I can see not remembering specific phone calls per se.
However, is she not remembering when they had sex?
How many times did they hookup for sexual activities?
What is the freqency of their get togethers? Multiple times a week / month?
Where did they have sex?
What hurdles did they contrive to get together to have sex?
What type of sex did they have? You may not want to know details but she is claiming to not remember anything.
My point is that she was not just having a cup of cofee with him and sex occurred without her being very involved. If they went to a nearby town to a hotel, that would speak loudly. She made time for the affair and had to handle the logistics of the PA.
You have to answer that... can you keep your head in the sand? or is your power to keep this denial charade up starting to waver ?
if your question was "could you (us) believe her?"
No. It's absolute h0rse**** she's spoonfeeding you. Way too many holes.
Most of us have been through extreme gaslighting we know the damage it causes, and I shutter to think of the crap I was willingly swallowing and how my XW's lies twisted my reality.... Even so... No matter how much I wanted to... No chance I could swallow what your W is selling.
Clear as day.... She is lying about what she remembers and doesn't. Whats shes doing is abusive and it's malicious.
Im sorry If I sound harsh but reading what is being done to you makes me furious.
She has given me detail of the confirmed year and a half PA. Not necessarily all the gory details but quite a bit.
This total not remembering is the 2 years since the PA supposedly ended. She doesn't remember calling him a couple times a month (and however many times he called her). She says she doesn't think (ie. can't remember) she ever saw him again during this 2 years of phone calls but that she will try to remember. She has finally said she will go to counselling to see if she can get it all together. To me, that's her "out". If she tells me now she does, in fact, remember all this but was afraid to tell me then I have to contend with her being a liar in addition to the details. If she goes to counselling and through that is "able to remember" then it's just the details and she doesn't have to confess to being a liar.
Maybe you just like being tortured, in which case no one help you. Personally I don't think PPD had a hell of a lot to do with her banging your friend. Chances are she lost interest in you and was just keeping you around until she found someone who really rang her bell. Hence, why she stays in contact with Joey. During this time, she wasn't even thinking about you romantically, but was regularly doing the cowgirl with this dude. Here you are putting this major head trip on yourself.
Why do you want to know the details. What more is there to know? Hell, just ask the other guy for a copy of the video.
In the meantime, think about all the women you could have dated while this while this chick was "hating you and all that you did".
The last thing I'd recommend is you being the guy she comes back to when she’s between men.
Do yourself a favor. Forgive her for dishonesty, disloyalty, and and unfaithfulness. And than get rid of her.
I am new to the site with my own set of crosses to bear and issues to resolve. I am in a similar situation of sorts with trust.
The facts are that she admitted to the affair. What else do you really need to know about it for it to remain a fact? Knowing more will not help, will it?
Saying she does not remember her actions works 2 ways. If she does not remember that, whatelse does she not remember? Did she remember she was married? Did she remember her name?
You get what I am trying to say here? Foggy or not, memory is not selective. Maybe she just wants to leave it be and if she is trying to make ammends (she did confess to it) then make a decision based on what she is saying and doing now and how you feel now. Do you want to really try? Will you get over it? Is it too late?
Answer those questions for yourself and then move on them one way or the other. People overcome infidelity, not all, but some. The only way to do it is by accepting, forgiving and starting all over the process to build back the trust that was betrayed.
If you are willing to do it, then put aside the need to know more. It will serve no good purpose. It will only cloud the fundamental decisions you make and work forward with.
It is easy to bash cheaters, etc. The bottom line is that she destroyed your trust and only you can decide to give it back and rebuild with her or without her. If you give her the chance, do not look back.
She honestly hasn't used the PPD as an excuse for the affair exactly. Basically it was her state of mind during this time that led it to happening. The way the PPD affected her was a feeling that I had no interest in her now that she was a mom and that I had no interest in being a father. She withdrew from me and I didn't see it in time as it was a little by little thing until she said she was going to leave me because of the above mentioned things. By this time she thought she hated me...thought I was a horrible husband and father (not uncommon for the condition). I then realized that she was so far gone from who she was that I started researching what could be causing this and I discovered it (and later her Dr. confirmed) that it was PPD. The OM became her confidant during this time and a relationship grew from that. It started as friendship and eventually grew physical and emotional. She said it ended when we separated in March of 2009 (which is also when she went to the dr. and started getting treated) and realized how wrong she had been....that I wasn't this horrible person and how she had betrayed me.
In general conversations throught out life together she has heard me say,if someone cheats on their partner they should take it to the grave because they're just alleviating their own guilt by hurting the partner.....that is what I used to think. She told me that's why she kept it from me for the year and a half or before it came out but that the guilt "killed me everyday".
She has never blamed me for the affair.....as far as the PPD she only uses it to say "I wasn't myself....the real woman I am, the woman you married and the woman I am now, wouldn't do that"
In extreme cases of PPD it's possible that someone might not remember. But by extreme cases I mean depression psychosis. These are people who are a literal physical danger to themselves and to their families. Mothers who try to murder their own children or walk into highway traffic or burn the house down. They sometimes have hallucinations in addition to delusional thinking. Occasionally they claim to hear voices. They rarely wash themselves or eat let alone take care of others.
Me thinks someone in that shape isn't having an affair.
I think cheaters often refuse to give details because they dont want to betray the special intimacy the shared with the AP. the don't want to share what they believe is private and sacred.
I disagree. I think they refuse because they believe they are helping their partner by not giving details/protecting them from more hurt (when in fact they are doing the exact opposite) and also, they aren't ready to own what they've done. See, in verbalizing the truth and saying what they've done, there is full acknowlegement of the betrayal. When someone refuses to do this, they are unwilling to deal with their actions.
Originally Posted by borderline
She honestly hasn't used the PPD as an excuse for the affair exactly. Basically it was her state of mind during this time that led it to happening.
You still don't get it. The only thing that "led it to happening" was your wife. It was a choice that she made, with or w/o PPD.
Shaggy's version is cynical but also a very possible scenario. Especially
She finally decided to go for broke with OM and got you out in the separation so she could really be with him
He didnt leave his wife and didn't go for being with her full time
She ended it
Esp. Confirm the facts for these things. Did she end up in IC after the OM ditched her or did she end up having a revelation after the IC and dumped the OM or did she dump him because they were going nowhere?
"I wasn't myself....the real woman I am, the woman you married and the woman I am now, wouldn't do that"
PPD does not do this, she says she doesn't use it as an excuse but with the same token she says "her state of mind at the time led her to do this"........ it was a concious decision she partook in and continued for 2 years.