Very well said, Beowulf. Thanks for your post. I think it would help a lot of WSs (who actually want to stay and work it out) to read this. Part of their recovery involves protecting themselves and sometimes it's hard to see how their behavior has affected the other person. If they choose to protect their fractured marriages over their exposed egos, this would be a useful bit of insight into the suffering the BSs go through.
Excellent post Beowulf,I didnt think my wifes EA would be so damn hard to get over since the physical part didnt take place,yes they met up a few times,pleaded with her to cut it off but she refused,it took me kicking her out to make her see the light,its been 7 weeks since she's been back and I'm still stuggling.......sucks Posted via Mobile Device
in simplest terms, you're a shell of the person you used to be.
i don't think one ever truly recovers from the pain, you just learn to cope in the aftermath.
I think as humans, we are able to choose what we hold on to and what we let go. Sometimes the choosing is easier, and sometimes its harder, but at the end of the day, its still a choice.
For instance, I can take your analogy and:
"In simple terms, you can shed the shell that kept you trapped in the aftermath and pain, grow as a person, and learn better ways to cope"
You like?
I've been playing with the popular "Red Pill" "Blue Pill" concept that is mentioned on these boards so often. There is always an implication of a binary choice, one or the other, when in fact, the majority of our lives are a combination of the two. Convincing yourself that something is a certain way "blue pill" is a gift, or better yet, a tool, to help us become better people and let go of things that hold us back. There are some interesting studies on how the human brain does this to minimize damage during traumatic events. "Red Pill" implies a universal truth, a "true" truth, and I have my doubts that such a thing exists. Even the color red, light bounces off of it, hits your eye, converts to a wavelength. When you are finally old enough to ask what that is called, you are told 'R E D' but there is absolutely no proof that you and I "see" the color the same way. If your optic nerve is a millimeter shorter than mine, the wavelength will be slightly different when interpreted by your brain.
edit: apologies for hijack attempt, reply to the above in PMs if interested, I will start a new thread if there are enough people sending PMs
Mahike, I completely get what you are saying. I can't find it in me to love her with my whole heart like I did before. I can't let myself be hurt that bad again and if I hold back I feel I am limiting my hurt when/if she does it again. The thing I realize is I can't truly be happy with her until I can give her my whole heart. Stuck in a rut here I can't get out of...
She Died to me that day, and that is the truth. I will remember forever that moment when it happened. It is only with a little hindsight that I can look back and see that from that singular betrayal of the heart that it was all over.
Thank you f0r this. It is so accurate.
I wish I had seen this at the beginning of out R. H says he will never be able to understand how
Much pain he has caused me and he has hurt me, this would have explained it perfectly.
We are doing well so I don't want to keep going over old ground but If I feel the need to discuss this with him again this post will really help. Posted via Mobile Device
When they discovered your affair…YOU DIED! Let me say it again…YOU DIED! The person that your husband/wife married is gone forever. ....
The feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, yes…anger (why did you leave me?) Can you even imagine the pain that he/she is going through? Probably not. Because you are the one that had died and they are the one that is left to pick up the pieces of a shattered life that was taken from. They are the ones that are left to deal with the loss of a loved one.
But here is the sick part. You are still here; but you aren’t! You are a doppelganger, a clone, an evil twin. You are the one that killed your spouse’s cherished love. You took the love of his/her life away forever violently and without mercy. ....
You planned how to do it. You conspired with another murderer (the OM/OW) and you finally struck without warning and without honor. The BS was left in shock and dismay watching their cherished lover, friend, partner, confidant bleed to death in the street. They felt hopeless and helpless as the person they loved most in the world was taken from them. Their world...you...died that day.
And you want the grieving person to forgive you. Love you. Stay with you. Think about that for a minute. You, the pod person, the evil clone, the look alike murderer that destroyed the one person in life that your spouse cherished beyond all time and space want the sorrow filled, grief stricken, angry and injured beyond belief person to LOVE YOU? They had this involuntarily inflicted upon them. They had no choice. Only pain. And now you want them to choose to love you. Can you imagine going up to the person that murdered your loved one and choosing to love them?
... It is also why I recommend the betrayed spouse read “Just Let Them Go” even if they want to reconcile. Because you truly have to let the cheating spouse go in order to learn to hopefully love the new version of your husband/wife. It’s hard and it’s painful and it can only be done if the WS does everything to make the BS fall in love with them again.
Very well said, Beowulf. I am hurting a lot today, so I re-read your note. The quotes above are bang-on in my case: she's died, and her evil twin is taunting me.
But my WS wouldn't or couldn't do what it would take to make me fall in love with her again and exorcise the evil twin.
in simplest terms, you're a shell of the person you used to be.
i don't think one ever truly recovers from the pain, you just learn to cope in the aftermath.
I think this comment is very true, it is something that never leaves a person. It leads me to wonder how people can even move forward after an affair, and "start over" with a new marriage. Even if a WS shows complete remorse, does everything they need to, does it really make the BS feel secure in their marriage, can they ever forget the pain they went through??
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Re: Understanding the pain 
