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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-13-2012, 04:02 AM   #121 (permalink)
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Default Re: Infidelity or just innocent

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Originally Posted by Shamwow View Post
Sorry Heats...

Yeah...she's probably been "inappropriate" with this guy for a while now. Who knows the extent, hopefully minimal for your sake. Does she travel for work, or has she been out of town lately for something or other?

She's angry that she got caught...especially since she seems pretty tech savvy, if she knew you had seen the Skype request.

The fact that she claims she's done no wrong in this says either you two have too few boundaries in place in your relationship...or...she is in the fog of affair and will justify her actions in any way possible before admitting what she's been hiding. Or both. Anyway, she wouldn't hide it if she didn't feel it was wrong. It hurts to be lied to.

Tell her it has nothing to do with jealousy/snooping. She's hiding communications with other men from you, she's made an emotional bond with the OM, probably talking about your marriage with him (which she should be doing with you)...and she wants you to feel crazy for being concerned?

Take charge of the situation, don't be angry, don't beg or plead. Just confer to her that you deserve her respect and she isn't giving it to you. Good luck...



This woman is mad she got caught and is not a "good woman" not wife material. If you cant already pick up on the red flags and how she is angry and getting defensive than i do not know what to tell you. She is upset she got caught and instead of think about your feelings is angry. Once again i am left scratching my head as to how two people like this could even marry and than be in such a position.

Best of Luck TS
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Old 02-13-2012, 04:32 AM   #122 (permalink)
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Default Re: Infidelity or just innocent

Just came in after leaving home early this morning (went to my Doctor) spoke a to him a little bit about what was happening, getting my self sorted, appointment with solicitor is booked for thursday, counselling (for me) is hopefully booked for friday, so I am begining to take care of me..noticed that she checked my email (she thinks I rfemoved the keylogger) haha..love it!.. she reviewed the email I sent the OM last night..why would she do this?? she asked me if I wanted to go out with her and the kids..I refused saying that I had things to do she looked gutted...is this cool.??.I am so friggin wired..dont know what to expect..keeping it real for the kids I have..but as for her..time will tell

Last edited by Heats of oak; 02-13-2012 at 04:38 AM.
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Old 02-13-2012, 04:38 AM   #123 (permalink)
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Default Re: Infidelity or just innocent

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Originally Posted by Heats of oak View Post
Just came in after leaving home early this morning (went to my Doctor) spoke a to him a little bit about what was happening, getting my self sorted, appointment with solicitor is booked for thursday, counselling (for me) is hopefully booked for friday, so I am begining to take care of me..noticed that she checked my email (she thinks I rfemoved the keylogger) haha..love it!.. she reviewed the email I sent the OM last night..why would she do this??
Because she wanted to see what you sent him. It's extremely common for WWs to want to PROTECT their OM. Do you see how her behavior shows that this just isn't a friend?

She wouldn't give a damn about what you were sending OM if in fact, this was just a friend from 30 years ago and this was all innocent.
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Old 02-13-2012, 04:41 AM   #124 (permalink)
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Because she wanted to see what you sent him. It's extremely common for WWs to want to PROTECT their OM. Do you see how her behavior shows that this just isn't a friend?

She wouldn't give a damn about what you were sending OM if in fact, this was just a friend from 30 years ago and this was all innocent.
She has not replied to him nor has she sent him any comms yet??
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Old 02-13-2012, 04:52 AM   #125 (permalink)
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Default Re: Infidelity or just innocent

Don't come up with the keylogger trump card every second day. Also maybe she knows her computer is compromised. If so, she will only be doing things that you will find innocent, hence blindside you for now(double bluff, I hope I made sense). You will be comfortable with the keylogger thinking that you have your tabs on her and she cleverly avoids it when making incriminating mails. One WW was using the library computer to send the OM mails. So be on your watch
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Old 02-13-2012, 07:50 AM   #126 (permalink)
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Default Re: Infidelity or just innocent

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Originally Posted by Heats of oak View Post
just one question..could this all just be an over reaction on my behalf?..or am I kidding myself?...I cant see the wood for the trees..sooo confused!!
No. Quite the opposite. You desperately want to wake up form this nightmare. So bad you wish to believe that you are over reacting. Not even close. This is what gaslighting is all about.
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Old 02-13-2012, 07:55 AM   #127 (permalink)
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Normally your wife's refusal to stop contacting the OM would be an indication in and of itself that there is something wrong. What makes it hard to read is that you are so beta and she is so use to pushing you around that I am not sure just how much this OM means to her.

You work a job, she does not yet:
1) You usually make her tea and breakfast every morning.
2) You get the kids up, feed them and get them off to school.
3) You do most of the house work.
Dude, until she gets a job, get her out of bed and have her take care of you, the kids and the house work. It is only fair.

Add to this the fact that after fights she expects you to make nice the next morning and you are a doormat. She has no respect for you and thus your unhappiness with her talking behind your back to the OM means nothing to her. Is it any wonder that you say that she is no longer attracted to you?

Man up now. Lay down the law and then back it up with action not talk. Cut her off financially and take care of all of the bills yourself. Start asserting yourself.

Here is a thought. Instead of asking are you wrong or right, start knowing that you are right when you are right. If her talking to another man bugs you, then you have a right to tell her to stop all contact. Stop always seeing it from her point of view and recognize that your point of view matters.
Being a doormat is not attractive. She is missing something in her life. A strong man. She cannot have respect for someone who does not resepct themselves. So start doing that. Otherwise she is just going to find what she wants elsewhere.
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Old 02-13-2012, 12:37 PM   #128 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Heats of oak View Post
Hey all

slightly confused; is it wrong that my wife wanted to communicate with another man, even though he is a few thousand miles away and is an old friend from 30yrs ago..she left her skype account open a few days back and I noticed that she had a friendship acceptance form this chap, which then prompted me to investigate further, I did the wrong thing and checked her email the next day and saw that she had sent this contact an email informing him that I ad seen the request and it would better to wait for things to calm down before they speak..and if there was anything further he should contact her via her "other" facebook account, she denies having another account and said that it was his..but she can't make a simple mistake with the verb to be being a teacher!
First off, you didn't do the "wrong thing". You trusted your gut, and it was right. She is up to no good.

Second, it is not unacceptable to want to have a friendship, online or otherwise, with the opposite sex. As long as it is just friends with no romantic interests. But its clear there is more to it than that.


Quote:
Anyway we argued and heatedly discussed this, she failed to see that she had done wrong or was about to do wrong, she was never going to tell me she was communicating with this guy when I asked her about it as she says "I am jealous of all her male friends"
Jealousy is an irrational emotion based on not liking a significant other conversing with the opposite sex thinking romantic feelings will arise, when they won't.

Therefore, because she is clearly up to something, you aren't jealous, but justifiably upset and concerned.

She is giving you a reason to not like her "friendships" with other men.

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We are however making headway, I have promised to stop being nosey and leave her email account alone
Just how cheaters like it. You wouldn't have been nosey if she hadn't have been doing things she shouldn't have been doing, like having another FB account she lied to you about so she can have backdoor access to other guys so you won't find out.


Quote:
she has come out of her shell a tad more and is not spending 3hrs on facebook
And I bet you its eating her alive.

Quote:
She also says that she concerned about my lack of trust and that she feels she needs "privacy" and that my jealousy and checking emails has "freaked her out!"
Oh she's good. She is real good.

Ask her what she needs privacy for when conversing with other men.


Quote:
I know I have my issues and am dealing with them, but I think something is not quite right..pls comment!!!
You are right. Something isn't quite right. Its your wife. She wants her privacy so she can get her validation fix with other men, whether online or otherwise.

I don't know what to tell you other than you are in for a rocky road with this woman. She respects nada.
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Old 02-13-2012, 12:39 PM   #129 (permalink)
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Default Re: Infidelity or just innocent

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Also claims I broker her heart when she found out I knew what she sent in her last email to him..
That is the dumbest attempt at turning things around to you I have heard yet.

Her heart wasn't broke. She was pissed she got caught.
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Old 02-13-2012, 12:41 PM   #130 (permalink)
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Default Re: Infidelity or just innocent

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Originally Posted by Heats of oak View Post
just one question..could this all just be an over reaction on my behalf?
No


Quote:
..or am I kidding myself?
Yes


Quote:
...I cant see the wood for the trees..sooo confused!!
Its understandable. Been there done that. I had a temporary lapse of insanity myself. Thats what finding out you have an unfaithful wife can do. I realize you haven't caught her in the real act of anything (sorry, haven't read the whole thread if you stated this one way or another). But what you found was enough. It plays with your mind.

I can tell you straight up, this "wife" of yours is up to no good.
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Old 02-13-2012, 12:47 PM   #131 (permalink)
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Default Re: Infidelity or just innocent

Take steps in a measured way , when she asks to go out ask her if she is prepared to send a no contact letter and go NC for life.

I suggests you use the earliest opportunity to divide the house work and child care, stop being a giver . Your in the very eary days , your wife is a long way from her family and will be alone, with consistancy and firmness you can turn this around. If you push for D there is a high risk you will lose your marriage. You require balance , fight the affair by every means, don't threaten D unless you are prepared to go through with it knowing you may lose your wife. It is very easy to get carried away , think though each step.

The message to your wife is she is in an affair and this is the cause of the issues.

Work on yourself , stop sharing your plans with her learn to keep quiet. Monitor her messages, do not reveal your sources and do not contact the OM . If you are going to do something expose him to his friends and family.

Hold firm and man up in your actions and words.
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Last edited by Eli-Zor; 02-13-2012 at 02:40 PM.
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Old 02-13-2012, 02:12 PM   #132 (permalink)
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Default Re: Infidelity or just innocent

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just one question..could this all just be an over reaction on my behalf?..or am I kidding myself?...I cant see the wood for the trees..sooo confused!!
If it had not gotten inappropriate yet, it was well on its way. Your story is familiar to many of us on here who had a wife with "just a friend" from out of state. Hiding the contact and deceit is the key here. Keep gathering information. Listen to Eli-Zor he helped me bust my wife's online long distance EA last year.
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Old 02-15-2012, 01:50 AM   #133 (permalink)
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After the email I sent the OM he did not reply to me nor indeed to her..and it has been a few days now..when asked about this she simply said that if she had to lose a friend then so be it..
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Old 02-15-2012, 02:45 AM   #134 (permalink)
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Question: Will counsellors not pick up what she has done and what actions she has taken to be those of someone having an EA?
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Old 02-15-2012, 03:27 AM   #135 (permalink)
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Default Re: Infidelity or just innocent

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Question: Will counsellors not pick up what she has done and what actions she has taken to be those of someone having an EA?
Stop with the beta stuff already. It does not matter if the counselor picks it up or not. All that matters is that you know, and you know that she is having an EA. Again, you need to realize that what you think matters. If you do not value what you think, why should your wife?

Also, why are you still seeing a MC when your wife has not broken all contact off with the OM? MC is a waste of time until your spouse commits to the marraige and drops the OM.
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