After reading some of these posts I am not sure if I can find out how far my husband has gone in his online excursions.
We have been married for almost 8 years, together on and off for almost 16. We broke up for a couple years after I discovered he was taking his porn and photoshopping the face of a woman we both knew onto the scenes. I was devastated. Moved out and didn't see him for years.
We married after we reconnected and were both more mature and I really did not regret giving the relationship another chance. He is a beautiful, brilliant and talented man.
Fast forward to last week, the pc in the main room crashed. I repaired it and found an online live sex site called chaturb*te!
This is beyond porn in my eyes, this is an online place to hookup for cybersex and then who knows?
I confronted him and said you can come clean or I can reverse-delete the last six months of the pc - he said it was a mistake, he shouldn't have gone there, etc. He didn't do anything, just watched and he's sorry. He loves me and wants to be with me. Blah, Blah.
I said this isn't porn. He said nothing. I said you are not honoring your vows. He said I didn't cheat on you and I am not going to rehash this.
WTF??!!
My daughter (whom he has raised since she was 6) came over to do taxes and said, the computer in the front room is unplugged and went into the library to use my pc, I helped her, we had dinner and she went home.
When we were alone, I asked why did he unplug the pc and he informed me that he had destroyed the hard drive. "Because of all the bad" WHAT?
I was stunned. Now I know for sure he is hiding something, and he has destroyed the evidence. We haven't spoken for a week.
I have tried and he stonewalls or repeats the Official Story.
It is so sad to watch this unfold, but I am lost and fear the end has finally really come. I have given up trying to talk and have gone dark.
This morning I got a msg that said I love you, but I am unmoved. I don't believe him
Just looking for some advice, or any response, actually, from another human. Yes I have gone dark. But my husband is in silent treatment mode, which means it could be weeks before he speaks. I know its pretty grim, but I am tired of staying in the library in silence. I posted here, instead of trying to talk to Stonewall Jackson...
haha thats funny! this is the first time I have smiled all day!
Afraid I don't have much to offer you. If it was all online based and he nuked the hard drive there's very little you can do except wait for him to repeat, but you sound tech savvy enough to know that.
I agree with you that he's not honoring his vows, but more importantly he should respect your belief that it violates the marriage between you, quit it, and help repair the damage.
Keep your eyes peeled, there maybe another sneaky move going on. To wipe out a hard drive without getting your data off first is pretty dramatic.
I wouldn't believe him either!
But your post gave me insight into what might have been my own H's attitude towards me, because I too broke up with him (didn't even have an intimate relationship, just dating) over 15 years ago, didn't see him for years, then got back together. It struck me that my H might have thought that since I came back to him after all these years I couldn't do any better and so he could pretty much do whatever he liked, and I wouldn't budge since no other options. How wrong was that? I filed for divorce.
I am not sure about your situation but thank you for some insight. I thought I had mulled over just about everything in our relationship but I had clearly missed this one. And I think it is significant, attitude and respect towards someone, based on a core belief: couldn't find anyone else better than him in 15 years worth keeping. CLEARLY I DIDN'T DATE AROUND ENOUGH. Yes, I lacked dating skills because I don't like to hurt people's feelings. I've got over that, if someone is dating and is an adult and mature, I do not have to be responsible for clear communication during dating if I don't think the relationship is worth pursuing or there are values that don't mesh up or lifestyles don't mesh up or whatever, it's okay to say to someone you are dating (and not committed to, in any way) that you feel that this relationship while pleasant, is not something you want to bring to any higher levels, but very nice meeting you kind of thing. (I don't date people I don't like for one reason or another...)
There were any number of times I thought to break it off and I did give him his engagement ring back several times but he always responded to my concerns (well, at least long enough before another one cropped up...) Phew. Tough insight. Makes me feel like cr*p, but he misunderstood me, I can find other men, I just didn't bother. I wanted to give it another go with him on the belief that before it might have been just me who was not ready for a commitment. :-o
Destroying the hard drive over nothing? Yeah, that's a dead give away right there. My STBXH spent nearly a $1000.00 at an art gallery. When I confronted him about that and other spending he was doing he told me that he didn't buy anything in an art gallery. Someone else must be using his credit card.......yeah someone else like his girlfriend. There were several purchases made at this art gallery that he has no knowledge of. I was then told he was going to have the bank investigate the charges. Funny thing is, I never heard what the outcome of the investigation. Yeah, there was no investigation, just his big fat lies!
With all that said, I don't believe innocent actions need to be deleted, hidden or lied about.
Afraid I don't have much to offer you. If it was all online based and he nuked the hard drive there's very little you can do except wait for him to repeat, but you sound tech savvy enough to know that.
I agree with you that he's not honoring his vows, but more importantly he should respect your belief that it violates the marriage between you, quit it, and help repair the damage.
Keep your eyes peeled, there maybe another sneaky move going on. To wipe out a hard drive without getting your data off first is pretty dramatic.
Good Luck.
I know, right? He has a website business also on that pc (which I coded for him, and he makes money with) and family photos, music, projects he's working on, etc. ALL WIPED OUT It makes no sense! I know he can go online at his office or on his phone, so WTF? and I already confronted him about the sites I thought crossed the line! So what else could there be, geeeez!
What do you want---you know he is inappropriate, he knows he is, even tho he is trying to stonewall you----you know by his actions, he is covering up
If you want R, or D---you must force some movement-----you can't just do nothing
Get in his face and tell him, what it is you want-----You don't trust him---do you wanna R---what does he intend to do about his cheating????
He will try sliding this under the rug, just as long as you let him
If you wanna R---and you must make this your ballgame, by your rules---you give him 3 conditions
1. He takes a poly---you can go to any police station, and get help on how to proceed
2. He signs a Post--Nup
3. You give him boundaries, with actionable (not verbal) consequences
If he doesn't like your rules---then tell him D., is about to be put on the table
Do not take any guff from him---If you weaken/backoff----he will know you are weak, and will do nothing---and he will keep on cheating.
Do you KNOW the hard drive was destroyed or did he just tell you that? Obviously you're both tech savvy so tech spying is going to be difficult. If he had a money making venture on that hard drive I'm hard pressed to believe he nuked it with out creating an image or back up of it somewhere, or just snatched it out of that box and stuck it in a drawer.
Regardless if he destroyed something that made him money, or wants you to believe that he did then he's hiding something that he really doesn't want you to see. He likely figuring that you're not going to drop it and force him into some kind of revelation to you so my personal bet is that he's out crafting something that is adequately bad to get you to accept it as the whole truth but that in reality is still not the whole enchilada.
Have you checked to see if that business site is down? If he nuked the hard drive it should be off line right?
You say you haven't spoken for a week and have gone dark. Has one of you moved out?
Do you KNOW the hard drive was destroyed or did he just tell you that? Obviously you're both tech savvy so tech spying is going to be difficult. If he had a money making venture on that hard drive I'm hard pressed to believe he nuked it with out creating an image or back up of it somewhere, or just snatched it out of that box and stuck it in a drawer.
Regardless if he destroyed something that made him money, or wants you to believe that he did then he's hiding something that he really doesn't want you to see. He likely figuring that you're not going to drop it and force him into some kind of revelation to you so my personal bet is that he's out crafting something that is adequately bad to get you to accept it as the whole truth but that in reality is still not the whole enchilada.
Have you checked to see if that business site is down? If he nuked the hard drive it should be off line right?
You say you haven't spoken for a week and have gone dark. Has one of you moved out?
He just told me that and I was shocked. The site is online, but he used to check emails/orders every night after work, and now just comes home and sits in the dark.
I either find something else to do or stay in the library where there is an extra bed. He makes no attempt to bring up the problem other than repeat the official story, if pressed. Its ridiculous! He is a legendary sulker.
The last time we talked, DAYS ago, he repeated the official story and said "If you want to throw away 8 years of marriage because of one mistake, that's up to you, I'm not going to rehash this"
I said "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!"
He didn't answer, and hasn't spoken since.
I said fine, don't speak, at least it means I won't have to hear anymore lies.
The problem is, HE KNOWS what is going on, and I just found out, so I don't have any idea what he did, for how long or ANYTHING other than our entire life is just some kind of wierd Mexican standoff, everything has just stopped.
Anyway, you're not at war, or "throwing away 8 years" to use his words, because of one mistake. You're at war because he won't tell you the truth.
What he really doesn't understand is that the longer he waits to tell you, if he ever decides to, the harder it will be for you to accept what he does tell you as the truth -even if it is. This is the whole so many cheaters dig themselves into.
You can't stay at a Mexican standoff forever, if you do, eventually you'll either fold or just slowly drift back and it will get rug swept.
Look up "the 180" here and read it, get a plan, and stick to your guns. Moving forward without the truth and full transparency should be unacceptable.
Anyway, you're not at war, or "throwing away 8 years" to use his words, because of one mistake. You're at war because he won't tell you the truth.
What he really doesn't understand is that the longer he waits to tell you, if he ever decides to, the harder it will be for you to accept what he does tell you as the truth -even if it is. This is the whole so many cheaters dig themselves into.
You can't stay at a Mexican standoff forever, if you do, eventually you'll either fold or just slowly drift back and it will get rug swept.
Look up "the 180" here and read it, get a plan, and stick to your guns. Moving forward without the truth and full transparency should be unacceptable.
Yeah, I know. I know you are right. Thanks for the support, I have gone dark, but the problem is, I really don't know what I want. Obviously, I wanted to be married. Now I feel like I am losing my marriage to something that I can't name or identify.
Thanks again for your responses, it has helped so much.
Nothing is gonna happen, without some sort of action on your part
If you decide to live with this, and stay married, then you have to suck all this crap up, and move on, but he wins, and knows he can do this again, cuz you will probably eventually fold
If you are thru with this---then threaten him with D.
You can't just do nothing---your mental health won't tolerate it, for very long.
Nothing is gonna happen, without some sort of action on your part
If you decide to live with this, and stay married, then you have to suck all this crap up, and move on, but he wins, and knows he can do this again, cuz you will probably eventually fold
If you are thru with this---then threaten him with D.
You can't just do nothing---your mental health won't tolerate it, for very long.
Thanks so much, I know you are dead on right.
Except I won't fold, this is too extreme. This isn't just an argument about money!
And I have found porn before and he never dismantled the computer! Also, he left the whole machine set up exactly as it was on the desk. Like he wanted me to try to turn it on and be confused... It is bizarre. He had to pull the tower out, take the case off, get the hard drive out, PUT IT ALL BACK TOGETHER and put it back where it was.
He is and you're not - it's called gas lighting and it's supposed to have the exact effect it's having on you. It's supposed to weaken your resolve to stick to what you know is right - don't let it.
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