I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore - Perspective plz?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-10-2012, 10:11 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore - Perspective plz?

Hi All,

I've seen quite a lot of negativity around "the old 'I love you but Im not in love with you anymore' speach", mostly by the BS camp, and I was wondering where that negativity came from.

For those of you who've had this conversation, could I ask that you please share what your views on the 'talk' itself were, the person who was talking with you and your feelings behind it.

I'm interested in hearing from both the BS and the WS camp here.
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Old 02-10-2012, 03:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore - Perspective plz?

Haven't had it directly but I know a few who have been on the receiving end, of both genders. Seems you can interpret it the same way every time.

I love you = I feel guilty about something.

I'm not in love with you = there's someone else in the picture.

It's politician-speak, plain and simple.
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Old 02-10-2012, 03:07 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore - Perspective plz?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lascarx View Post
Haven't had it directly but I know a few who have been on the receiving end, of both genders. Seems you can interpret it the same way every time.

I love you = I feel guilty about something.

I'm not in love with you = there's someone else in the picture.

It's politician-speak, plain and simple.
usually means you didn't meet my needs and I never comunicated them to you so now I found someone to bang on the side so would you just please give me everything you ever earned and leave me be.
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Old 02-10-2012, 03:11 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore - Perspective plz?

Well, when the men say it to the women the undertone usually has less to do with earnings and more to do with stretch marks. Have to be fair.
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Old 02-10-2012, 03:14 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore - Perspective plz?

Amonsgt other things I think the chemical part is related to oxytocin and dopamine.

Dopamine would be all about the in love component. Oxytocin is more about the comfortable feelings.

You need both of course with your spouse. A balance. However, you can have the oxytocin with a brother you love as well.

Dopamine can come from a spouse or possibly an affair partner.

It comes down to what needs are being met by whom and the sexual attractiveness we have for another.

So normally with this the knee jerk reaction is to rule out an affair partner. That said IMO it is unrealistic to think that over a say 25 year marriage you will have no lapses in this dopamine rush. I think that would be very abnormal for all sorts of reasons. It is however something that needs to be renewed.

Normal stuff really. It is just when someone comes to you with this, they are letting you know that they have lost that feeling for you. They may or may not have that feeling for another. Usually it is something that happens with one person at a time. It probably transitions. That would be the confused feelings state.

While it is normal in life to fall in and out of love with someone, it does not mean that there are not causes to this that need to be addressed.

See www.marriedmansexlife.com and His Needs Her Needs
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Old 02-10-2012, 03:47 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore - Perspective plz?

I think a lot of us have heard this little cliche, and often thought it at some point or another. But when it gets to the point you vocalize it aloud to your partner it is almost always because you've checked out of the marriage. However I think there is also a small chance that they are just confused and unsure and may bounce these words off their partner to see what happens.

If they are bouncing around the idea there probably aren't many other red flags of infidelity.

But when a spouse actually checks out they always have a plan in place (ie another person to fulfill a certain number of needs) before they make this announcement, usually that plan is verified first (ie the emotional affair has already gone physical).

So if there are red flags (changed passwords, hiding phone, changes in appearance, new underwear) and you hear ILYBINILWY from your spouse it is VAR time and also time to lawyer up.
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Old 02-10-2012, 04:02 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore - Perspective plz?

To me, it means "I love you (as a friend, sister, etc), but I'm not in love with you (as a spouse/lover)". As demonstrated on these forums, this may mean someone else has taken over the latter role.

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Old 02-10-2012, 05:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Its a soft way of saying 'I just cant be assed with this relationship anymore' (for whatever reason).
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Old 02-10-2012, 06:45 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore - Perspective plz?

It means "I going to lie to you one more time before you find out the truth"
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Old 02-10-2012, 10:27 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore - Perspective plz?

Hmmmmm. I know this so called cliche'. I've said it to my husband and I've had it said to me from another lover.
So...

It was truthful when I told my H. I should have never married him. I'm gay. But he was pretty. I'm attracted to pretty men. I just wish they didn't have the "junk". Funny ha ha I know.

But...When you are in a relationship, you may not be "in love" with your spouse at every moment. You may go through periods of knowing you love your spouse, but something is lacking, you've grown apart, whatever the reason.

The issue...do you work through the phase or do you leave. I know this cliche' far too well. And those who have been on this board know my history. I can and will (because I know it will be read) say that I go through periods of loving my spouse but not sure if I'm in love. Then when a period of time passes, I wonder how I could have thought that and I know I'm in love.

People argue. People fight. People disagree. Tempers flare. You don't speak. You live apart. You look at pictures. Your heart aches. One person reaches out. Other person crumbles because they "are in love". Reunion happens. Bliss happens. Time passes. People disagree. "I love you but..." blah blah blah.

And you wonder if you ever were "out of love" but just in a bad phase. Then it becomes "look, we love each other. We are in love with each other. We can't continue the cycle the way it is. We need to change how we communicate if we want to break this distructive cycle."

So there are 2 different scenario's. I really really meant it with my H. He was a very good man and lord have mercy if I were straight, we would have celebrated our 27th wedding ann. this year.

Second scenario, temper's flaring, bad communication, a bad phase has made me feel that way.

HOWEVER, I've NEVER said it again since telling my ex H. Why? Because I know myself better than anyone. And I know when I, Me, Us are in a "phase".

Oh, and because I think most people use it as an excuse to screw around and then come back to their spouse because the grass wasn't as green as they thought it was.
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Old 02-10-2012, 10:34 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore - Perspective plz?

I thought that the, "I love you but not in love with you." speech was just a way to say I am out of here while trying to not sound like an uncareing jerk to save face.

I guess it is a perspective issue.
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Old 02-11-2012, 07:46 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore - Perspective plz?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lascarx View Post
Haven't had it directly but I know a few who have been on the receiving end, of both genders. Seems you can interpret it the same way every time.

I love you = I feel guilty about something.

I'm not in love with you = there's someone else in the picture.

It's politician-speak, plain and simple.
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Old 08-19-2012, 11:00 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore - Perspective plz?

I've been struggling with this one for a while now, mostly because, at several points, I have thought this about my wife. But I think I finally understand it and I now recognize just how badly phrased and immature it is.

I think that worrieddad's post is the most relevant, though it's still too cynical for me.

I love you,

When I think of my W, I want her to be successful in life, I want her to be happy, to protect her from pain, etc. I do love her. I always will.

but I'm not in love with you anymore

I think that this is badly worded and it is so badly worded because of all of the bulls***t that we're fed from the time that we're born. I think that people associate 'in love' with that desire to stay together. After all, All you need is love and when you have it you will "live happily ever after"(tm). This is such a childish and naive view on love, life and marriage and yet I am guilty of holding that concept close to my heart for so much of my life.

I think it simply means "I don't want to be with you anymore", as worrieddad said, 'for whatever reason', infidelity or otherwise.

What I'm not sure of is whether, in the person's head that is saying it, is whether they are just trying to not say "I don't want you" by softening it with "not in love with you" or whether they are actually equating 'in love' with that desire to stay together.

For me at least, I absolutely do love my W, as a friend and even as lover. But I just don't want to be with her anymore. But if I didn't lover her, I wouldn't have gone through as much pain as I have through this process.

And yet I wonder how that translates to people who hear it. Do they hear, "I don't want you" or do they hear "they don't love me".

I can see why people read so much negativity into this statement (it is a rejection after all) but the person saying it wouldn't be saying it if they didn't actually care about the person that they are saying it to. Love doesn't make a marriage successful, it's just one piece of the puzzle. An important piece mind you, but it's still just one piece.
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Old 08-19-2012, 11:13 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore - Perspective plz?

"in love" = limerance
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Old 08-19-2012, 11:40 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore - Perspective plz?

Yay, I learned a new word!

No longer "in love" meaning 'I no longer hold your desire to love me above all else'. And yet, limerence is a non-lasting phenomenon anyways. According to that url, people generally reach neutrality within 1-3 years.

I think this goes deeper than simple limerence; otherwise, we'd all be saying this to our spouses after 1-3 years.

One thing that that the article says is:

Quote:
Nevertheless Tennov stresses that 'the most consistent result of limerence is mating, not merely sexual interaction but also commitment
I think here, "I don't want to be with you" also means that "I am no longer committed to you". Taken in that light, I can see how most people would think that ILYBINILWYA would imply that someone else has entered the picture, because the supposition is that "if they are not committed to me, then they must be committed to someone else".
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