I'm stuck. I'm pretty sure my husband is still withholding info from me. He's just not budging and we're five months into his confession of a ONS that happened nine years ago. He blames this on my HPV I had a few years back instead of the EA he had that also ended three years ago. I know, I know... He just is so adament he has now come clean since telling me about the ONS, which given what he told me doesn't really jive with the HPV, either (oral sex). Anyway, I've threatened the polygragh, he's reading books for me, going to counseling, telling me he's sorry, loves me, being more affectionate... That's all great, but how do you move forward when you have nagging doubts? I feel confident he has matured and is a different person than he was before, last few years had been nice - until the $&@! hit the fan. He defintely acknowledges he took me for granted and is trying to be more romantic again. I guess my question is how do you give in and enjoy an attempt to rekindle the relationship when you know and/or feel not everything has been told? I don't know if he's scared to come completely clean or what... MC and IC said I may never know the full truth, this eats at me. Why is he so adament?!? And even if there's a small chance he has come clean (HA!), do you always doubt and worry? He gets angry when I question him cause he says he's told me the truth now and says he's frustrated at this point. I think he gets angry cause he knows he's still guilty? Posted via Mobile Device
I can only give you the perspective from my marriage. My wife had her affair 20 years ago. We went through the entire R process yet I still question her sometimes about certain things. A few years ago we were talking about something that had to do with her affair and she said something that I felt conflicted with what she had said before. We went around and around for a bit until she finally simply said that it had been so long ago and she had tried so hard to forget that she honestly couldn't remember the details. I was a little pissed off as you well might imagine but eventually I realized that I had to choose to believe her. After all her actions for the last 20 years has shown that she is committed to me and to us. Sometimes you just have to make a decision to believe or not.
I knew he had gotten too close to a coworker and I tested positive to HPV around that same time. I begged him for several years to confess to an affair, but he kept telling me it wasn't romantic or physical in nature, more she was his best friend at work. Finally after years of worrying about her and a made up kiss story with a stranger out of town I threatened him with a polygragh. He broke down after some bluffing and told me one night it had to have come from a drunken blowjob he got out of town after a work party, there was never any kissing. He then left the house, only to text me later how he never wanted to hurt me or the kids. I told him to come home, but after a few weeks I started questioning the confession. He has been holding onto this confession for five INTENSE months now. Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks Beowulf. I guess it's like this - he's not gonna come completely clean, maybe for fear it would end all chances? He claims that is why he never told me, cause it was a bad mistake and he didn't want our marriage to end. I do believe he's committed to our marriage and our family now. I do believe he wants to be in love again, what I don't believe is the past. This is old stuff we're dealing with, it makes it all very difficult. Do I leave him for old mistakes, ignore the past few years that were good? It's almost like he had a mid life crisis? We married very young. I dunno, I'm pretty sure he had intercourse with someone at some point - either the ONS or the "friendship". I just can't seem to accept I'll never know the truth. Counseling only frustrates me more... They say what would I do if I knew more? It's in the past, this is very hard.
Thanks Beowulf. I guess it's like this - he's not gonna come completely clean, maybe for fear it would end all chances? He claims that is why he never told me, cause it was a bad mistake and he didn't want our marriage to end. I do believe he's committed to our marriage and our family now. I do believe he wants to be in love again, what I don't believe is the past. This is old stuff we're dealing with, it makes it all very difficult. Do I leave him for old mistakes, ignore the past few years that were good? It's almost like he had a mid life crisis? We married very young. I dunno, I'm pretty sure he had intercourse with someone at some point - either the ONS or the "friendship". I just can't seem to accept I'll never know the truth. Counseling only frustrates me more... They say what would I do if I knew more? It's in the past, this is very hard.
I completely understand what you are feeling. My wife came clean and answered every question as many times as I wanted to ask. But it was all fresh in her mind then. Maybe your husband is foggy on the details or maybe he feels that the more it's talked about the harder it will be to reconcile. In regards to how much detail you want to know everyone is different. I wanted to know everything. Some BS here don't want too many details. It's up to you what you want to know and how much glossing over you will tolerate.
Well, the blowjob has been very difficult to deal with. Yet, it eats at me wanting to know the full truth. I want to know what was going on in our marriage even though I know it might kill me. Sick, I know. Like if he was with his coworker it would destroy me, yet I want to know what he did to me. Does that make sense? I wonder if he told me it was only a blowjob and when he saw my reaction he knew he couldn't tell me more?
Well, the blowjob has been very difficult to deal with. Yet, it eats at me wanting to know the full truth. I want to know what was going on in our marriage even though I know it might kill me. Sick, I know. Like if he was with his coworker it would destroy me, yet I want to know what he did to me. Does that make sense? I wonder if he told me it was only a blowjob and when he saw my reaction he knew he couldn't tell me more?
You are in a different situation than most because from what you say he's done everything right in order to reconcile with you. Hypothetically speaking, if he told you more and it was a lot worse than he has admitted would you stay with him? He may think that his actions speak louder than words. If you agree that he has done everything necessary maybe you can offer him amnesty if he tells you the entire truth. Example, say in front of a MC that regardless of what he says you know he is a good man, has done and continues to do all that is required and you will continue to work on the marriage. Give him one opportunity to come completely clean and say that if you ever find out more than he's admitted to you will end the marriage on the spot.
On the other hand if he tells you something that you know will cause you to end the marriage here and now you know why he isn't coming clean. It's your choice on how you handle it.
My WS says she remembers 4 times having sex with the OM and the the fifth time they were going to have sex I busted them by calling her on the phone. My son and I were tracking her by this time. I know for a fact that she was with him 7 times. I know the times, dates, locations, etc. I can give her all the details of what she did prior and what she did afterwards to meeting up with the OM. It is like I was freaken there. I have made it clear that I want her to remember and yet I get the I don't remember, I want to forget it, it is all becoming a fog, etc from her. She claims that she was never with him past 9:00 P.M. (since he had to go to work early in the morning) yet I know for a fact that she once dropped him off at 10:45 P.M. and one other time at 10:30 P.M. I showed her some of my information. Yet she still states she does not remember being out that late. She says she knows that this is important to me but she claims to not remember and she says she will not lie about it. She knows if she lies I will go nuts.
It makes no sense to me that she does not remember. What she has told me I have been able to verify. It just drives me nuts that she does not remember two of the times and the late nights. Perhaps she does want to put it in the past and wants to forget the whole thing. She says she feels like a piece of **** for doing what she did and wants to move forward.
Me - I want to get everything out in the open so I can move forward.
At least my WS will talk to me just about anytime I want to talk to her about it and I let her know my frustration with her not remembering some of the dates and times.
Honestly, she has nothing to lose if she tells me everything, but she has everything to lose if I find out she lied to me or held stuff back. My WS has had some memory issues over the years, but over time the memories come back to her. I told her that she needs to work on remembering this stuff if she really wants to help me move forward.
Ya, I've tried that. I'm at my wits end. I told him now is the time to come clean while we're down. I told him if I work thru this and something comes out later it will be the end of our marriage. He still didn't budge. Just said he understood that and there was nothing left to come out. He is trying, just nothing adds up. I think at this point he's just too afraid. I mean, he kept the ONS from me for NINE years!!! We saw The Vow this weekend. It upset him and he had to walk out. I asked him later about it and he said it was overwhelming, that he knew I'd never think of him as my knight in shining armor ever again. Sad thing is, he's right.
My WS says she remembers 4 times having sex with the OM and the the fifth time they were going to have sex I busted them by calling her on the phone. My son and I were tracking her by this time. I know for a fact that she was with him 7 times. I know the times, dates, locations, etc. I can give her all the details of what she did prior and what she did afterwards to meeting up with the OM. It is like I was freaken there. I have made it clear that I want her to remember and yet I get the I don't remember, I want to forget it, it is all becoming a fog, etc from her. She claims that she was never with him past 9:00 P.M. (since he had to go to work early in the morning) yet I know for a fact that she once dropped him off at 10:45 P.M. and one other time at 10:30 P.M. I showed her some of my information. Yet she still states she does not remember being out that late. She says she knows that this is important to me but she claims to not remember and she says she will not lie about it. She knows if she lies I will go nuts.
It makes no sense to me that she does not remember. What she has told me I have been able to verify. It just drives me nuts that she does not remember two of the times and the late nights. Perhaps she does want to put it in the past and wants to forget the whole thing. She says she feels like a piece of **** for doing what she did and wants to move forward.
Me - I want to get everything out in the open so I can move forward.
At least my WS will talk to me just about anytime I want to talk to her about it and I let her know my frustration with her not remembering some of the dates and times.
Honestly, she has nothing to lose if she tells me everything, but she has everything to lose if I find out she lied to me or held stuff back. My WS has had some memory issues over the years, but over time the memories come back to her. I told her that she needs to work on remembering this stuff if she really wants to help me move forward.
It sounds to me like she is repressing some memories. It may be that she doesn't want admit to anything more than she already has but it also may be that there are certain memories that her mind has blocked out for one reason or another. An affair is a huge traumatic event for everyone. Trauma can cause the mind to repress certain memories. Does she have abuse issues in the past? Many abuse survivors have learned to block memories rather well without them even knowing they're doing it. Blocking memories gets easier for the mind the more times it is done. She may need IC in order to find out why she is repressing memories if that is indeed what is happening.
Repression of memories could be the reason. No abuse in her past. Her IC told her that I am out of line for asking her about these dates. Her IC might be correct but I told my WS that I could care less about what anyones says, that I want her to remember and that is something I need.
I have reached a point that I do understand that she is suffering as well. But her IC seems like she will not go there as far as the memories are concerned.
Repression of memories could be the reason. No abuse in her past. Her IC told her that I am out of line for asking her about these dates. Her IC might be correct but I told my WS that I could care less about what anyones says, that I want her to remember and that is something I need.
I have reached a point that I do understand that she is suffering as well. But her IC seems like she will not go there as far as the memories are concerned.
It sounds like you have to decide what is more important to you. Her remembering the details that seems to be holding you back or going forward with the reconciliation. I know IC is private but does she tell you what she has been working on during her sessions?
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How do you move forward when you still doubt? 
