Are the ANY acceptable lies after EA?

Pit-of-my-stomach · 02-21-2012, 02:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alittlefunnnn

So how can I get on the right path? The therapist is useless basically. She has not and doesn't really address what seems to be constant lying in the relationship.

Any advise? Besides getting a new therapist.

Just some random thoughts...

First of all it takes 2. Your obviously willing, is she willing in more than just concept? As of now, I don't think so.

Kind of a broad observation...But... She doesn't "get it" or worse, she does and you don't have her "buy in" to build the kind of marriage you envision.

I can't speak intelligently about your whole situation as Im not intimately familiar with it... So outlining a roadmap would be tough..

Something that popped in my head...

Kind of a question for you to contemplate.. Envision your marriage as a structure, a home... Do think you guys are trying to rebuild a marriage on an existing foundation?, (one that you know had big cracks) or do you think you and your wife 'broke new ground' and this reconcilation is being built together from the ground up. a 'fresh start' if you will ?

One of those two will work, with hard work one of them will give you both a safe place to call home for the rest of your lives.. The other will also be hard work, and it will give you both "a place to stay" maybe for a long while... who knows? but it will always be a little dangerous and no doubt someday it will crumble and need to be condemned....

Kurosity · 02-21-2012, 04:00 PM

I would look for a new MC right away then. I personally think people spend more time looking for the right cell phone or car then they do for an MC.

I really wish I could offer more help and have the answers you need.

I know for me that I use to be a blame shifter because I have an issue with pride and once I got over my self things were a little easier to admitt to. I still struggle with it but each time it comes up I am learning to say, "Yes that is my fault and I am sorry. What can I do to fix this or make amends." again that is very difficult for me to do still. It is that facing one's self that is the hardest to do.

Is she in IC? That may be helpful for this sistuation. Best Wishes to you and your wife.

Alittlefunnnn · 02-21-2012, 09:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kurosity

I would look for a new MC right away then. I personally think people spend more time looking for the right cell phone or car then they do for an MC.

I really wish I could offer more help and have the answers you need.

I know for me that I use to be a blame shifter because I have an issue with pride and once I got over my self things were a little easier to admitt to. I still struggle with it but each time it comes up I am learning to say, "Yes that is my fault and I am sorry. What can I do to fix this or make amends." again that is very difficult for me to do still. It is that facing one's self that is the hardest to do.

Is she in IC? That may be helpful for this sistuation. Best Wishes to you and your wife.

Kuriosity, yes she is in IC. She went after I strongly suggested it soon after DDay. I was under the impression that she was going to work on HER problems. Basically because that's WHY I suggested IC for her but I came to find out recently during an argument that she speaks more in IC about the dynamics of our relationship than why she did what she did.

When it comes to our therapy I feel that she uses it more to point out my short comings rather than taking responsibility for her own. I find this extremely frustrating. I'm sure that her having a degree in psychology surely helps her understand more what the therapist is trying to get to at times and it's pretty obvious she has beaten me to the punch.

I feel like saying that she's obviously selfish but I guess someone who acts for their own personal satisfaction so often it would be stating the obvious.

Beowulf · 02-21-2012, 10:46 PM

If she has a degree in psychology ask her what repeated deception does to a relationship? As her how emotionally investing in another person outside the marriage is acceptable and doesn't cause damage to the relationship? Ask her if she has extreme narcissistic tendencies and why isn't that being addressed in her IC? Ask her these questions in your next MC session and do not accept anything less than an answer to your questions. If she or the therapist try to change to another topic hold your ground. Tell the therapist that you are the one that was betrayed and you need answers if you are to avoid divorcing her. Marriage counselors are like doctors. They may have oodles of knowledge but only you know what you feel. In the end you are in charge of your own health care. Just like in the end you are in charge of your own counseling sessions. Take charge.

Alittlefunnnn · 02-22-2012, 07:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beowulf

If she has a degree in psychology ask her what repeated deception does to a relationship? As her how emotionally investing in another person outside the marriage is acceptable and doesn't cause damage to the relationship? Ask her if she has extreme narcissistic tendencies and why isn't that being addressed in her IC? Ask her these questions in your next MC session and do not accept anything less than an answer to your questions. If she or the therapist try to change to another topic hold your ground. Tell the therapist that you are the one that was betrayed and you need answers if you are to avoid divorcing her. Marriage counselors are like doctors. They may have oodles of knowledge but only you know what you feel. In the end you are in charge of your own health care. Just like in the end you are in charge of your own counseling sessions. Take charge.

Beowulf, I honestly never looked at therapist in that manner. Now looking back on it I feel pretty stupid at the fact that I expected to go in and for the therapist to KNOW how I felt. I've explained how I felt but always allow the therapist to dictate the topic and how it is to be addressed. I guess now looking back at it I understand why I'm so frustrated and realize some of that frustration starts with me.

Thanks for the advise.