 02-04-2012, 08:35 PM
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Re: open marriage failure

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Originally Posted by legodog View Post
I guess I'm hesitant to talk about tracking, keyloggers, cell phone records, as that borders on illegal. And what is a VAR?

How do you even bring up these subjects with a spouse you don't even know, or randomly call up her mom and tell her about it?

We're in marriage counseling, but all we've talked about are her issues with me. I tried bringing it up once, but it was brushed aside when my wife stated to the therapist that she'd "basically broken off all contact with him". In reality, all she's done is stop initiating contact, but if he calls, chats, asks her out, she's happy to go along.
Why would it be illegal? Number one you don't tell her where you get your information. Let her think you hired a PI or something. You know he is after your family..... You think you deserve it because of financials. I don't think you know what alpha vs. beta is. Thats why the other man is kicking your ass.

Call his wife and tell her her husband is in an open relationship with your wife. Why on earth is this alright with you?
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