One of the basic tenants here on TAM is that the betrayed spouse should never leave. Why should they? Staying in your home is a symbol of control. A physical embodiment of I'm right, your wrong, so you leave. Of course sometimes the wayward spouse puts up a fight and it ends up where you are - kind of like occupied France. Sure you're home but there's unwanted residents there to.
You can leave but again, why should you? Build a wall around him. Sleep where you want, live in your home. Ignore him. Easier said than done I know but it can be done.
Then I would have balls as big as him!
So hard to do, living in occupied France or Ye Olde Mexican Standoff. Such a mind F**k--power trip extraordinaire . .
Did your SO stand up to you as you advise? I wish I had all your confidence in a little vial to use as needed.
Yeah, he's got a lot of nerve-----last night walked out at 930, stayed out all night---came home at 3 am and we had it out, bigtime.
It was awful, he was just drunk laughing at me saying crappy, mean things. Blamed everything on me not giving him enough.
I told him I want a divorce---he just laughed and said "go ahead".
I told him to leave---he said "I'd like to see you make me" just laughed and I pushed him, screamed at him, slapped him and told him to stop laughing and to leave.
He was drunk, laughing saying "make me " over and over.
It was terrible, we went to bed in separate rooms again and he is not talking, refuses to leave, etc. Its bad, bad, bad.
Everything in this house is mine. I am not working, and cannot move out right now. He has a great job and only a few things that belong to him---He could easily call someone and get moved with one trip in a car. I would have to sell everything or put it in storage in order to leave.
Please advise.
First let me say I'm so sorry that you're living with an unremorseful cheater that refuses to own his sh!t. Yes, you can try and bluff him into leaving, but he called you on it. So no, you cannot make him leave. Also do not resort to domestic violence just because you're a woman. If the situation were reversed, we would be burning him at the stake for the domestic violence. Domestic violence isn't right, no matter if you're a man or a woman.
What you need to do is lawyer up and see what your legal options are. You will have to advise your lawyer that you pushed and slapped him, because your WH may use that against you in court.
You also need to start the 180 so you can help yourself detach from him so that you will gain the emotional strength to either proceed to R or D. Get yourself into IC if you can and see a doctor for meds if you feel you need them to help stabilize your emotions.
First let me say I'm so sorry that you're living with an unremorseful cheater that refuses to own his sh!t. Yes, you can try and bluff him into leaving, but he called you on it. So no, you cannot make him leave. Also do not resort to domestic violence just because you're a woman. If the situation were reversed, we would be burning him at the stake for the domestic violence. Domestic violence isn't right, no matter if you're a man or a woman.
What you need to do is lawyer up and see what your legal options are. You will have to advise your lawyer that you pushed and slapped him, because your WH may use that against you in court.
You also need to start the 180 so you can help yourself detach from him so that you will gain the emotional strength to either proceed to R or D. Get yourself into IC if you can and see a doctor for meds if you feel you need them to help stabilize your emotions.
Thanks, LM. Your words humble me.
I agree--I am upset that I lost control, but I only tried because he was so drunk he could barely stand. I shouldn't have done it, I know I was wrong. By the way--I'm 5'2--he's 6'3--he could kill me with one hand behind his back if he chose to.
He just laughed at me the whole time anyway, at my desperate, futile attempt to fight.
All is quiet in the house now. Back to the silence and the dark.
So hard to do, living in occupied France or Ye Olde Mexican Standoff. Such a mind F**k--power trip extraordinaire . .
Did your SO stand up to you as you advise? I wish I had all your confidence in a little vial to use as needed.
I was overwhelmingly remorseful for what I had done. Accordingly my wife didn't have to stand up to me. I knew I was wrong and acted as such. Having said that though she did not take the pound of flesh from me she could have.
As far as confidence. It's easy for me to sit here on the other side of the Internet and give my opinion. It requires absolutely no confidence whatsoever. Confidence is staying there and standing up for yourself in the face of someone you love who you thought loved you but instead is treating you with contempt. All we can do is provide an objective opinion and maybe some motivation and encouragement to give you a lift when it gets overwhelming.
I agree with the advice Lordmayhem gave you. Hang in there, the sun will rise each morning, get started taking action to resolve the situation.
I was overwhelmingly remorseful for what I had done. Accordingly my wife didn't have to stand up to me. I knew I was wrong and acted as such. Having said that though she did not take the pound of flesh from me she could have.
As far as confidence. It's easy for me to sit here on the other side of the Internet and give my opinion. It requires absolutely no confidence whatsoever. Confidence is staying there and standing up for yourself in the face of someone you love who you thought loved you but instead is treating you with contempt. All we can do is provide an objective opinion and maybe some motivation and encouragement to give you a lift when it gets overwhelming.
I agree with the advice Lordmayhem gave you. Hang in there, the sun will rise each morning, get started taking action to resolve the situation.
Yeah, it is overwhelming. And exhausting.
We have not spoken since the blowout friday night
Now its sunday and i got back from a walk around 5pm, he was sitting in the front room---smoking----silent...
I change, get a drink have a smoke myself and then get up the courage to speak---knowing he will most likely will not respond--and also knowing there is no way i can "make" him leave---even though everyone says BETRAYED SPOUSE NEVER LEAVES---I can't stand it anymore, I am done with the pain
"It will take me a while to get all of this moved"---I say quietly--"I'm sorry for lashing out at you, I was wrong, I love you and know we are both miserable like this, you don't have to talk if you don't want to, it's ok---i cant make you leave if you dont want to---but I cant just leave easily, I need to sell some stuff, I'll try to get it done as soon as possible."
No response
I go into the library and close the door, just like so many countless nights of silence before this---and just lay down
An hour later he is knocking----he does not want a divorce, we can work this out, there is nothing we cannot overcome, etc. etc.----then this:
Why is it so hard?! There is no movement, there is no relief...
The betrayed spouse never leaves------sounds good in theory.
But what do you do when your H's way to "deal" is withdrawal and silence? for days? I've got in his face, told him its unacceptable, laid out my terms, and still no movement--- except, "I'm sorry, I was wrong, are you hungry? do you want to eat?"
And I say, "NO!@#$%&*#^@&!!!" I don't care what you want for dinner, I'm not cooking! Just get something.......for yourself...."
I'm living with my WH - it's hard but it's possible. It's me that is uncommunicative (not nearly as much as your WH - mostly I'm just polite.) I want to get angry, to scream and throw things, but I don't, for our kids. He's still pretending that he hasn't done anything wrong.
I hack his emails and when he writes to OW he calls me "Frosty the Snow B****." WTF does he want??
But a friend who went through a similar thing had a fight with her wH and when pushing him (and he's also much bigger than she is) he tripped and fell. And then he called the police and she was taken from her own house in handcuffs.
DO NOT GET ANGRY AND PUSH HIM OR HIT HIM!!
Just hang in there and see a lawyer a.s.a.p. Be strong!! You can do it!
I dont have any constructive advice for you, just want to empathise. this waiting is the worst. you feel like you're in limbo just waiting for what i dont know- for him to make the first move, for an apology that shows true remorse, for some answers- why?, what was missing in a marriage that you thought was great? how could you? didnt you think of me when you were doing this? etc.
Well, this is how I'm feeling anyway. And you literally want to shake him awake- for him to say something, anything so that you at least have a rational explanation as to why you world is in pieces right now.
i didnt follow the rule, i left. i had to for my sanity. being surrounded by family helps. i guess the question we need to ask ourselves, is how long are we prepared to live in limbo? bleh, easier said than done...
I dont have any constructive advice for you, just want to empathise. this waiting is the worst. you feel like you're in limbo just waiting for what i dont know- for him to make the first move, for an apology that shows true remorse, for some answers- why?, what was missing in a marriage that you thought was great? how could you? didnt you think of me when you were doing this? etc.
Well, this is how I'm feeling anyway. And you literally want to shake him awake- for him to say something, anything so that you at least have a rational explanation as to why you world is in pieces right now.
i didnt follow the rule, i left. i had to for my sanity. being surrounded by family helps. i guess the question we need to ask ourselves, is how long are we prepared to live in limbo? bleh, easier said than done...
Every breakup we have ever had I have always left, then he makes some grand gesture (first it was a new place in the neighborhood I grew up in, and the second time it was our wedding, which HE planned) and we get back together.
Now I am trying to say, its enough. I am not going to kill myself trying to move again. And he refuses to "give up" on our marriage.
What a bunch of pooh.
How long ago did you leave? Did it make any difference? What are things like now between you?
Every breakup we have ever had I have always left, then he makes some grand gesture (first it was a new place in the neighborhood I grew up in, and the second time it was our wedding, which HE planned) and we get back together.
Now I am trying to say, its enough. I am not going to kill myself trying to move again. And he refuses to "give up" on our marriage.
What a bunch of pooh.
How long ago did you leave? Did it make any difference? What are things like now between you?
I left about 2 weeks ago. The only difference it made is that I'm not such a bundle of nerves. I dont think it made much of a difference to him. He's only form of apology was via email & it was full of subtle undertines of blame shifting, "I only did it cos ..."
Now things between us have entered the cold war stage... no contact, no communication. The only conversation we've had abt this was by my initiation. Now I'm fed up. there's only so long you can wait for someone to come to their senses, to show tue remorse, to put your feelings first before their own selfish desires. If by Friday, I dont hear anything from him I'm meeting with a lawyer regarding D. sucks big time
I left about 2 weeks ago. The only difference it made is that I'm not such a bundle of nerves. I dont think it made much of a difference to him. He's only form of apology was via email & it was full of subtle undertines of blame shifting, "I only did it cos ..."
Now things between us have entered the cold war stage... no contact, no communication. The only conversation we've had abt this was by my initiation. Now I'm fed up. there's only so long you can wait for someone to come to their senses, to show tue remorse, to put your feelings first before their own selfish desires. If by Friday, I dont hear anything from him I'm meeting with a lawyer regarding D. sucks big time
Its really crazy-making isn't it?
I sit in the library of my house all night, every night. He is either silent or makes small talk. We didn't speak all weekend after a big blowout on friday night-- sunday right before bed, he wanted his ring back---said he didnt want our marriage to be over, blah, blah---now its weds, still no talking.
Maybe he thinks this is helping, but its not. I really don't want to leave my house, but I can't take the silence FOREVER.
I'm sure he only wanted the ring back so he would have it for work, so he wouldn't have to tell anyone we are separating. I'm sure it would look very bad for him if he said he was getting a D --after just taking a promotion recently.
I found an online form that will print a legal separation agreement, for both parties to sign and file with the court.
I really want to do this, but he has to agree to sign--and I don't think he will do it.
I sent him a text and asked if he is planning on contesting the paperwork---that i can have it done by the end of the week if he agrees.
oh, well at least he's clear on what he doesn't want. so then what the he!! does he want? Maybe he thinks that by giving you space, you'll calm down. I dont think they realise that it's a sure fire way to irritate the living daylights out of your spouse.
I feel like a crazy woman- I'm fine then I'm not, then the cycle starts again. Would you consider counselling- at least your H has made some attempt to fight for the marriage (even though it seems like a feeble attempt, its something). My H has dropped off the face of the earth. Maybe if you go into counselling together then the counsellor will be able to explain the importance of coming clean completely?
Well you didn't ask him what he wants, you asked him if he would sign. You got to that point because he wouldn't and still hasn't told you what he does want. Keep proceeding until he says yes or no, at least then you've got a concrete position from him and you can react accordingly.
Well you didn't ask him what he wants, you asked him if he would sign. You got to that point because he wouldn't and still hasn't told you what he does want. Keep proceeding until he says yes or no, at least then you've got a concrete position from him and you can react accordingly.
There is no concrete position with him.
He says he wants us to stay together, then we get into an argument and dont speak for 4 days.
When he does say something, it will be right as he is walking out the door in the morning, "Will you give me a hug goodbye?"
And I say, "I dont feel comfortable doing that, when you approach me when you only have 5 seconds, it is obvious you really dont want to connect with me at all"
He just smiles and then its off to work.
How do I feel when this is his only communication? (other than outright fighting or the silent treatment)
I feel like he's setting me up again. Like he's only doing it so he can check out some more and say (a week from now--or whenever I try to speak) "I tried to come to you in love, and you rejected me"
Its just a load of crap. I am really starting to think we are in a narcissist/codep. relationship.
So I am going to keep refusing to fall back and "reset". I am committed to holding my ground.
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Re: Cloak and Dagger 
