What are the odds?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-21-2012, 02:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What are the odds?

What are the odds that someone who had a year long EA which ended after not getting a response anymore from the OM didn't have any other EAs or PAs?

My point being if my wife e-mailed her ex for 5 years (2-3 times a year) for what she calls closure on their relationship (messy break up). Then had an EA with another ex which ended after 1 year because the OM stopped e-mailing her. What would be the odds that there was no one else? I believe that based on her moral history there must have been something else right?

I find it difficult to believe that you would have an EA for a year and then not have anything else for 3 years. Seems to be if you were unhappy in the relationship 3 years before that wouldn't those same negative feelings still carry over?
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Old 02-21-2012, 02:25 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: What are the odds?

You seem to be in a fog thinking that unhappiness with the marriage is to blame for EAs. This is not always the case. Many EA start as a simple "Hello what have you been up to". A very simple attempt to "catch up" on what has been happening to another person since last you talked. From there it can develop very fast into "I am unhappy in my marriage", "My husband is terrible", "I love you OM".

It seems your wife is addicted to the attention she gets from Other Men. Her attempting contact with an Ex BF several times a year for over 5 years for "closure" is BS. She is hoping that he will tell her she is the greatest thing ever and he made a horrible mistake letting her get away.

I think she is addicted to this behavior and I would be surprised it has only happened a couple of time. And if she keeps fishing for Other Men to get involved with (Ex BF) it will happen again and again until she becomes physical with someone.

Last edited by TDSC60; 02-21-2012 at 03:07 PM.
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Old 02-21-2012, 02:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by TDSC60 View Post
You seem to be in a fog thinking that unhappiness with the marriage is to blame for EAs. This is not always the case. Many EA start as a simple "Hello what have you been up to". A very simple attempt to "catch up" on what has been happening to another person since last you talked. From there it can develop very fast into "I am unhappy in my marriage", "My husband is terrible", "I love you OM".

It seems your wife is addicted to the attention she gets from Other Men. Her attempting contact with an Ex BF several times a year for over 5 years for "closure" is BS. She is hoping that he will tell her she is the greatest thing every and he made a horrible mistake letting her get away.

I think she is addicted to this behavior and I would be surprised it has only happened a couple of time. And if she keeps fishing for Other Men to get involved with (Ex BF) it will happen again and again until she becomes physical with someone.


Mine had several EAs with heavy sexual stuff 12 years ago. Then one in 2010. Then another in 2011 that went PA. Yea mine was a fisher of men (something she must had learned in Suday school). Addiction to attention, that she can get younger men to find her attractive, who the hell knows.

Behaviors can be dealt with and stop. If this was not so I would not stay with my WS. People stop using drugs everyday and can stay clean. The problem lies not in do they want to change (that is part of it), but in having accountibility and taking action to prevent the behavior.

Honestly, I am not now, nor was I the problem. You will find that even the best marriages are not affair proof.

Your WS has a problem and a serious one, very similar to mine.
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Old 02-21-2012, 02:46 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: What are the odds?

It's possible someone can have one A and never have another.
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Old 02-21-2012, 03:06 PM   #5 (permalink)
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It's possible someone can have one A and never have another.
Yes it is possible. But how many cheating spouses suddenly stop on their own without getting caught then do a complete about face to become the perfect spouse?

Possible - yes, probable - maybe, reformed - too early to tell.
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Old 02-21-2012, 03:12 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Yes it is possible. But how many cheating spouses suddenly stop on their own without getting caught then do a complete about face to become the perfect spouse?

Possible - yes, probable - maybe, reformed - too early to tell.
I don't think you could to be honest. Not because it's my wife and i'm hurt but it's logic. No one grows a conscience over night. It cold be that being rejected the OM made her realize that she risked too much for so little BUT in reality the attentions seeking never stopped from her. While she was having the EA she was e-mailing another ex for closure and she had been speaking with another male friend on messenger (she says platonic) behind my back. My thought on 3rd guy is if it was so platonic then why keep it a secret?

That's why I don't believe it is possible to stop and have nothing else going on.
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Old 02-21-2012, 03:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: What are the odds?

I had to re-read your other threads in order to get the full story. Okay, she has a messy break up with ex#1 (OM1) who cheated on her and she even co-signed a car loan with him. Then three years later, she's emailing ex#2 (OM2) and sexting about all the great sex they used to have, and it looks like she wanted to take it to a PA. But it ended after you confronted OM2 and threatened to expose the affair to the OMW.

Now you're wondering about those 3 years in between OM1 and OM2, if there have been other affairs that you didn't know about. And I see by another thread that your WW never gave you full disclosure, and your MC advised you to basically sweep it under the rug and focus on re-connecting.

So now you're feeling suspicious and resentful and really need to know about those 3 years. IMHO, you shouldn't waste your time thinking about those 3 years. Sure there could have been others, but then again, maybe not.

The problems right now is your WW and preventing other affairs in the future. I'm sorry, but its a very bad sign that your WW was cheating so early in your marriage. She NEVER got over OM1 AND OM2. It seems that you are the back up plan.

What do you think will happen if for example one day, OM2 is having problems in his marriage and contacts your WW? She was the pursuer in both of her EAs, right? Your WW has very low boundaries with respect to her exboyfriends. This could crop again in the future.

Edited to add:

There was yet ANOTHER man she was contacting BEHIND YOUR BACK? This makes her a serial cheater. I don't really see what kind of a future you can have with her. You will constantly be looking over your shoulder for the next OM. She really craves the attention from other men who is not her spouse. In her case, I think "once a cheater, always a cheater" applies to her.
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Old 02-21-2012, 03:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Yes it is possible. But how many cheating spouses suddenly stop on their own without getting caught then do a complete about face to become the perfect spouse?
I don't have any #s for you but where there is a will, there is a way. If someone wants to stop a certain behavior, they will. All on their own.
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Old 02-21-2012, 04:04 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I had to re-read your other threads in order to get the full story. Okay, she has a messy break up with ex#1 (OM1) who cheated on her and she even co-signed a car loan with him. Then three years later, she's emailing ex#2 (OM2) and sexting about all the great sex they used to have, and it looks like she wanted to take it to a PA. But it ended after you confronted OM2 and threatened to expose the affair to the OMW.

Now you're wondering about those 3 years in between OM1 and OM2, if there have been other affairs that you didn't know about. And I see by another thread that your WW never gave you full disclosure, and your MC advised you to basically sweep it under the rug and focus on re-connecting.

So now you're feeling suspicious and resentful and really need to know about those 3 years. IMHO, you shouldn't waste your time thinking about those 3 years. Sure there could have been others, but then again, maybe not.

The problems right now is your WW and preventing other affairs in the future. I'm sorry, but its a very bad sign that your WW was cheating so early in your marriage. She NEVER got over OM1 AND OM2. It seems that you are the back up plan.

What do you think will happen if for example one day, OM2 is having problems in his marriage and contacts your WW? She was the pursuer in both of her EAs, right? Your WW has very low boundaries with respect to her exboyfriends. This could crop again in the future.

Edited to add:

There was yet ANOTHER man she was contacting BEHIND YOUR BACK? This makes her a serial cheater. I don't really see what kind of a future you can have with her. You will constantly be looking over your shoulder for the next OM. She really craves the attention from other men who is not her spouse. In her case, I think "once a cheater, always a cheater" applies to her.
Hi lordmayhem, she was the pursuer of OM1 but not OM2. Only once already in the EA with OM2 was she the persuer.

She started e-mailing OM1 about a year into our marriage. OM2 she e-mailed in 09 and it went sporadically on for about 1 year. According to what I was able to confirm, the last communication with OM2 was October of 09. In the meantime while in EA with OM2 she would e-mail OM1 asking for "closure". I only found out recently that she messengered a 3rd guy (platonic) but I have no idea when that was. My guess based on history would be that it was after OM2.
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Old 02-21-2012, 04:07 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: What are the odds?

I wouldn't be worried about who else, it's about who would it be in the future.
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Old 02-21-2012, 05:50 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: What are the odds?

Emailing ex boyfriends is not closure...it's fishing.

Anyone who is not a friend of the marriage should be cut out of the marriage like a tumor. Tell her if she doesn't start using her boundary scalpel you will use your divorce sledgehammer.

If you think there is more I would strongly suggest you demand a polygraph. It's your trust she has to win back. If she's not doing it then she needs to start quickly or your marriage is doomed.
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Old 02-21-2012, 05:54 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Emailing ex boyfriends is not closure...it's fishing.

Anyone who is not a friend of the marriage should be cut out of the marriage like a tumor. Tell her if she doesn't start using her boundary scalpel you will use your divorce sledgehammer.

If you think there is more I would strongly suggest you demand a polygraph. It's your trust she has to win back. If she's not doing it then she needs to start quickly or your marriage is doomed.
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Old 02-21-2012, 09:59 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Emailing ex boyfriends is not closure...it's fishing.

Anyone who is not a friend of the marriage should be cut out of the marriage like a tumor. Tell her if she doesn't start using her boundary scalpel you will use your divorce sledgehammer.

If you think there is more I would strongly suggest you demand a polygraph. It's your trust she has to win back. If she's not doing it then she needs to start quickly or your marriage is doomed.
Funny you should mention the polygraph because just 2 days ago I requested she take one. Of course she said she wouldn't and doesn't need one from me and I quickly pointed out that it's the only thing I will believe considering the amount of lies she has told.

Now I have no idea where to go for one but have been trying to google it. Also have no idea what it costs but it can't be more than what half of my assets are worth.

I'm not certain if I should just set a polygraph up and then tell her when it is or if I should just set it up and then act as if we're going somewhere else and just go there. Any thoughts?
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Old 02-21-2012, 11:11 PM   #14 (permalink)
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It's possible someone can have one A and never have another.
I is possible if no one else wants them. Otherwise it's not. I'm a firm believer in that.

Last edited by Nikolauz; 02-21-2012 at 11:56 PM.
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Old 02-22-2012, 10:39 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Funny you should mention the polygraph because just 2 days ago I requested she take one. Of course she said she wouldn't and doesn't need one from me and I quickly pointed out that it's the only thing I will believe considering the amount of lies she has told.

Now I have no idea where to go for one but have been trying to google it. Also have no idea what it costs but it can't be more than what half of my assets are worth.

I'm not certain if I should just set a polygraph up and then tell her when it is or if I should just set it up and then act as if we're going somewhere else and just go there. Any thoughts?
$500.00 to over $650.00 in our area. The key is to find a good examiner. I have not done it but there is a person a few hours away who has a very good track record according to reviews online.

BTW, my WS says she would do anything. If I do it I would not tell her till I was walking up to the office. There are too many sites online that teach a person how to beat them and I would not want my WS to know about it.
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