cabin fever

Little background.

Been married 7 years, together for 11. We have a 10y/o boy.
Lots of friends, thought we had a great marriage, even had friends tell me how great my wife is, and that I was a lucky man. When I told them about the affair they were speechless, and said they couldn't believe it would ever happen to us (both my friends, and her friends said the same thing)

this all started about 3 years ago. He sister (whom she is very close with) had an affair with one of my friends. When I found out I got pissed, and didn't want anything to do with either of them (her sister, or my friend, both of whom were married) They finally ended it, but I was always worried about my wife hanging out with her sister from that point on. I bascially lost all respect for her (and my friend) from that point on.

My wife swore it would never to happen to us, and she was not her sister. Ok, so I thought.

My wife was fired from 3 different jobs simply for not going to work. No excuses, she just didn't want to go (I have held the same job for 12 years, and work hard to provide for my family. I take pride in my job, but not to the extent that it comes before my family. Ever. It kinda pissed me off, but I figured I would work harder to make things work, I picked up side jobs here and there to make sure our quality of life didn't change.

Ok, so in April of 2011 I found a really bad text message on her phone from someone I didn;'t know. I confronted her, and she said it was all a joke, and no big deal. Said it was a class mate (she is going back to school for a career change) She even had this azzholes name as a girl to throw me off. I guess I didn't want to believe it, so I let her talk her way out of it. Over the next few months I found more evidence, and i was convinced something was going on.

finally the day after our 7 year anniversary, I found the emails, that confirmed it. She was actually with this guy, when I called and told her I knew everything. She didn't come home for 4 hours afterwards.

this was in September. I simply lost it. I loved her with all my heart, and I was heart broken. She simply said she was sorry for hurting me, but that we didn't communicate, and that was why she did it. WTF? She said she met him at a bar (with her sister of course) My wife hardley ever drinks, so there was no doubt in my mind that the 2 of them had 1 thing on their mind when they went out that night. (btw I was out of town working, when this happened)

The next week was complete and utter hell for me. I couldn't sleep, eat, or do anything. In the mean time she keep seeing this guy, and bascially said she wanted a divorce. I didn't but after weeks turned to months, I finally said fine, I'm done, and started moving on. I started taking a lot more pride in myself. For the first time I started putting mysefl before her, and started doing what I wanted, when I wanted, and included my son in everytthing I could.

Fast forward to the beginning of December, I have picked myself back up, and accepted the divorce, and told myself I deserve better. Then she starts showing hints of wanting to get back togehter (our divorce was just getting started) at first I wanted nothing to do with it, as I was single and ready to mingle! The more I thought about it, I started to reconsider, and we eventually started talking more and more, and finally decided to stay together. so bascially since the middle of December we made the commitment to work it out.

I am still paranoid that something is going to happen, and she is going to end up doing it again. I have been checking emails, and phone records, and have found no evidence of her contracting this guy, or vice versa. She has made an honest effort to do the things I asked, but I am afraid its me that might not be able to get past this.

What do I do to make myself get over this? I have never been hurt like this before, I swore to myself I would never get to that dark of a place again. I am afraid I will never be able to let my gaurd down,and move on. I'm also afraid to confront my wife about this. I know its wrong,but not sure how to talk about it, or move on.

bandit.45

My wife and I married 21 years ago. Three years into the marriage she had a two month long physical affair with on old boyfriend. She cried, begged and screamed for me not to divorce her. I agreed to reconcile and spent the next two years and about $25k on therapy to get my head screwed on straight again.

The next 18 years "seemed" fine and dandy, until two weeks ago when I discovered four months worth of e-mails between my wife and a guy in San Diego: sex talk, nude pictures, her telling him what an *sshole I am... the works.

After I confronted her she went to go stay with her sister, then on February 3, even after being busted and knowing it would kill me, she flew to S.D. to meet with him and consumate their affair.

Don't do it my friend. Your wife is setting you up for more pain down the road.

Complexity

You do know she only wants to reconcile because she realises what she's lost not because she's genuinely remorseful? a person in her position would've been pro reconciliation 200% from D-day if she genuinely valued you. Turned out the OM wasn't up to scratch and so I guess she settled. Also you need to stop blaming her sister, your wife is a grown woman who made a concious decision to ruin what was a very good husband to her for seemingly very selfish reasons.

I hope you made the right decision.

PHTlump

If, two months into reconciliation, you can't talk about it with her, then you've allowed her to rug sweep. Given that it took her months to decide to give up her affair, that's not a good sign.

The fact is, you will never get over this. You will never blindly trust your wife again. And you shouldn't. She didn't just get drunk one time and oops, something happened. She went looking for a man, found one, pursued him, didn't stop once you found out, and then eventually decided that you were the better option.

So, if you want to feel better about the state of your relationship, you need to become an expert snoop. Put a GPS tracker in her car. Put spyware on her phone. Put a voice-activate recorder under the seat of her car. Put a keylogger on her PC. If all these sources tell you that she's not engaged in an affair, then you can be pretty confident that she's remaining loyal. For now.

Good luck.

Bugz Bunny

I'm sorry that this happened to you but I will be honest with you:
I dont get it why are you reconciling and not only reconciling but rug sweeping too...

Your wife disrespected and humiliated you and your family in the worst way...first she cheated and then after Dday she continued until you had enough of her ****...her cheating after D day is the most hurtful and disrespecting thing in my opinion...

And you are her back up plan...she chose not to divorce because you are her meal ticket and not because she loves you...

You will have mind movies for a long long time,you will never forget what she did to you,you will pay a lot of money on MC,IC and self help books,and you will never trust her as before and whenever she is late you will wonder were she is and is she telling the truth...If you decide to reconcile you will live a miserable life at least for the next 2-5 years...

My advice is to divorce her and instead of paying for MC,IC and self help books to spend this money on your child...and when you get better from this shame of a marriage find yourself a nice women that will respect you...

Whatever you decide I wish you the best...

Good Luck

Gabriel

Man, this is hard to read. You need to get a VAR, and put it somewhere you think she might have a secret conversation, like the car, by the bed, etc. So many people on here have had IDENTICAL stories to yours, where the wife wouldn't give up the OM for some time, then suddenly gets scared straight or changes her mind.

And in a LOT of those cases, they just took the affair underground. Many of the people utilized a VAR to catch them underground. Your case smells just like these - ignore this advice at your own risk.

Even though my wife and I are 9 months past DDay and things are going decently well, I still entertain getting a VAR even though she's been "clean" for the last 8 of those 9 months...just to be sure. But I haven't yet. You definitely should. I wouldn't be surprised AT ALL if she was still talking to him. You are her meal ticket - why would she give that up?

norajane

If you want to reconcile, you absolutely must tell her this. That's the only way to work through it. I'm not suggesting you should work through it, but your relationship won't change unless you do. So you have to talk about it. Write it in a letter if you can't say the words.

morituri

First off don't commit to anything, reconciliation or divorce, and let her know that and also that until further notice the marriage is on probation with no date time stamp. If you find that she even has the slightest of contact with the OM and she doesn't come forth without you discovering it, then tell her it is over and that she'd better get ready to find herself a place to live.

As far as work is concerned, don't allow her to be without a job. She has lived off you for many years and that has allowed her to play around. It is time that she grow up and get herself a job. No job, no marriage. This should be a non-negotiable condition for you to even reconsider the possibility of reconciliation. Tough love my friend, tough love.

__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

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hisfac

That's always the problem after an affair.

Even if you reconcile you can never ever be sure it's not going to happen again so you're always looking for warning signs. You can never fully relax and trust again no matter what the WS has to say about it because their actions are much louder than their words.

Unless you can just throw caution to the wind and accept that it could happen again and just enjoy the time together but mentally prepare yourself but then what's the point of it all?

bryanp

I don't get it either. Have you both been tested for STD's? Did you contact the OM's significant other? What were the consequences of her actions? It sounds like she knew she could horribly betray you and your marriage and screw this guy when she wanted because she knew down deep you would forgive her. If the roles were reversed do you think she would have been as accepting as you have been? It really sounds like she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

Kallan Pavithran

[COLOR="red"]Reconciling without true remorse, and consequences is suicidal for you[/COLOR]

warlock07

You will be an idiot if you get back with her and probably deserve the betrayal that will soon follow. I don't even have to explain why.

The End

Initfortheduration

No consequence, no contrition. Its sad that so many people go through the whole process from finding out, being disrespected, left for the POSOP, skrew till they're board and bummed they aren't being provided for. They want their meal ticket back. And the disrespected, jilted spouse takes them back. Then they come here and ask, "can I ever get over it?" The answer is probably not. She still has the same sister, the same disrespect for you, the same entitled attitude about helping you with the expenses. Let me ask you, what's changed? You took her right back. How long was it before she stopped schtumping him, and jumped back into bed with you? I mean was it an epiphany? Did she just jump up after sex, and say, damn that sucked, I'm going back to my husband. DUDE SHE WAS SKREWING THIS GUY ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY. WHAT THE HE77 ARE YOUR FUTURE ANNIVERSARIES GONNA BE LIKE? YOUR ANNIVERSARY!?!?!?

snap

I second Gabriel, get a VAR, and install a keylogger for a good measure.

chapparal

Do you have passwords to her phone, emails , texts, computers etc.? Use a VAR from Best Buy Walmart etc in her car or where she might go to hide and talk like the bathroom. First you have to make sure she is not/ does not cheat.