Re: Confesions of a cheater
Good words written by jaquen. I believe a marriage without love and affection is empty and it is just a waiting game to see when it will be over. My previous partner, the father of my kids, I stopped loving him for most of the last 6 years of our 11 year relationship. I told him many times why, I told him many times I was unhappy, which progressed to deeply unhappy, but he never changed. Did nothing different. I felt I was a single person in a 'marriage'. It was a lonely place. I didn't have 2 children, he was my 3rd child. There was zero support from him as a partner, a lover, a father. I was on my own. I even told him how unhappy I was and that I felt that I was on the verge of having an affair. I was worried and did not want to do this. We had both said to each other that we would never do this to the other. This did not change his actions either. And so I stopped fancying him, loving him. I was happy to never have sex again for the rest of my life. Actually, I just didn't want sex with him. We had children, my family was important to me, and I had accepted my lot in life. I was going to be unhappy for evermore. And for some time I thought, and I may have even said it, that if he found sex elsewhere then that would be fine with me.
Therefore, your wife, did not want sex with you, had no desire for you, was not total heartbreak and devastation after discovery, and she 'understood', and so this marriage became just a friendship a long time ago. Yes, you should not have cheated, but I agree with what you write, and the black and white is just wrong. Things are NEVER just black and white. Always circumstances and reasons. Being in a partnership where one is unloved, where love is not reciprocated, staying together for the children, I believe it is only a matter of time before a conclusion is met or another lover is found. We all want to be loved, and when love is witheld, and all efforts rebuffed, the only thing left is to start to find someone that will love you as you wish to be loved (affair not condoned, but if the staying together for the children is as important to both (and it is to most people), affair can be understood). If there was no children involved, would you have gone your separate ways before you cheated? I would hope so.
I was lucky, my ex, father of my children, did something which I found unforgiveable, considering our situation, and that gave me my way out that I never thought I would get. I never cheated on him, I left with my head held high. He treated me like dirt as a result, and when I found someone who loved me and who I loved, 2 years later, he then treated me worse, as if I was cheatig on him and as if my bf took his wife! And now I am here. My bf cheated on me. I love sex with him, he awakened all within me that I thought had died while I was with my ex. My bf has given me so much heartache, and I have been utterly devastated. I thought he was my soulmate. I could imagine, with total happiness, being with him for the rest of my life. But alas, I do not know if this would be the case. Could I ever give him license to go and get sex elsewhere like I did with my ex? No way!! I adore this man, fancy him, love him deeply. But...I don't think it is to be. I don't think he is the man I hope him to be or that he hopes he can be. He loves me deeply (if he knows what loving deeply is. For him, it is deeply) but he is screwed up and I am not here to mend him. And so, 'cheating' in my previous relationship would have been just about acceptable to me. Cheating in my current relationship, absolute and total and utter devastation. I have never felt so hurt, so damaged, so upset, so out of control of a situation. Though now I am coming to terms with all, speaking on here has helped me organise my thoughts and stand up to his flannel, and my god, he has come out with some amazing flannel. And I am ready to do whatever it takes to find the absolute truth or just end it. I have a feeling the latter will be the case. Good luck to you in your divorce and your family life.
Last edited by Remains; 03-01-2012 at 09:17 PM.