open marriage failure
My wife has talked for ages about having an open marriage. This went on for years in fantasy, but one day, I returned from a trip and knew something was up.
It took me four days to finally drag it out of her, but she'd slept with my "best friend" while I was away. In fact, that night she finally told me, they were headed to a hotel for the evening (we normally go out that night with a group that includes him, but that night I couldn't go).
After a couple weeks, I told her I couldn't take it. He'd gone out of his way to rub my nose in their relationship, and it was proving to be a lot more hurtful than I expected.
Over the next couple months, I found that she was seeing him without telling me about it. They'd go out to lunch or coffee, and only other triggers would make me realize what had happened. When I confronted him about it, he said that nothing was up, and I told him to stop sneaking around behind my back trying to have a secret relationship with my wife.
She said nothing was going on as well, "it's just lunch".
We went through another cycle of this, with me meeting him for lunch one day a week, and them having a secret meeting another day. In fact, on one of those days I said I was open for lunch, but he said he "had other plans", which turned out, of course, to be lunch with my wife.
I suddenly realized that not only was it a secret, but I wasn't wanted there. I immediately cut off all contact with him, and told her I wanted her to do so as well. She basically said "no".
Now we're some 14 months later, with me discovering over and over things like:
- secret lunch and coffee meetings
- him calling the house when I wasn't there (he's never called when I was), including only situations when the only way he could know I wasn't there was from her
- gifts being given back and forth
Last week we had another fight about it, and in anger, she removed him as a friend on fb (which is where they normally chat), and telling him to stop calling. Meanwhile, she still hasn't told me about the times they've been meeting while I'm away at work that I know have happened.
Now there are a million little details I could add here, and our relationship has other issues that have led to trust issues from her side as well. I'm not deluded in any way that I'm anywhere close to perfect.
I so much want her to really end this, but feel like she doesn't want to, doesn't understand why this hurts me (she insists it's simply that I don't trust her to not have sex with him, and that I think she's a ****). I don't think they're having sex, but it's the fact that she knows this hurts me, and how he's treated me that makes me want him simply out of our lives entirely.
Meanwhile, we have three kids at home, and neither of us can afford to move out. I love her dearly, and want to fix this.
Advice appreciated, and details added if needed.