gonefishin

Your wife said she understood and would get over it. If she is getting over the affair why are you discussing divorce and not MC? Second, you had an opportunity to speak with your wife 5 years ago when the problems started. Why didn't you make it an issue then. At least at that point if your wife was unwilling to work on the marriage appropriate decisions could have been made.

I do like your honesty. I do think married couples go into this rut and things start to unravel. I think "most" cheaters are not getting enough attention in the bedroom and rather than discussing it they cheat and then all hell breaks loose. Just my opinion.

Hope1964

It's odd but I also don't feel the vitriol I usually do when I read posts from cheaters. You seem to have finally woken up after a long sleep and decided to do something about your situation. Unlike others who post here, I do think cheaters can change and become non cheaters, although I don't hear that from you. I just hear regret for many wasted years.

__________________
Curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want ~ Spock
FOR CWI NEWBIES
~My story~
Understanding the Pain - required reading for WS's
Help for sex addicts and their spouse

mr_confused

A few asked why my wife quit having sex with me...

I really have no idea. I think we married way too young, grew apart, yet retained a lifelong friendship. She simply doesn't desire me that way. We both in great shape / health for our age, mature people, professional careers, cordial, etc.....we just lost to ability to be intimate.

The only reason she did not blame me for the affair was because she acknowledges declining to be intimate with me for years.

It's just the slow death of a marriage.

To all those that believe I attempt to justify my affair - I don't. I accept fully my choices. I proved I cannot repair a marriage myself, but I can finish one. I'm not proud of that.

Obviously I tried...I've talked, cried, asked her to see a doctor, therapist, anything.

Judge me as you wish. I've got a lot to learn in life, but I will say I didn't f' up a good marriage, I just failed to leave a bad one.

Even now it is hard to come to terms with moving out of the home and away from my child.

I certainly didn't ""want" this.

cledus_snow

you didn't want it, but you sure as hell had a fun ride cheating and such.

suesmith

Thanks for sharing your insights and thoughts. Its nice to hear someone being honest about making mistakes and the reasoning behind it.

I hope you can both move on and find happiness again.

Oh.. and ignore the venom being spewed into this thread. I wonder if its comfy up there in their ivory towers!

mr_confused

I guess we should assume the standard roles here.

I'll be the cheater and defend myself and you and all the other betrayed rake me over the coals.

Sorry- not interested.

I guess on Tv affairs are exciting, the cheater and some buxom woman (or ripped and passionate man) raptured in lust, tearing clothes off, etc..

Right. I was a lonely vulnerable guy who made a bad mistake. Sneaking around like a low life to be with someone isn't quite the fantasy it sounds like. I'm sure a lot of people just can't get enough, or love an ego stroke. A lot of people simply want a friend, companion, someone to be close to and I can assure you - at least for me - life would have been a lot easier if I could get that from my wife, the mother of my child, the one I have built a home and life with over nearly two decades.

There is no excuse, no justification, whatever - we are just two people ill equipped to communicate, empathize, and resolve our issues. I have admitted my faults, as has she. I've told her I'm willing to take full blame, certainly willing to here with strangers. Blame is irrelevant to me - resolution is my only focus now.

I feel sorry for the betrayed
I feel sorry for the cheaters

I feel certain neither are genuinely happy. It's sad all the way around.

It's hard to get past the blame. It's not about agreeing that someone is, or is not, at fault - it's just recognizing it's wasted energy that doesn't move anyone any closer to happiness.

sirdano

You did not mention but did you both even seek counsuling for the sexless part??? It seems to should have been a first step unstead of trying a different path.

cledus_snow

haven't cheated, nor have I been cheated-on.....at least not to my knowledge.

i just call 'em how i see 'em.

i'm not here to judge, even if it sounds like i am. i just feel you had the opportunity to bail without cheating, but you didn't. let's be honest.....while in the affair you had fun, right? now that you've had your fill, you lament it.

and it wasn't a mistake.....it was a choice.

Blondboy44

Mr. Confused, I sympathize with you and your decision to divorce. I respect you for sharing this heartbreak with us. It takes two to tango. Just because you cheated does not neccesarily make you the ass. There are different forms of asses as you have seen in this forum. Sometimes being married to an ass makes one cheat.
Good luck.

cledus_snow

so if your spouse is an ass to you, it gives you the green light to cheat on them?

wow!

Blondboy44

Infidelity is not a good thing, okay? We all know that--I think. No, being married to an ass does not "give one a green light," IMHO. But, no one is perfect and we all make mistakes (which Mr. Confused has admitted)--DON'T WE?

cpacan

Guess that would turn him on.

oneandonly2

god i hope so too.
would make everything soo much easier. ..

Dexter Morgan

Me too

I don't.

Dexter Morgan

Exactly. I think too many cheaters like to call it a mistake in an attempt to downplay their actions. Because if they say its a mistake, then they can pull the old and tired "we are all human" tripe.

A mistake is something done accidentally, or without full knowledge.

When someone cheats, they know exactly what they are doing and that its wrong. Its not a mistake.