Anyone has been through this with their spouse cheating, do you need to know the details? What if your spouse doesn't like telling you and feels they are protecting you?
Sunday night was interesting...I'm not a big drinker but I did a lot that night (superbowl). My husband decided it was time to take kids home and said he'd come and get me when I was ready. I'm not a partier but was having a great time with girls and we were talking about men so most of the men scattered...
While he was gone this guy started hitting on me. I didn't think anything of it. This is a big group of our friends and there are parameters. There is flirting but its always harmless stuff, teasing but never serious. This guy was new, brought by another friend as just a guest, not a date and he was single I guess looking to hook up. That's not the kind of parties we have, our families are there etc so I was a bit clueless that and too much to drink. I thought he was being nice. My friend figured it out and told him to back off, and he wouldn't. Now I'm on to him but he would not leave me alone. Finally the other guys made him leave. You just don't do that around these people. When my husband got back they were telling him "we had you covered and that guy won't be back". He seemed not at all perturbed. Is that weird? The other guys were more mad at that guy than my husband.
So that was the first thing then my closest friends got in to a fight. He doesn't like crowds and most of these people are her family or friends since childhood and he gave her an ultimatum. I knew it wasn't serious and so did she. In fact she stayed the night and said whatever, he'll get over it. She went to bed but her family and friends started discussing her and saying she should leave him etc. etc.
Well I stepped up and said "you can't help who you love" and if she was happy with him then let them be etc. I was really defending the relationship. Well I've not told anyone about the affair (except all of you here on this forum!) but my reactions were not normal I was very defensive of their marriage so my friend took me aside and she just knew. She said "when did he have an affair?"...we weren't even talking affairs only about marriage and she knew. ..wow I've never talked to any of my friends about this. But then again not sure if it was a good thing, she doesn't keep her mouth closed when she has something to say. So when my husband picked me up, she sat him down and told him she loved us both but he better figure out what he wants before he loses it and he told her he knew what he wanted and was intent on keeping me and she just reinforced some of his thoughts. ...not sure how I feel about this I can't believe she did it..
We went home though and I think I just hit a boiling point of not knowing everything and being angry but never showing it and he got all of it that night. I needed to unload those pent up feelings and he needed to hear how badly he hurt me. He did confess what was weighing him down were three things 1) this was the first and only affair but 3 years ago he asked a girl out but didn't go through with it 2) this affair that he had which ended last summer was much longer than he confessed. 3) yeah he told her he loved her but didn't mean it, was saying what she wanted to hear to get what he wanted (something I specifically asked him and he denied before).
I do feel a ton of bricks has been lifted but it was a pretty heart to heart. I told him I was leaving if he couldn't be truthful with me because if he's still lying we have no chance to build trust. I meant it, I don't know where I was going but I was.
Not sure if this conversation was a good thing, it was highly emotional and he started by saying "I'm not going to do this with you right now" and he was angry when he said it. But that is what he said when he was having an affair and I wanted to find out what was going on. But I stood my ground and told him if we don't do this right now then we don't do it at all. I've lived with this for nearly a year and its overdue. All of a sudden his whole demeanor changed and he said you're right let's talk but can we do it calmly (I was a bit emotional).
At first afterward it felt strained but we're getting back to where we were and I feel a huge weight off. Its funny expressing anger I always thought bad...but maybe it was a good thing not just for me but him too. I saw firsthand his guilt and pain and I did tell him I forgive him and I meant it and now he needs to learn to forgive himself....
Anyway love to hear your thoughts if you have ever been through this (or not) but my advice to anyone who has ever cheated, if you are working it out come completely clean unless your spouse doesn't want to know details then respect that. Its easier to do it sooner rather than drag it out!
Well in my situation I did not want to know all the details. My marriage was done, what was the point in inflicting myself to further pain?
I have to say in reading all the post about infidelity the cheating partner learns to lie by degrees. Even after being caught they still lie. They have created a pattern of betrayal and they are just use to lying, it's easy and natural for them. Think about it, "no there is no one else", "well yea, I talk to him/her a lot, but their just a friend","well, we never had sex","well, maybe some hugging and kissing", "well maybe we had sex but only once", "well I never loved him/her", "well yes I told them I loved them but didn't really mean it". Does this pattern sound fimiliar?
If a cheater comes clean immediatly in my mind there me be a way to save the marriage. But how long of putting up with 90% lies and 10% truth before you say enough? I put up with years of lies hoping she would change, she never did. Tomorrow is our day in court and I am glad. I wish we had divorced years ago, it is wonderful not to have to deal with a liar on a daily basis.
Every person is different, but a chronic liar is a terrible person to be in a relationship with. So to answer your question, if the person has lied and lied again what makes you think you will ever know the true details anyway? So why ask.
Ya I agree even with whatever a liar tells you how are you truely going to beleive that because they have lied about everything else. But if he is showing you not just telling you actions speak louder then words.
They have created a pattern of betrayal and they are just use to lying, it's easy and natural for them. Think about it, "no there is no one else", "well yea, I talk to him/her a lot, but their just a friend","well, we never had sex","well, maybe some hugging and kissing", "well maybe we had sex but only once", "well I never loved him/her", "well yes I told them I loved them but didn't really mean it". Does this pattern sound fimiliar?
But how long of putting up with 90% lies and 10% truth before you say enough? Cooper
These are a lot of my thoughts too...its why I check his email but maybe he knows I do it so I see what he wants me to see. Who's to say he doesn't have another email account...when one lies and gets caught, they maybe just get better at lying???
My gut tells me he has come clean and it was my gut that led me to know that he was cheating. Trying to trust him because that's what a spouse does I ignored signs but my head was saying you are such a fool. But that's what led me to confirm it and I found the emails. Now he's learned to delete. It does feel different now and whenever I've checked on him everything is as he says (in the beginning, I'd look up customer addresses and drive by there just to see that he was where he said for example)...every day actions are the only thing that matter and even a small lie about something insignificant will cause whatever trust that rebuilt to leave.
Actions do speak louder than words. I realize the other night I was trying to push him away, pushing all the buttons. I thought he would leave. I was testing him. Not intentionally but when I sat down and thought about why I said some things that I did, I realized it.
One thing I have learned through this whole process is to trust ME. One thing I said to him and I think this is really true..."you cheated on me because you KNEW I would take you back" and he was right. He said that yeah he knew there was a pretty good chance I would. That was me then and that's a line he nor anyone will ever cross again and keep me, but I guess where I'm unclear is with what happened before how much of that can I live with?
I have learned to trust what I know. Instead of looking for e-mails, I look at behavior, actions, etc. You can't fake those very well, or for very long. If he comes clean you will be able to tell. If you have doubts - trust that.
Focus on living going forward - not the past. If he chages, you will know.
I wanted to know everything, A to Z. What I got was a fantastic total fabrication which contained one ow two true facts, but about 95% of it was hockey. After a couple of weeks went by, I found out more, then another 2 weeks and more... Finally, I found e-mails and evidence that it had been TWO men and not just one.
I finally told her that I was not going to live this way, and while nothing inappropriate has taken place since she confessed the affair to me, I just wasn't going to hear any more lies. She finally came out with a LOT more than I probably wanted to know, including details of things I could never have found out about.
It hurts like I am just finding out all over again, and I am angry that my entire holiday season (including my 40th birthday) was taken away from me and shared with another man. I am hurt, angry, and dammit, I WANT my birthday party... and I WILL HAVE IT! (Even if I have to throw it myself!)
There was a BIG fight last night when she finally "Got it". Finally, she understood how devastated I am over the affair. We'll see.
To answer your question, Yes TOTAL DISCLOSURE, in my opinion is the ONLY way. Otherwise, there are still secrets. What kind of marriage can you have when you begin with keeping secrets?
Interesting. Ya when I was told I was told in the bathroom by my ex best friend and then my husband came in and all he said was no matter what those are still my girls he didnt give me a explanation nothing. Then his friend drove me home he came home maybe 15 minutes later we sat on the coach he said nothing really I went up stairs hoped in the shower and bawled my eyes out. He threw up and went to bed PASSED OUT. Then the next day we talked you could tell he was really scared and the reality hit. It was a hard day. LOTS OF TALKING CRYING. but I tell you he stuck with me through alot of BS and that was over a kiss and rub he didnt even have sex with her not even close. SO its just amazing what I put him through cause I think that I would have said ENOUPH already.
I have learned to trust what I know. Instead of looking for e-mails, I look at behavior, actions, etc. You can't fake those very well, or for very long. If he comes clean you will be able to tell. If you have doubts - trust that.
Focus on living going forward - not the past. If he chages, you will know.
Thank you for this insight, I think this is right on target and I will try to do that from now on.
It hurts like I am just finding out all over again, and I am angry that my entire holiday season (including my 40th birthday) was taken away from me and shared with another man. ~Moog
Wow...this happened to me only it was my 39th birthday and Mother's Day too! On MD, we went camping with my H and I, and our 2 kids, another couple and HER! I did not know anything was up but I was upset he brought her along, he said he didn't the other couple did and she did sleep in their tent. My birthday I knew he didn't want to take me out and it was duty so I said would you rather have time alone, he said yes forgetting it was my birthday. I took the kids and we went away while he stayed home having sex with her... holidays are not on my favorite list.
I share your sentiment but I guess my guard comes up and I just no longer want to celebrate any holidays, anniversaries etc. I feel like they lead to disappointment. I shared that with him and we'll see what he does with it. This year is my 40th..
Interesting. Ya when I was told I was told in the bathroom by my ex best friend and then my husband came in and all he said was no matter what those are still my girls he didnt give me a explanation nothing. Then his friend drove me home he came home maybe 15 minutes later we sat on the coach he said nothing really I went up stairs hoped in the shower and bawled my eyes out. He threw up and went to bed PASSED OUT. Then the next day we talked you could tell he was really scared and the reality hit. It was a hard day. LOTS OF TALKING CRYING. but I tell you he stuck with me through alot of BS and that was over a kiss and rub he didnt even have sex with her not even close. SO its just amazing what I put him through cause I think that I would have said ENOUPH already.
I found out due to HUNDREDS of text messaging going on. I confronted him and got "we're just friends, she was looking for advice", but this woman a friend of mine could no longer look me in the face. I KNEW but tried to say it wasn't happening. He denied it but then he was saying that he wasn't happy, not committed to the marriage and thinking maybe it was over but no he wasn't having sex with her...But no longer able to stand it I searched, and I found emails and photos he sent to her confirming it. Yet he still denied it. Lots of tears, lots of talks.
I also figure that if he does truly want to be with me, he will support me through this pain and do whatever it takes to minimize it. So I'm going to focus more on his behaviors now and learn to trust him based on that.
Ya I for sure think that its the NOW that matters. I just am a very prideful person so it was really hard to get past how it all came out and how he acted in front of her with it all being out still trying to act like the whatever guy you know. I guess I just thought in that situation you were supposed to break down saying sorry I love you I dont want to lose you instead I got a cold shoulder. But it was all differant in the next day and from there on.
Telling the truth,and straight anwers about the affair will help minimize trust issues moving foward. I know this first hand, my wife to this day has yet to come clean. I found out most of the details( SHE TOLD HER FRIEND AND OTHERS WHO OFFERED THE INFO TO ME). When the bond of trust and respect are broken,the deceived husband/wife are entiteld to have all questions fully explained, no have truths ect.
Ya I agree with you I think that if you are more open and tell all in the beg. it makes the trust rebuilding better. But its scary excpecially when you are telling them and they are freaking out it makes you back down and sweeten the blow so to say.
NO...........you don't need the details. All that does is hurt you. Sex is sex use your imagination if you have to. Why on earth would you want to know the nasty details? Thats like pouring alcohol on an open wound. No no no........
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Do you need to know the details? 
