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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-16-2012, 08:53 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

She is looking for a self fulfilling prophecy and unless you are up for an entire lifetime of fulfilling her prophecy I would move on.
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Old 02-17-2012, 04:01 AM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

Don't meet her, tell her you are not excited about the concept of subjecting yourself to further abuse. Tell her, you believe I cheated. Leave it at that. Close with this.

"One way or another we're over. If you're right I'm a cheater and you're better off without me. And if I'm right, I'm better off without you because your broken and a complete nut job."

Maybe this will clear things up for her a little.

Last edited by Initfortheduration; 02-17-2012 at 08:25 AM.
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Old 02-17-2012, 08:15 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

A wise man once asked: "Would you rather be happy-or right?"

Sounds like you'd rather be happy-sounds like she'd rather be right.

Sounds like if she had a bucket list, #1 would be "Prove to everyone that EVERY man cheats."

#2 would be "If a woman proves that her man is faithful, keep haranguing her with #1 until she wakes up and sees the truth".
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Old 02-17-2012, 11:03 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

I met with her.....

I read her a letter that I wrote about our entire relationship. I told her everything I thought, felt, saw, etc... I explained my feelings, my thoughts and told her that her issues are not mine any longer. I explained that I loved her, I was never unfaithful and that I did not want to hurt any more for things I have no control over. I told her that the fact she broke up with me 14x over 7 years would have been enough for anyone to not be together. Interestingly enough, she said "You actually counted them all...why?"

She listened to it all. She then sat there, not crying but obviously sad. Then she started in directly with questions about the women.

I told her
- The realtor is a realtor. To this day, never met her.
- The other girl was a girl I met AFTER my fiance gave me the ring back months ago and before we had reconciled. I met her at the mall, spoke with her on the phone but never met her again (we live 200 miles apart) I explained that as a talker, I love to talk and the woman was someone who would listen. I also explained that I told the girl that I was working things out with my fiance and that it was not appropriate to continue to talk. That the girl called me stupid and that I deserved better, etc.... That the girl continues to call me from time to time because she is convinced that it will not work out and that I should date her... (sorry, there are crazy people out there and probably the reason she kinda ambushed me in the mall where I met her to begin with.. I do not know... I can not speak for others actions)

My fiance said "So, you had phone sex with her.. so, you just run to another woman a week after we break up.. so, you just go out and pick up anyone at any time....oh, you were so hurt by us breaking up but it was sooo easy for you to just go out and fxxx someone else" " you expect me to believe that some woman will just keep calling you after you tell her that we are back together, even though you do not call her or talk to her again..." I told her absolutely not! Which is the truth!

Then she simply said, "You are a liar and I do not believe you..." She started to cry and tell me that she was never with anyone else, that she was in the relationship for 8 years as well, that she loves me but can never be with me again.. She told me that talking with a woman, DURING A TIME AFTER SHE GAVE ME THE RING BACK AND DID NOT WANT TO MARRY ME, is cheating....

She threw in my face the fact that I went to a strip club with HER BROTHERS FOR HER BROTHERS BATCHELOR PARTY in my face and told me that she had told me that was cheating as well!

We left it with her having to leave to go pick up her daughter. We hugged and she started crying. I balled like a little kid..

What now? She does not admit to problems. In fact, she says she does not have a problem at all!! She does not believe me even though I told her everything. She is inventing and painting things in her mind... I get that....

What I want is for her to accept that I am being honest and have shared it all so that we can start at zero. It may never be a relationship again, but getting back peace in the form of seeing our dog, speaking with her, speaking with the kids and her parents is what I would like to get it. I want her to accept that we should go to couseling together for our FRIENDSHIP....

How do I get that??

I do feel better after we talked. I do not know if it is closure or a false hope that I do not recognize. Either way, I will sleep tonight I guess that is good for now.

Last edited by hopeless11; 02-17-2012 at 11:09 PM.
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Old 02-18-2012, 12:34 AM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

My heart goes out to you but the sad fact is that your ex is a woman with trust issues and no matter what you do, she will never trust you. I know it is easy for me and others here to say that you should move on but it is for the best, for the two of you. Feel free to vent my friend.
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Old 02-18-2012, 12:40 AM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

I read that people overcome infidelity. I approach this as though that is what I must do.

I already told her that I am going to take a polygraph to prove it to her.

Am I just wasting me time and money? Is that a good place to start at all?

What is most heart-wrenching is that she seemed to have more sadness than she ever did when we were ever together and she broke up with me any one of the 14x....

I do not want to lose her. I love her.

ANyone?
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Old 02-18-2012, 12:48 AM   #37 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

But if you haven't committed infidelity against your fiancee then why are you so willing to go to such lengths?

I hate acting like the snake in the garden but are you sure that your fiancee is not projecting any infidelity on her part?
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Old 02-18-2012, 01:00 AM   #38 (permalink)
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But if you haven't committed infidelity against your fiancee then why are you so willing to go to such lengths?

I hate acting like the snake in the garden but are you sure that your fiancee is not projecting any infidelity on her part?
I asked her and she said no.

I am willing to go such lengths because I just do not want to walk away, even though I will probably have to do so.

Last edited by hopeless11; 02-18-2012 at 01:47 AM.
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Old 02-18-2012, 02:05 AM   #39 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

Read THIS, please. And maybe some other stuff about co-dependency.
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Old 02-18-2012, 08:33 AM   #40 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

Even if you take a poly and pass with flying colors, she'll just accuse you of knowing how to beat the test or bribing the examiner to falsify the records.

And even if you do break up with her for good, get FAR AWAY from her-judging by her actions and accusations, she will go bunny boiling stalker on you.
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Old 02-18-2012, 10:07 AM   #41 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

From my perspective,it seems like her self-protective instincts are triggered when situations arise that are similar to ones that she has seen leading to infidelity through out her life.Her only touchstone is that people cheat.Children living in the turmoil of infidelity,or for that matter any kind of harsh conflict take their cues from the adults around them in order to protect themselves.

She needs help from a professional to work through her trust issues.I hope you stand by her if you can.She'll probably cycle through this same scenario for the rest of her life if she doesn't get the help she needs.

I'm so sorry for you and so sorry for her,because she must feel so alone not being able to completely trust that someone would put her first in their hearts.This is just my opinion and I hope the best for you both.
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Old 02-18-2012, 10:57 AM   #42 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

So if she believes that EVERY GUY CHEATS does that mean she is content to always be alone? I still say that this woman has serious issues and needs intensive IC. You cannot make her go. You cannot even make her see she has a problem. You need to let go. Maybe if you break it of with her and start proceeding on with your life it will be a wakeup call for her. Either way, you don't have a solid foundation upon which a lasting marriage can be built.
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Old 02-18-2012, 12:03 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

Of course she's going to say she didn't cheat. Cheaters seldom confess unless they are presented with hard evidence. Many of them have trust issues because of their own cheating.

Am I convinced of your ex-fiancee's cheating? No but look if there is another man who suddenly comes into the picture so soon after the breakup. Chances are good that this OM was in the picture long before the two of you went your separate ways.

I hope that this isn't the case but people who accuse others of cheating are very often cheaters themselves.
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Old 02-18-2012, 01:08 PM   #44 (permalink)
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Of course she's going to say she didn't cheat. Cheaters seldom confess unless they are presented with hard evidence. Many of them have trust issues because of their own cheating.

Am I convinced of your ex-fiancee's cheating? No but look if there is another man who suddenly comes into the picture so soon after the breakup. Chances are good that this OM was in the picture long before the two of you went your separate ways.

I hope that this isn't the case but people who accuse others of cheating are very often cheaters themselves.
Very good point! I agree.
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Old 02-18-2012, 01:28 PM   #45 (permalink)
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Update -

She came to my house this morning. She was beating the door down, ringing the door bell, she climbed up on my deck and was pounding on the door.

I woke up and came down and she told me that she was scared that I was going to do something stupid because of how I ended our discussion and the fact that she saw one of my guns on my end table. (I had one out that I had shot last week and cleaned it and never had put it away)...

She then just wanted to leave when she saw I was ok. I told her to sit for a minute. I told her that I love her more than anything else in the world and that I would have done absolutely anything for our relationship and she has to one day know that. While I am sad, I am giving her what she asked for and what she has always wanted based on her actions and beliefs. I have to look out for me.

I then directly asked her if there was anything she had not told me. She paused and then said, "no". I then asked her again and she told me, "Even if I did believe you. The kids are happier now that we are not together and I can not choose you over my kids, even if it means that when they are gone, I am all alone." and she began to cry.

I told her that after I thought about everything, the real reason that we lost our relationship was that we stopped being friends. I stopped talking and sharing with her because I thought she would just leave me again.. for the 15x time... I did not trust her with my heart and love because she tossed it aside time and time again. The kids and I are always in competition for her time and presence but I do not compete with them directly. I just love being around her and she loves being around me, when we were friends... I take her away from the kids. I do not do it to be mean, but we have a realationship as well. She told me that she always felt torn and it was a struggle for her. I told her that I understadn that, but that is not about feelings, it is about situation, understanding and communication. I never hurt the girls. I do not know how to be a step-parent other than what I learned as a step-child myself. - You make sure that the stepchildren have all they need. You care for them, do for them, protect them. You do not try to be thier parent but more so thier friend and hope for the best. I told her that I would never ask her to choose me vs. her children and that I know that they are happier because they do not see her and I at odds or not being the friends we use to be. In addition, they do not have to compete for attention, but they get it all. I always tried to do things with the girls, but they do not want to. I am not thier father, they told me once.

I always told her that the kids see how she treats me and they treat me with the same disrespect. I do not blame them, I blame her. Children mimic adults and grow up to be just like the ones who they learn from.... How will they ever respect or love someone else and be happy if they learn from her???

I told her that if I could have one thing back, it would be our friendship. She then looked at me directly and told me "I am sorry for doing what I did to you over the years."

I told her that I only want our friendship back but that has to be 2 people who do, not just one.

Then she started to cry and left...



SO: 2 issues
- trust
- children

Reality is that the trust issue spawns it all. While she has not admitted it, she seems to at least be thinking about something other than me running around on her or whatever.... There could be hope, if the stars align.. Until then, I have created what I think is the beginning of a boundary for myself. That is the first step I think everyone here has tried to convey to me.

Last edited by hopeless11; 02-18-2012 at 01:33 PM.
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