Maybe this is the wrong place to be posting this question. However, I have been toying with the idea of turning a blind eye towards my husband having an affair/one night stands. Sometimes I feel that sex is just sex and it is not worth throwing away a marriage. I feel as if cheating is bound to happen whether or not I agree to it. I believe that most men given the opportunity would jump at the chance.
Perhaps this comes from insecurity or just realism. I told my husband about these feelings and he agreed that sometimes he would like to have sex with different females for the variety and novelty. Is monogamy a myth? Would you ever negotiate infidelity? Finally, as a husband if your wife said go ahead and have sex with another women what would you do? Btw our sex life is great and we don't have any major martial problems.
Btw our sex life is great and we don't have any major martial problems.
Two questions:
1. You don't think this COULD cause marital problems?
2. What do YOU get out of this deal?
Ok, 3! Are you allowed the same opportunities? Sounds like you don't really think of it that way...but its got to be fair. He wouldn't mind if you did other guys? See...that's where I think it gets f'd up. I don't want my H to not care if I do other guys, and I certainly don't want him to do other women. ESPECIALLY if our sex life is great! That's just me tho.
Your marriage is great, your sex life is great...he gets to go DO whoever he wants...what do YOU get? Eventually, I think you will do something that he disagrees with and you will then use this as a bargaining chip.
That is a very depressing way to live your life. Why be married in the first place then? you might as well cohabit in a casual open relationship.
If my wife ever told me that she would be fine with me sleeping with other women I would lose all respect I have for her. That's not someone who shares my values let alone is worth being married to. I don't think I can ever tell the woman I love that I would like have sex with other women ,for any reason whatsoever. She should be the only woman in my life.
blisses,
No way would I ever consider sleeping with another woman while married. This is even after my wife has cheated on me. Marriage is between 2 people. If your husband wants that lifestyle, than he does not want to be married. Such a person desires to be single. Think of it this way. If you met your husband before you were married and he was a single man, that would make you one of his "flock of birds" that he keeps. So when it's your turn, you can get a piece of the action. After that, you can get back in line while the other women have their turn. Is that what you want for yourself as a wife? If so, then you need to take steps to improve your self-esteem. Short answer is no other parties involved in marriage.
Maybe this is the wrong place to be posting this question. However, I have been toying with the idea of turning a blind eye towards my husband having an affair/one night stands. Sometimes I feel that sex is just sex and it is not worth throwing away a marriage. I feel as if cheating is bound to happen whether or not I agree to it. I believe that most men given the opportunity would jump at the chance.
Sadly I think you may be right, I think the younger the man the more chance of this though.
I used to be the man that jumped at the chance but I`m not now.
Quote:
Is monogamy a myth?
It exists.
It`s difficult and not for everyone but it exists.
Quote:
Would you ever negotiate infidelity?
Infidelity can`t be negotiated.
Once the possibility of sex with others is discussed agreed to and acted upon it`s no longer infidelity.
Infidelity is a betrayal by my definition.
You haven`t betrayed a person who has agreed to the situation.
Quote:
Finally, as a husband if your wife said go ahead and have sex with another women what would you do?
As a man whose wife has said she`d like to bring a woman to bed with us I can tell you I declined.
Just for the record, this is not some lame form of manipulation. I do not wish to cheat. Rather, I view it as giving permission fulfill his male biological urge. What I get out of it? Is tricky to explain. I feel it has to do with gaining pleasure from his pleasure. Perhaps, it has to do with male dominance. I feel by allowing him to have other women I am bolstering his masculinity, authority, and potency. Above all, I think if you read these threads, see married men behaving badly, read stats, and hang out in the 'burbs often enough, you start to think allowing infidelity is not so irrational after all. Oh and YES women cheat too! I am not man hating.
Actually - several years ago when my wife was going through some medical problems that made sex very uncomfortable - she told me that she would understand if I found someone as a "f##k buddy".
Just not to tell her about the other person and don't leave the marriage.
I was dumbfounded that she thought I was capable of doing that and I told her so.
Turns out, some idiot friend of hers had the same view of men as you.
In 39 years together I have not cheated. Plenty of chances - even had one very beautiful young girl come up to me at a conference I was attending who said "I am horny, can you help me with that?".
Maybe I am in the minority but when I took my marriage vows, I meant every word.
The big majority of people do not cheat though it may seem like it and real numbers are hard to come by.
The risk you run however is hanging on to some one in an open marriage. You are there every day with all the faults,responsibilities and stresses of every day life. His fantasy partners will not be carrying any baggage, just that intoxicating rush he will sooner or later think is love. That's when he will kiss your a$$ good bye.
Open marriages do not have a great track record. They start out with rules which end up being broken and leading to betrayal of trust. Once the genie is out of the bottle, it is almost impossible to put it back in.
Humans are meant to pair-bond. The more you bond with your spouse, the less you are swayed by the Coolidge Effect. Also, when you have sex with someone else, you bond with them and you decrease your ability to bond with your spouse. Extramarital sex leads to decreased satisfaction with your spouse.
The only concern I would have in an open marriage is the possiblity that the ONS turns into an EA. In my case I really didn't give a damb but after 13 years I had enough. It just took to much out of the marriage and the whole dymanic of the family.
Face it this kind of crap is fun and what would you rather do, go screw for the night of come home and pay some bills.
This is just one analogy, but there are a lot of thing that get neglected and the dynamic of the marriage will suffer. Ive been there and I finaly told my wife enough was enough and we need to look at having a healthy marriage not one of convienence.
Don't get me wrong I had a great time for 13 years will my wife had her boytoys, but it just wears on the marriage and the family. It gets so easy to turn to things that make us happy and turn a way from the tough things that should be address, like cutting the lawn or pulling weed in the garden.
I know for a fact that at the end of the day its just ends up to enable unhealthy behaviors.....In my wifes case at least it just snowballed into a dangerous life style that I had to correct for her.
Don't get me wrong folks can have boundries and an open marrage can work for a certain length of time but my wifes boundries only worked for so long.
Maybe this is the wrong place to be posting this question. However, I have been toying with the idea of turning a blind eye towards my husband having an affair/one night stands. Sometimes I feel that sex is just sex and it is not worth throwing away a marriage. I feel as if cheating is bound to happen whether or not I agree to it. I believe that most men given the opportunity would jump at the chance.
Perhaps this comes from insecurity or just realism. I told my husband about these feelings and he agreed that sometimes he would like to have sex with different females for the variety and novelty. Is monogamy a myth? Would you ever negotiate infidelity? Finally, as a husband if your wife said go ahead and have sex with another women what would you do? Btw our sex life is great and we don't have any major martial problems.
This sounds an awful lot like the way I conducted myself when I was single...IMO, being married means giving up the whole idea of having sex with novel partners....and that's why I didn't marry too early in life. Got it out of my system, so to speak.
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Coolidge Effect/Allowing a Mistress 
