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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-22-2012, 12:29 PM   #61 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Descendants - Take on Infidelity

Oh, Havesomethingtosay, here is what you told someone whose wife had no sex drive

Quote:
You should dump her or have an affair
I now know you are a despicable person to even suggest such. Someone with no sex drive isn't an evil person, it could very well be a medical problem, whatever.

And the kicker here is, this was after she had to go through chemo and just beat breast cancer. How utterly despicable of you! She had cancer for god's sake.

If he wasn't getting sex, then parting ways may have been an option, but to suggest to have an affair and hurt her? Get real. His wife needed HELP, not a husband that is going to listen to some jackass on an internet forum telling him he needs to cheat on her. I'm glad there are people out there that know how to stand by their significant others.

So now I know, along with your refusal to acknowledge your background, that you are a cheater, OM/OW, or both.

So of course you like a movie where a betrayed spouse folded like a cheap suit.

So now we know the type of person Havesomethingtosay is. Someone that advises a husband to cheat on his ailing wife, a wife that had to deal with having cancer. Nice, real nice.

Maybe thats what happened, Clooney's character had cancer, and as a result had no sex drive and deserved to be cheated on.

And I have hate? Sorry, you are a despicable person.

Last edited by Dexter Morgan; 02-22-2012 at 12:53 PM.
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Old 02-22-2012, 09:29 PM   #62 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Descendants - Take on Infidelity

Havingsomething to say, I originally posted on this movie a few weeks ago. I don't think you should apologize for this thread. Obviously, it brought out a lot of different reactions from all of us. I agree that it was a thoughtful story, and in many ways, I identified w/ Geo Clooney's character. But it was quite a trigger, and it kicked my a$$ for a few days. It's good to have this place to vent.
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Old 02-23-2012, 10:53 AM   #63 (permalink)
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Havingsomething to say, I originally posted on this movie a few weeks ago. I don't think you should apologize for this thread. Obviously, it brought out a lot of different reactions from all of us. I agree that it was a thoughtful story, and in many ways, I identified w/ Geo Clooney's character. But it was quite a trigger, and it kicked my a$$ for a few days. It's good to have this place to vent.
And nobody is asking HSTS to apologize for the thread.

But when its taken into the realm of "this is how a BS should act", or from someone else that any other reaction would have made him a "lesser man"(therefore calling anyone here at this site who handled it differently), is a slap in the face to the BS here, or anywhere.

The only people he had an obligation to put things aside, were his kids. As far as everyone else, he had no obligation, but to himself in his temperament if he did decide to make it known that he washed his hands of her.

Although it pisses me off, my pain ended a long time ago over my x-wife's cheating, because she is no longer significant to me. But BS here have a hard enough time without certain people trying to make them think if they decided to expose, walk away, or tell the OM's wife what happened, that they are lesser people because of it.
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Old 02-23-2012, 02:28 PM   #64 (permalink)
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Dex, you are absolutely right. We all have that obligation to our kids. Makes the decisions really gut wrenching. And as long as we do not physically harm another, no one should judge us for our decisions under these circumstances. I hear you.
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Old 02-23-2012, 03:14 PM   #65 (permalink)
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Dex, you are absolutely right. We all have that obligation to our kids. Makes the decisions really gut wrenching. And as long as we do not physically harm another, no one should judge us for our decisions under these circumstances. I hear you.
Since the day I divorced my x-wife, I never told the kids why. If they ask me some day why, when they get older, I won't lie to them. I'll tell them my reasons. But I won't use derogatory language about her, other than the truth(that she cheated throughout the marriage), and then I'll drop it. No anger, no hatred. Just the straight up truth in a calm fashion.

If they never ask, I'll never say a word.

But trust me, I did tell it like it was to her own father. Her father agreed and thinks she has a hole in her head. Only reason I told her father is because he came to see me a couple of times and wanted to know what went on.
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Old 03-02-2012, 09:53 PM   #66 (permalink)
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I watched this movie with my husband who also had an affair a couple of years ago, I didn't realize this was the plot I thought it was a wayward dad who had to learn to take care of his kids.
I was surprised as I am at times now a days everything and every show seems to have an affair in the jist of the show........
It saddens me that this is our society now and that that kind of betrayal is so common.........
My husband cried through the whole movie........I think he could see himself in the destruction the marriage was in when it should have been a supportive time for a love one....
I didn't cry as a BS I thought it was good for my husband to see it from another family's view point and how pointless and unneccessary the pain caused by the affair was........
I also thought it was good for him to see that it has affected the whole family and that the children also have their own view points of what is right and moral, I think a lot of affair people don't actually think it affects their children........
It all saddens me that something so selfish ruins lives and changes people for the rest of their lives. I know I am forever changed and my boys are too...........And worst of all is the changes it has brought to my husband's life........
He disrespected himself the most and everything about him and the way everyone views him has been affected......
It is just a waste and pointless .........
I think the movie is a huge trigger for anyone that has experienced this kind of pain but I also think it can be educational as well for a wayward spouse.........
sometimes looking in on things has a better meaning then trying to see it in your own life..........
I think the fact that the wife's OM didn't really have any feelings for her is very sad that families are ruined for no reason......pointless deception and betrayal..........
I think triggers are hard to live through but it does bring the cruelty of infidelity to the for front and that is a good thing if it is a learning experience.....
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Old 03-03-2012, 02:07 AM   #67 (permalink)
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This is from my experience

From Imperial.
I have said numerous times I hate my husband. I have not had a job in years. I have children and teenagers are my closes friends. I know that I am obsessed with him. I have gone to amazing lengths to get his attention. I have tried to make him believe his wife is cheating with anonymous calls. Everything I do I can not get him to break away from her. I even set up a 2nd Facebook hoping to get his attention, he did not respond to my friend request and it broke my heart all over again.
I have sent him my nude pictures, of my nipple rings of me in purple lingerie. Nothing has worked. I told him that it was his wife, so he would think she was crazy.
I have sent him love notes, when he went to the therapist for marriage counseling I cre papered his truck and put a love note under the windshield. We had the best sex. She doesnt deserve him
Regina Cahan-Cole
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Old 03-03-2012, 02:27 PM   #68 (permalink)
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I watched the movie and I am a BS, I thought that the husband showed a lot of restraint in a very difficult situation......he did chose to protect his children from their father acting like a lunatic even though he had every right......
I think he had to realize his mistakes in the marriage as well as deal with a woman that had betrayed him while she was in need.....He had to control the anger and force himself to feel the compassion to stick by his vows to take care of his wife.....in good times and bad........
I think the curiousity of the OM/OW is something we all feel and finding the answers to what the relationship meant to our spouses and what our lives were because of the marriage and the affair....
confronting the OM took courage and It showed that he would stand up for his marriage and his kids lives.........It was sad that the relationship meant nothing to the OM except some fun and sex......
Sad a marriage vow is destroyed for useless reason.
I think the strength of the daughter was amazing and the choice to confront her mother and stand up for her father and family was commendable. She obviously had learned the jist of what is right and acceptable in the world around her.......
I think that even though the husband was hurting by the betrayal and the lies he somehow was trying to do what was best for his wife and what was importnat to her, that is love through a difficult situation and a love for his children.......
I think the husband of the best friend showed that doing the right thing is always the right choice as well......knowing he had a right to know what happened to his marriage and life...
I think you see a lot of the anger associated with this kid of betrayal from many sides, the husband the kids, the OM's wife.
you see how it changes lives and destroys one's safety.......
My husband cried through the whole movie he is a wayward and I think the destruction he saw in the movie and the kid angle was an eye opener for him, he sees some of the same destruction in our lives as well
I am a little disappointed that affairs are so prominent in movies and tv shows. Maybe they always were there maybe I just didn't notice but I never thought that could be the life I could ever be living.............
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Old 03-20-2012, 04:07 PM   #69 (permalink)
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Just watched this with the wife this afternoon after her medical treatment


The most commendable part of the movie was that infidelity wasn't glamorized like it usually is in most Hollywood films

While the characters didn't do things the way they "should have" it was indeed much more realistic to how people behave when dealing with infidelity
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Old 03-20-2012, 04:53 PM   #70 (permalink)
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Wasn't Harrison Ford in the one were he kills the OM and him and his wife stay together and she helps him out when the cops question him.
Nope - Richard Benjamin in "Unfaithful"

I actually like how The Descendants uncovered the reason for the daughter's self destructive behavior stemmed from her seeing her mother with the OM and her conflict about telling/not telling her father. It shows that the damage of an affair is not limited to the spouses involved. Liked the movie but - yeah - could be a big time trigger.
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Old 03-21-2012, 12:34 AM   #71 (permalink)
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Nope - Richard Benjamin in "Unfaithful"
Correction, it was Richard Gere.
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Old 03-21-2012, 02:08 AM   #72 (permalink)
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We don't know what happened or how the funeral was handled. That is not the point. I posted only as someone who was intrigued and interested in the film and how it would handle the situation. To call Clooney a cuckold I think is stretching it. How he handled the affair I found very thought provoking as he had to handle not just an affair, but his wife's death all at once, all the while she was still in a coma.

Yes we know there is no excuse for an affair, but the questions brought up and the lack of answers I did find thoroughly interesting.
I really enjoyed this movie. I dont come from a marriage of infidelity so it was not disturbing to me and I was not biased in that regard.

Very thought provoking regarding all the inter-relationships that Clooney had to deal with. In the first scene his voice-over paints the picture - his wife and him have been distant for some time now, and he is making a point to regain their closeness. He talks about his philosophy in "giving just enough for his kids to do something, and not too much for them to do nothing at all".

The philosophy is questioned time and time again in the film, with wife's death, kids, and his cousins.

To answer you question though, I see the film with a different perspective- Clooney idolized a person who was working to gain a name for himself, rather than inheriting his position in society. The person who strived to make a name for himself was successful in business and in his personal life. He was likable and people drew towards him. It is suprising this person was only in the film for 10 mins. and all we get was his reaction to Clooney confronting him.

On a side note-I left the threatre uncertain if the OM intention with Clooney's wife was a direct result of the transaction of property between the cousins and orgainzation that ultimately Clooney refused, after he confronted the OM.

Clooney's wanting to re-connect, then shock of the coma, the feelings of betrayal turned to remorse of her affair, and the show he had to up hold during this whole exerience towards her freiends and family was remarkable. He continued to want his wife respected (not allowing people to know about affair, etc.) for being the devoted mother the family thought of her was trruly remarkable.
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Old 03-21-2012, 06:23 AM   #73 (permalink)
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I really enjoyed this movie. I dont come from a marriage of infidelity so it was not disturbing to me and I was not biased in that regard.

Very thought provoking regarding all the inter-relationships that Clooney had to deal with. In the first scene his voice-over paints the picture - his wife and him have been distant for some time now, and he is making a point to regain their closeness. He talks about his philosophy in "giving just enough for his kids to do something, and not too much for them to do nothing at all".

The philosophy is questioned time and time again in the film, with wife's death, kids, and his cousins.

To answer you question though, I see the film with a different perspective- Clooney idolized a person who was working to gain a name for himself, rather than inheriting his position in society. The person who strived to make a name for himself was successful in business and in his personal life. He was likable and people drew towards him. It is suprising this person was only in the film for 10 mins. and all we get was his reaction to Clooney confronting him.

On a side note-I left the threatre uncertain if the OM intention with Clooney's wife was a direct result of the transaction of property between the cousins and orgainzation that ultimately Clooney refused, after he confronted the OM.

Clooney's wanting to re-connect, then shock of the coma, the feelings of betrayal turned to remorse of her affair, and the show he had to up hold during this whole exerience towards her freiends and family was remarkable. He continued to want his wife respected (not allowing people to know about affair, etc.) for being the devoted mother the family thought of her was trruly remarkable.
Agree & disagree. I think something as simple as seeing him driving a Accord gave a glimpse as to who he was. His father in-laws comments about him being less then a perfect husband such as him not spending his/their money to enjoy the fruits of their labour so his wife could have a better boat or equipment to indulge her passions again highlighted some issues that may have arisen in their marriage.

The affair, not sure if it was about sex, love or to get closer to the land sale amongst other things.

I think the fact there are so few explanations for the "affair" or knowing what happened between them to get to this point, was what made it interesting to me.
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Old 04-16-2012, 04:06 PM   #74 (permalink)
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Just watched this movie yesterday with my wife. I think we've been doing better overall, but this one led to some uncomfortable discussion between us. I think I'd just gotten to the point of accepting that what my wife had was bad but not cheating, but her reaction to this movie makes me question that now. Anyway, very good movie. I realize this thread has petered out now but despite everything I think films like this can help if you're in the right state of mind and things aren't too recent.
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Old 06-08-2012, 11:46 AM   #75 (permalink)
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I saw the film last night. I don't know what to think to be honest. The thing that stuck out with me the most wasn't his handling of the affair but the larger picture of forgiveness. I don't know how I'd react if I found out about the affair after seeing my wife like that. It was very difficult to watch the last scenes and it actually made me question a lot of things.

Certainly if I was a husband like Clooney it would've been much easier to forgive my wife knowing that I took her for granted and neglected her but at the same time, the fact she willingly destroyed such a young family for her own selfish ends took away some of the sympathy I had for her. Overall the picture of her fading away without life support is just so overwhelming , it's hard not feel pity for her in the end.
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