What to do if husband still has feelings for the OW?
I posted this in my other thread, but I found out last night that the cheating that I thought was only physical was actually an emotional affair too. Husband wasn't going to ever tell me about the feelings he had/has for OW, in the hopes they would go away.
Although he has ended the affair, how can I go on and try to reconcile if he's not 100% in it. As long as he has any feelings for her, he'll never been 100% in it. I wanted to give up last night and he begged me not to just yet. But why should I wait around while he figures out his feelings for her? What if he realizes he would rather have her, all the while I've been waiting patiently trying to work through all this?
Re: What to do if husband still has feelings for the OW?
My wife struggles with this also. D Day was only the last couple of weeks right? Based on my experience and my EA he doesn't know what he feels right now. His emotions are a great big jumbled pile right now. He's likely in "the fog" and it will take a little time for him to sort it all out - I know it's painful - but it's pretty normal.
If he's doing the right things - if he's genuinely remorseful, taking ownership, being accountable and doing what you need then I'd give him some time to sort his emotions out. An emotional connection is hard to break, the fact that the relationship was illicit doesn't make it any easier sorry to say.
Listen to his actions, not his words. Cheaters lie, his actions will tell you more about where he really is. Having said that, concealing details about the affair and continuing to keep secrets from you are the wrong things for him to be doing. That would concern me more than the revelation that he has/had feelings for the OW.
Re: What to do if husband still has feelings for the OW?
How do we, as the betrayed, handle "the fog?" I thought reconciliation was supposed to be all about us? OUR needs, OUR time table, OUR choices. Waiting for him to emerge(or not) doesn't seem to jive with those plans.
Re: What to do if husband still has feelings for the OW?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans
I disagree. He knows exactly what he feels and should communicate that to his wife.
Well - in reality I did, so I guess you're right. I can just understand how in the days immediately after D day as the fog is really screwing up your mind it can be hard to see through it all and make a concrete decision. Don't get me wrong - this (being stuck in indecision and "not knowing what you want") and trickle truth are the two things that cheaters do that I think are the cruelest - I railed on HerToo about the former repeatedly.
Re: What to do if husband still has feelings for the OW?
Quote:
Originally Posted by aqua123
How do we, as the betrayed, handle "the fog?" I thought reconciliation was supposed to be all about us? OUR needs, OUR time table, OUR choices. Waiting for him to emerge(or not) doesn't seem to jive with those plans.
You're totally right. This is the crappy double duty that betrayed spouses who want to reconcile have to put up with. They have to smack their cheating spouse hard enough to break them out of it and then wait for the withdrawal to work it's way or not.
This is part of the reason many betrayed spouses call it quits regardless of how remorseful their spouse is. I didn't say it was right, I just said it wasn't abnormal. On top of it, you will have that nagging question for some time. I'm 18 months post D Day and my wife still has that question periodically.
Re: What to do if husband still has feelings for the OW?
Quote:
Originally Posted by sigma1299
Listen to his actions, not his words. Cheaters lie, his actions will tell you more about where he really is. Having said that, concealing details about the affair and continuing to keep secrets from you are the wrong things for him to be doing. That would concern me more than the revelation that he has/had feelings for the OW.
Re: What to do if husband still has feelings for the OW?
I think my guy experiences triggers as well. Around this time last year, my guy called his EA and asked what she was doing for the SuperBowl. Here in London it comes on at 11:30pm and many pubs open up for the occasion. I had already told my guy that I wasn't interested in going and was trying to think of friends he could call to see what they were doing.
He of course didn't tell me that he was going to call his former (let's hope) EA. Since later on in the year he and I did get to a point where he wanted to show me his texts, I could see that she immediately told him that I wasn't welcomed. I asked him why and she said that because the table they had be big enough for one more but two more. She also told my guy that he bf would be there and he turned down the offer. I told him that it appears that you didn't go because her bf would be there.
Well, fast forward a year, and this whole weekend while I am convalescing from major surgery, he got snippy with me a on a couple of occasions.....to the point where I finally asked, were you hoping to go to a pub to watch the SuperBowl. I don't know if it's good that I avoided saying her name or not.
The next trigger that I imagine that will come up will St. Patrick's Day since she has before invited him to that binge drinking activity.
Re: What to do if husband still has feelings for the OW?
You are both F-d up right now and probably will be for
some time. If you both want R then I think you both need to recognize that. You can't change the way a person feels instantly. If you both agree you still want to be married at this point then you have a start. He is going to fight feelings for the OW and there is going to be days when you resent him and want to give up. We are 3 months out from d-day and are just stArting to work on building the marriage again. We both have had a lot of good and bad days but we try and go to each other for support. At this stage if he is following NC then I think you just need to be patient if you truely want R. If he can make it through this f-d up stage and stay away from the OW then your marriage has a chance. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: What to do if husband still has feelings for the OW?
My wife fought feelings for the OM after dday. She screwed up once a
few weeks in and sent a text to him because she heard through a colleague some bad thing he was saying about her to other people in her industry. She panicked after she sent it and called me before he could respond. I told her if she wanted to come home she had to send him a text telling him that she made a mistake and to not respond. He never did. It was after this that we wrote the NC letter. If she breaches it again, no matter how small, our marriage is over. She knows this and more importantly I believe I would do it.
I tell you this because it is 3 months after dday and the OM that my wife was going to destroy our family for she now depises. She hates him for what he was a part of. What she became because of him makes her sick. She says she dosent ever think about feelings for him. She does however admit that she misses how she felt during the affair. The excitement, the newness, etc. I think we all miss this when we are in long term relationships. Your husband might not miss the woman but he is definitely missing that feeling. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: What to do if husband still has feelings for the OW?
dingerdad, I cannot tell you how much hearing your story is appreciated. To know that others who have strayed have fought the feelings and come out on the other side seeing the light makes me hopeful.
If you don't mind, may I ask how you dealt with knowing she still had feelings for him? Didn't it make you wonder if she was only trying to reconcile out of guilt instead of truly wanting to be with you, and only you, 100%?
Re: What to do if husband still has feelings for the OW?
Sometimes the "fog" isn't a fog at all. And that's what your H is going through, trying to figure it out right now. It's going to be a roller coaster ride of emotion for both of you for the next however many months you decide to work on reconciling.
In his shoes - it's really hard to tell your H or W that you are in love with someone else
He may also be battling why he started getting feeling for the OW. He knew what he was doing was wrong. Just couldn't control it.
In time, no contact will answer the question if it is just a "fog".
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What to do if husband still has feelings for the OW? 
