Confesions of a cheater

Therealbrighteyes · 02-24-2012, 12:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by oneandonly2

not trying to antogonize at all.

my point is .. i'm here for a reason .. once i resolve my issues... i'm gone.

why are you still here ? 3300 posts ? why ?

Why are you here, troll?

mr_confused · 02-24-2012, 12:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Therealbrighteyes

Maybe she has someone as well. Sounds plausible. I mean you're still in your affair. Why do you care what her reaction is?

I thought the same but found no evidence to support that assumptions - and I employed a variety of technology to figure this out.

I don't currently care what her reaction is but was simply pointing out that if her reaction had been stronger I would have left with remorse and a sense that she truly loved me and there was a foundation to perhaps reconcile. I think it would have been a long road given where I was emotionally and because I had been unfaithful. Things were obviously bad, but upon discovery, the extent of her indifference was more apparent. She was not dismissive, we had a day and half of difficult talks and she was sad. It passed after a few days and we were back to (no) business as usual.

Almostrecovered · 02-24-2012, 12:05 PM

...and bye bye

Therealbrighteyes · 02-24-2012, 12:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mr_confused

I thought the same but found no evidence to support that assumptions - and I employed a variety of technology to figure this out.

I don't currently care what her reaction is but was simply pointing out that if her reaction had been stronger I would have left with remorse and a sense that she truly loved me and there was a foundation to perhaps reconcile. I think it would have been a long road given where I was emotionally and because I had been unfaithful. Things were obviously bad, but upon discovery, the extent of her indifference was more apparent. She was not dismissive, we had a day and half of difficult talks and she was sad. It passed after a few days and we were back to (no) business as usual.

So when are you divorcing?

mr_confused · 02-24-2012, 12:34 PM

plan to file shortly before and move out asap when school year concludes.

Blondboy44 · 02-24-2012, 12:39 PM

I thought this place was supposed to be about help and support for people with cheating issues--both perps and victims. There is far too much hate and vitriol here. Obviously victims want and need support . But, believe it or not, perps are sometimes looking for help and redemption after years of guilt and beating up themselves. There are too many casting stones here.

vickyyy · 02-24-2012, 12:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by oneandonly2

lots of lovers scorned not willing to hear the other viewpoint on this thread (hi dexter) . . . .

you miserable scorned people are so easy to detect... you are the one critical of everyone in the office. the socially awkward individual at a corporate gathering. the corner of the bar not talking person during happy hour...

go ahead ... trash everyone here who admits to an affair... it doesn't change your hurt. it doesn't make me feel worse. ...

hey ladies .. listen up ... you want a faithful, devoted husband.... don't cut his balls off in front of his buddies. don't put him in a sexless , loveless relationship. don't threaten divorce because you know you have leverage with the kids ... don't count how many drinks he has when you are out with couples... don't forget to hold his hand. don't forget to try. to send sexy texts. sexy pics. keep your ass in shape... it's the least you could do... nobody wants to bang a pig. be the 'hot wife' ... real real easy.

what a low life man !

strugglinghusband · 02-24-2012, 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vickyyy

what a low life man !

Crack is Whack!!!

PS. A/R for President.

Almostrecovered · 02-24-2012, 12:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blondboy44

I thought this place was supposed to be about help and support for people with cheating issues--both perps and victims. There is far too much hate and vitriol here. Obviously victims want and need support . But, believe it or not, perps are sometimes looking for help and redemption after years of guilt and beating up themselves. There are too many casting stones here.

I was attacking the guy who doesn't even think it's wrong to cheat

OP at least thinks it was wrong and has come to learn despite having some "issues" imo

CH · 02-24-2012, 01:16 PM

BTW, one is falselead who is also cairbare (or however you spell it) and one other poster that have been banned.

It's all the same person coming on here to look for pity and incite people.

Therealbrighteyes · 02-24-2012, 01:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheatinghubby

BTW, one is falselead who is also cairbare (or however you spell it) and one other poster that have been banned.

It's all the same person coming on here to look for pity and incite people.

Whoever it is, perhaps he confused "wife" and "girlfriend" with left and right hand.

CH · 02-24-2012, 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Therealbrighteyes

Whoever it is, perhaps he confused "wife" and "girlfriend" with left and right hand.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, it took me a second to register that. It was like a deer in the headlights and then getting smacked right between the eyes!

827Aug · 02-24-2012, 05:52 PM

Please keep posting respectful

mr_confused · 02-24-2012, 06:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rock

Some women/men can turn it off like the switch of light. Cheat on them and they find out, any love they ever had for you, GONE.

Maybe that was your wife. Think of that before you cheat on your next wife. Also, try not to blame your next wife for your lack of morals.

Revision of history imho.

Man, wow - I hope whatever pain you've endured it doesn't stay with you forever.

I don't care to rewrite history, what's the point. I've already said I'll take 100% of the blame, I don't care much who is blamed either. None of it really matter in the context of fixing or exiting. ~10 years of struggle and not keen on fixing - so it's all largely irrelevant.

I'll be sure to make sure I never cheat on my next wife by never having one.

I wouldn't wish infidelity on anyone that genuinely loves their spouse or significant other.
I wouldn't with a sexless marriage on anyone that desires sex.

I've got no axe to grind with you, but you have a thorn up your arse and you are presumptuous. If you asked any question, I'd gladly answer. I have nothing to hide from you...some random anonymous person I neither know nor whose validation I seek.

And thanks to the other who gave my situation thought and posted something showing consideration to it - regardless of your positions, I do appreciate it.

Cheating is the nail in the coffin - I'm the carpenter here. I drove that damn thing in with bare fists because quite honestly I'd had enough. I accept my fate and blame nobody.

I can also say with 100% confidence if my wife reciprocated my love, I would NEVER stray. I have no reason. She is beautiful, intelligent, and at that time she had every ability to retain my loyalty. I did not fail on the communication or effort front. I won't take an ounce of blame there.

Bottom line remains....I cheated. She betrayed her vow to "love and cherish" and I betrayed my vow to "forsake all others".
One doesn't negate or justify the other. I could have left with head high as a man of integrity. I traded that to remain a parent, shore up finances, and exit at a time and place of my choosing.

She doesn't blame me, and quite honestly I don't blame her. Even when we weren't intimate when I wanted it - I don't "blame" her. It hurt, a lot. She would occasionally comply, but having sex with an uninterested person is as bad as not having sex. Touching someone that doesn't desire your touch doesn't address the problem. She lost interest in me, how can I get mad at her - frustrated yes - but mad is not the emotion I felt.

Same for her - how can she reasonably expect me to remain faithful when we share no intimacy? I never signed up for celibacy. I'm not a prisoner, she knows this. Her words "I don't blame you....I understand why you would do it....I was never there when you needed me".

Now upon the thought of losing me (and perhaps more importantly my income, handy man skills, co-parenting role, etc.) she wants to "fix everything". Yeah well...that ship sailed my dear.

Anywho....yeah...I walked into the lions den on an infidelity forum....I'm a raw steak...I get it. I understand the general reactions. You can use me to vent, express the anger you have from your experiences. You might also chose to recognize relationships differ, conditions that precipitate an affair differ, a "betrayed spouses" sentiments to discovering an affair different.
It's no skin off my back what you chose to take from it.

I actually started this thread to profess my guilt and hindsight that I didn't handle everything as well as I could have...maybe someone will connect with it and chose to learn from my experience.

I guess that was largely pointless. Let's get into our camps, paint everyone with the same brush, and go back to categorically bashing. Whatever works, if that's why people come here, have at it....

If by chance anyone has a question, finds themselves in a similar situation, or is just curious I'd be happy to answer...but I'm done defending what I already declared as a mistake which I accept and am accountable for making.

mr_confused · 02-25-2012, 06:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rock

You traded that to remain a parent who snuck behind his child's mother's back for over 3 years to "shore up his finances" and then leave her when you can no longer can feel sorry for yourself because now that she actually knows the problem exists (you didn't have the courage to let her know you were being unfaithful for 3 years), she wants to work it out. You have destroyed your child's mother's self esteem so much she blames herself for your disgusting behavior and poor decisions. At this point, with her wanting R, all you can do to keep your "victim" mentality afloat is tell everyone, "she just wants to work it out because of my income, handyman skills, and my great parenting." I imagine it was much easier to feel sorry for yourself when she wasn't trying to "fix everything" and you could run around looking for women's shoulders to cry on. I also find it interesting you mention having sex with her, even while having your 3 year + affair. She was just so disinterested and unexciting, it was almost like, not having sex at all. If only she liked sex as much as you, you wouldn't have looked elsewhere for better sex. If only she showed interest you wouldn't have showed interest in someone else. She sounds awful, she should have seen through your lies and lack of communication and known you were cheating.

I am sure we can all learn a little something from your experience. Cheating is the absolute worst thing you can do to another person, but if you cheat while feeling sorry for yourself, others may sympathize, especially those you cheat with. If you get real good at cheating, lying, deceiving, and sneaking around behind someone's back for 3 years, you are probably manipulative enough to even get the faithful spouse you cheated on to blame themselves for your character flaws.

Lesson learned.

Right...ok. And now my poor betrayed wife, the one that left for girls trips to the beach 3 days after discovery, is devastated. Yeah, hmmm. The same woman that refuses therapy, and hasn't shown an ounce of interest in me for over 5 years. Poor woman will be left a millionaire, set for life, keeps our home with no mortgage, the country club, beach house, etc..

Sorry man, I'm the once that was played here. For a long time. She'll be just fine.....don't you worry.

Believe what you want....

I have remorse, remorse for cheating cause I'm a better man than that...remorse for staying cause I deserve better than what she gave me.....remorse for accepting far too many years a spouse that never truly loved me.

I'm getting on with my life.