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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-19-2012, 06:50 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Coolidge Effect/Allowing a Mistress

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Originally Posted by that_girl View Post
You have no marriage.

Your vows are void. He voided them.

Respect yourself and see this is no way to live.

You are just scared of change.
I don't think she said he has been cheating yet.
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Old 02-19-2012, 06:54 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Coolidge Effect/Allowing a Mistress

It sound like OP's H is currently in an affair
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Old 02-19-2012, 09:19 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Coolidge Effect/Allowing a Mistress

Or she's a cuckquean.

Last edited by Complexity; 02-19-2012 at 09:47 PM.
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Old 02-19-2012, 09:22 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Coolidge Effect/Allowing a Mistress

So does that make him a 'hothusband'?
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Old 02-19-2012, 09:52 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Coolidge Effect/Allowing a Mistress

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Or she's a cuckqueen.
Cuckqueen no. Masochist maybe. Realist definitely. I will admit I have a confirmation bias that states monogamy is extremely rare/unnatural. Maybe, I should reevaluate my preconceived notions. First step, not reading hundred's of infidelity stories here on the Talk About Marriage.
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Old 02-19-2012, 09:56 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Coolidge Effect/Allowing a Mistress

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Maybe, I should reevaluate my preconceived notions. First step, not reading hundred's of infidelity stories here on the Talk About Marriage.
They are cautionary tales that would serve you well to learn from.
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Old 02-19-2012, 10:05 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: Coolidge Effect/Allowing a Mistress

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So does that make him a 'hothusband'?
Don't know what it makes him to be honest.


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Originally Posted by blisseskisses View Post
Cuckqueen no.Masochist maybe. Realist definitely. I will admit I have a confirmation bias that states monogamy is extremely rare/unnatural. Maybe, I should reevaluate my preconceived notions. First step, not reading hundred's of infidelity stories here on the Talk About Marriage.
Monogamy isn't pre-wired in us, we "forsake all others" to those we truly love. It's the easiest thing to do in the world if your significant other actually means something to you or if you have an ounce of integrity.

It's kind of depressing though that you would gain pleasure if your husband did that to you. Even if I knew you'd gain pleasure from it I could never disrespect you in that manner. I actually can't fathom how he would go ahead with the act knowing that this whole thing is so......wrong. Instead of feeding your fetish a loving husband would seek to address the underlying problems that led you to this thinking. Or maybe I'd constantly reassure you that I can never cheat on you regardless of what statistics or whatever mumbojumbo says. I'd certainly not tell you I'd like to sleep with other women. But who knows, I guess some people just like to be treated that way.

Last edited by Complexity; 02-19-2012 at 10:09 PM.
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Old 02-20-2012, 12:26 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Coolidge Effect/Allowing a Mistress

You just gave him permission to cheat because of these so-called biological urges? We are sentient beings and we are able to make concious decisions beyond instinct. We are the only species on this planet that are able to conciously control the number of offspring we have.

But it's all well and good until he falls in love and leaves you for another woman. Then you will probably be reconsidering your actions and regret not doing more to protect your marriage.

Monogamy may not be wired into us, it's a choice, and its our ability to make choices that separates us from the animals.
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Old 02-20-2012, 12:55 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: Coolidge Effect/Allowing a Mistress

Go ahead and give him permission to shop for his new and smarter wife right in front of you.

I'll tell you this, she'll be smart enough to not allow him to cheat.
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Old 02-20-2012, 01:17 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Go ahead and give him permission to shop for his new and smarter wife right in front of you.

I'll tell you this, she'll be smart enough to not allow him to cheat.
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How daring of you to say! Haha I like your frank reply.

To Lord Mayhem,

I think our choices can separate us from the animals but when I look around I still see animals. You say we are sentient beings. I too believe we are conscious but not always aware.

I mostly agree with what you wrote. I wrote on this forum to play devils advocate and get out of my echo chamber for a bit. It has been nice to see the flip side
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Old 02-20-2012, 01:42 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Coolidge Effect/Allowing a Mistress

He made a choice to be monogamous. He made a vow that he would forsake all others, did he not?

I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat many times over. Never did.
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Old 02-20-2012, 06:26 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Coolidge effect - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Maybe this is the wrong place to be posting this question. However, I have been toying with the idea of turning a blind eye towards my husband having an affair/one night stands. Sometimes I feel that sex is just sex and it is not worth throwing away a marriage. I feel as if cheating is bound to happen whether or not I agree to it. I believe that most men given the opportunity would jump at the chance.

Perhaps this comes from insecurity or just realism. I told my husband about these feelings and he agreed that sometimes he would like to have sex with different females for the variety and novelty. Is monogamy a myth? Would you ever negotiate infidelity? Finally, as a husband if your wife said go ahead and have sex with another women what would you do? Btw our sex life is great and we don't have any major martial problems.
Being married takes work, every day. Good marriages are good because both spouses work on the marriage every day. Allowing your husband to cheat because sex is just sex and it's not worth throwing the marriage away - that's you contemplating to continue to not work on your marriage and allowing your husband do to the same.
I don't know if we are wired to cheat but I believe that the biological urge you are talking about is just that, an urge. It's not an uncontrollable force that blindly leads your husband into sleeping around.
Your sexlife might be great - how about your lovelife?
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Old 02-20-2012, 07:16 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Being married takes work, every day. Good marriages are good because both spouses work on the marriage every day. Allowing your husband to cheat because sex is just sex and it's not worth throwing the marriage away - that's you contemplating to continue to not work on your marriage and allowing your husband do to the same.


Not my style to introduce religious quotes but I thought that Matthew 6:24 very appropriate for this situation.

Quote:
"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.."
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:19 PM   #29 (permalink)
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It seems you have one problem in the marriage.

The only concern I would have in an open marriage is the possiblity that the ONS turns into an EA. In my case I really didn't give a damb but after 13 years I had enough. It just took to much out of the marriage and the whole dymanic of the family.

Face it this kind of crap is fun and what would you rather do, go screw for the night of come home and pay some bills.

This is just one analogy, but there are a lot of thing that get neglected and the dynamic of the marriage will suffer. Ive been there and I finaly told my wife enough was enough and we need to look at having a healthy marriage not one of convienence.

Don't get me wrong I had a great time for 13 years will my wife had her boytoys, but it just wears on the marriage and the family. It gets so easy to turn to things that make us happy and turn a way from the tough things that should be address, like cutting the lawn or pulling weed in the garden.

I know for a fact that at the end of the day its just ends up to enable unhealthy behaviors.....In my wifes case at least it just snowballed into a dangerous life style that I had to correct for her.


Don't get me wrong folks can have boundries and an open marrage can work for a certain length of time but my wifes boundries only worked for so long.
This is where I'm at, at this point. But my WW made the decision for me by gaslighting me for 15 years or so and doing whatever she wanted, while I remained faithful.

So while we remain married and really don't have an intentions of D, I'll do what I need to in order to return to the place I mentally was once at.

She fully understands this however and though she isn't interested in me debriefing her on a weekly basis, if she were to ask any questions I'd respond "of course I fvcked her" as I continued to eat Nilla Wafers and watch TV.

No secrets really. Wife took 15 years and a number of men to confirm I was the guy she wanted to be with. I guess I'm just starting to explore whether or not she is the woman I want to be with.

This mess of course is also why dating hardly anyone is a really bad idea, as well as getting married young. People need to figure themselves out first, and then figure out what they want. I just started to accomplish the first part of that and I'm in my 30s, so I'm a little late to the game. But I'm learning quickly
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Old 02-24-2012, 08:56 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: Coolidge Effect/Allowing a Mistress

Personally, I am a sucker for love so getting intimate with someone other than my wife would screw me over big time! But Lots of men aren't like me, they can screw a women and just think of her as a piece of a$$. In my culture (Jamacian), lots of women have this attitude. They say "let a man be a man" or "I don't care, just as long as he doesn't bring anything back to my bed" (which means sleeping with a mistress in their bed or catching an std and passing it on to her). I think that this kind of thinking is destroying the true meaning of marriage.
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