Originally Posted by rock
Some women/men can turn it off like the switch of light. Cheat on them and they find out, any love they ever had for you, GONE.
Maybe that was your wife. Think of that before you cheat on your next wife. Also, try not to blame your next wife for your lack of morals.
Revision of history imho.
Man, wow - I hope whatever pain you've endured it doesn't stay with you forever.
I don't care to rewrite history, what's the point. I've already said I'll take 100% of the blame, I don't care much who is blamed either. None of it really matter in the context of fixing or exiting. ~10 years of struggle and not keen on fixing - so it's all largely irrelevant.
I'll be sure to make sure I never cheat on my next wife by never having one.
I wouldn't wish infidelity on anyone that genuinely loves their spouse or significant other.
I wouldn't with a sexless marriage on anyone that desires sex.
I've got no axe to grind with you, but you have a thorn up your arse and you are presumptuous. If you asked any question, I'd gladly answer. I have nothing to hide from you...some random anonymous person I neither know nor whose validation I seek.
And thanks to the other who gave my situation thought and posted something showing consideration to it - regardless of your positions, I do appreciate it.
Cheating is the nail in the coffin - I'm the carpenter here. I drove that damn thing in with bare fists because quite honestly I'd had enough. I accept my fate and blame nobody.
I can also say with 100% confidence if my wife reciprocated my love, I would NEVER stray. I have no reason. She is beautiful, intelligent, and at that time she had every ability to retain my loyalty. I did not fail on the communication or effort front. I won't take an ounce of blame there.
Bottom line remains....I cheated. She betrayed her vow to "love and cherish" and I betrayed my vow to "forsake all others".
One doesn't negate or justify the other. I could have left with head high as a man of integrity. I traded that to remain a parent, shore up finances, and exit at a time and place of my choosing.
She doesn't blame me, and quite honestly I don't blame her. Even when we weren't intimate when I wanted it - I don't "blame" her. It hurt, a lot. She would occasionally comply, but having sex with an uninterested person is as bad as not having sex. Touching someone that doesn't desire your touch doesn't address the problem. She lost interest in me, how can I get mad at her - frustrated yes - but mad is not the emotion I felt.
Same for her - how can she reasonably expect me to remain faithful when we share no intimacy? I never signed up for celibacy. I'm not a prisoner, she knows this. Her words "I don't blame you....I understand why you would do it....I was never there when you needed me".
Now upon the thought of losing me (and perhaps more importantly my income, handy man skills, co-parenting role, etc.) she wants to "fix everything". Yeah well...that ship sailed my dear.
Anywho....yeah...I walked into the lions den on an infidelity forum....I'm a raw steak...I get it. I understand the general reactions. You can use me to vent, express the anger you have from your experiences. You might also chose to recognize relationships differ, conditions that precipitate an affair differ, a "betrayed spouses" sentiments to discovering an affair different.
It's no skin off my back what you chose to take from it.
I actually started this thread to profess my guilt and hindsight that I didn't handle everything as well as I could have...maybe someone will connect with it and chose to learn from my experience.
I guess that was largely pointless. Let's get into our camps, paint everyone with the same brush, and go back to categorically bashing. Whatever works, if that's why people come here, have at it....
If by chance anyone has a question, finds themselves in a similar situation, or is just curious I'd be happy to answer...but I'm done defending what I already declared as a mistake which I accept and am accountable for making.