SweetAndSour

My wife had sex with anybody who asked for it. I literally asked this question to her and she had to think if she has ever refused anyone. She refused only one man who asked directly for sex without first introducing himself (if he'd know how easy she is). Other than that every one fvcked her, old friend, ex boyfriend, guys in the bar, coworker....... everyone.

In my case downgrading or upgrading is irrelavent.

Now I can see that my wife, herself, was a downgrade for everybody whom she involved with.

keko

Ouch.

LoveMyKids80

In my opinion (and the opinion all of my friends and family - even his) she is a downgrade. At the time, probably an upgrade as she was thinner and younger. I was heavier at the time (from my last kid) when the affair began but after finding out and all the bullsh*t I had to deal with, I am now thinner than her - HA! Of course she'll always be younger, but that doesn't matter. She has no kids of her own and I know someday she'll want them. He will not be giving them to her (fixed and doesn't want anymore). I think the reason my STBXH had the affair was because he lacked self-esteem and wasn't getting the ego boost at home. Also because we were living at my P's at the time and it was hard to have 'alone time' with two kids and parents roaming about. He didn't get that. We were going to have our own home in a month, just couldn't wait that long even though I had a talk with him about it. From snooping, I found this email (pretty much says why):

(My STBXH to the wh*ore) "my wife has been reading "save your marriage" stuff on line and sent me some emails. I told her I would read them. A lot of it just reinforces some of the things that are wrong, there is other stuff that wasn't in all the emails that I have issues with. I did like this little tid bit tho. This is part of what you do that makes me feel good.
---------------------------------------------------------
You’ve got to show your husband that you are still, and will always be, his number one fan. Men feel closest to a woman, including their wives, when that woman shows how much she appreciates and values him. This may appear to be nothing more than ego-stroking, but it actually runs much deeper than that. Your husband fell in love with you because you brought out the best in him. You made him feel cherished and respected. You have to continue to do that now. Thank him each and every day for everything that he brings to your life. Make it clear to him that you’re grateful that you’re his wife and do what you can to make his life easier and calmer. If your husband feels that you’re on his side, you’ll start to feel the emotional gap between you two disappearing."

Mind you, I always thanked him for the things he did for me and the kids and I let him know I appreciated him. BUT in his mind, he had to do/say anything to justify the affair. He's a gutless, pathetic loser - forever will be. Me? I've moved on. I prefer to be happy than try to live up to someone else's expectations.

OhGeesh

Just wanted to add it doesn't work that way for many affairs. For longterm affairs or one month long trysts maybe that poll appies, but many affairs are just ONS or quick little flings hit and quit it no emotion or relationship.

It's not about upgrade, downgrade, it's about something different!

Sara8

Hi All:

I just registered but have been lurking for awhile.

My husband had an affair with a woman 22 years younger.

I think she was a downgrade. I have seen her first in photographs and several times in person.

The people who outed her told me they thought she was a downgrade.

I am in excellent shape, workout, eat right and look 20 years younger than my age according to everyone.

I know that sounds like bragging but people frequently ask my husband if I am his daughter and he is actually the same age as I.

I was blindsided by his affair after receiving an anonymous letters and discussing the letter with a friend who finally said that many people knew my husband was having an affair but were afraid to tell me.

I am so hurt and devastated. She is not only less attractive, she is a bit chunky.....something my husband claimed to not like.

She also appears to be a gold digger and has a huge ego. She claims all men come after her and thinks she is waaay better looking than her rather attractive and kind husband. She did have my husband wrapped around her finger and she has her husband wrapped because he does not know of her affairs and she has maids and cooks.

She is married with two kids and leaves them with sitters to have affairs. The affair with my husband was her third.

She is a huge flatterer and very ditsy. She also has a very sexy way of speaking to men other than her husband whom she claims she is disgusted by.

When I asked my husband why he was attracted to her, he said I was intellectual and she was fun.

Her husband is far wealthier than mine and it irks me that my husband was spending the money I was saving on her.

I am a very conservative spender and always watch our finances, particularly because he was saving for a solar panel business he wanted to start.

Anyway, the husband wants to reconcile. I am going to counseling with him, but I don't know if I can ever trust him, again.

The other downgrade with this women is her low morality and lack of attention to her children.

I treat my pets better than she treats her children and an affair has never been on my radar and that's not because of lack of opportunity. When men flirted with me, I simply shut them down immediately and affirmed that I was happily married.

Sometimes I think the two of them, my husband and her, deserve each other.

My husband is trying very hard to make amends, but the trust has been so totally broken I am not sure if I can go forward in our marriage and ever be happy.

I was happy up until I learned of the affair. Now I am sad all the time. I sometimes get a sharp pain in my back when thinking of the affair, almost as if someone is stabbing me.

The affair has changed me in ways that make me unhappy, too. I was never the distrustful or suspicious type, never jealous...that has changed and I don't like it.

It is good to see others going through the same thing.

The husband ended the affair when outed, but did say many cruel things to me, at first, including talking about how kind and good the OW was. He also blamed me for the affair saying I was boring and taking him for granted.

I was thinking she has cheated numerous times on her unsuspecting husband....she snoops on him so she knows he does not cheat, says mean things about him, and leaves her children with strangers to have affairs. Seriously how nice could she be.

I am so baffled and hurt. I can't figure out why he now wants to stay with me. Is it because I am a better person than the OW.

The thing that really hurts is that he wined and dined her in ways he never romanced me. And, he took her to very expensive restaurants, I always liked but refused to eat in because they were so ridiculously pricey and I did not want to spend his hard earned money that way, while he was saving for a business start up.

Now I just feel used, duped, foolish and blind.

But, yes, IMO, she's downgrade, looks wise and personality wise. Sigh

He is trying to make it up to me, but I keep thinking why bother. He already proved to be a cheater and a liar. Like her.

He had secret bank accounts, a credit card, a burn phone and a hidden computer.

I gave him plenty of boys nights out and he used those to see the OW. He lied and lied and lied.

I can't stop crying.

angelpixie

I'm so sorry you're here, Sara8, but welcome. Your story is heartbreaking. Make sure you take the best possible care of yourself physically and emotionally. See your doctor if you keep having those aches and pains -- you don't want that turning into something serious. Sad to say, but if something were to happen to you, you're probably on your own and not able to count on your H.
Are you seeing a therapist at all? This can also be helpful, even if you try counseling as a couple. A therapist can help you make the decisions you have to make that are for your own well-being. That has to come first.
Keep posting here. You'll find that, sadly, there are a lot of people here who have been through the same thing and we're happy to offer an ear or whatever advice we can.
((hugs)) to you!

Sara8

Hi Angle pixie:

Thank you for he advice, kind words and support.

They have helped me more than you know.

I have an appointment for IC to help me cope with my emotions and sadness. I will make an appointment for the physical.

angelpixie

That's a really good start, Sara8. You sound like you're going through that roller coaster of really mixed emotions, but you also sound like you're a very strong person. Keep hanging in there!

If you haven't already, you might want to read up on the threads written by people trying to reconcile after an affair, and if you decide that's not what you want, maybe the threads on the '180', too.

Sara8

Thank you again, angel.

I will check out those threads.