After deleting, I'm back with my story…update to follow,
My wife had an affair 11 yrs ago. I found out when she went on a cruise with her sisters and I called the cruise line to send flowers. When they said my wife wasn't registered, they asked if she was registered under another name. A voice in my head had me blurt out my "so called best friends" name. And there she was, registered with him in his cabin. They would not give me the room, I left a message and she called me back crying, said she was sorry and was sick to her stomach.
She said he went because her sisters were short on money and he covered it. They felt bad and asked him to go. She also said she wanted to see what it would feel like waking up next to him? When she rolled over in the morning and it was him instead of me she freaked out. She said she was ashamed and she felt like jumping off the ship. So now I had to balance being shocked, angry, hurt, with worrying about her jumping ship.... He got off the ship and flew home immediately. I had several days to think about what happened and I was just crying and worried that I lost my wife and family? I never had a chance to show anger because I was afraid it would push her to him.
We ended up going to counseling but got "bad advice"! I was told I had to accept blame, put it behind us, and move forward (rug sweep). I was also told that every time I brought it up I was slowly ruining her self esteem. I now believe that my self-defense mechanism was to blame myself and everyone but my wife. If I pushed her away and she was manipulated by him, then it wasn't really her who did this to me? For the last 10 years she has been a loving wife...I have the problem! I’m loaded with guilt, because I begged her to stay, she did, and I am the one who suffers and can't let it go? There are too many triggers in life. He even has the same name as me so it was an issue hearing his name in bed. I obviously need to move on from this, I just don't know how. She says as wrong as it sounds when she was with him she wanted to be with me and always loved me? She thought there was someone else? There never was. I was pulling away as she had become flirtatious with this friend and others, and I could tell she loved the attention. We had many fights about this and I always said someone is going to take your flirtations the wrong way.
I turned to porn and apparently she saw me watching a video clip and masturbating at night. She thought there was someone else, but didn't ask me about it, she turned to my "friend"? There never was anyone else, with the porn there were no worries about performance issues or rejection...it was just a release. I knew she was enjoying this new found attention and no matter what I said, I was being controlling. I felt like less of a man as this OM who had deep pockets was slowly buying his way into my family as I struggled. I have since stopped any regular viewing of porn. I have had "performance issues" ever since the affair and I know it's in my head because the "morning missile" is often there. I know now I should have been honest with my wife all along, but she moved on and I just didn't want to hurt her.
I lived with the triggers and mind movies for 10 years but I finally told my wife because she accused me of having an affair. I became friends with a new coworker who had worked for my brother before working with me. She always got along with, so we too became friends. My wife and I went to a work party at her house, we went to a Sports bar many nights with her and her husband to watch games, and we went to a few family parties together and it was never a problem. When her dad died, my wife and I went to the funeral and wake together so I included her in everything. In the 3 years we worked together there were never any activities outside of work unless my wife and others were there. No lunches, drinks, coffee, nothing. We talked at work, and we texted as well, always had...often work related, sometimes not.
About 1 ½ years ago, this coworker/friend ended up telling me she was getting a divorce because her husband had multiple affairs throughout their 8 year marriage and she could no longer accept it. When they split up, my wife got jealous. This friend moved 2,000 miles away 6 months ago to start a new life. We still occasionally talk or text, mostly about her finding a job or about mutual friends here at work, but since she found a job and started working there is no regular communication. I am happy that I finally was able to open up. I have felt for a long time like there was a "monster inside of me trying to break out". I want my wounds to heal, and one day not have to talk about this anymore and just be happy. I have always been there for my family and once this finally came out I felt relief!
Unfortunately my wife tried to “blameshift” saying this only came out because my friend got divorced, her husband had affairs, and we talked. This just causes me to have anger and resentment. It takes a lot of effort to always say to myself "that was in the past, we were both in a bad place, she made bad choices, I need to put it behind me and just enjoy the moment and look to the future" That works...until the next trigger and then I have to make that same conscious effort to keep moving forward? Now I want to deal with it and she’s making it about someone else again?
If she wants to believe that my friendship is an EA, fine then it’s a non sexual EA. In 3 years this person was never more than a good friend to me and has always said my situation is different than hers, I should do my best to work things out, I should get professional help, be honest with myself and take care of me. I know I need professional help. I’m sharing this to see if maybe someone else has experienced anything like this, and how they make the memories and thoughts go away. My problem is I buried them, allowed them to fester for years, and I now feel after this long, they are there for good. I have told her something in me died 11 years ago and my lack of desire for sex and my performance issues back that up. I love and care for her, but as the old saying goes...I don't know if I can be “in love" with her......
She also said she wanted to see what it would feel like waking up next to him?
this is bull****...utter bullsh!t. They did sleep previously, right and that too multiple times. And yeah, they did sleep in your bed. Don't worry about that. They let him come because he covered their money? Another bullsh!t story. It it was so innocent, then you would have been made aware of it. That he was going on a trip with them shouldn't have been a secret. Or she would have had her own room. You are still being bush!tted.
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When she rolled over in the morning and it was him instead of me she freaked out.
Haha, thats because he never considered her a long term prospect. If he had given her an opputunity, she would have dumped you for him. For him, your wife was just a quick fling that spread her legs when he threw money at her. But you can believe it if it satisfies your ego
Some more news, The thing about your porn watching, and her assuming that your cheating, that is bullsh!t too. Its called blameshifting and justifying her cheating.
She was fine all along as you blamed yourself and others for her affair. Now that you started accusing her, she cannot take it.
As lascarx mentioned in the other thread, you will be doing both of you a favor if you separate and move on
The update is my wife was originally blaming all of this on my supposed EA with my friend. I told her if it was an EA, it was a 1 sided, non sexual, EA and I could accept that because I finally was able to get this all out and in the open so I could finally deal with it so I really didn't care. She continued to place blame and I stood firm saying I made this about someone else 11 years ago and I've had to live with it (my choice), but I would no longer allow that to happen, this is about me and this is my time to work through this and try to heal.
She asked about this forum as she thought it might help her. I showed it to her and let her read my post. After a few days she said I want you to cut off all contact with your friend or we can no longer be together. (180) If you can't completely cut her from your life, we need to get bills taken care of, sell the house, split things and move on cause I can no longer accept this. After all this, that's what she got from the forum and my thread? I again held firm and said it's 2 different issues and once again you are making this about someone else and shifting blame, and I will not allow it. I said I could cut off communication if I thought it would help, but she has been nothing more than a friend to me. She never came on to me one time, and actually told me with our history, our family, and all of the years we have together, we should try to work through this! Do you know how many people have said you've always been a "stand up guy" and have always there for your family, it's time for you?
I ended up deleting my original post because some of the comments hit her pretty hard. She cut up the leather coat he bought for her that was still in our closet. She went through our old pictures to get rid of any pictures with him, and she pulled out all of the expensive jewelry from him that was still in a box in our closet. I take blame for the jewelry being there. She was originally going to give it back and I said no way... We are talking a $3,000 or $4,000 bracelet bought on the cruise, and 2 rings loaded with diamonds, one that looked like a wedding ring with a big ass heart shaped diamond that was supposedly a limited edition. At the time I did not want him to have the satisfaction of him getting them back, I didn't want to sell them because it was his dirty money, so they were just put away and not touched or talked about...This was a very bad idea on my part and I pulled them out more than once over the years without talking about it! Talk about a trigger....
I ended up saying i was tired of the merry-go-round and I was getting off. I said I can no longer act like everything is ok and then just have this stuff keep coming back up again and again. I lived in our house with all these memories for all these years. She was trying to tell me my supposed EA was every bit as bad and painful as her affair...I disagree and told her we were friends, it was never sexual and that until I stick my d--k in someone else she doesn't have a clue! Agree or disagree, that's how I feel!
She was trying to be honest and she finally told me that even though they did it in our house, they never did it in our bed. She then said they also went to his girlfriends place a few times, but they usually went to his house. Never knew about her place, not sure I wanted to? I am finally being honest with her, and honest with myself and my head has never been more clear, the "fog" has lifted! I started sleeping on the couch a couple weeks ago and spending more time at work and away from the house. We are being civil to each other and she has finally said she knows she was wrong, she knows it was all her and no one made her do this. She has said she is sorry and she is scared of losing me and she feels like she is losing her life ... everything. She keeps asking me if she can have a hug and I have given them to her a few times... and I still feel numb and still have no desire.
I have told her that I still need to move forward with getting things done around the house, selling it, and we will probably get divorced. At that time we need some time apart and depending how I feel, we could maybe start dating. I said I would not even rule out remarrying at some point but our present marriage should have ended 11 years ago. I know at times our relationship has been toxic and although she counts 30 years, I started over after D-day and we both deserve better than where we are at. I don't like putting her through this and although I went through hell, she had moved on and thought it was behind us... But I tell myself, I never saw the affair coming either and it hit me like a Mack truck and no one worried about my feelings back then. It's nice finally being in the drivers seat and my destination is personal growth and being happy! If that can include her fine... if not right now it has to be "all about me"!
And yeah, they did sleep in your bed. Don't worry about that.
They let him come because he covered their money? Another bullsh!t story. It it was so innocent, then you would have been made aware of it. That he was going on a trip with them shouldn't have been a secret. Or she would have had her own room.
Haha, thats because he never considered her a long term prospect. If he had given her an opputunity, she would have dumped you for him. For him, your wife was just a quick fling that spread her legs when he threw money at her. But you can believe it if it satisfies your ego
The thing about your porn watching, and her assuming that your cheating, that is bullsh!t too. Its called blameshifting and justifying her cheating.
She was fine all along as you blamed yourself and others for her affair. Now that you started accusing her, she cannot take it.
As lascarx mentioned in the other thread, you will be doing both of you a favor if you separate and move on
Believe it or not, it really doesn't matter if they slept in our bed or where that did it... Doing it anywhere in our home, turned that "home" into a house, and although sleeping with someone else is definitely disrespectful....anywhere in our home or even his girlfriends home was like a complete FU!
The cruise..yeah I knew that was bullsh*t right from the start!
And she has said she always told him she was never going to leave me and that she knew he could never have feelings or be faithful...or something like that? Nice, big relief huh?
Porn watching...I did have an issue, but after a couple bouts of nonperformance issues, I was troubled. It was a combination of her getting flirtatious and enjoying the attention, 20 years with the same woman, and us being somewhat naive. It became an easier release with no worries... but I should have dealt with it. She supposedly felt like "you have an attractive wife laying in bed and you'd rather do that"? So she thought there must be someone else...Whatever, even if true, no excuse to go to a guys good buddy and go at it!
I posted a follow up and as much as we have in common and as much as I care, I just don't think now that I've really faced all of this that I can justify it or accept it.... and it sucks!
The counselling was a problem. Obviously the counseller (female?) sided with your wife and stopped her from truly being sorry for her actions. I think she has lived until now without having to truly face her mistakes.
The idea of your EA being as bad as her physical (and emotional) affair is just another way to blame-shift, which indicates that she is still not sorry. People who are sorry own their actions and don't point fingers. It's her way of justifying her actions retrospectively.
Her ultimatum about selling and splitting is another way for her to avoid facing her mistakes. Either she's saying that to get you to back down or she's saying it so that she can further avoid facing up and feeling sorry. Some people will do anything rather than face their own negative actions. In modern Western women, anything that "attacks their self-esteem" is to be avoided at all costs--at all costs.
Personally, I'd keep the pressure on. She needs to crack, big time, and face her mistakes, finally. If she can do that then things can heal between you. Don't let her read this or she'll fake it without really doing it.
The counselling was a problem. Obviously the counseller (female?) sided with your wife and stopped her from truly being sorry for her actions. I think she has lived until now without having to truly face her mistakes.
The idea of your EA being as bad as her physical (and emotional) affair is just another way to blame-shift, which indicates that she is still not sorry. People who are sorry own their actions and don't point fingers. It's her way of justifying her actions retrospectively.
Her ultimatum about selling and splitting is another way for her to avoid facing her mistakes. Either she's saying that to get you to back down or she's saying it so that she can further avoid facing up and feeling sorry. Some people will do anything rather than face their own negative actions. In modern Western women, anything that "attacks their self-esteem" is to be avoided at all costs--at all costs.
Personally, I'd keep the pressure on. She needs to crack, big time, and face her mistakes, finally. If she can do that then things can heal between you. Don't let her read this or she'll fake it without really doing it.
I let her read my original thread and at first she tried shifting blame and doing a 180 on me? Saying I had to cut off all contact with my friend or we were done. Sell the house, pay bills, and split up. That didn't work because I agreed. She then did a complete 180, meaning now she says she is sorry, she will accept whatever I decide, but she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. She says she is the one who did this, she can not make it about anyone else. Did she do this because that's how she really feels, because I stood strong, because she read my original thread and read some vicious attacks on her that hit home, because she is scared? Just like the question, would she have ended the affair had I not caught her? I will never really know?
I have told her something in me died 11 years ago and my lack of desire for sex and my performance issues back that up. I love and care for her, but as the old saying goes...I don't know if I can be “in love" with her......
God, how true is this.
So sorry you went through this. I can't believe all these years you lived with that bad advice , coupled with the mental images too. Your wife should be bloody lucky you put up with so much.
Your wife is firing all the bullets in her gun---to keep her mge.
Using your friendship with another woman agst you, is just one of her bullets
If you are not in an EA----which means you make contact once in a while, and talk generally about things, then you can stand your ground
What you did, has no comparison to what she did, bringing another man right into your own home, she knew what she was doing----she has just been allowed by you, all these years, to not have to deal with it---well now she must deal with it
You have to decide what you want for your future---and who you want in your future----If it took 11 years for you to decide, you cannot go on with this woman, that is OK, if she doesn;t like it/can't handle it----toooo bad---she surely was able to handle, very nicely, all her cheating, decieving, planning, manipulating, lying, and everything else that went with making you nothing but a 2nd class nobody in her life, thru that period of time
Bottom line---do what is best for your future!!!!!!!
You are really a terrific person to live 11 yrs with her after her reckless, disrespectful, deceiving whoring with OM, even in your bed (don't trust her that they didnt done it on your bed TT).
You spoiled precious 11 yrs for a whoring wife. without guilt and remorse for her actions. who is still proud of her cheating and living in her fond memories of her whoring. she made you feel terrible for her actions. classical who*e.
From where you got the nuts now, i think she pushed you to curb so that you cant breath any more.
You should have escaped from her 11 yrs ago, dont waste your time on her, run away from her.
She is still trying to manipulate you, when she really found that you had grown a pair of balls again,by accepting her fuc*king and throwing her coat now, which she should have done 11 yrs ago. She kept it as a token of her whoring for these yrs. What a terrific lady she is? still blame shifting gas lighting OMG. I will pray not even my worst enemy should live his life with a such piece of Sh*t.
Run man before she castrate you again in the way she did it 11yrs ago. hold your balls, dont give it to her any more for castration.
I feel really sorry for you, i dont know why these kind of who*res get good men like you.
GEEZE, I'm 3 years out and thought I was screwed now. Your 11 years out and still a basket case.... Kinda zaps that hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.. Also "Leather Coat" from him that she still had?.. Pictures of them together? Seriously.. WTF.. I can't think of a single reason why a truly remorseful person would hold on to those items.. For any reason....
I would think that just seeing them or touching those items would (should) trigger an uncontrollable guilt or shame response in an actually sincerely remorseful person.
I think my spouse is remorseful (although I still have a ton of hate). One of the reasons being that items from the OM that had found their way into my house could shame her to tears. That initial phase after you find out and your hyper alert to anything out of place or new or anything that dude may have touched in you house. I told her that anything belonging to him best find it's way out of my home and she gathered a few dumb momentous from various places; innocent looking items that she had said she got when she was out with her girlfriends or that her work had given her, a straw hat, a 3 inch tall Raggady Ann Doll, a stuffed Micky Mouse, some clothing items etc.. and I could see that it actually hurt her to touch them; like reverse trigger so to speak or a physical reminder of what a piece of shizit she was.
A couple years later I was replacing the carpet in the bedroom (moved all the furniture out, dressers, bed etc).. and after I moved my nightstand and the bed out. There it was plain as day (lying in that little space between the wall and where the headboard just was).. a POS wrist watch. I snatched it up, took it into the living room where she was on the couch watching t.v. and sat it rather forcefully on the coffee table in front of her. She glanced at it casually at first and then went white and left the room crying (so I knew instantly)..
I could have chased her around the house with that thing like garlic and a vampire. I told her to get it out of here and she said she did not want to touch it, it made her sick, yada, yada.. to which I replied I don't give a Fuzuck. I left for a while and said it best be gone by the time I get back.. Needless to say it was not and when I got back she was in the now empty bedroom sitting in a corner crying.. I went back in the living room grabbed the thing and tossed it into the canal out back.. Sorry for dragging on but I think there was remorse there as it was as painful for her as it was for me.. Of course I get the added bonus of imagining this smuck taking the thing off, sitting it on my nightstand, climbing into my bed and apparently rocking the bed so hard that it got knocked off and landed between the headboard and the wall..(getting mad as I type this out.. damn..) Well you get the point.. Other Dudes Stuff should not be in your house and/or the CW (cheating - crude adjective for lady of the night) should not be able to stand the sight of it.. It should feel like a dagger in her heart too...
You spoiled precious 11 yrs for a whoring wife. without guilt and remorse for her actions. who is still proud of her cheating and living in her fond memories of her whoring.
You should have escaped from her 11 yrs ago, dont waste your time on her, run away from her.
She is still trying to manipulate you, when she really found that you had grown a pair of balls again,by accepting her fuc*king and throwing her coat now, which she should have done 11 yrs ago.
I will pray not even my worst enemy should live his life with a such piece of Sh*t.
I feel really sorry for you, i dont know why these kind of who*res get good men like you.
Piece of Sh*t...not acceptable! But it helps me to understand the rest of your comment. 11 years were not a complete waste by any means, it was my choice, no one forced me...Regardless of your jaded "opinion", she has been a great wife since then and I didn't allow her to rugsweep and put it behind her, I allowed it and helped make it happen as the only way I could get past it. I know this now, and if you read everything you'd know this as well! These last 11 years we have had some good times and our boys were allowed to grow up in their home. I am the one who wasn't honest about my true feelings and kept it to myself.
She now knows I can no longer be manipulated as I have finally stood up for myself and made it clear this is about me, and what she did...nothing else! I appreciate your "opinion", but you must have been really sh*t on bad to have such a vulgar outlook as I have read some of your other comments. Don't be sorry for me, I don't need your pity and I actually feel sorry for you! Why don't you try to say wh*re just a few more times in your post? lol...Seriously, get a grip! She definitely did me wrong and the memories will be there forever and yes her behaviors at that dark time in my life may have been "whorish"? But she is not.
I watched this woman take care of my Dad and Mom when they were dieing, I was with her 4 years ago when she survived cancer and I cried like a baby when she got it and when I knew she was ok after her surgery. This is not about now...my issue is it was a horrible, earthshaking experience that hurt me to my core, and I never got over it and probably never will. I tried to accept it and move on but it was always there. So no matter what I tell myself... she still chose do do it and I need to choose whether or not I want to continue to stay with her and live with the memories.... right now I think were 2 good people who will be better off as friends? Time will tell?
S4E, you're doing now what you know you should have done 11 years ago that's all. Maybe if you both had parted ways then things might have turned around because you could have started healing then instead of now.
We never know what the future holds but all we can do is keep our head up and move on with our lives. Those that keep on looking down do not know what they are missing.
Like you said, you never know, the road just might lead right back to your wife down the road.
GEEZE, I'm 3 years out and thought I was screwed now. Your 11 years out and still a basket case.... Kinda zaps that hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.. Also "Leather Coat" from him that she still had?.. Pictures of them together? Seriously.. WTF.. I can't think of a single reason why a truly remorseful person would hold on to those items.. For any reason....
I would think that just seeing them or touching those items would (should) trigger an uncontrollable guilt or shame response in an actually sincerely remorseful person.
Other Dudes Stuff should not be in your house and/or the CW (cheating - crude adjective for lady of the night) should not be able to stand the sight of it.. It should feel like a dagger in her heart too...
I agree on the coat and we've talked about it...She knows how I feel and i should have spoke up as well... I mean if I act like it doesn't bother me? The pics were because he became such a close (gag) family friend and did so much with us, he was in pics for years. We would have had to sit down and pull out boxes stored away and go through them.
Our garage, basement and a couple rooms in our house could qualify for hoarders...well not quite that bad, but no organization. We chose to just bury it and not go there. No one was pulling them out and looking at them and I sure never found them anywhere near my bed or nightstand... So she wasn't touching them?
Again, shouldn't have been there and I was a fool for allowing it. I know this...no more doormat!
My problem is I buried them, allowed them to fester for years, and I now feel after this long, they are there for good. I have told her something in me died 11 years ago and my lack of desire for sex and my performance issues back that up. I love and care for her, but as the old saying goes...I don't know if I can be “in love" with her......
It's been almost 3 years since DDay here and I still have triggers. Every white car I see (she told me once when they met for afternoon sex she looked forward to seeing him pull up), his name, songs on the radio, movies about affairs, sex with my wife. Too many triggers to get rid of.
I get what you say. Part of my taking my wife back was that I still loved her but I told her I don't trust her. She asked how she could get that back, I said I just don't know. I often ask myself if I can stay married to someone I don't trust, and may never trust. She's been sober 2 1/2 years and that helps but we have changed. I see her as a flawed copy of the woman I married.
I keep hoping the triggers will go away so I can move on and reconnect fully with her but I just can't let them go. Part of me is screaming that if I do and trust her again I am just setting myself up for more pain. She told me she would never put me though that pain again. I told her she did once, that was all it took...
To answer your thread question, for me the triggers have never completely gone away. They have lessened though. But if I hear or see something, they come back. It sucks.
Re: your situation... I remember on another thread you posted where you admitted openly to having feelings for your friend and we were all trying to get you see that that is why your wife felt the way she did about everything.
You both need to work through this (and you need to go no contact). She betrayed you with the OM and she feels you betrayed her with the co-worker you have/had feelings for.
11Likes
Do triggers and memories ever go away? 
