A few years back, I got to know a guy thru a job I had one day per week. We talked a little at first, getting to know each other better as time went on. We called each other and had nice talks. He was going thru a divorce and I think he just needed someone to talk to. I would have to say we had an emotional affair?? My husband found out and we fought and decided to stay together. We have been fighting a lot lately and last weekend he brought up "my boyfriend." Will he ever forget about this? I'm sure he is having trust issues with me right now, as communication and sex are little and fights are abundant. Will he ever trust me again? Or should we put an end to this drama?
Tell him that if he brings up "the boyfriend" again, you're out of there.
It may have been an EA (from what little you've describe it) but there's nothing wrong with being a friend that someone can lean on a bit during troubled times.
From your description, that's what it was and your H bringing it up again and again is him acting like a little kid. As for him forgetting/remembering - it depends on how HE saw the relationship. Maybe that's something you two need to talk about. Calmly!
Why are there trust issues? Because you supported your friend when he was down? Personally, I'd be glad that my wife/GF/SO was that much of a friend to someone.
My husband is EXTREMELY jealous, especially if I talk to guys, or even his buddies. It is the ONLY time he won't leave my side. And when our conversation is over, he'll usually say, you shouldn't talk about that with them. It can be anything. He is very controlling and doesn't trust easily.
He has ALWAYS been very possessive and jealous, from day one. He doesn't trust me, IMP, but I have not given him reason to since the EA. No phone calls, contact, no weight loss, nothing. I've just noticed recently, since the lack of sex, really. I'm just confused by the comment that came out of the blue. If he can't forgive and forget, is there any point in moving forward still married? I don't want to live under a microscope the rest of my life! And in my defense, if I had been getting the attention that I needed from him, the EA wouldn't have happened!
Ya you sound like my husband I hate reading it but I am probably doing this to him you know. But you are right it sucks and it makes you pull away. I am sorry I dont know what to say I need this advice myself.
What you have described here is not an EA, but maybe there is more to it. As human beings we feel the need to help and support someone who is in pain. Now on the other end if you were confiding in him where you wouldn't your husband and that relationship became so important to you to affect your marriage then maybe it is an EA. Understanding why it happened is important, you mentioned you are not getting what you want and need. Have you talked to him about it? A jealous and possessive husband is one who is also very insecure. Try talking to him in a non-confrontational way, start sentences with "I..." rather than you. Don't accuse but do tell him how you feel and when he talks to you, listen, don't get defensive. If you want to make it work communication is the key. Will he ever forget an affair? No. You don't forget, but he does need to forgive. That's not to say the person who has the affair should say get over it... but he's actually throwing it at you as a weapon. I have been the spouse that was hurt when my husband had an affair and because I do want to work it out I never throw it at him that way. True there were a few conversations in which I did express that kind of anger, I needed to do that and he needed to see how badly he hurt me. But he is trying to make up for it every day, seeing that makes me not want to throw it in his face although now we are getting to a point of discussing it so that we can repair. If he can't do that, then I agree its no fun living with someone who throws that in your face, it means he has not forgiven you. On the other side, if he wants to talk about it respectfully, I agree you should be transparent and help him through it.
What's done is done. I believe he has forgiven you, but he still need to deal with his emotions on this ordeal.
Big mistakes, small mistakes - it happens along the path of marriage and the way to move forward is to forgive and forgive...
Putting your EA aside, I sense your hubby may need to strengthen his self-security and outlook of himself. Work on this if you can.
The way to go is forward; discuss with him what both of you can do together to maximize love, fun, fulfillment - new purposes. Sometimes, after a long marriage, the objectivity dies down and only the routine activities keep the marraige together which is a waste.
OMG you've done nothing wrong! He sounds like he's the one who has personal issues to deal with. Possesiveness, jealousy... shall I go on? Relationships with others in my opinion are healthy, he can't possibly expect you to be " all eyes on him" at all times. After all you are married NOT BURRIED! As long as you know that you were only being a friend to this man, then that's all that should matter and as for your husband , he needs to get over it!
Just a quick thought here, after reading some other threads........What about him looking at porn when I'm not around, knowing I absolutely HATE that he does it? I can tell when he does, cuz he will come to bed and want to try off the wall stuff. Is he imagining that I am the gal he saw? Isn't that kinda being unfaithful as well?
I personally don't see it as being unfaithful - I think you actually have to have some sort of interaction with the other person (other than watching a video of them) in order for it to enter the realm of potential unfaithfulness.
That being said - if you have a problem with him watching porn (some wives do - i don't) then that is a seperate issue to bring up with him - but I don't think its related to unfaithfullness and you shouldn't approach it that way with him while discussing it.