Confesions of a cheater
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-18-2012, 09:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Confesions of a cheater

I am a "cheater"

Why do people cheat? I think the reasons are too varied. I think most just aren't content.

Some people seem to have the world on a string. Wonderful spouse, home, career, family and risk everything for sex, perhaps an ego stroke, or just meander slowly across a line they never noticed themselves crossing until it was too late. I guess there is no one reason, just reasons, or better...excuses.

My excuse...well I live in a sexless marriage. Nearly 5 years now. I've been in an on and off again affair with a woman for 3 of them. It didn't start innocently and it certainly isn't now.

It's an odd marriage. My wife discovered my affair about 9 months ago. She didn't seem to mind much. She said she would get over it and understood. That was strangely disappointing, but I guess I wasn't terribly surprised, at least I am not now in hindsight.

I should have left long ago. I know to most it is an excuse, to me it is a reason, but I sure didn't want to be a part time parent or give up half my assets because my wife made a unilateral decision to end all intimacy. I guess I could have learned to live a celibate life - I did for a while. I don't know any more....it's all just a big mess.

Anyway...my child has matured, finances are in order, and divorce is eminent. It's all a shame. Seems lost love is rarely found again. I guess we live and learn. I don't regret my choices, nor do I favor them, it always felt like I had to make the least bad choice among a selection of terrible options.

Such is life. I guess we live and learn. I can't undo a thing, I can only assure it never happens again...any of it.

I do feel sorry for the betrayed, especially the ones who are heartbroken. I don't think I could ever betray someone that loved me. I guess one never knows what they would do...I never envisioned my marriage would unravel like it has, so slowly, yet in such a seemingly uncontrollable way.

I hope my wife finds someone she loves and can be happy. I hope the same for me. Mostly I hope my child can see us both happy and prosper.

It's unbelievable the frequency with which these things happen...I really had no idea.
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Old 02-18-2012, 10:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confesions of a cheater

Dont you think you gave hurt, pain?
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Old 02-18-2012, 11:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confesions of a cheater

what are you trying to get out of this? is this some kind of poor way of venting? you're a douche, and everyone that reads this knows it.

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Old 02-19-2012, 12:33 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confesions of a cheater

Quote:
Originally Posted by cledus_snow View Post
what are you trying to get out of this? is this some kind of poor way of venting? you're a douche, and everyone that reads this knows it.
My Cheating husband does things like this. I find that he wants the support of other cheaters so he can "JUSTIFY" his filthy behavior!! I agree, Very POOR way to vent!
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Old 02-19-2012, 12:34 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confesions of a cheater

no s**t!
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Old 02-19-2012, 06:26 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confesions of a cheater

Why have you posted this. Is this to unload or is there another reason for this post?
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Old 02-19-2012, 06:46 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confesions of a cheater

He says he couldn't hurt someone who loved him.
I don't think it's a matter of not BEING loved, sometimes I think it's an incapability of FEELING loved. It's different. His rational is based on an internal problem with being able to feel loved.
:-(
Doesn't excuse what he did, but in his reality, which is different from someone who can feel, it's justified because he didn't FEEL that his wife loved him, and because of this, he extended that to THINKING and then somehow, improbably, KNOWING, that his wife didn't love him, without considering any other possibilities, such as a problem with receiving love. That's really, really, really, really sad.
OP, I hope that some day you will be able to feel, or at least to understand that for you, it's easier to feel hurt than to feel cherished.
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Old 02-19-2012, 07:14 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confesions of a cheater

You cheated 3 times, which makes you a serial cheater. How are you going to stop that with your futur wife of you decide to re marry?

My ex was and still is a serial cheater. I had my suspicions, but the red flags could not be any more evident. I finally got the proof I needed, he tried sleeping with my best friend at the time. My ex turned it around and said I set him up to cheat. Everything in his eyes was my fault. He was also abusive, but that's another story. Anyway, I left the day I had solid proof. I was not in love with my ex due to the way he treated/abused me. He almost killed my daughter and I in a rage just a few days before after holding us hostage in my apartment. I was very happy to leave. I'm very happy now in a beautiful relationship with my husband.

One of my exes mistresses had moved in 3 days after I left. They are now married and he continue to cheats on her. Yet, now it is her fault.

Also, karma may get you back. You may find the woman of your dreams and she'll turn around and have affairs on you. Who knows what the future will bring. What comes around goes around.(karma)
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Old 02-19-2012, 10:12 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confesions of a cheater

I was seeking nothing from this post. It's a confessional. I acknowledge the wrong in my ways. Thanks to all that responded. I expected basically what was given.

As noted, I never should have cheated, I should have divorced.

I'm sorry for the pain you have endured. I can assure you my affair was not a cause of my marital problems, although I'm certain it compounded them. we crossed the threshold of "too far gone" long ago.

Infidelity is usually and act of cowardice. I should ave been brave enough to leave my marriage, start anew, accept my role as part-time parent. I instead wanted to preserve the good and sought the comfort my wife would not give with someone else. She really doesn't care much. It's a little different in that respect than I think most that post here - put in other ways it's all the same - we are a broken couple.

I welcome your posts, vent as you wish. I was simply unloading. It's not always the BS that is hurt with the cheater blissfully rubbing uglies with people to soothe animal instincts. I was in pain when I strayed, it was a terrible mistake, it was cowardly, and all I can do is learn from it. I did not ruin a good marriage I was just to weak to leave one and I'm ashamed of what I've done...and what I didn't do.
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Old 02-19-2012, 12:53 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confesions of a cheater

Does your spouse know this?
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Old 02-19-2012, 01:45 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confesions of a cheater

I'm in a sexless marriage and I can understand what you were going through. I'm puzzled, though, if your wife isn't bothered by your mistress, why are you divorcing? Isn't she tacitly agreeing to let you stray? Or is it that you now want a life with the OW? Is she married too?

I'm pretty sure that if I ever found myself divorced I would NEVER get married again because I wouldn't want to risk being bound to yet another sexless marriage. So I would suggest that you not jump into a new relationship or marriage until you've had a long time to recover-- if you ever decide to get married again at all. Don't jump into anything with the OW either, because you may well regret it down the line.
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Old 02-19-2012, 07:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by isla~mama View Post
I'm in a sexless marriage and I can understand what you were going through. I'm puzzled, though, if your wife isn't bothered by your mistress, why are you divorcing? Isn't she tacitly agreeing to let you stray? Or is it that you now want a life with the OW? Is she married too?

I'm pretty sure that if I ever found myself divorced I would NEVER get married again because I wouldn't want to risk being bound to yet another sexless marriage. So I would suggest that you not jump into a new relationship or marriage until you've had a long time to recover-- if you ever decide to get married again at all. Don't jump into anything with the OW either, because you may well regret it down the line.
I am getting divorced because I don't want to live this way. I don't want to be married to someone solely for peripheral benefits when the core of the marriage is flawed. As far as being married again, time may change my perspective, but right now it's hard to imagine a scenario where I'd want it.

I'm sure I'd see things differently if everything was great, but recognizing half of marriages fail and of the "successful" remainder it seems half at best of them are truly content. Hate to be so pessimistic, but I really don't like those odds.
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Old 02-23-2012, 10:22 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confesions of a cheater

i applaud you sharing your story. there are others out there, like you, in loveless and sexless marriages. anybody who simply dismisses you by calling you a douche... is an ass. and i wonder why they took the time to comment anyway.

it takes 2 for a marriage to get to that point. do not put all the blame on yourself
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Old 02-23-2012, 10:54 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confesions of a cheater

I should be your sworn enemy, I am part of the "cheated on" club, but I find your honesty to be sincere and it caught my curiosity.

Why did she stop having sex with you? What happened? What was your relationship like before it went bad? Do you think she may have suffered some type of trauma that may have caused her to withdraw? And the most important questions of all, what did you to do try and "fix" this issue and how long did you try?
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Old 02-23-2012, 12:02 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confesions of a cheater

Quote:
Originally Posted by mr_confused View Post
I am a "cheater"

Quote:
My excuse...well I live in a sexless marriage. Nearly 5 years now. I've been in an on and off again affair with a woman for 3 of them. It didn't start innocently and it certainly isn't now.

It's an odd marriage. My wife discovered my affair about 9 months ago. She didn't seem to mind much. She said she would get over it and understood. That was strangely disappointing, but I guess I wasn't terribly surprised, at least I am not now in hindsight.

I should have left long ago.
You still can, and set your wife free from you.


Quote:
I know to most it is an excuse, to me it is a reason
You mean a justification

Quote:
but I sure didn't want to be a part time parent or give up half my assets because my wife made a unilateral decision to end all intimacy.
Ah, so you put this all on her eh? Sorry, it doesn't work that way.

And it isn't half your assets. She is an equal partner, 1/2 is hers anyway. So its not yours to lose.

But hey, the longer you wait, the more her 1/2 will accumulate.


Quote:
It's unbelievable the frequency with which these things happen...I really had no idea.
So what are you hoping to gain by posting this? Trying to let BS here know that if they don't have sex with their spouse as often as the spouse would like, or sex is non-existent, that they deserve to be cheated on? Afterall, you consider it a reason.

Because you do blame this all on her. Why do you think she didn't want to have sex?
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