She came to my house this morning. She was beating the door down, ringing the door bell, she climbed up on my deck and was pounding on the door.
I woke up and came down and she told me that she was scared that I was going to do something stupid because of how I ended our discussion and the fact that she saw one of my guns on my end table. (I had one out that I had shot last week and cleaned it and never had put it away)...
She then just wanted to leave when she saw I was ok. I told her to sit for a minute. I told her that I love her more than anything else in the world and that I would have done absolutely anything for our relationship and she has to one day know that. While I am sad, I am giving her what she asked for and what she has always wanted based on her actions and beliefs. I have to look out for me.
I then directly asked her if there was anything she had not told me. She paused and then said, "no". I then asked her again and she told me, "Even if I did believe you. The kids are happier now that we are not together and I can not choose you over my kids, even if it means that when they are gone, I am all alone." and she began to cry.
I told her that after I thought about everything, the real reason that we lost our relationship was that we stopped being friends. I stopped talking and sharing with her because I thought she would just leave me again.. for the 15x time... I did not trust her with my heart and love because she tossed it aside time and time again. The kids and I are always in competition for her time and presence but I do not compete with them directly. I just love being around her and she loves being around me, when we were friends... I take her away from the kids. I do not do it to be mean, but we have a realationship as well. She told me that she always felt torn and it was a struggle for her. I told her that I understadn that, but that is not about feelings, it is about situation, understanding and communication. I never hurt the girls. I do not know how to be a step-parent other than what I learned as a step-child myself. - You make sure that the stepchildren have all they need. You care for them, do for them, protect them. You do not try to be thier parent but more so thier friend and hope for the best. I told her that I would never ask her to choose me vs. her children and that I know that they are happier because they do not see her and I at odds or not being the friends we use to be. In addition, they do not have to compete for attention, but they get it all. I always tried to do things with the girls, but they do not want to. I am not thier father, they told me once.
I always told her that the kids see how she treats me and they treat me with the same disrespect. I do not blame them, I blame her. Children mimic adults and grow up to be just like the ones who they learn from.... How will they ever respect or love someone else and be happy if they learn from her???
I told her that if I could have one thing back, it would be our friendship. She then looked at me directly and told me "I am sorry for doing what I did to you over the years."
I told her that I only want our friendship back but that has to be 2 people who do, not just one.
Then she started to cry and left...
SO: 2 issues
Reality is that the trust issue spawns it all. While she has not admitted it, she seems to at least be thinking about something other than me running around on her or whatever.... There could be hope, if the stars align.. Until then, I have created what I think is the beginning of a boundary for myself. That is the first step I think everyone here has tried to convey to me.