I am wondering how other ws deal when triggers happen? I see 1st hand how many triggers a bs deals with but sometimes their triggers are ours as well.
For example, i have committed to my H that i will not break NC and i know it is hard for him everyday wondering if i will hold up to that. My AP was fishing ystrdy, i recieved a blank text from a number i hadnt seen before, i immediately told my H & we figured out that it was indeed my AP. So my H sent an email to the OMW telling her what had happened.
OK. So now my brain is racing & constantly wondering she got it, if he is in crap for it, if they are even still together, if it will hurt him to know that my H & I are being open & honest, that he is getting the msg that contacting me is unacceptable?
I know that it makes my H wonder if I am wanting to know because I am possibly still in contact or still have feelings for him. He has every reason to not believe me because after dday1 we did stay in contact just went underground. I once randomly showed my H a text from the OM & played dumb as to hide the continued A from him. ***That is NOT the case now***
I have not & will not break NC. I think I am super analysing his actions & what they may do to him because I am very angry at him for his part in crushing my marriage, not because I still care positively about him. But the latter is prob what my H thinks though. I really feel like i cannot just ignore my thoughts cuz I want to learn how to break them because I want to give not 1 minute more of my life to that man.
i guess my question really is Other DLS, how do u stop letting the OM & things like him fishing not consume your toughts? Or not let those joint triggers effect you? Or how can my H & I work through these together?
Your last sentence is the answer. You and Dinger work through them together. My AP lobbed the random fishing attempt at me for months. She actually caught me once for two days until I came clean to my wife but that's another story. Every time my AP sent me something I RAN to my wife with it. This did two things, first it built some comfort in my wife that I would and was showing her anything and everything the OW sent, and second it created an environment of my wife and I against my AP, it united us somewhat and gave us a common enemy. It actually helped to turn my thoughts of my AP from concern like you describe above to anger and rage because she wouldn't leave my wife and my marriage alone.
You can't keep the triggers from affecting you, only time will dull those - eventually I hope they will go away. You can get to where you learn to ignore them though. Kind of like if you have a sore muscle or something, you learn to ignore it until it subsides.
I understand the super analyzing your AP's actions, all you can really do is come to understand that whatever they are, if he's pointing them at you, he's up to no good and whatever bad befalls him as a result he earned.
I seldom even think about her. She is not fishing at all that I know of. I did see walking down our street one time and immediately called my wife to let her know. Good thing, because on of my wife's friends saw her, too.
Your husband is going to trigger. There is nothing you can do to prevent it. There is very little you can do to help either. All you can do is continue to support him when he does trigger. One thing I can tell you that helped me is that even now 20 years later when I trigger my wife still says she is sorry and comforts me. She has never once given me the impression that she feels I should be over it by now. At some point when your husband is triggering you are probably going to have the fleeting thought "geesh can't he get over it by now. Will I have to deal with his up and down emotions forever?" When that happens take that thought and shove it way down low and deep and never let him ever know you felt that way, even for a second. The triggers do get better and certainly they occur farther and farther apart. But the key to a lasting reconciliation is how you handle them each and every time.
My AP was fishing ystrdy, i recieved a blank text from a number i hadnt seen before, i immediately told my H & we figured out that it was indeed my AP. So my H sent an email to the OMW telling her what had happened.
OK. So now my brain is racing & constantly wondering she got it, if he is in crap for it, if they are even still together, if it will hurt him to know that my H & I are being open & honest, that he is getting the msg that contacting me is unacceptable?
Too bad if he is getting crap for it. Too bad if it hurts him. It isn't him you should be concerned with, its your husband.
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I know that it makes my H wonder if I am wanting to know because I am possibly still in contact or still have feelings for him.
Its obvious that you do.
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I really feel like i cannot just ignore my thoughts cuz I want to learn how to break them because I want to give not 1 minute more of my life to that man.
Maybe a good way to break from them is to tell your H how you really feel about OM, which is, you still have feelings. Maybe if your H holds your feet to the fire, you'll snap the hell out of it.
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i guess my question really is Other DLS, how do u stop letting the OM & things like him fishing not consume your toughts?
First you have to make sure contact does not happen. Because my guess is you half-assed told the OM that you two can't be in contact anymore, as opposed to telling him to F off after he contacted you again. Until you do, he will think he can contact you.
Once you make sure there will be no further contact, then you can break from it.
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Or not let those joint triggers effect you? Or how can my H & I work through these together?
There is no working through it until he knows the truth, and the truth is, you still have feelings for the OM. So unless the truth is out there, I don't think there is really any working through YOUR particular problem with your H.
Too bad if he igetting crap for it. Too bad if it hurts him. It isn't him you should be concerned with, its your husband.
Its obvious that you do.
Maybe a good way to break from them is to tell your H how you really feel about OM, which is, you still have feelings. Maybe if your H holds your feet to the fire, you'll snap the hell out of it.
"I do tell my husband how I feel. I am not concerned about him getting in trouble or what happens cuz I care still for him. I think if it as I hope like hell he does get smashed with consequences. He deserves to take a hit for what happened."
First you have to make sure contact does not happen. Because my guess is you half-assed told the OM that you two can't be in contact anymore, as opposed to telling him to F off after he contacted you again. Until you do, he will think he can contact you.
"I wrote a NC letter. It was pretty darn clear".
Once you make sure there will be no further contact, then you can break from it.
There is no working through it until he knows the truth, and the truth is, you still have feelings for the OM. So unless the truth is out there, I don't think there is really any working through YOUR particular problem with your H.
I'll catch heat, but I find irony in this thread...Why is this thread even here? A thread for those that turned the lives of others upside down? To what make them feel better about themselves? seriously... It's like a bunch of serial killers getting together to work out their anger issues and get in touch with their inner child.. Hell.. lets just invite kiddy diddlers over to career day at the school..Although you folks and I refer only to WS's may not see yourself as such your a predatory bunch.. that preyed upon the trust and love of your significant other... my rant concluded carry on...
Now who would have the OM consume their thoughts, if there was no mourning of the end of an affair?
If she doesn't pine for the OM, she wouldn't be so consumed, no?
I disagree. If she was truly still pining for the OM you can be sure that the last thing she would have done was informed her husband that the OM tried to make phone contact with her.
You forget that for those of us who chose to go straight to divorce, we did not have to deal with the obsessive thoughts that the BS and WS who chose to reconcile normally go through some months after d-day.
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And then there is this
Really? Concerned that the OM is hurt because she is choosing reconciliation with her husband?
Extrapolation to the extreme.
You know something? The other day I was thinking about how my ex-wife's OM was murdered. Does that mean that I was wishing that I had been the one who caused him to go meet his maker?
I'll catch heat, but I find irony in this thread...Why is this thread even here? A thread for those that turned the lives of others upside down? To what make them feel better about themselves? seriously... It's like a bunch of serial killers getting together to work out their anger issues and get in touch with their inner child.. Hell.. lets just invite kiddy diddlers over to career day at the school..Although you folks and I refer only to WS's may not see yourself as such your a predatory bunch.. that preyed upon the trust and love of your significant other... my rant concluded carry on...
The last time I checked title of this forum it was 'Coping with infidelity' not 'Betrayed spouses forum ONLY'.
The WS have as much right to be here as us BS, as long as they abide the terms of service outlined by the owner and admins of this site.
Thank you Morituri.
I often question if I post on here will things get completely twisted or taken out of context by others that may not have had the opportunity to actually understand that some of us DS actually do realize what we have done so wrong, know how we have hurt others & now genuinely want to do anything we possibly can to try heal what we can't take back. True remorse on here maybe fewer between than bitter betrayed spouses are but we do still exist. And we keep coming back, taking the shots from some & learning allot from others. If anyone posts to me, as some on this thread have & it makes them feel the slightest bit better off for it, then have atter! For those who have helped me I am thankful & if I can do the same in return then my intentions are being achieved. Posted via Mobile Device
Thank you Morituri.
I often question if I post on here will things get completely twisted or taken out of context by others that may not have had the opportunity to actually understand that some of us DS actually do realize what we have done so wrong, know how we have hurt others & now genuinely want to do anything we possibly can to try heal what we can't take back. True remorse on here maybe fewer between than bitter betrayed spouses are but we do still exist. And we keep coming back, taking the shots from some & learning allot from others. If anyone posts to me, as some on this thread have & it makes them feel the slightest bit better off for it, then have atter! For those who have helped me I am thankful & if I can do the same in return then my intentions are being achieved. Posted via Mobile Device
My two cents on this is that when I first read your post I had the same thoughts as Morituri with the exception of the last statement. I am also a BS but I come on this site to read and get information to help my wife and I R. If I didn't want to know what the other side was thinking I wouldn't have opened the thread. It is very hard to digest that a WS would still have feelings for someone else after they see the destruction it caused in the marriage to the person they say they love.
As much as I dissaprove cheating, I find I gain more from learning that there are cheaters out there with remorse and it gives me hope when I deal with my wife. I understand she has or may have feelings for the OM and only she can change those. There are things I have done wrong in my life. I have to remind myself that because I am a BS does not give me the right to condemn those who are trying to help. I trust a lot of the information I get from the WS on this site more than I do what my wife has told me.
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Wayward spouses, how do triggers effect you? 
Re: Wayward spouses, how do triggers effect you? 
