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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Infidelity or just innocent

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-12-2012, 10:05 PM   #106 (permalink)
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What happens now?..she has not been on the laptop all night..she flipped out when i mentioned the divorce..said that I am looking for stuff thats not there and that I can tell whoever I want as she is tired of all this now..wanted to be left alone..all sorts..
First you need to get out of your own fog: the fig of trying to think that somewhere inside her is the caring rational honest person you married. Right now she is a self deluded liar who has as her happiness goal to remain in her EA. that makes anything she has to do fair and right in her eyes.

First kill the affair, then you can talk to her.
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Old 02-12-2012, 10:28 PM   #107 (permalink)
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Why to kill the affair, when she is still skewed towards OM?
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Old 02-12-2012, 10:36 PM   #108 (permalink)
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She slso spoke of how i could tell her parents and kick her out if I wanted to..is this normal?
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Old 02-12-2012, 10:38 PM   #109 (permalink)
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Also claims I broker her heart when she found out I knew what she sent in her last email to him..
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Old 02-12-2012, 10:40 PM   #110 (permalink)
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She will say, do, negotiate anything to protect the affair. Understand you are dealing isotherm essentially a drug addict. Expect her to act like one.

Btw,tomorrow when you leave for work she will contact him fr help on how to deal with you.
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Old 02-12-2012, 10:41 PM   #111 (permalink)
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Ya, she's calling your bluff, she still thinks she has a doormat for a H and is testing to see how far you will go.
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Old 02-12-2012, 10:43 PM   #112 (permalink)
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Her poor heart, it must be so hard for her now that her fantasy has been exposed.

It sucks to be caught!

How is she going to continue her little secret fantasy with you looking over her shoulder?
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Old 02-12-2012, 10:50 PM   #113 (permalink)
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I guess you're progressively learning the answer to your thread question. I wouldn't kick her out or tell her parents, that would seem too brash and desperate in my opinion. Keep with the 180 and like Mori says, make her understand that this marriage is effectively on probation until she gets her act together. I will differ from other users here by not advising you personally to end the affair, this should be a personal step from her. If you want to know if there's anything salvageable from this individual they have to personally get out of this fog alone. Stop contacting the OM, it hasn't worked and it won't work. He owes you absolutley nothing. Your wife has to ultimately realise the error of her ways and to understand whether risking your relationship is worth some friend from 30 years ago who lives thousands of miles away. If she chooses the latter then this marriage rotted along time ago.

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Old 02-12-2012, 10:55 PM   #114 (permalink)
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just one question..could this all just be an over reaction on my behalf?..or am I kidding myself?...I cant see the wood for the trees..sooo confused!!
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Old 02-12-2012, 11:07 PM   #115 (permalink)
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just one question..could this all just be an over reaction on my behalf?..or am I kidding myself?...I cant see the wood for the trees..sooo confused!!
Consider the emails o himfom a secret account and you have your answer...no you aren't.
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Old 02-12-2012, 11:17 PM   #116 (permalink)
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Okay, everybody needs to slow the F down. I thought this was a pro marriage forum. All I am hearing is how this woman is for sure cheating, in the fog, is playing mind games, manipulating, etc, etc.

None of us know if any of that is true or false. Some of you are giving good advice here, but others are ready to throw stones at yet another witch, and we don't know much at all.

Look, Heats of Oak, stop contacting the OM. It's always a bad tactic. He won't listen to you - only her. Deal with your wife only. You've already laid down the gauntlet. She claims the relationship is innocent, but that isn't what matters. What matters is that the relationship bothers you.

Here's what you do. You say, "Honey, look. I know I may be coming across harsh right now, and your relationship with X might very well be innocent. But it still really bothers me, and given what's gone down I am having trouble trusting you. I want to stay married to you and continue our life together, but I can't do that when you are having secret conversations with another man. I have to draw the line for the sake of myself and our marriage. So, even if nothing naughty is going on, I need you to cut ties with him. Hopefully you can respect my feelings and value our marriage more than your conversations with X. So what's it going to be, Doll?"

If she values your marriage enough, she shouldn't hesitate after this plea from you. She might get defensive, but if she does, you just say, "Honey, I understand this might just be an innocent friendship. But I don't care. This is how it has to be. It bothers me that much. So, whaddya say?"
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Old 02-12-2012, 11:18 PM   #117 (permalink)
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WTF....she sends an e-mail to the OM that disrespected you, you found out......and this breaks HER heart!??

WOW!!

Look you need to quit asking of you are making something out of nothing - it really is getting annoying --------- the second she lied and took direct action to keep you, her husband, in the dark about her communication with the OM......she crossed the line. It became more than a friendship, it became a toxic presence that would eat away at your marriage - distracting her, a 3rd party to the two of you that is cancer.

This is big, accept it and don't waver from it and don't ask that damn question again.
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Old 02-12-2012, 11:25 PM   #118 (permalink)
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just one question..could this all just be an over reaction on my behalf?..or am I kidding myself?...I cant see the wood for the trees..sooo confused!!
Normally your wife's refusal to stop contacting the OM would be an indication in and of itself that there is something wrong. What makes it hard to read is that you are so beta and she is so use to pushing you around that I am not sure just how much this OM means to her.

You work a job, she does not yet:
1) You usually make her tea and breakfast every morning.
2) You get the kids up, feed them and get them off to school.
3) You do most of the house work.
Dude, until she gets a job, get her out of bed and have her take care of you, the kids and the house work. It is only fair.

Add to this the fact that after fights she expects you to make nice the next morning and you are a doormat. She has no respect for you and thus your unhappiness with her talking behind your back to the OM means nothing to her. Is it any wonder that you say that she is no longer attracted to you?

Man up now. Lay down the law and then back it up with action not talk. Cut her off financially and take care of all of the bills yourself. Start asserting yourself.

Here is a thought. Instead of asking are you wrong or right, start knowing that you are right when you are right. If her talking to another man bugs you, then you have a right to tell her to stop all contact. Stop always seeing it from her point of view and recognize that your point of view matters.
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Old 02-12-2012, 11:54 PM   #119 (permalink)
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Okay, everybody needs to slow the F down. I thought this was a pro marriage forum. All I am hearing is how this woman is for sure cheating, in the fog, is playing mind games, manipulating, etc, etc.

None of us know if any of that is true or false. Some of you are giving good advice here, but others are ready to throw stones at yet another witch, and we don't know much at all.

Look, Heats of Oak, stop contacting the OM. It's always a bad tactic. He won't listen to you - only her. Deal with your wife only. You've already laid down the gauntlet. She claims the relationship is innocent, but that isn't what matters. What matters is that the relationship bothers you.

Here's what you do. You say, "Honey, look. I know I may be coming across harsh right now, and your relationship with X might very well be innocent. But it still really bothers me, and given what's gone down I am having trouble trusting you. I want to stay married to you and continue our life together, but I can't do that when you are having secret conversations with another man. I have to draw the line for the sake of myself and our marriage. So, even if nothing naughty is going on, I need you to cut ties with him. Hopefully you can respect my feelings and value our marriage more than your conversations with X. So what's it going to be, Doll?"

If she values your marriage enough, she shouldn't hesitate after this plea from you. She might get defensive, but if she does, you just say, "Honey, I understand this might just be an innocent friendship. But I don't care. This is how it has to be. It bothers me that much. So, whaddya say?"
Did that and she refused so see why she hasd to frop the friend..then she had to think about it and then she decided to do it..not sure she will stick to that
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Old 02-13-2012, 01:46 AM   #120 (permalink)
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Did that and she refused so see why she hasd to frop the friend..then she had to think about it and then she decided to do it..not sure she will stick to that
For someone who is supposedly "Just A Friend", she sure has been extremely reluctant about going NC, even seeing how much damage this is causing the marriage.

You see it over and over again, not just on this site, but on all the other infidelity support sites like SI, CC, LS, MB, etc. The four deadliest words to a marriage is "He's/She's Just A Friend".

If she breaks NC, then this is far deeper than you realize.
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