MorallySound

When i returned from my 7 month deployment, my wife was really standoffish, not nearly as excited to see me as she has been on my previous deployments, and buried in her phone, also, we went out right away, rather than go home and have long awaited reunion sex. this lasted for a month or so, with the exception of this one time we had sex, (with a condom for her health.. she had a bladder infection) and it was not the same. We've known each other for a long time, have had an awesome marriage, shes smoking hot, and I'm in very good shape and weve had alot of sex in the past, anyhow, it was not the same. I've confronted her about it and she just said we got disconnected and had to reacclimate, which is true in the sense of a long absence, but it was just off. I asked her about cheating and she looked me right in the face and denied it. Well, I was in her email to get a document for some bills and taxes and stuff, and found months and months of correspondence between her and some other guy about love and romance and sex and the kind of emails i typically get when im away. Because of which, since I have a strong upbringing in the sanctity of marriage and god and being "morally sound" and giving everything to your family, i immediately began packing my things for the inevitable, unfortunate divorce. but our history, the amount ive invested, our house, and how sincere she was about being remorseful and apologetic, and all the stuff, the isms, the stuff thats "us" somehow enabled me to go through "some time" sort of probation and schedule counseling to try and fix it. I'm just very torn on the basis of principal and feel ill be unhappy with her and unhappy without her. Its very out of character and weak of me, but it seems necessary. We've had fun since then, had an awesome vacation, but as well as it seems, sex isnt the same, i guess it takes time, but i still do all the same things good husbands should do, whether it be financially, romantically, cooking, cleaning, being a gentleman, with the expectation of having spontaneity and her having sexual initiative and doing "favors for me" I'm still very much in love with her, but still so jealous and disgusted, and cant get any retribution, I have a very succesful career, i get paid well, I daytrade and i dont want to throw it away for premediatated assault on the other guy, since im incapable of hurting her, besides my words, and it seems like a downward spiral. I don't want to start again with someone else, but id like to have an awesome marriage like i used to. I've made assumptions about her in the past, and recently found she thinks marriage is just a piece of paper and does not have the same kind of character i can be proud of, its very difficult and i hope counnseling will help dig deeper, but I'm very against divorce and also very much so against adultery. I really just came here to vent, and maybe get constructive advice besides "just leave the *****' if possible

In_The_Wind

Hi MS sorry you are here I feel you 2 options either accept it and have an open marriage
Or fight like heck for your marriage. I feel that marriage is between 2 people and would
Not want anymore in my marriage I think you need to confront her on what info you have and also
And if you want to Recover or Divorce make a decision it is your God given option
According to the bible. If you chose recovery I would start with Installing a keylogger on her computer
Unbeknown to her. I would gather as much info as you can including info on the OP
This would be used for exposing the A. Also I find out if OM is married etc and give them a call
Do not let yr ww or the om know what you are doing. I would expose the affair as soon as possible to everyone that you and ww know parents etc set some guidelines on what you would like in the marriage such as no other parties in the marriage no contact for life of affair party etc. Others will be be shortly to offer their advise again this is your decision to make if you want to continue the marrriage or not.
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Goldmember357

She is infected with the devil's poison is beyond saving/helping and is unfit as a "wife" you can leave or you can continue to toy and play with your own heart. She has shown lack of concern empathy, and everything else that makes a good marriage. There are millions and loads of other women out there and if you truly believe you are a good man than you should deserve better as good men and good women deserve better than people who are infected by the devil and live life all wrong.

All in all best of luck there is no need to save this "marriage" (imo) and you did come to this forum to seek opinions of others. Lets hope your pain will go away and you can find happiness.

Goldmember357

According to the bible infidelity is one of the biggest sins and within betraying the spouse ties into a lot of other sins and corruption and wrong "Evil doing" in the world. Would you not agree that they are infected with a poison?

Goldmember357

she is incapable of being in a true relationship that has commitment your wife lacks commitment and is not capable of a consummate love. She has failed in that sense and its out of the realm of possibility that she will ever change her narcissistic behavior and stray from her hedonistic point of view on the world along with no morals. In addition her behavior is a huge indicator of her lack of compassion, lack of empathy and lack of love, trust, or any credible skills that are valued in a partner or that go hand in hand in creating and making a consummate love a true love.Your wife is not the person you thought she was and you deserve much much better than her without a doubt you deserve much better. Her behavior is destructive to herself and to those around her this includes your children. There are loads of women much better on the face of the earth. Such a shame that your wife has shown her true self to you and especially this late in your marriage. Loads of women as they are far more oppressed than men so there are i guarantee you loads and millions of women who want nothing more than love a good marriage or a good man in there life and to be loyal yet so many cannot have that sadly.

TS do not worry God will judge us all when we die and your "wife" will be judged for her wrong actions and one of the biggest sins of all infidelity that and the lying and selfishness also fueled by lust is a perfect example that this woman your "wife" is filled with with the devil's poison and is beyond helping. As to if god punishes or how he does that is beyond me or any human to know however you will be held for what you have done.

Best of luck to you and you will meet another woman and please use more judgement and follow your gut you will and can meet an amazing and loyal woman. Who is capable of being an actual wife.


So ask yourself TS do you deserve better?

bryanp

Her values are totally at odds with you. You picked the wrong person to marry. I guarantee you she was having unprotected sex and putting your health at risk for STD's when you did have sex with her finally. She clearly has no problem lying right to your face. She loves the lifestyle you provide and had no problem screwing another man behind your back for a period until you came home and still lied to you. She has played you for a complete fool and there have been no consequences to her actions.

You sound like a guy would not have any problems finding a woman who truly loves and respect you and respects the importance of the marriage vows. Sorry but your wife has none of these characteristics. Her actions have shown that down deep she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.

Thor

You can never have the same marriage you used to have. She is not the person you thought she was.

So you can learn who she really is and you can try to build a new marriage with her. It might work.

But listen to your gut as you go through this process. You indicate that at this time your fundamental belief system is in conflict with hers in a profound way. Give marriage therapy a chance, but don't settle for marriage out of some kind of moral opposition to divorce. She has already broken that covenant with you, and you are no longer obligated by your vows to stay with her.

I suggest you talk to a lawyer to find out what your rights and obligations are at this point. It will be information for you. There is no obligation to divorce just because you talk to the lawyer. Information is good.

TDSC60

The one thing that hit me in the face from your post is:

I've made assumptions about her in the past, and recently found she thinks marriage is just a piece of paper and does not have the same kind of character i can be proud of

If she has that attitude toward marriage then she will not hesitate to cheat again. Can you remain married to her knowing this? Can you see a future with her while waiting for the next guy to come along?

Your views on marriage and divorce are admirable and mirror my own. I am not one of the crowd that yells divorce at the drop of a hat because some mythical "need" is not met. But infidelity is the one thing I could not accept and remain married.

Good luck to you whatever you decide.

happyman64

MS,

I think you need to take a firm stand with your wife.

Do you think this affair is a EA or a PA? Have you gotten more information on the OM? Is your wife still in contact with him?

It sounds like your wife does not put the same value on the marriage as you do. If this is a different view than what she had when you got married then it could be the fog of the affair causing her to skew her views.

If you want to try to R you need love, truth and respect from her.
You also need no 3rd parties involved.

Install the keylogger and check her phone. You need to do this without tipping her off so you can verify the truth of her statements as well as her actions. Actions in these A's count more than words.

Also trust your gut. She has been lying to you for a while.

If it was an EA/PA she has put your health at risk too.

If she is willing to go to counselling great! But she needs to commit to No Contact with the OM or you are just wasting your time.

You can have a new marriage with your new wife if she is willing to do everything to R. But your old marriage and old wife are gone soldier.

Stay strong and get tough. Get as much info as you can. Command & Control my man.

Good Luck,

HM64

Vanton68

Wow, that sucks MS. You will get great advice from the guys here. The silver lining in your story is that you found out right away (relatively speaking). So YOU get to make the decision. You are in CONTROL of what happens next. You could be like some of us finding out years later and everything you have done since their affair seems hollow.

So clear your head, take the advice, give yourself some thinking time and make a choice. Are you AD? If you are, how will you get through the next deployment without going crazy?

Good luck!

turnera

Lots of people fall into affairs without even planning to, and it changes them - at least temporarily. If the cheater gets caught, called out, and ends the affair, many of them CAN get back to the person you used to know.

Is she telling you she'll never contact him again? Is she handing over her phone/computer whenever you ask to see them? Did she tell you her passwords? Does she let you know where she's going? Will she go to a marriage counselor with you?

If yes to all these, you have a chance to save your marriage. She will have to be remorseful, but that may take a while, as the PEA chemicals that gave her the 'high' of the affair start draining out of her brain.

cledus_snow

dump her, son.

while you were dodging bullets, she was having her fill.

Shaggy

Where is the fixing part? You know you won't ever trust her again, nor should you. She cheated, and now that you caught her you know that SHE is just another cheap easy cheater. Those you can fnd anywhere so the thing you would be dumping is easy to replace. No real loss frankly.
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Beowulf

MorallySound,

What exactly has your wife done to show you remorse? Did she write a NC letter to the OM? Has she opened up her life to you? Given you access to her cell, computer, Facebook and email passwords? Have you installed a keylogger to make sure she is not still in contact with him? Have you placed any VARs (voice activated recorders) in her car or around your house so you can verify that she is really back with you? Basically, other than cry and say she's sorry and "do favors for you" what hard work has she put in to win you back and make you fall in love with her again?

Understand that in your mind the woman you knew as your wife died the day she had her affair. What has this new woman done to make you want to marry her? Because like it or not this is a new relationship you're in and you may just not like this woman enough to marry.

5stringpicker

Despite your commitment to "marriage" at some point you need to be realistic. I don't think, with her apparent attitude, you are going to have a awesome marriage. It kinda looks like the honeymoon is over. Believe me, life is too short to keep putting an effort into something that refuses to produce a return. You're a daytrader and know that. I found it much more mollifying to have a marriage you can work with rather than one you constantly have to work on, notwithstanding the cheating.