02-20-2012, 01:58 PM
Join Date: Feb 2012
| | How to cope?
My husband and I have been married for over 21 years. We have 3 living children, we also had a son that died when he was 9 days old.
13 years ago, after I had my second child, my husband had an affair. He was 35, she was 19. At the time, I knew something was going on, but I wasn't sure what. He was late coming home from work, refused to touch me, was very distant to me and the kids. I found some graphic sexual emails he and she had sent each other. I confronted him with the evidence. He denied everything. He accused me of being crazy. He said it was "just" an email fling. Since I had no actual proof, I dropped it. At the time, our second child was having a lot of medical issues and I really needed my husband's support.
We went on to have 2 more children, including the one who died.
Then 3 years ago, when he and I were driving alone in the car on our way home after a social date, I said something offhanded about affairs. And he told me that they are not worth it. I asked him how he would know about that. He admitted that he had actually had one 10 years prior with the 19 co-ed. He said it only happened once and that it was a huge mistake. I freaked out. I screamed, cried, threatened to leave, etc. After several weeks, I decided not to leave over a one-night-stand from a decade prior. We seemed to do better, although he started having problems with impotence.
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago when I found out that the affair actually went on for a year and the girl ended up pregnant. She terminated the pregnancy. He says that he was never in love with her and that the sex was pretty bad. I don't know what to believe anymore. He has lied about this for 13 years.
We are currently in joint marriage counseling and individual counseling. My husband has a pattern of not having my back. He has been known to talk badly about me to other people. Since we have started counseling, I see that he has improved in a lot of areas. We have 2 special-needs sons who need a lot of extra attention. Taking them into account along with everything else, I have pretty much decided to stay married, however, I still feel foolish/stupid for believing the lies for so long. I am also very hurt and angry. My friends have all advised me to leave him. The counselor has been trying to get me to work on forgiving him. I am so conflicted.
His impotence has gotten worse since this has all come out. I have accused him of not being attracted to me anymore which he denies. I am just trying to figure out how to proceed from here.