Valentine’s Day excitement is upon us, a time when people’s thoughts turn to romance, flowers, candle-lit dinners — and cheating?
Though this may risk spoiling the holiday, I’ve got to say it: A lot of people in relationships cheat. My in-depth interviews with 120 straight and gay undergraduate men in Britain and the United States, as well as broader research into monogamy, have shown that people are unfaithful more often than not. As we munch on heart-shaped chocolate, let’s take another look at what we’ve wrongly assumed about fidelity.
1. Cheating and affairs are more common among the rich and less common in conservative cultures.
From golf star Tiger Woods to Republican presidential contender Newt Gingrich, cheating seems commonplace among famous and wealthy men. But although studies have found that the more money and celebrity men have, the more likely they are to cheat, cheating is hardly the domain of just the rich and famous. In fact, according to Boston College economist Donald Cox, poorer women are more likely to cheat than wealthy women.
Nor do more socially conservative times erase infidelity. America today may seem more sexually relaxed than in the buttoned-down years immediately following World War II, yet pioneering research by Alfred Kinsey found that married men cheated at rates of around 50 percent.In 1953, Kinsey showed that 26 percent of married women had also been unfaithful. Estimates today find married men cheating at rates between 25 percent and 72 percent. Given that many people are loath to admit that they cheat, research on cheating may underestimate its prevalence. But it appears that cheating is as common as fidelity.
2. If you really love your partner, you’ll remain faithful.
Perhaps one of the most tragic misconceptions about cheating is that people stray because they have fallen out of love with their partners. We are taught to value fidelity as the litmus test of a relationship and conditioned to feel victimized if someone cheats on us. But my research shows that young men don’t cheat because they have fallen out of love with their partners. Rather, they cheat simply because they desire sex with someone else, even if they want to preserve their relationship.
I found that, though 78 percent of the men I interviewed had cheated on their current partner, only a handful said they cheated because they were near the end of their emotional relationships. And women may respond to similar pressures: According to a 1999 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 68 percent of female undergraduates also cheat. (Whether they cheat for sexual or emotional reasons remains unclear.)
3. We generally agree on what counts as cheating.
In Kinsey’s day, the meaning of cheating was simpler — it involved physical contact with another person. But today, the Internet and its democratization of pornography not only make yesterday’s stigmatized bedroom activities seem mundane but also force us to ask what defines cheating. A few erotic text messages? Former congressman Anthony Weiner’s lewd pics? What about a live Internet sex show, or “camming” — online sex via webcam?
I’ve found little agreement on what counts as cheating among today’s youth. “If you’re just in some chat room [masturbating], and you are watching other people you’re chatting with, that’s not really cheating, is it?” one of my participants said. “You’re not actually doing anything with them. It’s just fantasy.”
Others disagreed. One said, “It doesn’t matter whether it’s just chat or camming, you’re cheating.” Unsure about what form of cybersex might upset a partner, the strategy of almost all of the men I interviewed, gay or straight, was don’t ask, don’t tell.
4. Your partner won’t stray as long as you keep your sex life exciting.
If you’re in a relationship, spicing up the physical intimacy won’t prevent cheating. Worse, buying into this myth makes the wronged individuals blame themselves for their partner’s infidelity.
For most people, monogamy does not necessarily provide a lifetime of sexual contentment. This is perhaps particularly true for youth who have grown up in a pornified culture; men in my study found themselves increasingly less interested in sex with their partners as months passed. Within two years, almost all of my subjects had cheated. “At the start I wasn’t cheating on her,” one explained. “But it felt like I was getting the same old thing. I just needed some other sex.”
5. Most married people don’t cheat.
In a 1991 study, sex researcher Shere Hite found that 70 percent of married women have cheated on their partners; a 1993 follow-up study found that 72 percent of married men have as well. According to a 2004 University of Chicago study, 25 percent of married men have had at least one extramarital affair. And with more than 12 million members looking for extramarital intimacy on Web site ****************** (tagline: “Life is short. Have an affair.”), it’s easier than ever to break marriage vows. A wedding ring is not insurance against cheating.
Although society cherishes monogamy, the expectation of exclusive sexual activity is unsustainable for most couples. We may need to investigate other relationship models: open arrangements, or what sex columnist Dan Savage calls “monogamish” relationships, in which couples have flings, affairs or threesomes. These ways of loving, along with polyamorous relationships and even singlehood, should be as equally valued in our culture as monogamy. Only when men and women are able to make sexual choices free of stigma will people be honest with their partners about their desires.
In a 1991 study, sex researcher Shere Hite found that 70 percent of married women have cheated on their partners; a 1993 follow-up study found that 72 percent of married men have as well. According to a 2004 University of Chicago study, 25 percent of married men have had at least one extramarital affair. And with more than 12 million members looking for extramarital intimacy on Web site ****************** (tagline: “Life is short. Have an affair.”), it’s easier than ever to break marriage vows. A wedding ring is not insurance against cheating.
Is that study for real?
70% of people in marriages have cheated?
Am I reading that wrong?
I`ve got to stop coming to this board.
Jelly your post makes me want to put a VAR in my wifes car for no other reason!
70% of people in marriages have cheated?
Am I reading that wrong?
I`ve got to stop coming to this board.
Jelly your post makes me want to put a VAR in my wifes car for no other reason!
That wording is pretty loose. Does that mean cheated on their existing partners, or cheated on a partner at some point in their life. The context suggests the former, but it would not be the first time a reporter missed the point of a study. It is also so different than the other study that listed 25% that I have to wonder about the sample selected.
70% of people in marriages have cheated?
Am I reading that wrong?
I`ve got to stop coming to this board.
Jelly your post makes me want to put a VAR in my wifes car for no other reason!
Keith E Rice - The Sex Reports Methodology
Hite uses an individualistic research method. Thousands of responses from anonymous questionnaires were used as a framework to develop a discourse on human responses to gender and sexuality. Her conclusions derived from these questionnaire data have met with methodological criticism. The fact that her data are not probability samples raises concerns about whether the sample data can be generalised to relevant populations. As is common with surveys concerning sensitive subjects, such as sexual behaviour, the proportion of nonresponse is typically large. Thus the conclusions derived from the data may not represent the views of the population under study because of bias due to nonresponse. Hite supporters defend her methodology by saying that it is more likely to get to the truth of women's sexuality than studying women engaged in prostitution as if they were exemplary of women in general or to study in laboratory conditions women who claim to orgasm during coitus.
Hite has been praised for her theoretical fruitfulness in sociological research. The suggestion of bias in some of Hite's studies is frequently used as a talking point in university courses where sampling methods are discussed.
Although society cherishes monogamy, the expectation of exclusive sexual activity is unsustainable for most couples. We may need to investigate other relationship models: open arrangements, or what sex columnist Dan Savage calls “monogamish” relationships, in which couples have flings, affairs or threesomes. These ways of loving, along with polyamorous relationships and even singlehood, should be as equally valued in our culture as monogamy. Only when men and women are able to make sexual choices free of stigma will people be honest with their partners about their desires.
So the take away from this article is above and beyond the outrageous numbers quoted. The conclusion is that monogamy is a farce and unsustainable by couples in general and that we may need to consider other alternatives ... As is it the honest thing to do. Being free of stigma.
No agenda here. Probably a big boost for that website just from the article. Was this an advertisement?
68 percent of those coeds cheat but when they get married the cheating moves up to 70%. Wow. Girls Night Out anyone? Just kidding. The numbers are all over the place. I think you can get high numbers depending on what counts as cheating and by the sample of people you are using. Yet other studies say 10% of married women have cheated.
The question you should be asking is not: 'Am I paranoid' but: 'Am I paranoid enough?'
hahahaha.
Or perhaps the question is "It's not IF I'm going to be cheated on but WHEN? So many stories here where a couple have been married for 20, 30 years and then WHAM!
There's too much variances on all the different studies out there. Besides, if we worry too much about our partners cheating, we'll never enjoy our time together...
Really, the only way to go is to be good to one another and hope for the best...
Love is a conscious choice just as cheating is a conscious choice. It's never an accident or a 'mistake'
I've yet to see a man, married to another woman, accidentally fall over a woman, married to another man, and his penis gets thrusted into her vagina. Then he saying to her "Hey! Your vagina swallowed my penis!" and she saying to him "Hey! Your penis is inside my vagina", then both of them saying at the same time "Hey this feels great". It's never a Reese's peanut butter cup situation folks
I agree...I can't predict the future, and I'm not perfect, but I really really HOPE, that if I'm ever faced with the decision of whether or not to cheat - that this time, I'll make the right choice.
While I'm hoping, I may as well hope that life never thrusts me down this particular road again, because I already know where it ends!
I don't think cheating has anything to do with love in a lot of cases. Sex does not = love. I love my husband but my vibrator gives me orgasms - I certainly don't love my husband any less because of that. If it was a penis in the flesh attached to a man, it isn't such a leap to say I still love my husband but I just wanted a bit of extra sex on the side.
And same with EA's. I have three kids and I love them all. Why couldn't I also love two or more men romantically?
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5 Myths About Cheating - WashingtonPost 
