can anyone please help me
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » can anyone please help me

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree12Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 02-19-2012, 11:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 2
Default can anyone please help me

I have been married for 10 years and we have one child together. recently i met someone and started an affair. this has been going on for a month and i have never and would never imagine that i would be in this situation. we both are married and agreed that it would be better to end all contact with one another, that lasted about 2 days. I feel such an emotional connection with him but i know this is wrong how can i get over this and move on?
sandybeach is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 02-19-2012, 11:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 4,363
Default Re: can anyone please help me

If you are serious then confess EVERYTHING to your husband and inform the OMW (Other Man's Wife) about the affair. If you don't then it will continue until you are discovered and then your chances of saving your marriage will go down to zero.
__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

Links
morituri is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-19-2012, 11:37 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,832
Default

Tell your husband immediately. He is your best solution for protecting your marriage vows.

Stop seeing this intruder.

So you're scared how your husband will react and the impact of your behavior on your child?

Suck it up and live in the truth .

You have to realize that this crapload of emotion is brought on by yourself, you are not a victim here.

Do what it takes going forward to protect your family.

Screwing some married guy only helps ruin your family and his.

No contact with him--period.
michzz is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-19-2012, 11:42 PM   #4 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,133
Default Re: can anyone please help me

Quote:
Originally Posted by sandybeach View Post
I have been married for 10 years and we have one child together. recently i met someone and started an affair. this has been going on for a month and i have never and would never imagine that i would be in this situation. we both are married and agreed that it would be better to end all contact with one another, that lasted about 2 days. I feel such an emotional connection with him but i know this is wrong how can i get over this and move on?
You are in what is called an affair fog. Right now your brain is saturated with Dopamine from the excitement and newness of the affair. BTW, dopamine is the same chemical released when you do cocaine. You are living a fantasy. There is no reality in your affair. The only way to successfully end an affair is to have complete no contact with your affair partner. You also need to confess your affair to your husband. He needs to know so that he can decide if he wants to stay with you. If you don't tell him he WILL eventually find out and the deception will probably kill your marriage faster than the affair. Telling your husband will also bring the affair out in the open. Affairs only survive in secrecy. Once you shed light on an affair the fantasy is over and the fog begins to lift.

I speak from experience. My wife had an affair. She ended it on her own and came completely clean about it to me. That was 20 years ago and we are planning on recommitting to each other this year.
Beowulf is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 12:35 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
AngryandUsed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: In myself.
Posts: 1,312
Default Re: can anyone please help me

Confess first. Then this very confession itself will act as a barrier to your affair.
AngryandUsed is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 12:42 AM   #6 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 10
Default Re: can anyone please help me

May I present to you ...A Choose Your Own Adventure entitled I Cheated On My Husband Now What?!?

You have made a choice and now you must decide your future.

Option 1: You Tell Him

He has two choices confronting him now. Leave you or forgive you. Anything in between does not work.

A)Let's say, he leaves you.Good news! You are free to roam with more toxic men in between divorce court.

B)The overture of resentment, jealousy, mistrust ,and slammed doors greets you. In phase two your husband may forgive you.

Option 2: You say nothing and continue with the affair or end it.

You end it and let the guilt consume you. You may reason that a horrible error in judgment does not constitute the emotional wreckage it would cause, to him, and your child. You must compartmentalize and move on.

You continue with the affair and wallow in self delusion. Your tryst will be brought to an abrupt end.

Hope you enjoyed!
blisseskisses is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 12:52 AM   #7 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 10,093
Default Re: can anyone please help me

Sit your kid down and explain to then why it's ok for you to cheat on them and end their family. Do it. Then look yourself in the mirror and explan why it's ok to continue you affair.
Posted via Mobile Device
Shaggy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 05:49 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
cpacan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Denmark
Posts: 1,007
Default Re: can anyone please help me

Quote:
Originally Posted by sandybeach View Post
I feel such an emotional connection with him but i know this is wrong how can i get over this and move on?
I agree with Beo and Blisses on this.

I sounds like you are looking for some magic pill, that can end the affair, make you forget your affair partner, so that you can move on as if nothing ever happened.

Well, guess what. Something has happened. You are living your marriage on a lie. You are denying your spouse his choice whether he wants to live in an one-sided open marriage or not. This betrayal is the worst IMO.

Ask your self how you would think if it were the other way around, and your spouse cheated on you and never told you - how would you feel? Disrespected?

I know this is probably going to scare the s*** out of you, but you need to come clean and tell your spouse and let him decide, what's best for him given your choices. You can't make this undone or go away by itself.

Best luck to you.
cpacan is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 06:03 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
cpacan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Denmark
Posts: 1,007
Default Re: can anyone please help me

Oh, and btw... I see you have three decent choices:

1. End the affair emmediatly, tell your spouse, act remorsefull and hope for him to choose renewal of a monogamous relationship

2. Tell your spouse, suggest an open relationship

3. Leave your spouse and live intoxicated untill reality hits you. You can choose not to tell your spouse about the affair.
cpacan is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 06:49 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 34
Default Re: can anyone please help me

Stop your nonsense, and deal with the hell you've created. Or continue, and create an even bigger hell.
CruxAve is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 07:14 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 544
Default Re: can anyone please help me

The emotional connection you feel with the OM is not real. I might seem real to you but it isn't because it's based on the OM showing himself in the best light to you. He wants to impress you and you want to impress him. Remember how you felt about your husband when you first met. He was flawless, wasn't he? Then you learned that he leaves the seat up, farts, scratches himself in unmentionable places, and "All Night Long" is really just a Lionel Richie song. The OM isn't any different, he farts too! Reality will set it and it's gonna hit you like a freight train.

Ending the affair is going to take hard work on your side. Tell your husband about it, tell him everything and at once. The entire truth. How, why, when, what, where. Give him passwords to your phone, email account, FB account, bank account, free access to your computer, access to anything and everything that would enable you to remain in contact with the OM. This isn't going to be easy - it's the price you have to pay. You are not getting around it. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can start working on your marriage. Again, you will not get around paying the price for your affair.

This will accomplish several things:

1. Seeing and experiencing your husband's pain will help jerk you out of your "emotinal connection" with the OM. It won't be pretty but take a good, hard look at it. Use the mental image of your husband's pain every time you feel drawn towards the OM or think of the OM in other than negative ways.
2. Once your husband knows and has been given access to monitor email, FB, phone records etc. it will make it significantly harder, if not impossible for you to stay in contact with the OM. This only works if you give him access to "everything" and if you don't create new ways to stay in contact with the OM. You have to give up all privacy and you need to understand that you don't need privacy from your husband either. There is no room in a marriage for secrets, right?
3. Write a letter to the OM, ending the affair. Do not consider the OM's feelings, don't apologize for ending the affair. Don't show emotions, be precise and clear. No more contact, no more calls, no meetings, no emails, NOTHING! This will create needed distance between you and the OM and it will show your husband that you are indeed ending the affair.
4. Write a letter to the OM's wife. Apologize to her (it will mean nothing to her but it re-affirms "OVER" to the OM as well as yourself). Make it clear that you are ending the affair and have told the OM that there will be no further contact. The OMs wife deserves to know. Again, this will show your husband that you are indeed ending the affair.

You might experience pain and hurt over losing the OM, you might grieve. That's normal but you have to get over it. Every day without contacting the OM, is a step closer to ridding yourself of temptation. If you have to, occupy your mind and time with a new hobby. You are in control of your thoughts! You said you know the affair was wrong, any thoughts about the OM are wrong as well - control these thoughts, don't let them control you!

Last edited by FourtyPlus; 02-20-2012 at 07:37 AM.
FourtyPlus is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 07:16 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,539
Default Re: can anyone please help me

Well we now know there is a sandy beach in hell (figuretively speaking, her own choice). I don't think they will be offering her any cool drinks with umbrellas in them though. One day when you realize what you traded your loving family for, you will experience (as called in the bible) the worm that never stops eating. That's the "woulda shoulda coulda" worm. Its the images, thoughts, and consequences of your affair. The pain on the faces of your husband and child will be etched in your mind forever. Your loving husband will become someone you don't know. Flipping between anger and despair. Your child will become different too. He will act out in school and at home. He will enter adolescence more likely to sexualize early (looking for the love he/she lost). Drugs and alcohol to cover the pain. If you read the posts here, you will find that the kids of adulterers expand their vocabularies substantially to describe what their moms have become. Hard to read them, those words are usually edited. But they won't be when your son/daughter calls you them. You know that hot feeling between your legs when you think of the OM? When you have realized that you have lost everything, it will probably subside, or maybe disappear all together.

And just to let you know what advice your husband will receive when/if he comes here....First off, he will be advised to cut you off financially. Why? Because if he can't trust you with your own vagina, how can he trust you with his money? Next comes complete exposure to all family and friends, as well to your studs betrayed wife, this to help him convince you to pull your panties up and come back to the marriage. And that is if you're lucky. Some men would simply cast their adulterous wives and their belongings out the door and not see them till the divorce trial.

Back to your kid for a moment. When he is older, you will have less sway with his/her life decisions. I mean why would he take advice from a liar and a cheater? By then anyway, you could quite possibly be divorced, and your husband might have remarried, maybe a couple of more kids and a new family for him. You will be able to see them on the holidays at family dinners. You won't feel much like introducing new beaus to the family for fear that he will find out that you are more then willing to throw away your (and his) life for the sake of an orgasm. Not a very good reference.

When your child falls into temptation, he will remember how you responded to temptation, and give in. You have no concept of what you and your betrayed family are in for.

Last edited by Initfortheduration; 02-20-2012 at 07:23 AM.
Initfortheduration is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 11:26 AM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Jellybeans's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 19,394
Default Re: can anyone please help me

You're on a road with a dead end.
Jellybeans is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 11:31 AM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
lisab0105's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,004
Default Re: can anyone please help me

The reason you have a connection with him is because you have something insanely huge in common....you are both cheaters. It isn't anymore deeper than that. About as shallow as a mud puddle I would say.

The only person(s) that are going to need help are the spouses you two are destroying. Hope it was worth it.
lisab0105 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 11:37 AM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 4,363
Default Re: can anyone please help me

As long as your affair remains a secret between you and the OM, the more likely it is to continue and eventually discovered. Once that happens, the chances of you saving your marriage, if that is what you truly want, will be slim at best.

Right now you have the best opportunity to not only end the affair but by coming clean of your own free will, show your husband that your actions match your words. An opportunity that may not be available for long.
__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

Links
morituri is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:08 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.