I've been lurking for a while and I've come to really value all the points of view from everyone around here. I need some outside perspective on something here:
WW and I have been married 5.5 years (involved for 12+). Our relationship grew from lovers, to best friends, to partners and confidants. We really do care very deeply for each other.
Flash forward:
About 5 weeks ago I exposed a PA (it devastated me) between my WW and her co-worker (who happens to also be a co-owner of her business and one of my close friends). We were really stuck in limbo for 5 weeks - WW was deep in "the fog" - it was very difficult on me (not sleeping, lost 8 pounds, etc.), until Saturday (I learned they started an EA underground after I exposed the PA) when, after reading and re-reading all the different stories and advice here - my alpha came out. I finally stood up for myself, reclaimed my self-respect and my voice in our relationship and threatened to walk away from her forever, plain and simple, because I was no longer going to stand for being disrespected (I usually had been mostly beta in our relationship, with maybe a touch of omega; rarely alpha) and be in a three-person marriage. I just wasn't going to tolerate any of this anymore - I mean I leaned into her real hard that night and put the whole relationship and our friendship on the line.
It seemed to bust her out of her fog. Now she's doing and saying things that she's never done or said before (as best I can remember) over the course of our relationship. She's also since been reading the book After The Affair, which she says has really helped her get clarity into what needs to be done. Today she sent me a valentine's day card (I never got one from her before), and she also apparently talked to the AP (who works in the office next to her), and as far as I can tell (I'll find out more tonight) set him straight about the EA that had been continuing since I exposed the PA about five weeks ago. She's even saying how devastated she would be if I was not in her life.
I know you guys don't yet have all the details of our lengthy history together, but just from this surface description, what do you think? I've heard the words (which I discount to some degree because I can't trust them), but I'm seeing real actions too. Temporary reaction to try to draw me back in to keep cakeeating, or the start down a recovery path? I know there is still an enormous amount of work to be done in front of us to get to real recovery.
Thanks in advance for your insight and advice about this?
My first thought is that as long as she has ANY contact with the OM their affair will never be over and you will always be in a three way marriage. You can never recover your marriage with him in the picture.
My first thought is that as long as she has ANY contact with the OM their affair will never be over and you will always be in a three way marriage. You can never recover your marriage with him in the picture.
This is very true. She will back slide on a regular basis.
All I can say is that yes you can be snapped out of a fog, yes you can realize what a mistake you've made, and yes you can repair the damage. See my stories.
If she is truly sorry and over him, it may work for the two of you. If she is not over him and is just blowing smoke up your butt, you'll find out soon enough.
Trust, but verify.
Sorry,it's not logical to think it went from PA to EA,even without their daily proximity to one another.More likely still PA.
I think going from PA to EA/PA can happen. There was physical attraction, so the f*cked in the office for awhile, then later, feelings developed. Not sure how that happens and the f*cking stops though.
This is a big mess. His WW and the OM own a business together. Not easy to just "get another job". There will have to be a change in corporate structure, a buyout, etc. It won't be easy. But that said, there's no way they can continue to run a business together after this, AND have the marriage stay intact. NO. F*CKING. WAY.
This one hits home because my brother in law owns a business with a female partner. They are both married. Also my best friend owns a business with a female partner. Both married. Nothing has happened in either of their cases, but geez....
I think going from PA to EA/PA can happen. There was physical attraction, so the f*cked in the office for awhile, then later, feelings developed. Not sure how that happens and the f*cking stops though.
Thanks.You did a better job of clarifying the point I was trying to make.I couldn't see it going from Pa to strictly EA,but for some reason the husband can.
My first thought is that as long as she has ANY contact with the OM their affair will never be over and you will always be in a three way marriage. You can never recover your marriage with him in the picture.
Beowulf, I agree with you. This is a point I was planning on addressing with her. The affair environment has to change if there is any chance of reconciliation. I plan on talking to her about this ASAP. Getting him off the island is harder though because it requires the agreement of others to do it. My WW basically is the rainmaker but it is a small group of people and the others rely on her for their $$$. The others don't know about the affair. Posted via Mobile Device
She changes jobs or you lose your marriage, take your pick. Posted via Mobile Device
Yes, this is something that I know has to happen. Either he goes or she goes. It is the only real way to move forward. I agree with you. Posted via Mobile Device
Sorry,it's not logical to think it went from PA to EA,even without their daily proximity to one another.More likely still PA.
That is something I've considered. I don't trust what I hear right now. She has said that she cut off the PA in January, but it would be easy for them to have continued it given their work scenario. Posted via Mobile Device
I guess I'd be concerned about the "talked to the AP and set him straight" part.
This just happened today so I'm going to find out (as best I can) what happened today (and I'll only believe some of it), but it will provide a segue into the more fundamental point, like their break needs to be unequivocal and final. She cannot give him any hope or leave the door open to him.**She must cut off all contact outside work. *If our marriage has any chance to succeed, she needs to be clear with him that it is over and there is no chance of restarting. *It's not just the affair that she has to end but the relationship in total. *No more friendship, no more texts or emails, no more phone calls, no more lunches or personal interactions.* She must do everything that she can to remove herself from the situation.* She never allows herself to be alone with him again.* Never.* She does everything possible to not see him or engage in a relationship of any sort.* She does not allow for temptation.* She does not keep it going in her heart.* It is over.* Done.* Finished. Posted via Mobile Device
Need some perspective here... 
