Morituri, I do not consider myself a cheater in any way. I split up from my wife 7 months ago because I was lacking affection. I split up with her first because I didn't want to be a cheater. I have tried to move forward and not look back in every way. I have been honest with the woman i am seeing at the moment, although I haven't disclosed the full details. I am not toying with her feelings and keeping her as a backup. When I told her a couple of days ago, it would have been far easier to just keep it to myself but I am an honest person. She has expressed that it hurts her to see me going through this and will be there to support me.
Since I separated, there has always been this nagging desire to know how it all went wrong. I was always a hard working husband and brought a good income so my wife could be a SAHM. We have a family business with about 30 staff. 1 year ago, we had a project that ran 15 days late and for every day we were being penalized a thousand dollars. I was working literally around the clock trying to minimize the damage. My wife complained that she was lonely and why couldn't I just let the other staff take care of it. I kept telling her that as an employer I needed to lead by example and it wouldn't be fair to expect my staff to work long hours without seeing their families without me doing the same. The OM was there to listen to her when I was out working my butt off. I didn't want to be working long hours. I was going through a hard period myself. I needed my wife to be understanding about the pressure I face at work. It may appear that I'm a workaholic but that's not the case. I work to live not live to work. Apart from this one project I never work more than 10 hour days. It would have been nice to have a wife that was sympathetic to the stress of work. Instead she just complained at being home stuck with the kids. I wish I could have been stuck at home worth the kids. Her life was always so much easier than mine.
As for my taste in women. I guess I am learning. I met my first wife in my teens and had a child when I was 19. I thought it was the right thing to do. Again, she was a SAHM. Before I met her, she had a history with drugs. We split up after she got back into drugs and had an affair with another drug addict. I took custody of my kids and never looked back. Probably, the only thing in common my two wives shared was the SAHM part. They both had too much time up their sleeve and obviously are not honorable people with solid morals. I don't know whether morals are something that can be learned or if some people were born with a good conscious and others not. This third relationship is with a woman who has a career of her own, comes from a family where she is the only one that's separated and she wasn't the one to blame. She is pretty, owns her own home, is a great mother to her children and is very intelligent. There is something missing there though. Obviously, I was nowhere near ready for this relationship and I have told her that I understand at now. It hurts me deeply that I could be so selfish and let her develop feelings for me when I have still not 100% moved on from my wife.
Part of me wants to just leave it all behind and stay by myself with my kids for a couple of years like I did after my first marriage. Part of me wants to try R with my wife. I always wanted my youngest child to be brought up in a happy family environment as seeing my other kids being brought up without a mother killed me. The the other part of me just wants to move on with the new woman. My heart is being torn in all directions at the moment. Posted via Mobile Device
Oh, I also wanted to ask about boundaries. I know to safeguard myself from further wrongdoing I need to have a firm set of boundaries in place in whatever relationship I'm in. I have ordered the book His Needs, Her Needs but can anybody show me a suitable list of examples.
that_girl, my first thought was that he was married too but she swears otherwise. She is crushed that he wont meet her so I know that it didn't turn physical. She tells me he is so shy and introverted. Does this mean that I could have been a little too alpha for her. I always thought I was a pretty good combination. Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks for the book recommendation. I will look into it.
Shaggy, I know that 100%. that is the whole point. I am more important than that. She had already lost me, I moved her out and moved on or at least I tried. It is up to her to give me reason to give her another chance. At the moment I feel like I have just brought all the hurt back up to the surface by exposing this. Posted via Mobile Device
“How to Judge a Person’s Character” by Marius Panzarella.
The biggest mistake a person can make is to get into a relationship (be it business, personal, or romantic) with the wrong person. You can literally ruin your own life.
So how can you tell if a person is trouble or not? Here are some tips on how to judge a person’s character before getting involved with them.
1) Look at who their friends are
The first thing you should do is to look at who their friends are. As I have mentioned in the past, you can judge a person’s character by looking at their choice of friends.
Don’t believe me? Do the “Rule of 5”* test and you’ll see how true this is!
*You can judge a person’s character 99% of the time by looking at the five closest people they associate themselves
2) Look at their past actions
Call me cynical, but I find that 90% of the time, you can judge a person by looking at their past history. As I always say, “once a liar, always a liar.” A person who has gone through 17 ex-girlfriends or boyfriends is NOT going to think that YOU are “the one” for long.
3) Look at their actions, not their words
While you are judging their actions, make sure you don’t fall prey to the victim stories that people with character problems always invent for themselves. Guys, don’t just believe ALL three of her ex-husband were abusive jerks. Ladies, don’t believe he’s “trying” to stop his bad habits.
As I always say, actions don’t lie, words do!
4) Look at how they treat other people
People with bad character tend to be self-centered. They may put you at first (more like pretend to put you at first) when they see a benefit, but as soon as they benefit is gone, they will start treating you like dirt. So rather than judging a person based on how they treat you while they still have something they want from you, judge them based on how they treat people that are not so useful to them.
5) Look for lies or exaggerations
Look for lies or exaggerations. See if their stories match up. Use your head and turn that B.S. detector on!
6) Look for addictions
Look for addictions to alcohol, drugs, gambling, and prostitution. Many people with character problems have one kind of dependency or another.
7) Look at their attitude towards life
Look at how the person looks at the world. See if they like blaming the world instead of taking responsibility for their own actions. See if they are so negative that they resent everything and everyone around them. (Stay AWAY if that’s the case!)
8) Look at their beliefs and whether their actions are congruent with their beliefs.
Finally, look at a person’s beliefs and see if they belong to a train wreck. But don’t just look at their beliefs. Follow the “actions, not words” rule and see if their actions are CONGRUENT with their beliefs. That’s where a lot of people fail!
Thanks for the post morituri. The first point about the 5 closest friends opens my eyes a bit. My wife only has one friend that she sees on a regular basis. My wife truly is lonely. She has a hard time meeting other people and developing friendships. Unfortunately it would appear that men offer her an ear to listen to, but we all know why and where that leads. When we met she lived an hour and a half away so when she moved down, she moved away from her friends. She maintained contact for a while but one by one they eventually stopped communicating. I encouraged her to try new hobbies or attend mothers groups etc in the hope of finding new friendships. She always talks about not having found her place in the world. I'm not sure I have the ability to offer any solutions for her.
Having second thoughts regarding the boundaries. We did have boundaries in place. She knew what the boundaries were. She knew she crossed them by keeping all contact with the two guys (that I know of) a secret. How does someone learn to adhere to boundaries? Maybe the error in my ways was not being vigilant and insisting on transparency. It happened over a long period and her keeping her phone on silent and receiving messages from her mum/OM was an early warning that I missed. I know I will be paranoid about all those little things in future. Posted via Mobile Device
that_girl, We are still married but have been separated for some time. My lawyer has issued her the settlement terms etc so I believe I have no moral obligation at the moment to be loyal to her. Posted via Mobile Device