BrknHearted

the OWH and I have talked. He has his plan in place and the waiting is killing me. My WS knows I spoke to him and says he won't tell OW, so far he appears to have kept his word. WS is so angry at OW for lying to him all these years - seriously? what did he expect? she was cheating on her husband - even if he was single at the time they started, she was still lying and cheating on her spouse, did he really expect her to be faithful and truthful to him? how stupid was he?

anyways, the OWH is going to confront her this week and it's just a tension filled time. How hard it is for OWH to wait...it's so not fair the situation they put us both in. Will it be nasty? Will she just sign the papers and walk away? Will she call me upset I told him? Will she come to my house? Will she call my WS and ask him to come to her? Will he go?

I fully expect him to be gone by this time next week...his dream is about to be handed to him...he knows this...he says he won't go and that she won't call him...I just don't believe that...why should he stay and work on R if everything he wanted for years is about to be presented to him? everything he risked our marriage for is about to be his for the taking...and i really don't care if he goes...it might be a relief...how bad does that make me? how committed to R am I if I simply don't care if he goes?

and i hate that he's grieving for her and her lies...i hate that i don't want him to hurt...it means he cares for her, which i knew but i don't want to see it...it's some kind of revenge i guess that he feels betrayed by her, but i think i hurt enough for everyone...

NextTimeAround

What's your backstory? How was he able to hide his affair with OW while you two were dating?

BrknHearted

backstory...good word, i'm going to borrow that.

he was simply very good at lying. i had no idea that he had the OW in his life at all, didn't know her, he never mentioned her by name. We spent all our nights together and he was texting her while sitting on the couch next to me, i would ask, he'd show me he was playing solitare...he called/texted her all day long every day and hid it by telling me i was paranoid, he was reading the news or playing solitaire.

he runs a restaurant so he's off during the week. he'd drop my stepsons at school and go meet her at a cheap motel for a couple of hours. he always told me he was doing something else. i trusted him completely. Sure I got suspicious, but I thought maybe there was a drug or gambling issue or something like that...never an A.

our entire relationship - almost 2 years - he has had her in his life. i'm trying to R...we start MC this week...sometimes I just don't know why i'm trying...or if it's really worth it...he married me...and five days later was with her...i'm trying to wrap my head around it and i just can't.

Eli-Zor

This saddens me, I have previously helped a BS who's wayward cheated during courtship, engagement , early years of marriage , pregnancy : he cheated with a married woman who expressed more concern that the BS had outed her to her husband and family than the terrible impact the affair had on the BS .

Your husband has lied to you from day one, while you may think you can still make a good marriage with him you have a mountain in the way. What is your husband going to do to move that mountain. What extraordinary precautions is he going to take to secure your trust. Will he sign a post nup giving you all the monies and assets leaving himself with all the bills .

Your is a worse position than most BS and need to understand that he has to do a significant amount of work to take your relationship forward.

Personaly if you have no children I would walk, he has an innate abily to lie to you, disrespect you as a wife and purposefully was messing around while keeping you in the background. He is a user and abuser and unfortunately your his victim.
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Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Stop right there.
WHY do you want to be in a relationship with someone who would tell you, with a straight face, that you were paranoid, for that length of time? Do you seriously think this is okay? Would you treat someone else like this, ever? Why would you deserve less than what you yourself would give a complete stranger in terms of respect?
I was almost involuntarily committed to a psych hospital for this type of paranoia along with psychotic anxiety, due to a very similar 'backstory'. If you don't want to end up paranoid for real, I'd suggest stepping away from this relationship, getting individual therapy, spending time with people who don't send off those 'paranoia' danger signs you noticed and dismissed at his urging and then see how you feel when you are with him.
It took 2 days in a hospital with a team of psychiatrists, neurologists and other specialists, then a year of therapy, to convince me that I was not crazy and to restore my complete sense of reality, truth and grounding. During this time, I tried to reconcile with my H. It ended because it didn't seem that he could deal with a relationship where I had equal access where I valued my own reality as much as or more than what he had to offer as truth. A house of mirrors is a fun place to visit once in a while, but it's definitely no place to live long-term. A person needs windows, and a floor that's not tilted, a room that doesn't spin, and when they look in a mirror, they need to see what's actually there, not a distorted vision. The framework in which you are making decisions isn't really what it could be, and I have heard and read that starting marriage counseling with someone who has been abusive like calling you paranoid when you question truth, and been cheating and lying all along...is just going to use marriage counseling to their advantage, quoting things out of context and figuring out how further to maintain the balance of power in the relationship. That's what it seems to be all about, someone else having control over your perceptions of life and truth, so that every single decision or thought you have is questioned as to your sanity. Solitaire! Yes, that's a good analogy. He was in a game for one, one in which only he could win, because he never even dealt you a hand. He left you out of play, to be the Joker in his one-person solitaire game.

Here's a question for you to consider. How do you know that your H did not know all along that the OW was lying to her husband? Is it possible that he had her in a position of power too? Don't stop getting together with me, or I will tell your H and you will lose everything, kind of thing? Someone who would tell his own wife that she's paranoid (crazy), why do you think he would be in a relationship with another woman where he was at a disadvantage of some sort? Personally, I think he is lying about the situation. I think he is play acting about being deceived by her so that he will have your sympathy. I wouldn't say for sure, but given his prior use of your truth to his advantage, and the duration and extent of that sort of behavior, I would tread very carefully in accepting any of what your H says to be truth, including marriage therapy. At the very least, you deserve to go to IC first to figure out why you dismissed your concerns and allowed your husband to make an assessment of you as 'paranoid'. (Yes, I AM a pot and I am calling the kettle black.)

BrknHearted

I don't know what to do to be honest. We have 3 children between us and I have been his children's second mom for long enough that this is going to destroy them. I wanted to make sure they got into counseling before I left - in case I left and they have just this past week started. I'm also one of those people who sacrifices everything for everyone else. I know it's not right, but I wanted to be able to look my three children in the eyes and say "i tried. I failed but I tried"...I didn't want to walk away without feeling like I took my time to make my decisions and tried. It's only 6 weeks since D-Day and he has done everything I've asked except write the NC letter. He says its too late and it will start her up. I see no contact anywhere.

However - seriously? how does one get past all this? I don't think i can. Truly don't think I can. I told him the other day that I will not ever forget, I don't want to live the rest of my life thinking about it, or worrying about him doing it again. i don't want to live my life angry.

golfergirl

I wouldn't try and reconcile. It's total deception from the get-go, not a long-term marriage gone wrong and mistakes being made. It's someone rotten to the core and living a farce. Put your work into a quality human being with morals. This one is flawed beyond repair.
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happyman64

And that may be one of the reasons why you have to leave.

I would not want to live my life angry. If he will not do a NC letter that is probably a dealbreaker.

Collect your child and move on. If he has been cheating this long all you are is a glorified baysitter for his kids.

You know what he is. A liar and a cheater.

You deserve better! Go find it.....

BrknHearted

HNU - I don't think it's ok. In fact, that's what drove me to contact the OWH - I could not stand to let him live the way I had. If he had been treated the same way - turned out he had and now he knows.

H did know that the OW was lying to her husband, and yes, absolutely there was quite a bit of power-playing going on between the two of them, he threatened to tell on her, she threatened to tell on him, etc. This sick twisted thing between the two of them became so out of control. I don't really care any more.

What I meant about the lies is that the OW told WS that her husband was sick and dying (cancer), that she was sick and dying (leukemia)...all in all a very very sad story is what I was told. Once I spoke to OWH I found out it was not what it appeared, no cancer, early stage illnesses and treatable aside from some medicine. No one was dying. When WS and I talked about my conversation with the OWH he was horrified to find out she had been telling him lies. He said she had no reason to lie to him, he was single when he was dating her. He's feeling betrayed and lied to....imagine that.

Eli-Zor

Imagine that!!! he is horrified she lied to him, yet he lied to you while he courted you and married you . No one forced him to carry on the affair when he met you, he consciously made the decision to continue to cheat on YOU.
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2nd_t!me iz_best

but you didnt fail...
he failed you and the children since day one.

you NEVER had the relationship you thought you had.
the whole thing was a fraud from the beginning.

i feel very bad for you.
i dont see anything to repair really, since there really was nothing to begin with as far as he is concerned.

__________________
LadyFrogFlyAway is a free frog
she is off the banned wagon.

BrknHearted

i just get stuck on the whole "for better or worse" thing...what kind of a spouse am I if I bail now? he may not have meant his vows, but I meant mine.

my family and friends are split 50-50 on me staying and going...obviously they support my decisions but surprisingly so many of them have had to deal with infidelity in their marriages. who knew so many people did this?

of course, not many can say their husband lied from the beginning...

2nd_t!me iz_best

[QUOTE=BrknHearted;586183
...what kind of a spouse am I if I bail now? [/QUOTE]

the smart kind?

i think there is hope in a lot of situations and things should be checked from every angle to see if things can be worked out.

there is no foundation here to even begin to build on.

__________________
LadyFrogFlyAway is a free frog
she is off the banned wagon.

Shaggy

You're a good person, and of course you absolutely meant your vows - but he committed fraud. The person and relationship you where vowing to be with never actually existed. It was a total lie from the start.

Even now it sounds like he is more broken up by her lies than he is the he has been a cheater for your entire courtship and marriage.

Do you see and understand where is loyalty lies? He is upset at her betrayal.