Two relationships. 7 years each. Both wives cheated on me. Talk about a hit to a guys ego!
I separated from my wife 7 months ago and have just recently found out about her EA with a guy she talked to on an online forum. Prior to last week she had me believe her only questionable contact was with a guy she knew in high school when they spoke a couple of times on the phone and exchanged emails etc. She agreed she hid it from me but claims everything was innocent. Well apparently it was with that guy at least. I managed to deceive her into spilling her guts, well bit by bit anyway as I told her I illegally obtained her phone records for the last 3 months we were together. So she came clean and told me she had been talking to this other guy since Feb last year and feelings for him were very strong at the time.
Now it appears that since we separated, she wanted the affair to turn physical but he didn't. He knows where she lives, home phone, Facebook etc. but all she knows is his mobile number and email. He refused to give her home phone, address or friend her on Facebook, she knows he works but doesn't know where. She claims he is just a really shy introverted guy and is scared of meeting her in person (what a weirdo!) but I don't know how much to believe anyway since I have been told a bunch of lies just to get this far. Sounds like a phony to me.
Anyway, she now realizes the terrible mistake she made by falling for this guy and wants me and her family back. I am seeing another woman at the moment and not really ready to give her up, but if I knew with certainty she felt true remorse for the pain she caused me and our son, and would make it her life's mission to rebuild our relationship, I might contemplate giving her another chance. I told her the first step is to write a no contact to the OM and I showed her a couple of examples that acknowledge the wrong doing to the spouse, the selfishness and the desire to work on the marriage with zero contact from him. She showed me the letter she had come up with yesterday and I just threw it back at her and said I was insulted. Basically she said how she was sick of the way he treated her and she deserves better than what he has to offer. No mention of BS or the pain their selfish relationship caused to others. I told her the letter showed a complete lack of respect for me. She refuses to give me any of his details. She knows I can't possibly go flatten him because she doesn't even know how to find him. The only reason I can see is because she doesn't want me spoiling it for them in the future. Every time I ask for his contact details she says she just wants to forget about him and move on. As a betrayed spouse, I feel I deserve a hell of a lot better than this. She says I am being too demanding on here and she needs to do things in her own time and her own way. Basically, I told her there is only one way that I am willing to accept and that's the only way she'd ever get a sniff of a second chance with me. Do you think I am being too harsh. I don't think she deserves any time. I don't want her to say her loving goodbyes. Am I being unreasonable in my requests? Posted via Mobile Device
not unreasonable at all except for the fact that this is AT LEAST her second time in doing this.
i personally wouldnt give her the chance again.
if you really do want to give her a second chance, nothing you are asking for is out of line.
she should also be willing to go 100% transparent on all her on line accounts and her phone.
You're doing everything right, except for the harshness. You need to control your temper. Do everything you are doing but without the anger.
Try the 180.... it will help you control that. Someone here will be able to link you to it. As long as you are exhibiting the anger, it will drive her away. You need to be neutral emotionally when dealing with her.
The only reason she is seeking reconcilliation with you is because you are dating somebody. Your wife is cake eating. You are correct in that she wants to break up with the OM softly so she can have a chance at him in the future. She needs to write a NC letter that acknowledges the pain she has causesd you.
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Now it appears that since we separated, she wanted the affair to turn physical but he didn't. He knows where she lives, home phone, Facebook etc. but all she knows is his mobile number and email. He refused to give her home phone, address or friend her on Facebook, she knows he works but doesn't know where. She claims he is just a really shy introverted guy and is scared of meeting her in person (what a weirdo!) but I don't know how much to believe anyway since I have been told a bunch of lies just to get this far. Sounds like a phony to me.
Did you confirm this yourself or did she just tell you this? If it's her word only then she is probably lying. Read the other threads on the board. Rarely does affair partners stop at only an emotional affair when they have the opportunity to meet each other in person. It will almost always end up physical. If you and your wife have been separated I would think there is a 50% she has gone to meet with him. I would do what you can to validate this story.
Two relationships. 7 years each. Both wives cheated on me. Talk about a hit to a guys ego!
I separated from my wife 7 months ago and have just recently found out about her EA with a guy she talked to on an online forum. Prior to last week she had me believe her only questionable contact was with a guy she knew in high school when they spoke a couple of times on the phone and exchanged emails etc. She agreed she hid it from me but claims everything was innocent. Well apparently it was with that guy at least. I managed to deceive her into spilling her guts, well bit by bit anyway as I told her I illegally obtained her phone records for the last 3 months we were together. So she came clean and told me she had been talking to this other guy since Feb last year and feelings for him were very strong at the time.
Now it appears that since we separated, she wanted the affair to turn physical but he didn't. He knows where she lives, home phone, Facebook etc. but all she knows is his mobile number and email. He refused to give her home phone, address or friend her on Facebook, she knows he works but doesn't know where. She claims he is just a really shy introverted guy and is scared of meeting her in person (what a weirdo!) but I don't know how much to believe anyway since I have been told a bunch of lies just to get this far. Sounds like a phony to me.
Anyway, she now realizes the terrible mistake she made by falling for this guy and wants me and her family back. I am seeing another woman at the moment and not really ready to give her up, but if I knew with certainty she felt true remorse for the pain she caused me and our son, and would make it her life's mission to rebuild our relationship, I might contemplate giving her another chance. I told her the first step is to write a no contact to the OM and I showed her a couple of examples that acknowledge the wrong doing to the spouse, the selfishness and the desire to work on the marriage with zero contact from him. She showed me the letter she had come up with yesterday and I just threw it back at her and said I was insulted. Basically she said how she was sick of the way he treated her and she deserves better than what he has to offer. No mention of BS or the pain their selfish relationship caused to others. I told her the letter showed a complete lack of respect for me. She refuses to give me any of his details. She knows I can't possibly go flatten him because she doesn't even know how to find him. The only reason I can see is because she doesn't want me spoiling it for them in the future. Every time I ask for his contact details she says she just wants to forget about him and move on. As a betrayed spouse, I feel I deserve a hell of a lot better than this. She says I am being too demanding on here and she needs to do things in her own time and her own way. Basically, I told her there is only one way that I am willing to accept and that's the only way she'd ever get a sniff of a second chance with me. Do you think I am being too harsh. I don't think she deserves any time. I don't want her to say her loving goodbyes. Am I being unreasonable in my requests? Posted via Mobile Device
Totally reasonable. She's lucky you'd even consider a second chance and she's p!ssing it away. You don't want to hear (read) she's ending relationship because this guy did this or didn't do that, you want it because she realized the damage and hurt she caused your relationship and she is choosing you. She doesn't get it and it's up to you if you want to wait around for her to get it. Posted via Mobile Device
2 different relationships - this is supposedly her first cheat. Posted via Mobile Device
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Aquila audax
7 year itch has bitten me twice
Two relationships. 7 years each. Both wives cheated on me. Talk about a hit to a guys ego!
I separated from my wife 7 months ago and have just recently found out about her EA with a guy she talked to on an online forum. Prior to last week she had me believe her only questionable contact was with a guy she knew in high school when they spoke a couple of times on the phone and exchanged emails etc. She agreed she hid it from me but claims everything was innocent. Well apparently it was with that guy at least. I managed to deceive her into spilling her guts, well bit by bit anyway as I told her I illegally obtained her phone records for the last 3 months we were together. So she came clean and told me she had been talking to this other guy since Feb last year and feelings for him were very strong at the time.
i count what i consider as 2 right here with the second wife.
If they both cheated then you either need to change your taste in women or you need to go to IC and talk about any problems that you have that are effecting these relationships (nobody's perfect).
I wouldnt take her back because she doesnt mean it. If she isnt willing to work for it then she doesnt deserve you or your family. Get a divorce and move on.
He knows where she lives, home phone, Facebook etc. but all she knows is his mobile number and email. He refused to give her home phone, address or friend her on Facebook, she knows he works but doesn't know where.
I guess that you know that she is lying. She knows the details but does not want to tell you.
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Originally Posted by Aquila audax
Every time I ask for his contact details she says she just wants to forget about him and move on. As a betrayed spouse, I feel I deserve a hell of a lot better than this. She says I am being too demanding on here and she needs to do things in her own time and her own way.
Wow talk about lack of remorse. Now she wants to dictate to you taking her back but only on her terms.
You said that she had come clean. She did not. She has told you only part of the truth. She does not sound remorseful and does not sound like she is over him. Her letter to him complains only of the poor way that he has treated her, thus is telling him that he needs to treat her better if he wants her back.
You need to move on and not look back. You also need to look at yourself to find what you need to change in the next relationship.
Like it or not, you are now a cheater yourself and if you demand a NC from your wife with the OM, then you should do likewise with the woman your seeing. It is only fair.
End your relationship with the woman you are dating. You have no business being involved with another woman while still being a married man who is seeking reconciliation with his cheating wife.
Like it or not, you are now a cheater yourself and if you demand a NC from your wife with the OM, then you should do likewise with the woman your seeing. It is only fair.
End your relationship with the woman you are dating. You have no business being involved with another woman while still being a married man who is seeking reconciliation with his cheating wife.
Her letter wasn't a NC, is was her complaining to him about how he doesn't treated her right. It was her threatening to break up with him, unless he changed.
So that's not her ending the affair, it's her demanding her BF changes.
Sounds like he is likely married and was playing with her. When she wanted to meet up, he realized she would screw up his marriage and family, so he with held contact info.
He will likely find a way down the road to hook up with her for some a$$, but then disappear back into the night.
I suggest you file for divorce on this one - you're still not getting the full truth, and she is still pursuing the affair. I think she's just back at you because she's seriously thinking this one may not pan out and she'll be alone.
17Likes
7 year itch has bitten me twice 
