Infidelity or just innocent
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-11-2012, 03:19 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Infidelity or just innocent

Hey all

slightly confused; is it wrong that my wife wanted to communicate with another man, even though he is a few thousand miles away and is an old friend from 30yrs ago..she left her skype account open a few days back and I noticed that she had a friendship acceptance form this chap, which then prompted me to investigate further, I did the wrong thing and checked her email the next day and saw that she had sent this contact an email informing him that I ad seen the request and it would better to wait for things to calm down before they speak..and if there was anything further he should contact her via her "other" facebook account, she denies having another account and said that it was his..but she can't make a simple mistake with the verb to be being a teacher!

Anyway we argued and heatedly discussed this, she failed to see that she had done wrong or was about to do wrong, she was never going to tell me she was communicating with this guy when I asked her about it as she says "I am jealous of all her male friends" not true..she has other male friends but she does not contact "them" via skype...my issue is not the fact she has male friends, but the way in which she was due to communicate with this particular guy is what negged me out a bit..I removed skype but later re-installed it as she does need to communicate with her family as they are all in Latin America and we have kids together and I really want to make this work for them, well of course my wife and I too.

We are however making headway, I have promised to stop being nosey and leave her email account alone, she has come out of her shell a tad more and is not spending 3hrs on facebook..although I now sleep with "one eye open" she has re-contacted this guy as I said that I could keep her from talking to anybody and I would want to, but I have made it clear that she will not be communicating through skype with this guy. She also says that she concerned about my lack of trust and that she feels she needs "privacy" and that my jealousy and checking emails has "freaked her out!" I know I have my issues and am dealing with them, but I think something is not quite right..pls comment!!!
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Old 02-11-2012, 03:57 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Infidelity or just innocent

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Originally Posted by Heats of oak View Post
she feels she needs "privacy"
No problem. Tell her that privacy is for singles and that's what you plan to let her become soon unless she gets with the program of being married.


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Originally Posted by Heats of oak View Post
saw that she had sent this contact an email informing him that I ad seen the request and it would better to wait for things to calm down before they speak..and if there was anything further he should contact her via her "other" facebook account, she denies having another account and said that it was his
Don't beat around the bush. Tell her that lying and weasel-wording are as bad as cheating in your book and she's got 24 hours to come clean about everything before you assume the worst. Don't let her jerk your chain unless you want her going after this fellow. Show her that you will first be listened to before you will listen.


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I know I have my issues and am dealing with them,
What issues? You don't want your wife running around and talking to other men behind your back. Friend, it's an electronic-communications age and only rubes and babies don't know the dangers of that. Lay down the law.
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Old 02-11-2012, 04:05 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Infidelity or just innocent

Sorry Heats...

Yeah...she's probably been "inappropriate" with this guy for a while now. Who knows the extent, hopefully minimal for your sake. Does she travel for work, or has she been out of town lately for something or other?

She's angry that she got caught...especially since she seems pretty tech savvy, if she knew you had seen the Skype request.

The fact that she claims she's done no wrong in this says either you two have too few boundaries in place in your relationship...or...she is in the fog of affair and will justify her actions in any way possible before admitting what she's been hiding. Or both. Anyway, she wouldn't hide it if she didn't feel it was wrong. It hurts to be lied to.

Tell her it has nothing to do with jealousy/snooping. She's hiding communications with other men from you, she's made an emotional bond with the OM, probably talking about your marriage with him (which she should be doing with you)...and she wants you to feel crazy for being concerned?

Take charge of the situation, don't be angry, don't beg or plead. Just confer to her that you deserve her respect and she isn't giving it to you. Good luck...
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Old 02-11-2012, 04:08 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Infidelity or just innocent

Thanks for that..makes sense. Your right I think its a tad harsh for her to be doing this, could it be a case of lacking any attraction for me which is why she is on FB so much?..that is what I have deducted from this whole thing, we are now getting in much better (intimately) but the need to have this guy as contact is whats bugging me..I have also told her that the emotional energy she would be putting into this contact would quite clearly constitute to "emotional affair". seems that we cant find a mutual ground on this topic and it flairs up to heated discussions..She also thinks it is impossible to have feelings for someone who lives x-amount of miles away...is she really that Naive??
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Old 02-11-2012, 04:09 AM   #5 (permalink)
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All cheaters want their privacy. She lied to you. Wasn't going to tell you. Then tells you she wants her privacy. Its simple lie to her. Keep checking her stuff and install a keylogger on the computer. I will guarantee that if you put a keylogger on it, you will find secret e-mail accounts and further contact.
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Old 02-11-2012, 04:14 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Sorry Heats...

Yeah...she's probably been "inappropriate" with this guy for a while now. Who knows the extent, hopefully minimal for your sake. Does she travel for work, or has she been out of town lately for something or other?

She's angry that she got caught...especially since she seems pretty tech savvy, if she knew you had seen the Skype request.

The fact that she claims she's done no wrong in this says either you two have too few boundaries in place in your relationship...or...she is in the fog of affair and will justify her actions in any way possible before admitting what she's been hiding. Or both. Anyway, she wouldn't hide it if she didn't feel it was wrong. It hurts to be lied to.

Tell her it has nothing to do with jealousy/snooping. She's hiding communications with other men from you, she's made an emotional bond with the OM, probably talking about your marriage with him (which she should be doing with you)...and she wants you to feel crazy for being concerned?

Take charge of the situation, don't be angry, don't beg or plead. Just confer to her that you deserve her respect and she isn't giving it to you. Good luck...
She does not work at the moment and is somewhat depressed by it all and is far from home, wants to remember old friends, needs constant reminders that shes a great person (which I do always tell her). she claims she would never disclose "our" relationship to him (don't believe that for a minute) I have never put pressure on her to get a job as I know first hand the lengthy processes involved and have stressed that it will happen but she needs to keep trying, on the other hand it could all be down to menopause too as she is now + side of 40 so..who knows??.
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Old 02-11-2012, 04:15 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Infidelity or just innocent

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Originally Posted by Shamwow View Post
Sorry Heats...

Yeah...she's probably been "inappropriate" with this guy for a while now. Who knows the extent, hopefully minimal for your sake. Does she travel for work, or has she been out of town lately for something or other?

She's angry that she got caught...especially since she seems pretty tech savvy, if she knew you had seen the Skype request.

The fact that she claims she's done no wrong in this says either you two have too few boundaries in place in your relationship...or...she is in the fog of affair and will justify her actions in any way possible before admitting what she's been hiding. Or both. Anyway, she wouldn't hide it if she didn't feel it was wrong. It hurts to be lied to.

Tell her it has nothing to do with jealousy/snooping. She's hiding communications with other men from you, she's made an emotional bond with the OM, probably talking about your marriage with him (which she should be doing with you)...and she wants you to feel crazy for being concerned?

Take charge of the situation, don't be angry, don't beg or plead. Just confer to her that you deserve her respect and she isn't giving it to you. Good luck...

Why has she hidden the communication with that guy? Red flag. Take care and charge as Shamwow said.
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Old 02-11-2012, 06:46 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Infidelity or just innocent

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She does not work at the moment and is somewhat depressed by it all and is far from home, wants to remember old friends, needs constant reminders that shes a great person (which I do always tell her). she claims she would never disclose "our" relationship to him (don't believe that for a minute) I have never put pressure on her to get a job as I know first hand the lengthy processes involved and have stressed that it will happen but she needs to keep trying, on the other hand it could all be down to menopause too as she is now + side of 40 so..who knows??.
Quit making excuses for her, she's making enough for herself. If she's telling him to cool it for a bit and use another hidden acct, she's in a full blown emotional affair. Thats assuming he has not traveled to your area yet. No you cant trust her get the keylogger on the computer asap.

Have you checked the text records on your phone bill?
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Old 02-11-2012, 06:52 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I have never put pressure on her to get a job
She might not want to get a job, but she'll be giving jobs of various sorts unless you clamp down on this and quick.
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Old 02-11-2012, 07:17 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Infidelity or just innocent

Heats,

It is very simple. She lied to you. You cannot tolerate that type of disrespect.

She has some issues.

Initfor the duration is right. There is more probably going on.

I would keep an eye open. I would also install a keylogger to stay aware of her online activities.

There is no privacy in my marriage of 19 years unless my wife is in the bathrom. We both prefer it that way.

Be smart. trust your gut.

HM64
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Old 02-11-2012, 07:34 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Infidelity or just innocent

if your wife says she wants privacy, you should know that she is up to no good. Well at least that was my ex reason for "privacy". I agree with lascarx, privacy is only for single person. when you are married, you share everything. And I don't think you are being nosy for checking her email. that is what ppl do when they suspect their partner cheating. you have every right to do what you are doing and you should continue doing it.
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Old 02-11-2012, 07:55 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Quit making excuses for her, she's making enough for herself. If she's telling him to cool it for a bit and use another hidden acct, she's in a full blown emotional affair. Thats assuming he has not traveled to your area yet. No you cant trust her get the keylogger on the computer asap.

Have you checked the text records on your phone bill?
I have not..but am sure that I caught in the nick of time..saying that she has gotten back in touch with him..I have also installed a keylogger on the laptop now..how should I approach it? I have mentioned that I am involved in a forum and that I have also sought council and her face dropped a few shades of white I must say..
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Old 02-11-2012, 08:03 AM   #13 (permalink)
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She should be happy for the both of you to share each others passwords to emails phones computers etc. If she doesn't belive in no secrets in a marriage, you have to do what you have to do to get inormation.

The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference
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Old 02-11-2012, 08:12 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Wow - you caught her red handed setting up a way to contact him AND a backup plan to keep it underground AND her warning him on how to handle you being suspicious.

Even it is WASN'T her secret account - you know it was - but if it wasn't here is a guy setting up a secret backdoor communication with your wife.

THEN you let her cower you into agreeing to let it all happen, to let her have secret private communication methods etc.

I highly suspect there has already been inappropriate exchanges with them and they are setting up ways to escalate it. The skype video will likely help them have some fun face-2-face cyber play. So be on the watch for that and be on the watch for him visiting your area or her having to go on a "girls" trip to where he lives.

In short - they ARE doing everything an active affair does.

I don't think you did catch her in the nick of time, I think you caught her doing one part of it. The mistake you made was revealing to her what and how you knew it. Now he and she will take it underground in other ways.

I would in addition to the keylogger, you should put a VAR in her car and near the computer. Since he is in a different time zone, she's likely doing the dirty stuff while your out at work.

At this point you really should assume the worst - that they are having an affair and it's gone underground.

Find out about this old flame - is her married or have a GF. Find their contact info and if there is cheating going on - before you confront your wife - you contact the OMW and tell her what's going on.
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Old 02-11-2012, 08:19 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Wow - you caught her red handed setting up a way to contact him AND a backup plan to keep it underground AND her warning him on how to handle you being suspicious.

Even it is WASN'T her secret account - you know it was - but if it wasn't here is a guy setting up a secret backdoor communication with your wife.

THEN you let her cower you into agreeing to let it all happen, to let her have secret private communication methods etc.

I highly suspect there has already been inappropriate exchanges with them and they are setting up ways to escalate it. The skype video will likely help them have some fun face-2-face cyber play. So be on the watch for that and be on the watch for him visiting your area or her having to go on a "girls" trip to where he lives.

In short - they ARE doing everything an active affair does.

I don't think you did catch her in the nick of time, I think you caught her doing one part of it. The mistake you made was revealing to her what and how you knew it. Now he and she will take it underground in other ways.

I would in addition to the keylogger, you should put a VAR in her car and near the computer. Since he is in a different time zone, she's likely doing the dirty stuff while your out at work.

At this point you really should assume the worst - that they are having an affair and it's gone underground.

Find out about this old flame - is her married or have a GF. Find their contact info and if there is cheating going on - before you confront your wife - you contact the OMW and tell her what's going on.
He is an old school friend from some time ago, lives in South America (where the wife is from) and is not married...I have seen a conversation they had on skype which was innocent..but thats how it all starts..she sent an email to her friend saying that I was jealous that she wanted to contact old friends but failed to mention that she wanted privacy with this guy and that she never told me nor was going to tell me about him..red flag..I think so..
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