Onlife affair long distance- i'm devestated.
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-21-2012, 09:45 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Onlife affair long distance- i'm devestated.

Married twelve years with two small boys. Husbands whole world revolves around computers and the internet. He has always been this way but not as severe. 8 months ago he started to play a ipad game- a group team type game. Two months ago two of the team members were girls. One in the US and one in Iran. For two weeks the chats became private and personal with the girl in Iran.

I discovered it when I sat next to him and he minimized a window. I asked him questions and he deleted the chats so I couldn't read them, then confessed that there were in love-- that he has an emotional attachment to her, consumed with their relationship. I asked him to go away for the night and I fell apart once he was gone.

I'm numb, scared, heart broken, mad and worried for our children and what I do with my life now.

He came home the next day to talk. He said he spent the whole night chatting with her and looking at pictures of our kids. He didn't sleep and said he was a wreck but is confused abut his feelings for me and our life. He feels more compelled to pursue his relationship with her. I asked him to quit talking to her and to stop the game...he says he can't. I then said we need time apart to figure out what direction to take. He cried and told the boys goodbye which was horrible and I started crying. I've had no contact with him for two days, he's living in our motor home in the state park. We have huge financial obligations and our home values have plummeted. He makes over six figures a year and I am a stay at home mom. Financially I am dependent on him, but I handle all the finances.

I am a emotional wreck and feel panicky and sad. I hope I did the right thing by asking him to leave. The children think he's on a business trip. I don't know where to go from here. My thoughts were that I can't "stop" his affair, that he has to get it out of his system.

He is 36, she is around 24 and lives in Iran. I understand how affairs start, I was a big reader of marriage builders....but somehow that advice didn't feel right to me. Exposed to all my family /friends for support but he literally has no family and one friend whom I sure knows by now. Exposing her to her facebook stuff feels childish and I would drive them closer over the common bond of hating me and my behavior. It's not my personality to be that way because she is just a symptom of a problem....it could have been any girl.

Am I wrong here? I could really use some insight. One second I feel together, the next I fall apart.
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Old 02-21-2012, 09:46 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Onlife affair long distance- i'm devestated.

Oh, this all just happened on Saturday, we went out as a family ....and "boom". it all fell apart one hour later, hence the huge numbing state of shock I am in.

Their contact has been via chat and voice chat.
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Old 02-21-2012, 10:01 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Onlife affair long distance- i'm devestated.

I`m not an advocate of "Facebook exposure" in general.

I`m sure there are times when it`s useful but I`d only expose where it might have an actual negative affect on their relationship.

Facebook exposure is just going to make you "The crazy jealous wife".
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Old 02-21-2012, 10:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Onlife affair long distance- i'm devestated.

You did well in getting him out.

Do not allow him back until he meets your boundaries.
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Old 02-22-2012, 12:32 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Onlife affair long distance- i'm devestated.

You did well standing g up to him.

Now see a lawyer and get prepared to cpshow him he has responsibilities that he can't just choose to ignore.
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Old 02-22-2012, 06:49 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Onlife affair long distance- i'm devestated.

I'm sorry you are here. You are in the very early stages of the emotional turmoil. It takes time to get your head in the game and at this point it is really hard to make good decisions. I would consult an attorney, you don't have to file yet but atleast get some legal advice that may help ease your mind in that area. I agree that nothing can happen between you and your husband until boundaries are clearly set and followed. Understand that just because you set boundaries doesn't mean he will do the right thing, my husband didn't. My husband viewed the boundaries as a threat and chose the other woman that he claimed was just a friend.
Good luck and try to stay strong and focus on your children. They will need you more than ever right now.
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Old 02-22-2012, 07:16 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Onlife affair long distance- i'm devestated.

Is she married?
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