Untrusting fiance, left me
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-16-2012, 01:06 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Untrusting fiance, left me

OK. So I am looking for some help. I have been in a relationship with a woman who I truly and absolutely love beyond belief.

Her life is filled with betrayal and cheating. Her exhusband cheated on her when her 2nd child was 2 years old, with her cousin. He is now married to her cousin with thier own kids. The cousin is her mom's niece.

Her parents are divorced and remarried. During the time of thier relationship, there were times of infidelity by her dad and strife and struggle.

Her family members are pigs. Have wives and children and mistresses and other children. Her brother is a pig, having multiple women.

Overall, a life filled with cheating.

We were together for 8 years. Engaged for 2. Over the 8 years, she has stated to me multiple times that "all men cheat, ALL MEN:, insinuating me as well. She has also sabotaged our relationship multiple times, breaking up many times for silly reasons (I am not nice enough to people, Her daughters are not happy, She is not happy - but not saying why) All the while, always telling me she loves me and is in love with me. She even broke our engagement 6 months back and gave me a list of things I had to change in order for us to be together, just as all times in the past.

I have sacrificed and given all that I am for this. Taken her places and showing her things she has never experienced. Most of all, love and compassion and a willingness to never leave her.

Most recently, she took my cellphone and riffled through my phone. She heard 2 messages from 2 women. 1 woman saying "hey dave, you never answer your phone when I call and you never return my calls". This was a woman who I met and WAS BECAME FRIENDS WITH when my fiance gave me the ring back and told me she did not want to marry me. When my fiance and I reconsiled, I told the other girl the same. She insisted that I was stupid, etc.. But I tried to be respectful.
In the 2nd message, it was a realtor who I had some discussions with about real estate and the realty industry. Her message was "Hey. It is X. I have a 4 day weekend coming and if you want to get together, let me know". Since we live 300 miles apart yet have a common area we are from, the message was to meet over the holiday weekend to chat about real estate, etc... provided I was going to be in the area. I have NEVER met the woman, EVER still to this day!

So, my fiance came to me and said, "How long have you been cheating on me! It is over and I never want to see you again. Forget you know me!" I was shocked but my reaction was swift. I told her if that is what\how she wanted to act and think, to give me the ring back because I am not a cheater. She never let me explain anything. She even called the realty woman and the realty woman told her that she did not know me and to please not call again and hung up the phone.

My fiance blocked my phone number from calling her, does not answer the door, told everyone in her family that I am a cheater and a liar. The fact that I reacted how I did, the woman says she does not know me are proof that I am a liar and a cheater...

Also, in the past I have tried to talk with her and get her to go to counselling together and alone. She refused. She went to 2 sessions on her own and she stopped, telling me that the counselor told her that "she is fine, people just have to accept her for who she is."

Then on Valentine's day. She had class that ends at 9:30. She showed up at 11pm. (We are neighbors so I see her coming and going) I approached her and told her that it was interesting that I am a cheater but she has time to be out with whoever on Valentine's day. I know it was not the best thing to do, but I am struggling and just acted out.

Bottom line is that I do not know what is happening or what to do. I was thinking of taking a polygraph to prove my innocense but feel it wrong to have to prove I am innocent when my actions over 8 years should show all that is needed. I have never acted any way other than dedicated and wanting\needing her in my life. All my friends have always told me that I am the best man a woman could ever want and that she is simply psychotic and crazy.

I love her. I just want to be with her but do not even know how to start to talk with her... She agreed to speak with me this Friday, but it was my request for atleast 5 minutes based solely on getting the truth out and talking for the sake of her, I, the kids and everyone else. She agreed to Friday, but it was not her idea...

I am lost. Anyone have any ideas or suggestions?
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Old 02-16-2012, 01:16 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

I understand what she's going through, I have a friend exactly like this.

If you really care about her, pour your heart out on Friday. Tell her you're willing to do anything to prove you're innocent even if it means taking a polygraph. Tell her all the things you've done for her, how you've stuck by her side despite her dumping you for petty reasons and making a list of unreasonable demands of which you've all complied with. Tell her most men would've left her a very long time ago but your loyalty proves you're not a cheater. Pretty much tell her everything you've written here.

If she's still stubborn then you should move on. Trust is a fundamental part of a relationship, if she can't give it, you're heading for a very rocky marriage.
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Old 02-16-2012, 01:27 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

I'm sorry but from your description it doesn't sound like this woman is anywhere ready to be involved in a committed relationship. She has serious trust issues which she has not addressed and steadfastly refuses to resolve.

You can either accept her the way that she is and suffer, OR you can end your relationship with her and move on with your life. The choice is yours.
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Old 02-16-2012, 02:13 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

Quote:
Originally Posted by Complexity View Post
I understand what she's going through, I have a friend exactly like this.

If you really care about her, pour your heart out on Friday. Tell her you're willing to do anything to prove you're innocent even if it means taking a polygraph. Tell her all the things you've done for her, how you've stuck by her side despite her dumping you for petty reasons and making a list of unreasonable demands of which you've all complied with. Tell her most men would've left her a very long time ago but your loyalty proves you're not a cheater. Pretty much tell her everything you've written here.

If she's still stubborn then you should move on. Trust is a fundamental part of a relationship, if she can't give it, you're heading for a very rocky marriage.


Tell as above, if she understand you then go for MC. Talk to her about your feelings and worries.
If she is still stubborn then move on man.
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Old 02-16-2012, 06:24 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

You are in an abusive relationship if you haven;t noticed already. And remember, cheaters project their paranoia on their SO's. And her family history does not do her any favor. I would be little suspicious if I were you.
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Old 02-16-2012, 06:50 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

Sorry, that is difficult.

Her behavior has nothing to do with you and the only thing you can do is keep your side of the street clean.

I would suggest Robert Glover's book, No More Mr. Nice Guy. I think light bulbs will go off in your head.

Good luck.
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Old 02-16-2012, 07:09 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

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Originally Posted by FormerNiceGuy View Post
Sorry, that is difficult.

Her behavior has nothing to do with you and the only thing you can do is keep your side of the street clean.

I would suggest Robert Glover's book, No More Mr. Nice Guy. I think light bulbs will go off in your head.

Good luck.
And make her take a poly too.
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Old 02-16-2012, 11:05 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

Pretty much everything you posted is able to be addressed, except for this:

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Originally Posted by hopeless11 View Post
she stopped, telling me that the counselor told her that "she is fine, people just have to accept her for who she is."
That is a major problem, an insurmountable one. She is unwilling to change. You know what that means? She won't change. And she will get worse in a married relationship, because the more committed the relationship the higher the potential for betrayal. She is so afraid of being abandoned and betrayed that she feels more and more pressure the more she has to lose. In other words, the more you try to show her your love and commitment, the more it will trigger a response from her of fear and paranoia. She will push you away and cheat so that she can try to stop herself from being hurt (she will also be hurt, but she will feel in control).

If you really love her, break up with her and try to help her get through her abandonment issue. If she ever gets the strength and courage to fully face it and break through, then propose. Right now, the more you try to show her your love the more she will push you away and ruin the relationship. There will be a direct correlation. She needs you as a friend and confidant, not as a lover.
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Old 02-16-2012, 11:19 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

That's a great suggestion. Suggest polygraphs for the two of you. I would also suggest a prenup saying that if EITHER of you cheat you walk away with nothing.

That said I think continuing in a relationship with this woman is a mistake. She needs counseling.
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Old 02-16-2012, 01:18 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

You may be dodging a bullet here.
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Old 02-16-2012, 01:21 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by warlock07 View Post
You are in an abusive relationship if you haven;t noticed already. And remember, cheaters project their paranoia on their SO's. And her family history does not do her any favor. I would be little suspicious if I were you.
I 100% agree.

You are assuming that she isn't in fact cheating, when she very well might be!
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Old 02-16-2012, 01:34 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

Cancel your meeting on Friday and thank your lucky stars that you didn't end up shackled to a crazy woman through married and/or paternity.

If this woman grew up around infidelity, the odds of her cheating go way up. Also, do you really want to spend each Thanksgiving trying to remember the name of the new spouses/lovers that have been introduced into the family?

Better luck next time.
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Old 02-16-2012, 01:42 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I 100% agree.

You are assuming that she isn't in fact cheating, when she very well might be!
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Even if she wasn't cheating, the abusive nature of the relationship should be a very major problem
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Old 02-16-2012, 01:49 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

Thank you for all the responses that are coming in.

So far I understand that I should end the relationship (although technically she already did).

I am not crazy to think that she has a problem due to her life experiences, as she wanted me to believe I was indeed crazy and I only wanted to use the discussion as a way to manipulate and turn things around on her.

She may indeed be projecting her infidelity. ---> That is a hard one to take in, but it could be a reality I guess.

Polygraph - I am on the fence on that one. If I take it, then it will slam the door on my ability to trust her again. Only because I feel it is proof that I can not receive trust from her, even when no reason exists to the contrary. I am not scared of my results. I am scared of what the action to have to do it to begin with, will do to me.

QUICK UPDATE:
I did run into her briefly on the street. I just looked at her and told her that I never cheated on her, I never wanted to be with anyone else. I always wanted to be with her forever and I am hurt because I feel she is already with someone else and that is why she comes home hours after the normal time on Valentine's day even though she always told me that she could not spend time together with me after class because she was tired and had to work the next day, etc...

She looked at me and said, "I do not believe you. You obviously have time to speak with other people and make other friends. You obviously have time for them. I was in class on Valentine's day. We will just talk on Friday. I will come to your house... Bye..." and she walked into her house....

She did NOT defend whether she was or was not with someone else. She clearly stated to me that she does not believe me. She clearly does not want to have anything to do with me because she blocked my phone number and does not respond to me. She did not acknowledge that I sent her flowers on Valentine's day at all..

WHAT THE HELL AM I MISSING??? Is she just twisted due to her past? Is she projecting? Both? Neither?? What??? I just want to be with her and happy...
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Old 02-16-2012, 01:53 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Untrusting fiance, left me

You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink.

She's not going to ever believe you.

Even if she comes back this time, it's only a matter of time before it happens again, and again.

I can see why a jealous mistrusting person would have a problem with a woman calling you and asking if you want to get together over a 4 day weekend. Sounds to me like that "realtor" woman was looking for more than just a discussion about property.
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